Chapter 12

The news of my pregnancy spread through the harem like wildfire. When announced to the Divan, it was spilled out of the palace and rejoiced around the Empire. I was exalted for my condition and given leave of work and serving Sultan. Unfortunately, it meant I would see him rarely, unable to influence him and keep Hürrem's influence from increasing again. For now, however, I was to celebrate my exalted condition. Valide Sultan called all women to the outer hall, just outside the double doors to the main area of the harem. We stood on the elevated walkway, I stood one step behind the older woman, Daye Hatun by her side.

"Girls." Valide Sultan called them to attention. "Today, we are graced by Allah with another future child for the Empire." She turned and nodded to Daye, who held one large pouch of gold in one hand, the other inside. Daye began throwing gold coins over the small crowd. Squeals of delight floated to where we stood, where the girls and some of the kalfas scattered around the courtyard to pick up the raining gold coins. As Daye rained down gold, they shouted up to us happily.

"Allah bless you!" They cried happily. "Allah bless the baby!" I watched curiously, this ritual was something odd, in my opinion. I asked Nilüfer later. As we settled among the other women, both carrying embroidery to do while chatting, she answered my persistent questions.

"I'm not sure, actually." She confessed. Efsun sat by our side, also carrying embroidery. "Do you know why they shower us with gold when there's a pregnancy?" Efsun scoffed, stabbing crudely the cloth with her needle.

"Of course!" Efsun sneered, and Nilüfer scowled at her. "This is another way of spreading the good news and having everyone pray for a good hour and a Şehzadeh." She told us, her tone disrespectful. Nilüfer hated when Efsun got all high and mighty, but I smiled at the girl. Sharp words came out of her lips, but I had seen her heart was in the right place. She was as kind as she could afford to be, in this place. And I didn't hold it against her. I ought to tell Nilüfer not to be harsh.

With the turn of events, I found myself receiving more attention, from everyone, be it friends or foes. Mahidevran Sultan acknowledged me frequently, asking solicitous questions on my wellbeing and that of the child. I replied most respectfully, while asking for advice. She was aloof, but never needled or snapped at me, the way Hürrem did whenever we crossed paths. She was solicitous in Suleyman's presence, and turned around in personality when he absented himself. Like Valide Sultan had said, there was no moment where I was alone with her. So her temper and bitterness had always witnesses. I fear she was unable to hold herself back, whenever she saw my growing belly. Suleyman was once again ignoring the harem, and Hürrem as well. He called for no one at night. I would be called for mere company, but his eyes would stare into the distance, as if he was trying to see beyond the walls. He had his mind elsewhere, and that intrigued me. I caught Sümbul Agha whispering something in his ear twice, before vanishing from the Palace grounds. Suddenly, he began taking interest in hunting again, going out every other day, sometimes alone, others with Ibrahim Pasha. Still, I worried with his lack of interest toward the harem. It gave Hürrem the opportunity to rise again, as she would enter his chambers shortly after I left. Valide Sultan and I met frequently, nearly daily. I believe it was mostly to keep me under her eye so that nothing would happen to me and the child. We would discuss many things, some political points of the harem and beyond, or plans for both my future child, and Hürrem's diminished sphere of influence. Since my condition meant Sultan Suleyman and I couldn't continue our intimacies, Hürrem had been on the prowl, attempting to get back to his good graces. Little by little, she was recovering ground lost when I became Ikbal. In this, I would need back up.

"Any particular idea on the subject?" Gülfem asked, smiling genuinely. I grinned, glad she finally asked in midst of the usual small chat. Mahidevran had never accepted the invitation to attend these meetings, using Mustafa as excuse. She campaigned for herself and her son, using the boy to gather his father's attention.

"Sultan dines with me on the morrow, my sultana." I answered. Despite my condition, Suleyman and I shared meals, where I could relish in his company. "If it pleases you, I'd like to have one or two dancers perform for us." I grinned, glad they were receptive to the plan. Valide was quiet for few moments, then smiled.

"That's a fabulous idea!" Valide complimented me, I felt my cheeks burn, feeling embarrassed and proud. Gülfem and I exchanged amused glances, trying hard not to laugh. Valide turned to Daye, who was always present at these meetings. "Daye, do you have anyone in mind?" She asked the older woman, who bowed upon being addressed.

"Indeed, my Sultana, there are some who can be of use." Daye mused out loud, for our benefit. "I will see to the choosing and preparation." Valide nodded.

"I want it to be perfect for my Aslan, they must be perfect in their performance, or else he won't pay any attention." Valide spoke. She was right, Suleyman had the habit of paying little attention to the dancing women, unless they were exquisite and wove their moves perfectly timed with the music. "Mihrişah, do you require anything else?" She asked. She was very solicitous of me, as was Hatice. I was glad for their help, for the harem was darker than perceived to be, outside these marble walls. Hidden by the golden halls and beautiful attires and jewelled arches, hid secrets and crimes committed, for the sake of being the one to walk the Golden Path, towards favour and glory. I glowed with pride, in my knowledge of having achieved what I had been asked and continuing down the path that many would kill to walk.

"No, my Valide." I said. "To be here, in your presence, is a blessing." I looked towards the door, somewhat sad. "Outside these doors, people are vicious and cruel." I caressed my growing belly. "Sometimes I fear for my life and my child." These worries I had never spoken to anyone. Not even Nilüfer, who was my constant companion and guard. She took good care of me, but even she was unable to shield me from all of the nasty things jealous concubines threw to those more fortunate.

From that day on, two aghas were stationed outside the door to my room, which I shared with Ayşe. She was confused at first, but when I spoke it had been the Valide Sultan's wishes, she shrugged and went back to her tasks. Nilüfer also questioned me. I spoke truthfully to her, spilling the fears I felt, living in the treacherous golden halls of the Topkapi Palace. She smiled and soothed my nerves as only she could, that afternoon. One day, Fatma ran to me, face in wonder.

"Mihrişah!" She hissed, tugging my arm as to pull me behind a pillar, hiding us both from sight and potential eavesdroppers. I was too curious to chide her or the like, I allowed her to pull me. She was safe, having taken no sides. "Why did Nilüfer ask an audience with Valide Sultan?" She asked, her eyes shining. "What is going on?" That I did not expect. Nilüfer was uninterested in Sultan Suleyman's attentions, I had thought she would wait until I had consolidated my position. Or so I thought. I smiled to Fatma, trying to look unpreoccupied by the news she brought to me. I couldn't allow anything to upset me, it would affect my unborn child.

"Maybe she's sick of waiting." I told Fatma, soothing her concern. She was such a kind girl and I wished I could do more for her. One day, perhaps, I'd help her achieve her ambitions, the same with those closest to me. I rewarded them as best as I could, but sometimes, I felt it wasn't enough. "She has seen my happiness, perhaps she wishes for her own piece of heaven." My eyes shone with mirth and I pulled Fatma to my arms. She saw I needed the comfort, for her arms surrounded me, cocooning me in warmth and kindness. Bitter emotions threatened to engulf me, despite my attempts to stop them. Jealousy, anger, sorrow.

I was deeply in love with Suleyman, when I knew too well he wasn't mine alone.

He would never be.

She didn't deserve my coldness, it was a given. When she returned from the audience with Valide Sultan, I sat among the favourites, in the main room of the harem, embroidering baby clothes for my future child. Ismilah and Efsun sat on either side of my pillow, exchanging polite words and ideas for clothes for my baby. New-borns of both sexes could use the same type of clothes for the first few months, but I would need something more gender specific when the baby reached a certain age. I had discussed with both the immediate need for clothes for the first few months and they agreed to help me sew and embroider a piece each. Efsun sewed the clothes while Ismilah embroidered the hems with passages from the Koran, to ward off bad luck and curses, using golden thread I had provided her. My embroidery was mostly animals and flowers, since I wasn't as good embroidering words. Nilüfer found me like this, sitting in the middle of the two girls, and preoccupied by the work at hand. I didn't look up, nor did I exchange any greeting. I simply focussed on my work. The bitter jealousy was always present and I couldn't swallow it completely, I allowed it to sour my mood. Even when Daye Hatun called me for the meal with Valide Sultan, she rose to accompany me but I called Fatma instead. I turned away, pretending not to see her wounded expression, walking with Fatma in tow. I had little appetite that night, which Valide Sultan commented. I told her I was feeling somewhat down and she would have none of it. She beckoned one of her servants to play, while another danced for my enjoyment. But then I asked if I could sing instead and I ended up singing a duet with Gülfem, marvelling the Valide Sultan and Sultan himself, who entered unannounced, intending to surprise us. He was the one who was surprised by our song and enchanted by the wonderful mixture of tones. Gülfem and I were embarrassed but pleased by the compliments. He sat on Valide Sultan's divan, and I sat at his feet, on a large comfortable pillow.

"How are you today, Mihrişah?" He asked, holding my hands in his big, calloused, gentle hands. I marvelled at the rough skin and big fingers engulfing mine easily.

"I am fine, my lord." I said truthfully. I had been feeling down in the beginning of our meal, meanwhile, all of the older women's attempts to cheer me up worked. Singing with Gülfem did the trick, I finished the song smiling. "This evening I find myself cheered by the entertainment here, as well as being able to accompany Gülfem in a song. And seeing you is the pinnacle of my day." I couldn't help but say, jealousy forgotten. "A day without my Sultan is like a cloudy day, with no hope for the sun. But you appear, and it is like the sun shining through the dark clouds, banishing them away to clear the sky and grace the flowers with his precious light." He grinned at my poor attempt for poetry. It was the only thing I failed miserably, but he never remonstrated me nor did he mock my words. I wasn't as eloquent as Muhibi, despite my best efforts.

"I find myself missing you as well, Mihrişah, my sun." He told me gently, kissing my head tenderly. "The nights are cold, the days without light, whenever you are away from me." I looked at him in wonder. Then the moment was ruined when I felt pain shooting up my spine, causing me to wince. "What is it?" He was concerned by the sudden pained look I must have.

"Just this, my lord." I guided one of his large hands and laid it on my large belly. His expectant look was replaced by wonder and joy. I could feel every kick and I was glad he could as well. "He is already a warrior, my lord." I joked. "He keeps fighting day and night. I won't be surprised if he comes out holding a sword and littles spurs attached to his little feet." They all laughed.

"It might be a girl." He told me, to which I shrugged.

"Then she will be a warrior, like her father. And we'll have hard times ahead of us, for she will handle a sword as well as her brothers." I teased. Well, half a tease. My words held truth. No daughter of mine would be a little mouse, hiding behind my skirts. I'd teach her to fight, to hold a sword and shoot arrows. I had learnt, she would too. The Sultan smiled.

"I won't have to worry about my harem, with our daughter to protect my family."

"No matter what, boy or girl, my child will be a credit to you, my lord." I told him seriously.

"I know. You are a credit to me and my family." He complimented me, peppering my hair with kisses. "Our child will be the culmination of our love. Be it boy or girl, I'll love the child dearly." This night, he did not ask for company. I desired to return to my room, despite my wanting to stay with Suleyman, I had had no rest due to the baby. When I arrived to my chambers, however, I found a situation I had not foreseen. At the foot of my sleeping couch, was a pallet. Sitting on the pallet, preparing to sleep, was Nilüfer. I stood still, stunned by her presence. She noticed me and grinned.

"Hi!" She cheerfully greeted, rising from her bed. I couldn't talk, I was wondering how and why she was there. Ayşe was glaring at us both, but her expression also betrayed the curiosity we shared at Nilüfer's presence. She made me change to my nightgown and helped me to bed. Only then, when the initial shock vanished, I managed to get words out.

"Why are you here?" I hissed, not wanting Ayşe to overhear us. Nilüfer tucked me in and grinned.

"I'm here in case you need anything." She whispered. "I asked to see Valide Sultan today for this reason. She granted me several requests, actually, but all in your benefit." Suddenly, I felt guilty. In my jealousy, I had thought the worse of her and remorse gnawed at my soul. "What is it?" She asked, worried. Tears flowed from my eyes, unbidden. Damn mood swings…

"I'm sorry." I sobbed. "I thought the worst of you." I confessed, trying my best to stop crying. "I know my lord is not mine alone, but I thought you had gone to Valide Sultan to help you walk the Golden Path in my stead." I spoke honestly in my grief, the guilt eating me inside. Nilüfer laughed quietly.

"Oh, that." She waved my apologies aside. "Maybe one day, I might have that luck. Who knows? Maybe Valide Sultan will help me achieve it, maybe I'll catch the Sultan's eye." She grinned impishly. "Maybe you'll help me instead." We shared a laugh and I felt lighter then. "No, my concern now is you, and the child." Her hand caressed my belly, bulging through the bedcovers. "When you spoke of your fears, I knew I had to go to the Valide Sultan and ask her to be with you day and night, in case anyone bribed agha or kalfa tries to do away with you." Nilüfer sighed. "I'll be sleeping at the foot of your bed from now on. I'll be with you as much as possible. If I'm not available, either Husni or Fatma will be there to replace me. Valide Sultan has ordered so. You will never be alone." Those last words were spoken with such strength, my fears vanished. I smiled easily.

"Thank you, my friend." I pulled her down and kissed her cheek. "Now, let us sleep, tomorrow is a new day." She giggled and went to her pallet. Nights were now safe, for both of us. We had the aghas at our doors, to stop anyone from sneaking in, and I had Nilüfer by my bed to soothe my nightmares.

"Hatice Sultan's pregnancy is going well?" I asked Valide Sultan.

"She has been feeling unwell for some time." She told me, frowning. The older woman looked worried, which meant the situation wasn't good. "Gülfem Hatun and Nigar Kalfa have gone to her Palace in order to keep her company until the birth." No wonder I haven't seen them in days.

"That's good." I said, as we sat in her chambers. I had a piece of baby clothing to finish sewing, while she perused some documents. "She shouldn't be alone at this time." She smiled at me.

"Indeed." She nodded. "Hürrem is visiting her today, as well. It's good to have her out of the Palace, means it's more peaceful without her belligerent personality." I smothered a giggle. She was right in describing Hürrem. Mahidevran Sultan arrived suddenly, pulling me back to the present. Valide Sultan put down her documents.

"Valide Sultan." She greeted with a quick curtsey. Then she looked at me and tilted her head as greeting. "Mihrişah." I rose quickly to bow to the first Kadin, only sitting back down after she did.

"How's Mustafa?" Valide Sultan asked the Bas-Kadin, who glowed at the question.

"He's wonderful, my Valide." The pride in her son's accomplishments was obvious. "He's improving his skills at archery and sword fighting, and-" She was interrupted by the hasty arrival of Daye Hatun. Valide Sultan rose to her feet, alarmed.

"Daye, what's wrong?" She demanded, alarmed. Daye bowed quickly, smiling.

"My Valide, Hatice Sultan has delivered a healthy baby boy." She told us. I rose slowly.

"It's too early for this." She said, then turned to Mahidevran. "We shall go to Hatice's palace. Mihrişah, return to the harem." She shot at me, before turning away. Sümbul Agha arrived then, smiling cheerfully. "Sümbul, have my carriage prepared. Daye, help me prepare." I bobbed quickly and left before I was yelled at, in the middle of the frantic preparations. Mahidevran walked out ahead of me, heading to her chambers. I wish I could go with them, but I wasn't a kadin. I haven't been outside the walls ever since I was brought here. As I walked back to the harem, Hürrem stormed past me, her face sour and eyes red, as if she had been crying. She didn't even notice whoever was in her path, and I was left to wonder what had happened in the Sultana's palace. Well, I would have to wait until someone managed to wrest some kind of information out of Hürrem, if she didn't shout it out for all the palace to hear. I was about to walk into the main area of the harem, when one of the aghas at the door stopped me.

"Mihrişah Hatun." He whispered, and held out a nicely carved box in my direction. "Someone asked Şeker Agha to ensure this would reach you." The box was beautiful, I wondered who would go through the trouble of secreting it into the Topkapi Palace. I smiled and hid the box with my large sleeve.

"Thank you, agha." I picked up a little pouch of gold coins, which I had the habit of carrying, and gave it to him. Without another word, I made my way to my room, where I opened the box in peace. Inside was a scroll and a simple silver dagger. Huh, what kind of gift is this? I took the scroll and opened it. My heart stopped. Brother!

My beautiful sister Aliz,

My heart hurts to know you are there willingly. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of our family's honour. It helped us retain our titles, under Sultan Suleyman's governance. Still, your sacrifice rankles me. I wish you would heed my words and returned to us. No amount of gold or titles could ever fill the gap your absence left in our family. Mother misses you, so does Father.

This dagger belongs to our family collection of heirlooms. You need to protect yourself in that pit of snakes. And, if for any reason, you decide to leave, it'll be useful. Show the coat of arms to Signeur Gritti. He'll help you out, the same way he helped me in.

May God keep you safe.

From your loving brother,

Johann

I crumpled the paper and held it against my chest, crying. Oh brother, what lengths you go to ensure I'm well. I smiled, thinking it was typical of him. Kissing the paper, I read it one last time before throwing it in the fire. I consigned the words to a place in my mind, safe from prying eyes and warring kadins. The dagger, was another matter. I could use a weapon. It would give me leverage against physical threats.

I arrived to the main area of the harem for the last meal of the day and found the women in a buzz. Something had set them off like bees in spring. I spotted my friends and headed in their direction.

"Everyone's lively at this time of the day." I commented lightly as I sat between Husni and Nilüfer.

"Haven't you heard?" Husni asked, her expression a mix of several emotions. Nilüfer's hand closed around mine, holding me tight. Almost painful. I gave her an odd look. Whatever's the problem?

"Hatice Sultan gave birth to a baby boy." She announced, but with a grim tone.

"That's good. It's a happy event." I tried to smile, but none of them shared my joy. Nilüfer looked particularly bothered.

"Hürrem was there for the birth. The baby was born without breath. But she saved him. She saved Hatice Sultan's baby!" Fatma told me, since Nilüfer wasn't forthcoming with the details. "She's back to Sultan's affections."

"What?" I stood up, staring at the girl as if she was an aberration. WHY?! Why now? I paled considerably, feeling faint all of a sudden. Nilüfer held me as I swayed on my feet, Fatma looking sorry for me. "What does that mean?"

"It means she's going back to him. He has called for her tonight!"