Word Count: 816
Summary: And maybe that's okay.
Disclaimer: I don't The Big Bang Theory or the characters.

I felt the ground underneath my body, the way my hands started to hurt from being against it. You're next to me, your head against my tights, your short curls lose as I like them to be. You have your eyes closed, but I can remember those brown eyes that make me feel like home.

And I'm against a wall, my eyes laid on you, my thoughts somewhere else. Somewhere else, a place I was happier, back when things were simpler. Maybe just a week ago, before everything started.

I smile thinking back to when we met, the simplest of times. Back when we had no baggage, no history. Back when those simple hi was enough to make you fall in love, back when I thought you were just weird.

Back when I didn't love you so much it hurt.

I feel your hand looking for mine, the way you do in your sleep. I grab it, and soon you are relaxing again. I smile at how a simple act as grabbing your hand makes you calm.

And I know that later, in a couple of hours, as the sun goes away and the moon shows up to take its place, you'll search for my hand as you are in dreamland. And you'll find it because you always do. Somehow, we always find each other.

And that's why it's so hard to keep things away from you. Because we are a team because we always find each other because we are in love.

As I feel the tears wanting to leave my eyes once again, I place my hand against your forehead, trying to see if your fever as gone away. I hate to see you sick, especially when I'm feeling like this. I want you to be healthy so that I can tell you the news because I know that even if you're okay, the news I have will make you feel the opposite. Since you're sick, I don't want to make you worst. So I became the wife no one thought I could ever be. The one that takes care of you while you're sick.

That's why I'm sitting on the cold floor, while you sleep with your head in my thighs. I look at you, and you're wearing only your boxers. The weirdest part is the fact that you are without your trademark white socks that you wear even in bed. (and because you always wear them, it surprises me that you don't bathe with them on).

And I smile through the tears, not really being able to think ever since I saw that positive pregnancy test. At first, I was excited, finally going to give you that child I know you've always wanted, finally going to give my parents a grandchild that would grow up in a stable family, finally going to be a mother.

Until I was no longer pregnant.

I don't know what was worse. Being pregnant and losing the baby, or having to face the loss by myself. I didn't know how to tell you that I, once again, failed at something I really wanted.

How is anyone supposed to tell someone they love something like this?

You open your eyes then, and I try to quickly take my tears away so that you don't see them and say something about it. You must be really sick not to notice the tears that are still rolling or the ones that are threatening to leave.

And for the first time in a decade, your brown eyes don't make me feel comfortable or at home. They are just there, and I feel empty. That's normal, I guess. I was almost going to be a mother. I was almost going to be someone you could be proud of. I was almost going to be proud of myself.

Almost.

You look at me and smile, something that for you was still easy to do since your world didn't come crashing down in the past couple of days.

"My head hurts." You complain and I just start to play with a couple of your curls, trying to get you back to sleep. "Uhm... that's nice." You keep that little smile on your face, and I try to keep my tears at bay, as your eyes start to close again.

Maybe I shouldn't tell you what happened.

Maybe I'm not built to be a mother.

I'm not built to make you proud.

To make my parents proud.

I'm never going to have a little kid that looks like you running towards me, with their arms open.

Their own curls that are just like yours bouncing as they run.

And maybe that's okay.

Maybe all I need is you.

And it might have to be okay.

As long as we're together,

And as long as your hand searches for mine while you sleep,

We'll be okay.

The End

Is it noticeable that I am still not over S12E03? I'm still trying to pretend that this particular episode didn't happen, but it's hard not to think about it as the finale comes closer and closer which means the end is near. Hopefully, the end brings me joy ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶L̶e̶n̶n̶y̶ ̶k̶i̶d ̶!