Disclaimer: I do NOT own ANY part of ATLA in any way, shape, or form. I own NOTHING!

Chapter 8:

ZUKO

Being stuck on this ship is torture. We sit in a cramped space amongst all kinds of boxes and exports without any fresh air or sunshine (something that bothers me more than it does Katara).

It's dark, dank, and full of rats, but there is plenty to eat. Katara and I decided that since most of the cargo was plundered from the village anyway, we have the right to help ourselves. Katara figured whoever owned the goods prior would prefer us to have them instead of the Fire Nation.

We sit. We pace. We talk. We spar. We eat. We hide. We wait. We listen. And, most of all, we take care of the baby.

The potential Avatar has been cooperative and is a relatively lazy baby. She isn't that fussy and is doing very well all things considered, but I still don't want much to do with her, something Katara has picked up on. I help (kind of), but I don't touch her unless I have to. I do, however, talk to her and feed her when Katara coerces me into doing so.

Taking care of an infant isn't something I had planned on doing at this point in my life if ever. Feeding babies in the middle of the night is something I always assumed servants would do, especially since I thought I'd be a full-fledged Fire Lord once said babies came around. This kind of thing doesn't really fall under duties designated to the Fire Lord.

But you aren't the Fire Lord, are you?

The journey is lengthy and unpleasant, but it isn't as bad as those three weeks Uncle and I spent on a piece of driftwood after the siege on the Northern Water Tribe. Still, it is pretty far up there on my list of unpleasant journeys, and I want it to end. I need more activity to help dull my guilt. I need to feel the sun. At this point, I'd settle for simply seeing it. I am that desperate. I am a few hours away from losing it.

I am not sure how long we've been on this ship. It's felt like years, but eventually, the ship finally vibrates and slows down, likely pulling into a port.

Momo's ears twitch as Katara and I make eye contact.

"Are we stopping?" she whispers, her eyes dancing around the space.

I stand. "We better be. I'm gonna implode if we have to hide down here any longer."

We are equally eager to get out of here, but we also aren't sure if the ship is just slowing down or actually stopping at a port. This isn't the first time we thought the ship was about to dock only to have our hopes dashed and realize it was only adjusting its course or communicating with another ship.

We wait, listening carefully as the ship bustles with life. When the guards trickle in and grab supplies, we scramble to gather our things as quickly as possible.

The baby is awake and squirming, but I pray and silently beg her not to make too much noise. If she does, we're finished. The days of successfully hiding will have all been for nothing if we fall short here.

Since Katara and I are very used to sneaking on and off ships like this, we move fast. We watch the guards and crew members wander around and rush through the labyrinth of crates and cargo whenever we see a gap but both of us are prepared to attack if we need to (me more so than Katara since she's holding a baby). I'm hoping it won't come to that, though. If someone sees us and recognizes me, we will have company on our tail. Then they could report our location to the Phoenix King. After that, it would only be a matter of time.

We breathe hard as we go through corridor after corridor, stairwell after stairwell, our feet clinking against the metal of the ship as we go. We stop in every available nook and shadow when we need to and emerge again once the coast is clear.

Katara takes the lead as we blaze through yet another passageway. Once another particular hefty guard goes down the flight of rusty stairs we just scaled, I look ahead and see another stairwell. I can finally see some sunlight crashing down from overhead and it gives me a rush of energy, doubling the abundant adrenaline already coursing through me.

As desperate as I am to reach the sunshine bouncing off the deck of the ship, Katara heads for the stairs, but I don't let her get far. Hearing footsteps reverberating down the stairwell, I grab her by the back of her black shawl, haul her off the steps, and shove her into a nearby cranny with me.

Unthinking, I press her back to the cold, metal walling of the ship. My hand goes over her mouth and my body presses against hers, the baby nestled protectively between us.

Voices echo overhead and footsteps thump along the damp, hollow steps of the ship as I shield Katara and the baby to the best of my ability. I hold my breath, knowing that if they look hard enough, we will be seen.

"Where're we headed after this? The capital?" one of the guards barks.

"I hope so. I can't go to any more backwater towns in the tribes or around the Earth Kingdom."

I can practically feel Katara's heart sink to the bottom of her feet as she realizes how close she was to getting us caught. Our eyes no more than an inch apart, I can see her fear.

It grows quiet again. Her vibrant eyes return to normal, so I take that as our cue to move again.

This time we make it onto the deck, but as soon as the crisp air hits me, my blood runs cold. I know this sensation. I know the smell. I see the dark sand and the lush green nestled between the rocky mountain ranges. I hear the waves.

I know where we are.

Taking hold of Katara's arm, I rush us off the ship deck and onto the harbor, but I'm not slowing down. In fact, I speed up and hold my head down to avoid any prying eyes.

"Zuko…" Katara hisses as she resists the death grip I have on her wrist. "What's wrong?"

"We're in the Fire Nation," I mumble, wriggling through the hoards of people clad in red. I stop only when we get to the edge of the port between two kiosks so I can turn my back to everyone.

Katara is as green as my old Earth Kingdom robes. "What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know." I slam my palm into my forehead. "I didn't think this far ahead."

I can't decide if being here is more perilous than if we'd ended up back in the Earth Kingdom. I am even more notorious here. I doubt there are that many people who don't know about their scarred, banished prince.

My throat is tight. My ears are ringing. All I can hear is the sound of everyone cheering in the theater when the Ember Island Players portrayed my death.

"Okay…" Katara takes in a deep shaky breath and grips my hand. "It'll be okay. Just…don't panic. You'll just draw attention to yourself. Pull down your cowl, pull up your hood, and keep your eyes low."

I shift my fingers around until they lace between hers as I take in deep, calming breaths.

Realizing she's right, I nod, but I don't let go of her hand as I turn around to try to navigate our way through the harbor. I'll be less suspicious walking next to Katara as she holds the baby. If we look like a family enjoying their afternoon together, we might be easier to swallow.

I'm not the only one with a hood on over their head. Winter has taken root here as well. It isn't anything near what we were experiencing back at the South Pole, but it is much colder than it was when we were here last summer, and everyone is dressing accordingly.

Everyone is also enthralled by his or her own tasks. Most of them hover over the stands and check out all the goods coming in and out of the harbor. This port is a plethora of shops, kiosks, and little restaurants, and there is a lot going on with the ship we were just on still unloading, so this might work to our advantage. Still, given the season, there aren't too many people here, making everyone easier to notice.

"Slow down," Katara chides, giving my hand a not-so-gentle squeeze. "You're still moving like someone who is up to something!"

I give her a quick glare, which causes me to bump into a tall, lanky man with long black hair and beady yellow eyes.

"Watch where yer goin'!" he snaps and brushes past me roughly.

I almost snap back, but I keep my head down and keep moving.

Aside from the occasional, curious glance, no one gives us much thought. We just look like a couple with a baby. Said baby is getting fussy, but it doesn't call much attention to us. It may even help us blend in more. There isn't anything unusual about a baby crying.

Slowly, the small crowds recede, and I see the many pathways leading out of the port. What we will do once we get there, I don't know. Again, I have failed to plan ahead properly.

My main goal was to sneak onboard a ship and get away from the South Pole. My plans didn't go beyond that, but now, my mind is going wild.

Should we write Sokka? Should I write Uncle? Should we contact other members of the White Lotus? Will the message be intercepted if we do?

Once we are far enough away, we sit down on a fallen tree in a small clearing. It reminds me of the one where I spent many a night waiting for a chance to teach Aang firebending.

The baby is crying, but Katara and I are too stunned to do anything about it. Everything happened so fast. We were doing nothing on that ship, but now we are running around for our lives again.

One step forward and two steps back…

"Do you know what part of the Fire Nation we're in?" Katara bounces the baby gently on her hip and glances around nervously.

I almost laugh. "Yeah. I do."

Katara tilts her head. "…Well?"

"Ember Island."

Her expression is unreadable. "Could we go back to your family's beach house then? Do you think it's safe there?"

"As safe as anywhere else, maybe safer." I fold my arms over my chest and look up at the melancholy, overcast sky. "We won't have to worry about troops or bandits here. I don't think my father knows we were ever there, and I doubt it has even crossed his mind. He's got other matters to deal with."

"Then I say we go after you feed the baby." She puts her in my arms, and to say that I am uncomfortable would be an understatement, but I swallow the desire to shove her back to Katara. I have to get over my urge to avoid this baby and all that comes with it. We are going to be spending a lot of time together.

We make it to the beach on the other side of the island without incident. Almost no one is at the beach. It's too cold to swim, and no one really wants to be at these summer homes during the winter. In fact, I've never been here this time of year either.

It's eerie, how empty this place is. I've never found this beach so unsettling. The overcast sky of gray along with the mass of black sand gives the ocean a strange, lifeless hue of steel blue. Even the green of the trees and foliage surrounding the mountains and ridges seem to have dulled or fallen away with the cooler temperatures.

The sand is dirty and smudged, covered with seaweed, dead fish, and crabs. I feel my feet sinking into it as I stare out at the ocean and then up at the massive house further away.

The wind here isn't nearly as cold as the wind that cut through me at the South Pole, but as I look at our old summer home, the chill in the air here pierces me to my core, freezing me in place as if an icy finger dug into my back until my spine was severed.

For a long time, we stare up at the place we hid with Aang and the others this past summer. It's surreal for both of us. I don't have to ask or look at Katara to know that she feels this uneasiness as I do.

The baby's whimpers bring us out of our trance, curtly reminding us that we need to move and get her out of the chilly yet somehow humid air.

The trek up to the house is a long one.

As a kid, I remember being so excited to see this place. I remember we could never get here quick enough, and once it was in view, I ran as fast as I could to get inside so the fun could finally start.

Now, the walk up to the beach house is long for a different reason. Dread and trepidation lull time to sleep. The weight of this place grows with every step we take. It will bring us pain. I know that, but that inevitability isn't going to keep us from staying here.

Inside, the emptiness is profound. Unsettling. I feel my family's ghosts again. Not only that, but I feel the absence of the others as well. This place holds our last memories of Aang, of team Avatar. It feels as if we are defiling something by coming back here.

I never thought it would be possible for this place to feel even more cursed. I never thought it could get worse. But now there is another layer of bittersweet memories I get to haul around with me for however long we stay here – possibly longer.

There is a strange expression on Katara's face as she wanders the space with the baby squirming and whimpering in her arms. It could be my imagination, but even the baby seems to feel the affliction of this place.

I take a step forward and place a hand on Katara's shoulder. "Maybe this was a mistake… We should've gone somewhere else."

"No." Katara shakes her head. "This isn't just about us anymore. We have to do what's best for Korri, and this is the safest place for her."

I gently pull her around until her shoulders square up with mine. "Are you sure?"

She forces a smile. "I'm sure."

We make ourselves at home here…again. We eat, bathe the ship's filth off us, and unpack a few of our things while trying to ignore the memories that pulse inside the walls around us.

This is so weird. I'm not sure what to do with myself. It feels like I should be looking for Aang or training him out back or getting ready to see The Ember Island Players. Not preparing to play house with Katara. Again.

I light as many fires and candles as I can, trying to breathe some warmth back into this hollow residence. It helps a little.

In the study, I settle into a large chair by an even larger fireplace. As I slouch into the oversized armchair - a chair my father probably sat in but I don't dwell on that long - I think that I shouldn't have left Katara alone. She probably needs me. We need to be together to help ease the sting of returning here, but I can't be with her right now. It's awkward because of the kiss - a kiss I instigated.

I have no one but myself to blame for our current state. I was the one who kissed her. I was the one who practically begged her to leave her home with me.

One of the good things about the raid and all our time on the ship with the baby is that there hasn't been time to dwell on how things between Katara and I have changed. But things will be different now. We've done a great job of acting like it never happened, but I honestly don't know how long we'll be able to keep that up.

Unable to stand the hum of my own thoughts any longer, I get up and look for some things the baby might need. I hope I didn't burn all of our baby stuff when I came here with Azula, Ty Lee, and Mai.

The thought of Mai makes me uncomfortable, uncomfortable to the point of grimacing. I feel guilty, and since I don't really need anything else to feel guilty about, I push it away like I always do.

I leave the study and head for the attic to sift through my family's old things.

It's even mustier up here. The drafty space is filled with cobwebs, thick dust, and old furniture covered in yellowing, white sheets.

I dig around, unearthing bittersweet memory after bittersweet memory. There are lots of family portraits. There are several of Father at various ages (I make a mental note to feed these to the fireplaces later).

In a worn chest full of wrinkled robes and costumes, there is a mask similar to the ones I used to see in The Ember Island Player's Love Amongst the Dragons. It is the mask of the Mighty Dragon Emperor, but with its vacant eyes and toothy, grin, I see the Blue Spirit.

My fingers curl around the edges, and I am tempted to paint it blue.

Uncle would be disappointed if he knew I was even considering - no matter how briefly – resurrecting my old alter ego, so I put the mask back in the chest.

We are in luck. Evidently, I didn't take everything down to the beach and burn it in my fit of rage. I think there used to be more, so I probably did burn a good bit of it. There should be enough for our current needs, though. We have toys, clothes, cradles, and other miscellaneous items I'm sure Katara will know how to use.

I briefly wonder who these items belonged to. They could be mine, Azula's, or even Father's or Uncle's. I don't dwell on it. We need stuff for the baby. It doesn't matter who owned it prior.

"You found a baby bed!" Katara cries as I haul the thing into the hallway near the master bedroom.

"Where do you want it?" I ask, my fingers drumming impatiently along the edges.

Katara blinks. "Where are we sleeping?"

Assuming the we in that sentence is referring to Katara and the baby, I say: "You can have the master. I'll take the guest room next door."

She almost audibly rolls her eyes at me. "Don't be ridiculous. At least five people can fit in that bed."

I start to argue how that is not my issue with this particular arrangement, but I leave it alone. I'll grit my teeth and bear it. If she isn't going to make a big deal out of what happened, then I won't either.

Moving the cradle into the bedroom, I feel a twinge of anger. Despite how desperately I want to pretend the kiss didn't happen, I wish she would make a bigger deal out of it. Did it mean that little to her? Did it leave that small of an impact? Was I that forgettable?

For the sake of my pride, I choose to believe that she just wants me to help with the baby through the night and that she doesn't want to be alone in this house.

"Here." Katara puts the baby into my arms.

I awkwardly hold her at arm's length before placing her on my knee. I expect her to shriek for Katara, but she is content chewing her hands.

Momo sits next to me, eyeing the baby skeptically. She returns his gaze, but with much more intrigue. She loves Momo. Momo isn't as crazy about her since she usually pulls his tail or tries to chew his ears, but that doesn't keep him from coming up to inspect her and sniff her every now and then.

"You're meeting Sokka in the spring, right?" I ask. The baby's cyan-colored eyes run across my face as I speak. She tugs on the sleeve of my cowl in an attempt to get it in her mouth.

"Yes, at the Foggy Swamp." Katara crawls onto the bed beside me.

"What about-" I motion to the child on my knee "- this."

"I'll take her with me," she replies without a hint of hesitation. "Then Sokka and I will take her back home with us."

"You think Sokka will go back to the southern tribe with you?"

Katara frowns and folds her hands in her lap. "Depends. I guess it will come down to what he's found out and how he'll want to move forward."

I growl in the back of my throat. "I wish there were some way to communicate with him."

I miss Sokka's brain. I miss Uncle's guidance. I need both of these things now more than ever, but they are lost to me now. Maybe that is for the best, though. If they were around, I'd be even more inclined to jump into action and do something reckless.

"It's too risky." Katara shakes her head. "I'd never forgive myself if we gave away his location."

"Fine." I sigh. "I'll just wait until we see him in person then."

In the meantime, I'll continue acting like the most worthless snail-sloth in the world...

Katara's bright, blue eyes find mine. They are pleading with me again. "Then what will you do?"

I swallow thickly. "I'll start looking for allies…"

"Building an army, you mean," she adds. It isn't a question.

I blink. "If that's what you want to call it."

"Do you even know how you're going to go about doing that?" Her words are gentle, but something about them makes me bristle.

"No. And I'm not expecting dramatic results. I'll rejoin Uncle and the White Lotus and…start…helping people…" I hear how completely and utterly stupid this sounds as it stumbles out of me.

She says nothing, but judgment slips off her in waves. I sense the skepticism.

I rise to my feet and shove the baby back at her. "Don't look at me like that!"

Katara reels at the volume of my voice. "I'm not—"

My short fuse lights. Something in me snaps, and I explode. "What am I supposed to do while we bide our time and wait for the next Avatar to maybe show up?! Aang could have easily been in the Avatar state when he died!"

Katara winces at my words and the baby cries, but I continue:

"And even if he wasn't, no one wants to fight anymore! No one – including me – wants to go through this again! We lost! It's over! But if you have any bright ideas on what I should do to save the world from my father and get my throne back, please enlighten me! I would love to know what I am supposed to do with the shit hand I've been dealt!"

"Zuko…" She reaches for me.

I jerk back. "Don't…!" My voice quivers as I back away. "Don't touch me…"

I blaze out of the room with no clue as to where I am going. I just need to be away.

This place – this house – is doing something to me. I thought it would be too much for Katara. Turns out, it's too much for me.

Our last memories of Aang are here. My last memories of a full happy family are here. And not too far from here was where I last connected with my sister, Ty Lee, and Mai.

This place… It's cursed. This is where things come before they go off to die and leave you forever.

After spending some time out back firebending my frustrations out, I go to my father's study. I gravitate to this room because is one of the few places that doesn't remind me of anything.

I plant myself in front of the fireplace. The fire inside eats the countless books, Fire Lord portraits, and bits of broken furniture I give it. The flames are unnaturally high as they feed off my black mood.

My thoughts are blank. I simply sit there, watching the fire, losing myself in it until it no longer looks like fire. It is only swirling shades of red, gold, and orange chasing each other around. The colors I saw when Aang and I met the masters are gone. There is no life – only destruction, anger, hate, and pain.

The door to the study opens. The draft from the opened door disturbs my flames.

"Get out," I growl, my eyes not leaving the fireplace.

She doesn't listen. I don't know why I thought she would. She's never had much respect for me or my commands before. I don't know why I thought she would start now.

Without a word, Katara perches herself on the armrest next to me. She is content to stay there too.

Fine. She can sit there and be stupid if she wants, but if she thinks I'll humor her with my attention, she's wrong.

She touches me. I seethe as if she's cut me.

"I'm proud of you," she declares gently. "I never thought I'd say this, but I was happy to see you blow up like that. I'm proud of you for finally talking about this and letting some of it out."

I shake my head and rise to my feet, shoving my hands in my hair as I pace the room.

"You're grieving." Katara chases after me, trying to block my path and catch my gaze.

Maybe. I don't know what I'm grieving, though.

I ache. I hurt all over. I hate. I hate everything, but most of all, I hate myself.

Our roles have rapidly reversed. Now I am the one shattering on the inside. Now I am leaning on her more than she is leaning on me, and I hate myself for that too.

My father was right. I am pathetic and weak. He'd laugh at me if he could see me like this...with a water tribe peasant.

"I'm proud of you, Zuko," she hums, her arms wrapping around me from behind. "I know that you feel lost and overwhelmed, but I believe in you. You're going to help all of us more than you realize. I know it. You've never given up before, and I know you won't give up now."

I am motionless, my arms hanging loosely at my sides as she holds me and buries her face between my shoulder blades. Slowly, I glance at her over my shoulder.

Katara smiles up at me with so much warmth and confidence, that I swell inside, my sternum expanding with fervor. She infects me like a virus. I admire her. She has courage and strength that I've never seen in anyone else.

My blood burns. I want her. I do. I want her like I've never wanted anything else, and that want runs back farther and deeper than I realized. These feelings lived in me the last time we were here together. They could even go back to the catacombs under Ba Sing Se. Who knows how long she's had this hold on my soul.

"I don't know what's going to happen either, but we don't have to go through it alone. We will get through it together. You don't have to take on all of this alone," she continues, oblivious to my soul-shattering epiphany. "We'll do whatever it takes to set things right. All of us..."

She is only half right. There are some things I'll have to do alone. I can't use her and the others as a crutch forever. That is a leader's mantle, but I'm not a leader. Not really. Not yet.

"Thank you, Katara," I say lowly.

She smiles, clearly pleased with herself. Overcome by her emotions, she squeezes me again. She quickly recovers and remembers herself, though, pulling away.

The next thing I know, I've turned around, grabbing her by her wrist and yanking her back to me.

I hug her – really hug her. I'm flush against her. My face in her neck, my arms around her waist, her long hair tickling the top of my knuckles as I grip the cloth clinging to her frame.

She humors me. Her arms go around my neck, and she squeezes me. I feel her shudder as my breath runs along her neck.

She's so responsive – too responsive. There is no more resistance. She conforms to me and molds to me like clay.

At first, I thought kissing her had formed another barrier between us. And it may have but another went down in the process. I feel closer to her now than I ever have.

Katara's eyes widen as she meets my gaze. She sees into me. She pulls out these little pieces of me. It is as if she knows my thoughts. She probably knows what the glow in my eyes means too, but she doesn't move.

For a long time, we just stare at each other as if waiting for something.

I could kiss her again if I wanted. I don't think she'd fight me. She would reciprocate. I think some part of her even wants me to kiss her, but I can't bring myself to do it despite how much I want to plunge myself headfirst into everything about her.

I'm reminded of the circumstances around this – around us. If everything weren't such a mess, this wouldn't be happening.

But it is a mess… taunts a mischievous voice in the back of my head who wants nothing more than for me to act on the basest, most compulsive parts of myself.

As I stare deep into her eyes, I try to remember myself. I try to remember Mai. I try to remember Aang. Aang would want me to take care of Katara, but he wouldn't approve of this. Neither would Sokka.

Do the right thing, Zuko… Be a good, honorable person… chides the other, more righteous part of me.

I don't know which of my inner voices has a better point, so indecision is the ultimate victor.

Katara shifts out of my arms and nervously puts some of her hair behind her ears. "Will you come back and stop sulking in here by yourself?"

I hesitate. Half of me still wants to sulk here, but this is her way of telling me she doesn't want to be alone right now.

Tossing my selfishness away, I follow her to the master bedroom.

The baby is asleep in the crib next to the bed with Momo watching her. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was protective of her.

"Are you hungry?" Katara asks as I remove my shirt and throw myself onto the bed. I am careful to stay on top of the covers – partly to make sure she's comfortable, and partly because I don't need any more temptation.

"No," I mumbled into the pillow. "I'll eat later when she wakes us up."

Pacified with my answer, Katara strips down to her bindings and gets into bed next to me. Even with me lying on top of the covers several feet away, she is still careful to keep as much distance between us as possible.

Things are quiet for a while before Katara starts to wiggle restlessly. She shifts around until she's facing me. I turn towards her. Her eyes find mine and the next thing I know, her fingers are reaching for mine.

The touch is tentative at first. Our knuckles brush. My hand twitches. Then my thumb rubs along the top of her hand. Finally, our fingers weave together amidst the bundle of blood-red blankets between us.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I hope you enjoyed the very delayed chapter!