Disclaimer: I do not own any part of ATLA in any way, shape, or form. I own NOTHING!
Chapter 3:
ZUKO
Katara and I have a routine. It is redundant, and we rarely deviate from it, but it is a routine nonetheless.
I am grateful for the redundancy at times. It makes the journey south go by quicker. The days blur together. If it weren't for the changing scenery, I would think that it had all just been one really long, miserable day.
During the day, when we aren't traveling, we either buy supplies or scavenge for them ourselves. Once the sun goes down, we make camp, eat, then retreat into the tent where Katara asks me questions until she grows tired enough to sleep. When the questions stop, she curls up next to me, either seeking warmth or comfort. I am not sure which. I guess I don't mind either way. It's not like I have it in me to stop her. As strange as it is, it is just what we do now.
As we close in on the western edge of the Earth Kingdom, I am shocked by just how far the comet's damage has spread. I keep expecting it to stop. I keep telling myself that it can't stretch on forever. They couldn't have possibly burned the entire Earth Kingdom.
They haven't, but there is more damage than I care to think about.
Every time we stop in a village or town, Katara asks about the injured and offers her healing abilities until there is no one left or until she is on the verge of falling over. There have been multiple occurrences where I had to step in and tell her to stop, to rest.
I worry about her. She spreads herself too thin, but I would be lying if I said her healing prowess didn't mesmerize me. Perhaps it's because she is my opposite that she intrigues me so much. I will never be able to do anything like that. Other times I think it is just because it is simply Katara. She just has a way with people even without waterbending.
Dealing with people is another area where Katara and I appear to be opposites. I am not a people person. I like my privacy, my alone time, and my time to think and meditate, but she craves social interaction. It does her good. She always brightens after we met new people or after she has helped someone.
Despite the good it obviously does Katara, going into villages and towns is always a challenge, something I always dread. We need to restock on food, supplies, and things of that nature, but I feel safer in the woods. Or maybe I don't like hearing about all the loss, seeing all the hurt and devastation. Maybe I don't like being reminded of just how bad things are and how we have failed these people. In the woods with Katara, I can almost forget.
Katara, however, likes to linger. She likes civilization. She likes people. I can't entirely blame her, but she doesn't have a scar that mars half of her face and screams to the world that she is a traitor, a banished prince, the son of the man who brought the world to its knees.
My hood helps, but people can see into it if I turn the right way or if they look long enough. My only hope is that enough people have been harmed during the comet that scars like mine are no longer as uncommon. The gold in my eyes, however, is another matter. I can't hide my heritage, so eye contact is something else I avoid as much as possible.
"Do you want mangos or apples?" Katara eyes the fruit cart in front of us.
"Just pick something," I grumble, my eyes shifty.
Katara frowns. "You don't have to get snappy."
It isn't like there is much to pick from. This trip into civilization (or what's left of it) has been pointless, effectively souring my mood. Firebenders and bandits ravaged the place a few days ago. There is nothing but scraps and the little they were able to harvest after they left.
I am bored, anxious, and twitchy. We have been here too long. I understand the necessity of supplies, and I am glad Katara was able to help the sick and the injured when we arrived. In fact, watching Katara heal people is one of the few things I still find pleasure in, but I am ready to go. It may just be my paranoia but I feel people staring at me, trying to get a look at my face. I am getting don't-I-know-you? looks.
Katara finally pries herself away from the fruit stand and approaches me. She looks inside her satchel, ensuring we have everything we need before we dive back into the woods. We could easily be stuck on dry roads and in the wilderness for days without coming across any kind of civilization.
"Can we go now?" I am unable to guise the impatience and slight irritation in my tone.
"I think so." She hands me the bag of supplies.
"Do you have any flour?"
"No. I just sold the last of it to that young lady in blue."
Katara hesitates and glances back at the merchant cart. I follow her gaze. A woman with a baby wrapped in a sling across her chest and a small child clinging to her hip stands across from the merchant.
"Any fruit or vegetables?" the woman inquires further.
The merchant shakes his head. "I'm sorry. Between the bandits and the firebenders, we don't have much of anything. We're trying to get what we can out of what remains of our crops, but it might be a few days before we can harvest anything or get shipments from nearby villages."
"Rice? Berries? Anything?"
"I've got some lychee nuts," the merchant offers half-heartedly.
The boy at the woman's side clearly isn't happy with the offer, but the woman accepts the deal anyway.
Before I can react, Katara snatches the satchel from my hands and dashes toward the woman.
"Here!" She holds open the bag, offering up the goods we just bought. "I'll split some of what we have with you. What do you need?"
The woman's pale green eyes widen with surprise. I, however, am not surprised. At all. This is typical Katara. We can barely go anywhere without her giving our supplies away. I'm convinced she'd donate our limbs and organs to those in need if she could.
I don't mind. I am happy to share. It helps absolve some of my guilt, but I wanted that mango. Katara and I have been living off nuts and berries for a while now, but this woman and her children clearly need it more than we do.
"Thank you so much!" The woman looks like she might cry as she accepts the offering. "This will help us out a great deal. Every little bit helps these days."
"I'm sorry I can't do more…" Katara frowns as she eyes the baby and the small boy.
"Where are you headed?" the Earth Kingdom woman inquires, gently stroking the baby nestled against her.
"The South Pole."
"You're water tribe…" The woman's brow wrinkles with confusion and intrigue. "How did you end up here?"
Katara grimaces slightly. "It's a really long story."
The woman looks in my direction. I quickly avert my gaze, but she got a good look at me anyway. Maybe she'll be so grateful for the food that she won't care that it is from a girl traveling with a firebender.
"Are you two traveling alone?"
Katara nods. "Mm-hmm."
"You should come with us. I'm with a small group of refugees traveling south toward Omashu. We don't have much, but we do have numbers and earthbenders to help fend off the bandits. It would also give us a chance to repay you for your kindness."
Katara glances back at me, and I can tell by the twinkle in her brilliantly blue eyes that she wants to join this traveling band of refugees.
"What do you think?"
Part of me wants to say no. Part of me feels that it will be more trouble than it's worth, but I have been concerned about the bandit problem. We have been lucky so far, but there is the distinct possibility our luck will run out. Yes, we can defend ourselves but not if their numbers are too great, especially since I am still recovering from my sister shooting me full of lightning. And honestly, I can't bring myself to tell Katara no. She doesn't have passion for much, and it is refreshing to see her somewhat excited about something again.
"If it's what you want to do." I shrug a shoulder.
Katara takes a few steps toward me. "Are you sure?"
Don't tempt me…
"It might be more beneficial than traveling alone," I reply, my tone flat and indifferent.
Katara smiles and mouths thank you, knowing that I really don't want to do this, that I am doing it simply because she wants to.
"We'd love to join you," Katara replies, a little pep in her step as she spins around.
"Wonderful! My name is Ela. This is my son Kanan." Ela pats the boy still clinging to her hip. "And this is my daughter Jaya." She motions to the bundle against her chest.
For a moment, we stand there unaware of the fact that she is obviously waiting for us to introduce ourselves.
Shit. This is a problem. We haven't had to introduce ourselves to anyone thus far, and we haven't discussed this particular obstacle yet. We are not prepared for this.
"Oh." Katara looks at me with desperate eyes. "My name is Kya and this is…"
"Lee," I finish for her. I decide to go with Lee since I used it so much during my time as a refugee. It will be easier to slip back into that old alias instead of mustering up a new one.
"It's lovely to meet you both." Ela smiles, her green eyes glistening. "Follow me. I'm sure the others will be happy to hear we have new recruits."
It is arguably the saddest caravan I've ever seen. The wagons are lopsided and full of tattered materials and broken goods. Most of the people inside and around those wagons are burned, dirty, or thin. Sometimes all three. The poor ostrich horses pulling the wagons or carrying people aren't much better. Some are burned, and others are missing feathers, eyes, or claws. They've clearly already had some encounters with firebenders and bandits.
Ela introduces us to everyone, but I'm not paying attention. There is no way I will be able to remember all of these names, and I wouldn't try to dedicate the names to memory even if I did have that kind of mental capacity. I just don't care. I don't want to build a relationship or create a connection with these people when I won't be with them long. This is a temporary arrangement at best.
They offer to hitch our ostrich horses to their wagons. I accept, but I make a mental note of where they are placed in case we run into trouble or if someone decides to steal them. They are in better condition than the rest.
Katara said I was being rude. I argued that I was smart.
After the seemingly endless introductions, Katara and Momo jump into a nearby wagon with Ela and her children. I almost ride my ostrich horse alongside them but think better of it when I realize Katara will be battered with questions inside that wagon. If we want to pull this little charade off as Lee and Kya, we need to be on the same page. I need to know what she tells everyone so there won't be any inconsistencies or holes in our story. We don't need to give anyone any other reasons to find us suspicious.
I climb into the smelly wagon overflowing with smelly people and see that there is very little room inside. My eyes meet Katara's. She flushes before standing and pointing to the spot where she'd just been sitting. It's the only spot available save for a microscopic patch of manure and hay-ridden flooring.
Oh…
The floor is already covered with children and the elderly. I can either go back out and ride an ostrich horse or suck it up and stay with Katara in a less conspicuous manner.
Reluctantly, I take the seat. Katara tries to squeeze in between me and the woman on the other side of me and fails. Ultimately, she eases into my lap. She tries to make it look natural, and maybe it seems that way to these strangers, but I see her hesitate. I see the apprehension.
I am at a loss for what to do with my hands. I've never had a woman in my lap before - at least not like this. Mai never would have sat across my lap even if I'd gotten on my knees and begged. This is uncharted territory.
Eventually, I decide to rest one hand on her lap near her knees and place the other on her back to steady her in case the ride gets bumpy.
"Am I hurting you?" she asks softly.
I shake my head.
"Is your chest okay?"
I nod.
Her cheeks redden more. Realizing how unnatural she looks with her hands held stubbornly in her lap, she loops an arm around my neck. The blush on her face is suddenly contagious. I feel it on my face now, spreading to my ears.
The wagon groans into motion and the people around us chatter amongst themselves. Some chew on lychee nuts and mint leaves while others stare holes into the floor. I find myself grouped with the latter. Anything to get my mind off the waterbender in my lap but she is hard to ignore. The damn wagon lurches around constantly, forcing me to frequently lift and shift her back onto my lap.
A comfortable position is impossible. I move her then she complains, chastises me, and shifts around again. She huffs and puffs if my hands fall too far below the waist or too high up her leg or if I pull her too close. Half the time I don't know what I'm grabbing. I just try to keep her from falling through the floorboards or kicking the elderly man next to us in the face.
"Your necklace is beautiful." Ela gently bounces her swaddled baby against her chest.
Katara's expression goes solemn as she touches the emblem at her throat, but it quickly changes when she peers past my hood and into my eyes. She is concerned and then determined.
"Thank you," she replies. "Lee got it for me."
My eyes widen to the size of saucers.
What is she doing?!
"How did you meet?" an elderly woman on the other side of the wagon asks.
We intrigue them. We are new, and we aren't the most common of pairs. It's not every day that you see a waterbender and a firebender willingly occupying the same space.
So much for lying low…
"Tell them the colonies," I whisper against her neck.
Her shudder isn't lost on me as she says: "W-We met in the Fire Nation colonies."
"He's Fire Nation?" yet another woman squawks. She is middle-aged and looks like an iguana parrot. Sounds like one too.
"He's my fiancée," Katara interjects immediately, sounding surprisingly defensive. It is a desperate act to save me from the lion vultures. She is protecting me. Me of all people!
It works. The tension dissolves simply because she says I am hers, that I am from the colonies and not the scourge that spills from the capital.
"Don't be ashamed. There are several others from the colonies with us. It really isn't that uncommon for people from the Earth Kingdom to marry those who live in the colonies." Ela smiles warmly at us. "Although, I'm not sure if I've ever seen a girl from the tribes with a man from the colonies..."
I want to say that it's because it doesn't happen. People from the Water Tribes don't inhabit Fire Nation Colonies or even areas around them, but everyone seems to buy our fib. In fact, some of them even seem oddly charmed by it. Of course, there are plenty of disapproving scowls to go around.
Thankfully, the conversation shifts. They move on to other things. I am able to relax a little until we hit a particularly rough patch of terrain. The wagon lurches back and forth. Katara almost falls, but instinctively, I wrap my arms around her and clumsily pull her back into my lap. However, doing so does nothing for my damaged chest.
Katara's arms wrap around my neck as she tries to keep her seat, and I curse under my breath as pain ripples through me.
"I'm sorry!" she gasps, feeling me tense with pain.
I want to tell her that it's okay, but I can't. I am in too much pain to speak. This was a horrible idea. Why did I agree to all this? This is nothing but a pain in the—
"Is he hurt?" the old lady with hazel eyes and breezy white hair asks, looking concerned.
"He was hurt during the comet," Katara replies vaguely as I continued to wince.
"If he was burned, we have some ointment in another wagon further back. You're welcome to use some of it when we stop." She gives a toothy grin despite missing a few teeth.
"At this rate, I'm gonna need more than ointment…" I grouse, oozing sarcasm.
Katara places her fingers on my lips to silence me. "He would love some ointment. Thank you."
When the caravan finally stops for the night, I all but throw Katara out of my lap. I am so ready to get out of that wagon. I am stiff, grumpy, hungry, and sleepy. But despite this, I am more than willing to help everyone set up camp. I welcome the change of pace. Anything is better than riding in that damn wagon.
Katara helps with food preparations. She gathers around a giant pot with some of the others, jumping right in as if she's been helping them cook for weeks.
While Katara is preoccupied with providing a meal for everyone, I am left with nothing to do except unhitch ostrich horses, unload wagons, and gather firewood for the multiple campfires scattered throughout the space.
A few times, I think of offering to light some of the fires so they don't have to light them by hand, but I never follow through. Just because the people we shared a wagon with didn't seem to mind that I am Fire Nation, doesn't mean others will be as understanding, even if I am pretending to be from the colonies. It's best to hold back on firebending and showing my eyes until I get a better assessment of just how welcoming everyone is.
I finish making myself somewhat useful to the caravan, prop myself against a tree near one of the more isolated campfires, and watch as Katara flies around the camp, handing out bowls of food and tending to the sick, burned, and injured.
I just knew that she would be up all night taking care of these people she doesn't know, but to my surprise, she finishes before dawn and comes looking for me.
"I thought I'd find you over here lurking in the shadows." Katara hands me a small bowl of rice, somehow knowing that I haven't eaten. "Come on. Let's go sit down. Socializing won't kill you."
"It might," I argue. "If someone figures out who I am or decides they don't want a firebender traveling with them."
"You'll be fine. None of these people are looking to pick a fight. They just want to rebuild and find new homes. Even if someone did figure out who you are, I doubt they'd do anything about it."
I frown but follow her to the nearest campfire anyway. On some level, I know she is right. These people are as tired and broken as we are, maybe even more so. Katara and I still have homes. I can't return to mine and Katara's could be occupied by firebenders by now, but they are still standing. There is some solace in the fact that they are there. These people have nothing but piles of ash and some of them may have even been refugees before Sozin's Comet.
We sit and eat in contented silence, interrupted only when some of the people around us ask for our names and backstory. I let Katara handle most of the questions. I am a horrible liar, so I only jump in when she needs me, which isn't often.
She tells them we met a little over a year ago and that we got engaged shortly before the comet came so we haven't really had a chance to get married. She sometimes even says that we are heading south to rejoin her family and hopefully get married soon, something that makes some of these forlorn, broken people smile. I guess it is nice to hear about something sentimental for a change, even if it does involve a firebender.
When we finish eating, Katara gives the camp one more sweep to make sure no one else needs her. She tells our wagon-mates goodnight and follows me to the spot where I put down our sleeping bags.
I lie down first so that she can respond however she wants. As is our routine. I lie down, and she will either curl up next to me, lay her head on my chest, or turn her back to me completely. It just depends.
Katara slips in beside me, and Momo settles somewhere between us. Her head meets my shoulder, and her balled fist rests against my chest. I guess she thinks having her hand flat and open is too intimate. I personally feel that it is too late for that, but if that makes her comfortable.
She is restless tonight. She tosses and turns. Her hand randomly squeezes my shirt.
Is it a full moon? Is the moon bothering her? I don't know, but I feel like I should do something to soothe her. The only problem with that is that I have no idea how to do that. Comforting people is still a foreign concept to me.
After a few more minutes of tolerating her squirming, I shift toward her, wrap an arm around her, and flatten my hand between her shoulder blades.
"Be still," I command, my tone firm yet gentle.
"I'm trying." She continues to shift and wiggle against me, not liking the close proximity I have forced upon her in an attempt to stop her writhing.
"Try harder," I growl.
Clearly frustrated, she shoves me away and turns her back to me.
I hesitate a moment. I almost touch her or apologize, but this is actually a better alternative for me. I don't have to feel all her incessant tossing and turning anymore, so I fall asleep relatively easily. However, I don't sleep long. Movement and the sensation of my arms moving disturbs me.
It takes me a few groggy seconds before I realize Katara is back. Having apparently decided I am not such a bad bedmate after all, she moves my arms until she can use one of them as a pillow. She huffs and puffs, still semi-mad at me or perhaps angry with herself. Despite the frustration, she curls up next to me.
Once she is done moving me around to her liking and cursing me under her breath, I drape my arm over her. I mold around her like lazy clay, only semi-coherent but coherent enough to know that she is close. I can smell her. I can feel her hair against my arm and tickling my chin. But I don't mind.
She is like a heat leech. She burrows her way into me, turning me into a cocoon and once she is there, she falls asleep.
Just as we had on our own, Katara and I obtain a quirky routine in the little caravan. She helps with cooking, cleaning clothes, and children. Everyone is instantly taken with her, praising her cooking, healing abilities, and kindness. Meanwhile, everyone is indifferent to me. I am tolerated because I am linked to Katara.
Admittedly, I'm not worth much. I can light fires, cut things, and attempt to help with hunting and scavenging, but my injury slows me down. I am improving, but I'm not entirely myself yet. All this traveling and time on ostrich horses and in rickety wagons isn't helping.
Katara is an excellent healer, but she can only do so much. The rest is up to me, and my body seems reluctant. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about how permanent this injury might be. This could be a lifelong thing. I might never be the same.
I might never get my privacy back either. We have joined this huge, unruly family that interrupts you while you try to wash and has no qualms butting into your business. I am not crazy about the environment, but it is doing Katara a great deal of good, so I try my best to grin and bear it.
Sometimes I try to think about what I'll do after we reach the South Pole. Then I try to think of what I'll do if we find the new Avatar...or if we don't find it. Sometimes I try to think about what I'll have to do to defeat my father. I try to think about all of these things, but I never get far. My mind refuses to go there. It is still too much. It is still too hard.
Life is much easier if I am just Lee. Lee's only objective is to get to the South Pole with his fiancée. He doesn't have all these obligations. He doesn't have nearly as many problems to deal with.
"He doesn't talk much, does he?"
I pretend to sleep on a grassy patch of ground near a small creek while Katara washes clothes, and Momo tries to catch small fish. My eyes are closed to keep people from talking to me or asking questions. This doesn't keep those same people from asking Katara questions, though.
The voice belongs to one of the younger girls in the caravan. She is your typical Earth Kingdom girl: long dark hair, green eyes, and pale skin. There isn't anything memorable about her, and I don't remember her name. Katara always has to help me with everyone's names because I don't bother with them.
"He's…complicated…" Katara replies. If I weren't pretending to sleep, I would glare at her. Complicated is a polite way of calling me an ass.
"How long have you known him?"
"Um, about a year, I guess."
"He's handsome."
"I wouldn't say that too loud. He's only pretending to be asleep."
This time I do open my eyes to glare at her, and she smiles triumphantly. It is a real smile too, one that reaches her eyes. It has been a while since I've seen one of those.
"How did you know I wasn't asleep?" I ask.
Katara dunks a piece of dull, green clothing into the water. "You're breathing is different when you sleep. It's not nearly as fast and you stop holding tension in your face and shoulders."
I huff and slowly sit upright. I take my shirt off and sit down in the shallow water.
We've finally reached a greener, less burned part of the Earth Kingdom. It is surprisingly nice here. There is a substantial amount of water in the creek, enough that it has a gentle current. I find myself staring at it. It is soothing. Hypnotic. I am starting to understand why Katara longs for water the way she does.
The persistent hum of human voices fades, but I don't leave the water. I sit there, trying to mull everything over and ultimately failing. I feel…stuck. Lost. I've felt lost before but not like this. This is different. It leaves a horrible, bitter taste in my mouth.
Arms wrap around my neck. They belong to Katara. She has done this before. Sometimes she will hug me if she thinks I need it.
Apparently, I need it.
I feel her against my back, her head resting on my shoulder from behind. It does make me feel better, lighter even though there isn't much to it.
She lets go, strips to her bindings, and jumps into the creek too. Unlike me, she dives in, making sure she is completely immersed before resurfacing. Once she is good and damp, she sits next to me in the shallow water.
It is easy to pretend to be her fiancée. Too easy if I think about it long enough. And if I'm truthful with myself, I'd rather be Lee than Zuko.
"Want to spar?" I ask. I am tired of doing basic forms by myself in the woods.
Katara is surprised. "Uh, sure…but nothing crazy. You're still healing."
Nodding, I stand and offer her my hand. She eyes it skeptically, clearly unsure if she wants to take it. Sometimes it is obvious that I am still not her favorite person, but after some internal debate and visible hesitation, she accepts.
My hand wraps around hers, and I haul her up out of the water. I pull her closer than I meant to. We are a breath apart, pressed together as she gazes up at me with wide, innocent eyes.
Something palpable passes between us, something I've felt only a handful of times before, something not unlike the sensation of Azula's lightning coursing through me. I've felt it with Mai, with Jin, and recently, with Katara. Well, I've felt it with Katara before but not to this extent. It is more intense now.
She must feel it too because she snatches her hand out of mine and leads the way further into the woods.
Fine with me. I don't want to think about it either. It is best to shove whatever it is away. It is already way too easy pretending to be her fiancée, and I am not about to contemplate why.
After a very mild sparing match, Katara and I return to camp, and she immediately helps the others prepare whatever it is we'll be eating for dinner. It won't be much. There is barely enough to go around. Everything is rationed and small. It quickly became obvious why Ela had been so eager to purchase any amount of food the day we met her.
I wander around while I wait for Katara to finish and bring me my rations. When she does, we join Ela and some of her other typical wagon-mates (I've stopped riding in the wagon) and eat our meal.
We finish our food, and I know what's coming next. Katara will demand to treat the hole in my chest since she hasn't done so today.
As expected, Katara motions for me and points to an empty spot in front of the campfire.
I sit without objection. I wriggle my cloak and shirt off my head, trying to ignore the murmurs that erupt around us once my face is visible. My hair hides my ear, but my eye is out for everyone to see. Luckily, there aren't many people around.
I ease out of the bandages with Katara's help. More murmurs resonate around us even though this isn't the first time we've done this. We usually have healing sessions by isolated bodies of water where we can have our privacy, but sometimes Katara insists on other locations.
"What happened to you?" the Earth Kingdom girl from earlier asks bluntly.
Apparently, sharing comet stories is something everyone does to form a sense of community. I can't count the number of times someone has asked why Katara is tending to me or why I wear bandages on my torso and shoulder. Katara often tells me that I'm rude, but I find the questions rude. Maybe I don't want to talk about my injury. Maybe I don't want to share. Don't they think that it might be a sore subject for me? Does it not occur to them that maybe some people don't want to talk about how they were scarred and maimed? I saw a guy without a foot earlier, but did I ask him how he lost it? No.
"He got hurt saving my life…" Katara replies softly, something wistful in her tone as she positions herself between my legs to can get closer to me.
"That's so sweet!" another young woman beams, placing a hand over her heart as a dreamy look clouds her eyes. "Someday, I hope I can find someone who loves me that much."
Katara's eyes connect with mine, and something passes between us again. It is something unspoken, something implied. But I don't know what. Whatever it is, it is too much for me. I look away.
They continue to ramble on about true love and husbands as the familiar healing glow coats Katara's hands. I try not to roll my eyes, but as I look at Katara I can see the thinly veiled hurt flickering across her face as they ask about wedding dates and other mushy shit.
Aang… She is thinking about Aang.
I am instantly furious with these dumb, dreamy Earth Kingdom girls even though they have no way of knowing that talking about 'true love' and 'soul mates' would hurt her. They expect her to beam with pride because they think I am her precious fiancée, her 'true love.'
I reach out and take hold of Katara's hand in silent support as it glides along my chest. The others will see this as a trite display of affection, but it is much more than that. This goes much deeper. I am apologizing.
She watches our hands mesh and squeezes tightly. Our fingers lace and she clings to me for dear life. But soon, she becomes more confused than hurt and yanks her hand away.
Genuinely uncomfortable in more ways than one, I shoot to my feet and make my way toward the isolated spot where we put down our sleeping bags. I don't know if she is finished trying to heal my mangled sinew or not, but I'm not asking. I am finished whether she is or not.
Katara murmurs some goodnight to the girls before falling into stride behind me, struggling to keep up with my heated pace. We walk together in awkward silence. There is tension between us. Things are strained in comparison to the usual effortlessness. That will make sleeping together tonight…complicated.
I keep hearing that stupid Earth Kingdom girl. 'I hope I can find someone who loves me that much.'
As if love is the only explanation for what I did. What does she know? Nothing. That's what.
"It's hot. We should probably just sleep on top of the sleeping bags tonight," I say, trying to dissolve the tension. I sound angry, so it doesn't help. It might even make it worse.
Katara doesn't reply. She stands there, her arms folded over her chest. Brow furrowed. Eyes far away.
"Katara...?"
"Why?" she asks without looking at me, her expression blank and tight.
"Why what?"
"Why did you risk your life to save me?" she clarifies, her eyes slowly rising. "I don't think I ever...really grasped what you did for me until just now. You didn't just save my life… You almost sacrificed yourself in order to do it. You could have died… Why?"
I don't have an answer, so I gawk at her.
"Why would you do that for me? I was cruel to you. I…threatened you."
"I deserved it." I shrug.
"But why would you do that for someone that—"
"I never would have forgiven myself if something had happened to you," I admit.
Tears fill her eyes, but she is frustrated, almost angry. "I don't understand… Do I mean that much to you..?"
My eyes fall to the ground by her feet. "It wasn't really a conscious decision. It wasn't like I had time to think about it. It was just happening. Some unknown force was pushing me forward…"
She closes the gap between us and places her hand over the mark that now mars my chest and will likely mar it for the rest of my life.
My heartbeat quickens under her touch. I can hear it in my ears, hammering against the skin beneath her hand.
We are both thinking it: Is there some implication to what I did? I threw myself at death to save her, to make sure she wasn't harmed. I knew it would probably kill me. In fact, as I lay there writhing in the most pain I'd ever experienced, knowing my insides were sizzling to bits, I had been sure that I would die. But it hadn't mattered. All that mattered to me was Katara and her safety.
Tears roll down her cheeks. She presses her forehead to my sternum. As she cries, she gently hits my chest in frustration with small, balled fists.
I let her. It doesn't hurt.
When she stops hitting me, she wraps her arms around my waist and sobs into my chest, clinging to me as if I am the last person in the four nations.
I don't know myself or my own feelings. What do I feel? Why have I continually gone out of my way to gain the waterbender's approval, her forgiveness? Why did I really jump in front of Azula's lightning for her? Did I do it for Aang? Because she is a better person than I would ever be? Was it because I didn't want to watch her die? Was I saving my own hide? Did I feel obligated? Or, most frightening of all, was it something deeper?
No. What I feel for Katara is nothing like what I felt for Mai. This is different, but my arms still wind around her shoulders. I rest my head on top of hers, holding her close, closer than I've ever dared hold her before.
We are toying with fire. I shouldn't get this close to her. I keep crossing lines. I am standing at some precipice, deciding whether or not I want to jump off or turn back. I also feel like I am already halfway down.
She's warm. She smells good. She feels good against me. Her hair is soft, full of rain, and lilac. I want her closer in spite of myself. I ache for more of her to fill this painful void in me. My body knows she is a healer, that she has the ability to take all that hurt away. After all, she's done so before.
She trembles, shuddering with repressed sobs. I run my hand up and down her back. I run my fingers through her hair in a vain attempt to soothe her. I watch with vacant eyes as my pale fingers aimlessly glide through her thick curls. I doubt she knows why she's crying. That's okay. I have no idea what I'm doing either.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading!