Chapter 10

The more we faced each other, the more people talked about it. How I managed to ruffle Hürrem's feathers, and how Suleyman did nothing more than chastise me gently for provoking (although she would go out of her way to meddle with me) his second Kadin. As if he held great love for me, rivalling what he once felt for the other woman. In truth, I knew he felt something for me. Passion, fiery passion that burned bright in the moment, resembling a wildfire but was, in truth, a mere flame of a candle. It proved fleeting. This I could see very well, from the way Hürrem behaved, fiercely fighting any potential rival, or by the resigned sorrow etched permanently on the Bas-Kadin's entire body, but more prominently on her facial features. I feared becoming like them, so I tried not to feel.

But that was like trying to hold on to water in my hands. Or even air.

The more he called me, the less I could distance myself, emotionally. Suleyman's tenderness eroded my shields gently, using his love as the battering ram against the fortified walls around my heart. How he'd appeal to my intelligence, drawing me in with deep conversations on history or even his jewel crafting pastime. I wished to curse myself for allowing such weakness, but I did no such thing. I knew, deep down, it would happen whether I liked or not. I cared for the Sultan, he was a kind man if you were careful enough not to cross him. To love him was to curse oneself. But I was already cursed, even before I let myself love. By accepting Valide Sultan's orders to put myself in his path, it brought the enmity of the Kadins, as well as the envy of the women of the harem. By walking down the Golden Path, knowing passion in the Sultan's chambers, I faced a sea of whispers and degrading comments from everyone. I hated it. Nilüfer, Fatma, Metike, Husni were my rocks. My supporters and protectors, in a way. I knew this had a price, as everything else in the Topkapi Palace. And not all of them proved to be the trustworthy friend I thought them to be, at some point. But that came later on.

My life came to a point where I was feted as queen, knowing it was a precarious position. Without a child, especially a boy, I'd be another in the harem, eventually forgotten. But Nature couldn't be rushed. I went on with my life, more worried about surviving to the next sunrise than giving birth to another Sultana or Sehzade. Having Hürrem Sultan's constant dark glare following my every step, my concern was for poison to strike at any moment. I became paranoid of eating, which took little for Nilüfer to notice. When eating among the other women of the seraglio, I'd pick at the food, taking precaution of eating little of everything, in case one of the dishes had been tampered with. Sometimes, I'd wait a while and eat only from plates eaten by other girls. Nilüfer's eyes followed my movements, and I felt her gaze burn on my back whenever we were not together at the same table. One afternoon, she took me aside, put a veil on us and dragged me to the gardens, arms linked.

"What is wrong?" She asked, after nearly an hour of easy bantering and gossip. She had the look of one being cautious, trying to check whether there were spies from Hürrem nearby. I sighed, half leaning against her as support than anything.

"I'm deeply afraid." I confessed, spilling out my deepest fears. It was foolish, to trust someone in the harem without reservation. Nilüfer, somehow, would never betray me. This I was sure, above anything else. And she would prove this to me, in time. "Hürrem will, undoubtedly, make another attempt against me. I'm afraid of being poisoned as well." I told her.

"I haven't heard of Hürrem trying to poison us…" Nilüfer said dubiously. Of course, no one had died, so far. "Some of us have been falling ill, from time to time, but we don't suspect foul play on anyone's part. However…" She had a brooding look, gazing the well-pruned bushes in the distance. I waited with bated breath what she would say next. "She did…once, when Gülnihal attracted Sultan's attention, he gave her a sable neck wrap. It was beautiful and only worn by those of the Dynasty and Kadins. No one of lower status had the right to wear, even less possess such piece of clothing. But he gifted one to her, nonetheless." Nilüfer's gaze became troubled. "Hürrem must've seen her as potential danger to her position. She went mad when she learnt Gülnihal had been taken to the Golden Road, and beat her until Sümbul Agha and Daye Hatun interfered. In the heat of the moment, the gifted neck wrap was left in Hürrem's apartment. Hürrem kept it and went with Hatice Sultan to the Artists' workshop, where they were supposed to choose gifts. Instead, she took a bottle of a liquid used by the workers for finishing items. She soaked the fur with the liquid and gave it back to its owner. Of course, when Gülnihal put it on, the poisoned fur burned her face horribly. It worked for Hürrem's goal, but the poor girl suffered." I felt nauseous, Gülnihal had left the harem before I arrived, but the stories of her loyalty towards Hürrem were nearly legendary. Hearing her betrayal of someone so close to her for the Sultan's love…

"It's awful." I commented, holding my stomach in fear of emptying it then and there. I calmed a bit with Nilüfer's soothing rubs on my back, yet, I was disturbed by the story. "How can she do something so awful to someone who loves her?"

"It's quite easy." Nilüfer said bluntly. "Understand that many in the harem would walk through fire for the chance to serve in the Sultan's chambers. I've heard worse, from people who served in the harem when the past Sultans ruled." It chilled me to the bone to think it could happen to me. I came, knowing the overall history of Ottoman harems. I had grown complacent, believing I was safe from plots and betrayals and whatnot, I guess…

"Would you do it?" I asked impulsively. The question was out of my mouth before I could stop myself from asking. Nilüfer was surprised by the question, but her smile returned.

"Not to you, no." She comforted me.

"Why?" Such sincere reply brought out my curiosity. No one did anything for no payment. Especially in the place we lived in, surrounded by enemies.

"Because I believe you will be different. And because you'll be in a position to help us."

"You think I'd do that?"

"I don't think." She grinned. "I know."

One morning is particularly burnt into my mind. And Suleyman's as well. He teases me frequently over that, even though many years have past since then. I was awakened by the sudden urge to throw up. Fearful of soiling the bed and possibly Suleyman himself, I jumped out of bed and scurried to the nearest basin, where I noisily emptied my stomach. There's no protocol for politely and elegantly throwing up your bowels, so it was quite a noisy affair. Stealthily, Sultan Suleyman came up from behind, and gently gathered my long hair in his hands, holding it out of harm's way, allowing me to hold the basin steady as I finished my business.

"You should see a doctor." Sultan Suleyman said tenderly, as he rubbed my back soothingly, sympathetic expression adorning his handsome face. "You haven't been well lately." He commented. He was right, I had been unwell most mornings so far. But I gave no credence to the subject. After all, I would be well soon enough. It was absurd, in my mind, to be so sick when the sun rose, and well when the sun reached its zenith.

"I'll be fine in a few days." I told him, accepting gratefully the wet towel handed to me by Metike, who had been called in by the Sultan to aid us. The aghas brought another basin, filled with fragrant clean water, and I cleaned myself thoroughly, to rid myself of the foul smell of puke. He looked at me, scrutinising my (possibly) pale face and overall dishevelled look. I wasn't very tidy while sleeping.

"You look like a peasant woman who is finishing a day tending crops." He teased, brushing my knotted hair gently. I hissed as his fingers tugged a particularly nasty knot. Losing ourselves to the task, he brushed my hair while I helped him with thinner and nimbler fingers. He realised what he was doing when we caught aghas and Metike staring at us oddly. He chuckled and patted my head while I finished tending to my hair. "Now you look more like a Kadin than an ordinary peasant." My heart stopped there, and I stared at him. He saw me as one of his kadins? "My, what a pretty blush." He teased, caressing my cheek. "You should go, and do yourself a favour. See the harem doctor, you might have a nasty indisposition and need healing." This was a dismissal, so I stepped next to Metike and we bowed respectfully, before backing out of the room. We waited for the aghas to close the doors before she dragged me away excitedly.

"He loves you very much, doesn't he?" She asked eagerly, her eyes staring at the distance with a dreamy expression and a knowing smile upon her lips.

"Well, I do hope so." I answered aloof, smiling to cut the serious tone I used. "I work every night to keep him in thrall, not to love me is to mock my effort!" We shared a laugh, walking back to the harem so I could break my fast and bathe. The nasty wakeup call left a bitter taste in my mouth and I wished to rid myself of it. Since I had the day mostly to myself, I'd heed Suleyman's warning and see the doctor in the afternoon. It wouldn't hurt to do so, anyway. Hürrem, like many other days, paraded in front of the double doors to the common area with her growing brood. I ignored her and picked at my food, until Nilüfer brought a nice bowl of broth and flat bread. It enticed me more than any elaborate dish crowding the metal tables.

"You look like you need something simpler and filling." She told me as I nipped at the bread in between sips of the broth.

"You have no idea the relief this brings." I sighed happily, bringing out giggles from those at our table. Nilüfer smiled. "I'm going to the doctor after this meal." I told her.

"It's about time." She scolded. "What brought this change of mind?"

"Sultan did, actually." I answered sheepishly. "He worried I might have some nasty ailment."

"It would be wise to do so." Fatma agreed. "Hopefully, you haven't passed on to him." I shook my head.

"So far, it has only affected me." I defended, looking glum. I had hoped it would pass, but they were right. If I wasn't being poisoned, then this could be transmissible.

"Do you need company?" Husni asked shyly. I smiled at her offer.

"No, thank you." I would rather go alone, since they already had their tasks for the day. I didn't want to pull them from their work and set them back further. In the end, I would be fine and they would have to work the remainder of the day, before they were allowed to eat. "I'll be back once the doctor is finished." I rose and bid them goodbye, heading to the harem infirmary. At this hour, people were either busy with the meals or rushing around to fulfil tasks. I walked briskly, acknowledging people in my path. I was so deep in my thoughts, I entered a deserted hall unconsciously. From what I could remember, there was no one ahead or behind me. But, suddenly, from one of the doorways I passed by, jumped someone who grabbed me from behind, dragging me to the room from where they came. I struggled against a larger body, iron limbs surrounding me like chains. Once the door was closed behind the person, I was released. I stepped away angrily, turning to berate the one who had taken me by surprise, but words died in my throat. I couldn't believe my eyes. The man, standing in front of me, who dragged into the room we stood in, disguised as one of the Aghas, was my only brother. His grin went from ear to ear, pleased at his victory over the otherwise tight security of the Topkapi Saraiy. I was so shocked, I gapped like a fish, words dried in my throat.

"Surprised you, didn't I, sweet sister?" He spoke, arrogance and confidence in his actions permeating each word. That brought me out of my stupor.

"Are you insane?" I hissed, anger instead of joy clouding my mind. Fearful of being found, I locked the door of the room, before whirling around to face the idiotic brother I had. "What kind of fool are you?"

"The kind who came from far to save his little sister from the nasty claws of the Ottoman scum!" He growled at me, displeased by my lack of enthusiasm. "Do you really think I'd leave you here, in the hands of these people?" My brother had always been so intelligent, but seeing him in front of me, putting me in danger because he wanted to save me. Brothers were a handful, especially when they think their actions were beyond reproach.

"Why would I need saving?" I asked, vexed by his arrogant stance and gloating behaviour. His actions were more an inconvenience than praiseworthy.

"Because you were brought to the heretic's nest." He growled out, angry. The lack of positive reaction on my part was not what he had expected. I wondered whether he wanted me to fall in his arms, crying of joy for being saved from the godless hell my father had thrown me in. "You are my sister and you deserve nothing less than my utter love and devotion. It doesn't feel right to leave you at their mercy, when your place is at my side, as my sister and advisor. That's what we planned for us, and it'll be so, regardless of the obstacles in our path." His words touched me, but I saw the situation with clear mind and wide-open eyes.

"Brother…" I grabbed his hands gently, noticing how calloused they were, from the swords he used. "You don't understand. I'm no longer your little sister. I'm someone else. I'm a slave for the Sultan. A concubine. And I'm one of his favourites." I allowed the words to sink is, by gauging the evolution of his expressions. "I have no place among Catholic society. I'd become a pariah, if I ever tried to go back. I don't want to go back, this is my reality now." He was a stubborn man…I saw his expressions go from disbelief, to sadness, to anger, then sadness again. And, suddenly, his gentle hands became iron shackles around my wrists.

"You are my sister, do you believe I will leave you here?" His demeanour had darkened, his kindness, all good I recognised on my brother disappeared, leaving behind the angry wraith in front of me. Only then did I realise there were more changes on him than I had first realised. His eyes were dull, deep purple bags indicating lack of rest, hair and skin coarse from the lack of care, there were bandages peeking from under his neckline, indicating he was still sporting wounds from the war. It made me believe he had come for me right after the Ottoman army departed for Istanbul. It saddened me, but I was set in my path, and, despite a small part of me cried for my family and the assured safety of my old home, I knew too well I would never return, either alive or dead. There was no place for me in Christian society, who would've regard me as unclean, spoiled goods, unfit for any good lord worthy of his name. I'd rather remain where I could be cherished, even for a little while, and maybe have a baby for myself, when Suleyman's eyes wandered to another woman of the seraglio. I hardened my heart then and there, shedding all the sisterly feelings I held. It would do no good to have them tempt me from my path. I pulled my hands from his grasp and took steps back, putting some distance between us.

"You must leave." My voice held no warmth for the man in front of me, my eyes holding no spark of recognition. "You are an intruder to the Topkapi Palace, and I will sound the alarm for this invasion." Then my expression thawed a bit. "Brother, leave and don't look back." He growled and made a sudden movement to grab me. I dodged the first movement, but he was faster and bigger, catching me easily.

"It matters not! You'll come, regardless of will." He told me, putting one arm around my torso, locking my arms, the other hand on my mouth, muffling my protests. "All you have to do is comply and come quietly. Your will has nothing to do with this. I'm your eldest male sibling here. My word is law." This cannot be! I panicked. One moment of clarity was all I needed. I bit his hand as hard as I could while he spoke spitefully, and the attack made him yell mid-speech. I felt his arms slacking around me and shoved him away with the strength I could muster. "Ungrateful wench!" He yelled from where he had fallen. I turned around, before he had the chance to rise and do anything else, unlocked the door and ran out, screaming as I dashed through the deserted hallway. Aghas and kalfas appeared suddenly, as well as other Cariyes. Terror filled me at the sight of the aghas and I used it in my advantage. I held onto the first kalfa that appeared in my path. "Help me!" I wailed, making a pretence of looking behind me, as if I expected something to appear from the hallway I came from. They looked in the same direction before looking at me.

"What's wrong? What happened?" One of the kalfas surrounding me asked, concerned. I shook my head, trembling.

"A man…" I tried to speak between sobs. "A man dressed as an agha grabbed me and tried to drag me somewhere." I sobbed more, shaking in true fear. "He laughed…saying it was easy to get in and steal pretty things." I babbled, trying to sound mad with terror. The aghas ran in the direction I had come from, to intercept the intruder before he could escape. Shouts echoed around, people sending the Cariyes back to the main room of the harem, under guard, while the remaining aghas searched possible hide outs and hidden passages. Sümbul Agha came running at the beginning of the commotion, seeing the crowd gathering, shouted orders to kalfas and aghas. When Daye Hatun came to see what the problem was, she noticed my terrified figure and ordered the kalfa holding me to take me to Valide Sultan. I thanked her between sobs and took refuge in Valide Sultan's rooms. The fear I felt and used as façade wasn't for my brother to catch me. Rather, I feared my ruse being uncovered. My punishment would be terrible, I would lose my life to the dark waters of the Bosphorus, or maybe beheaded along with my brother. I didn't want to lose my life! Not to Hürrem's plots, not to the bostanji-bashi!

"What's happening?" The older woman asked imperiously, then rose from her divan, worried at the pitiful sight I must've presented. "Come, sit her here." She ordered the kalfa, pointing to the closest plump pillow to her divan. "Bring hot beverages!" She waved to one of her servants, who hurried to comply. "My dear, this ruckus, what is happening?" Hatice Sultan, luckily, was at her own palace, being too pregnant to visit her Valide with the same frequency as before. Gülfem was the only one attending the Valide Sultan.

"A man…" I managed to clear my voice, taking deep breathes to calm myself. In the ruckus, the fear of being found as liar scared me enough to give credence to my subterfuge. "Some man, dressed as one of the aghas approached me and tried to drag me out of the palace. I didn't recognise him." I sobbed again, this time fearful for my brother's fate, when they found him. He would be labelled a spy and…the thought caused me to cry hard. Through my tears, I saw Gülfem abandoning her pillow to share mine. Her arms encircled my shoulders and I turned to cry on her shoulder. The support calmed me momentarily, I was able to tone down my grief somewhat, whispering 'thank you' to the older woman. Valide Sultan, in the meantime, had commanded servants to bring her Daye Hatun and Sümbul Agha. Obviously, the knowledge that someone managed to break in was a serious threat. No one was safe until it was clear and all of the security holes were patched up correctly. Also, a breach of security of this magnitude would definitely reach the Sultan's ears and didn't bode well to those responsible for the security of the entire palace. It didn't make me feel better knowing, certainly, heads would roll, even if I managed to escape unscathed. I looked up to see one of the Valide's servants holding a gilded glass, smiling. I took the beverage and thanked her.

"This will be dealt with." Valide Sultan assured me, reaching over to pat my shoulder. I tried to sip on the beverage, but the liquid nearly caused me to gag. "From now on, try to have one of the Cariyes accompany you wherever you go, yes dear?" She patted my cheek gently, soothingly. In truth, it did nothing to soothe me. The guilt and remorse weighed upon me, as if stones were falling on my head, threatening to bury me alive. What would become of my brother, when he was found? What would become of me, if they realised our connection? Everything seemed to crash down on my head. The beverage had tasted like mud, bringing back the nausea that afflicted me in the mornings. My senses were numbed, terror and sorrow engulfing me in a dark embrace, taking over completely. Natural sounds were overwhelmed by this buzzing sound, hurting my head and ears, while air seemed too thick, making it harder and harder to breathe. Then I knew no more.

"Look, she's waking up!" A cheerful voice echoed in my ears. I felt drowsy and aching all over, no strength in my limbs. Hands reached to touch my face, hair. As my senses returned, I could feel my hands being held. Unconsciously, I squeezed lightly the tender hand holding me. More cheerful words passed, which I could barely register. The muddle of voices became clearer and easier to distinguish. The fog in my mind lifted slowly but surely, I opened my eyes to see a crowd around the bed which I occupied. Sitting on both sides of my bed, were Valide Sultan and Nilüfer. I half expected Suleyman to be there, but it was a passing fancy. Husni, Fatma and Efsun stood at the foot of my bed, behind Daye Hatun and Nigar Kalfa. The harem doctor touched my face and examined me before standing straight up and stepping back. Valide reached to pet my hair, smiling brightly.

"Allah be praised, child!" She enthused, patting my cheek.

"My Valide?" I asked tentatively, fearing my brother had been found. "Has the intruder been caught?" She shook her head.

"The news are better than that!" She spoke joyously, looking at the harem doctor. I realised everyone shared the same expression of relief mingled with joy. Nilüfer's eyes shone particularly bright, when the fateful words came out of her, changing my life completely.

"You're with child, Mihrişah!"