Summary: "I didn't know that was going to be the last time I saw him."
Word Count: 1272
Disclaimer: I don't own The Big Bang Theory or the characters.

[Penny's POV ]

I didn't know that was going to be the last time I saw him. He just left to go to work. How was I supposed to know I was going to see him again?

I was still asleep when he left, work started later for me that day. I like to think he kissed my cheek before he left like he always does when I'm awake and he leaves. Actually, like he used to do. I'm still getting used to past tenses when talking about things he used to do.

It's weird that he isn't here with me anymore. Just... he just went to work one day, and never came back. Just like that.

The thing is, I want to see him again. Or go back to that morning and wake up. Have breakfast with him, say goodbye. Maybe even have him drive me to work so that I wouldn't have to live the next day without him. But whenever I think of that, I wonder if I could actually go to work, or let him go to work if he made it there safely. If I knew this that day, I would've asked him to stay with me that entire day, just the two of us, in bed, safe and warm in each other's embrace.

Instead of me here in this cold bed, and him... wherever people go after they die.

Mary Cooper, Sheldon's mother, she told me he was one of those people that went to heaven. Sheldon rolled his eyes, even though I could see that a part of him was thinking that his best friend was good enough to go to heaven. I remember Amy smiling, and so was Bernadette. Howard and Raj were sitting on the couch, now that I think about it. They were staring at the TV like they were sleeping. I guess we all have been sleeping since his passing. Numb, like we don't know what to do next. His death hit us all like a bullet, and we didn't have anywhere to take cover.

I know that if he was here, he would've told me that everything was going to be okay. My husband was like that. Even with my heart shattered on the ground and my mind a gigantic mess, he would calm the chaos down, he would've mended my heart. My husband was like that. I just wish he still was.

It's in moments like this one that I am both happy and sad with my decision not to have children. It would've been heartbreaking to raise a child that was half me and half him, knowing that the child wouldn't know its own father, that my husband wouldn't meet his own child. But it would be a way to continue with his legacy, never a substitute, just someone like him for me to hold and to love. Forever. Until death did us part.

But I didn't get a small child, with big brown eyes and asthma. Instead, I got a two-bedroom apartment full of memories, both happy and horrible. Because I can remember the two of us sitting on the couch and deciding to get married, but I can also remember me alone, sitting on his chair, breaking into little pieces after hearing what happened to him. Both happy and horrible memories, that's what I got.

That, and a grave.

I go there every day of my life, it's a way to talk to him about my day like I used to do before. I told him about Sheldon and Amy's child, they named him after my husband. I told him about Halley finally going to high school, how in so little time she grew up and became a high schooler. She has a boyfriend now, and Howard doesn't hate him. But did give him a talk about hurting her and he would hurt him back. Raj got a little girl too, Kyra. It's supposed to mean princess. She is really cute.

But all their happiness, even though it can make me happy for a moment, makes me miserable for a long time. Because they are happy with their partners and children, and I've been visiting a grave, pretending that I'm talking to the love of my life. I know I'm not, but I don't know how to move on. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. It's been... over ten years. And even after so long, I still get up in the morning and expect him to be next to me and tell me it was all a joke.
I dream for the day that I get a knock on the door and it's him telling me he forgot his keys. I would hug him and kiss his lips and never let go. Never, ever again would I make the mistake of letting him go.

Little baby Leonard, Sheldon and Amy's child, he's a sweet toddler. He can walk and talk already, and he is just like his parents. So smart, and responsible. He knows who he was named after, he knows that my husband would've probably been his godfather. He points at pictures that my husband shows up and he is always quiet on the anniversary of his death. He is one of the few people that hugs me and tells me he's in a better place. Everyone else is probably still too upset to be able to talk. Even after so long.

Is it weird to imagine him getting older, getting a few grays and imagine myself laughing at him, asking if he's scared of being old? Because, I think of that, and I can almost hear him answering my question with a cheesy line like only if you're not there to get old with me. He would smile and I would kiss him. He would wrap his arms around me, I would do the same to him. And we would just stand in the middle of our bedroom, or the bathroom, the living room even, just holding each other until we were old.

That was the plan, after all. We were supposed to grow old together, we had so many plans. None involved children, I didn't want that. He did, but he said he only needed me to be happy. I regret not going further on the subject, I regret stopping after asking if he was sure. Of course, he said yes, of course, he was sure he just needed me. He had no idea of how having a child would be like. I can see it now, with baby Leonard, how amazing motherhood must be like. And being a parent with the one you love the most, that is probably one the most amazing things in the entire universe. Oh, how do I wish to turn back time and have those three amazing kids that Raj talked about.

At least I wouldn't come back to an empty apartment every night. Well, it's not empty. It's full of what if's, memories and mementos. And his soul. That never left the apartment. The same way he never left my heart or anyone's heart for that matter. Not even from those that never had the opportunity to meet him.

I think I finally know what I would tell him if I could see him one last time. I would tell him that I loved him, I would tell him sorry for everything I deprived him of and that everyone cared. So much. Because even after more than ten years, everyone is still mourning him. And I don't think any of us will ever stop doing that.

The End

Another angsty story. I read a certain line in a movie (don't remember which one) and it made me think of this story. I tried to think of a better timeline, of when he really died, but I preferred to put over ten years. It's easier for me when writing not to have a timeline. Makes everything easier.

Anyway, I'll try my best to not kill either of them in the next chapter, and actually having a sweet story. I'll do my best, but I won't promise anything! :)