Chapter 13

I tried not to let it show, but it bothered me. It bothered me a lot. Yes, she saved Hatice Sultan's baby boy. But it gave her access to Sultan once more. She was like a cat, coming back no matter how far she was thrown, and falling on her feet. I stabbed the embroidery needle in the fabric a little too hard, then swore under my breath. Husni, who sat by my side, glanced, worried, in my direction, but kept words to herself. She was aware of why my mood had gone south and stayed there. While everyone around us celebrated Mehmed's birth, the son of Ibrahim Pasha and Hatice Sultan, I sat sullenly, biting my lower lip and trying to block out what I saw as Hürrem's victory. But then I felt bad and sighed. Hatice Sultan had been extremely happy with her pregnancy. Wishing Hürrem hadn't saved the baby was spiteful and I felt guilty for being angry. Husni's hand was on my arm, calling for my attention silently.

"Are you unwell?" Her concern made me feel even worse. I shook my head.

"I feel fine, the nausea has past." I answered, my eyes jumping from one girl to the next, as they celebrated and chatted loud.

"It's good that Hatice Sultan's baby survived." Husni said, changing subject. She sat back, goblet in hand, held in my direction. I took it with a simple 'Thanks' and drank.

"She's happy. And so is our lord." I said neutrally. Suleyman had called for Hürrem for three nights in a row. And, of course, Hürrem was back to being insufferable. She must've felt like the hen on top of the henhouse, crowing to the wind her victory. And, thinking of the devil…

"Good afternoon, girls." Hürrem walked in, followed by Gül Agha and her servants. Some of the Cariyes gathered around her, eager for her attention. I rolled my eyes and kept stabbing the embroidery, not bothering with being respectful. Husni sat down after bowing, and I sensed her worried glances. It did nothing but incense me further. It wasn't Husni who annoyed me further. Hürrem did. Her shadow was on me, I sighed and looked up to her grinning, wicked face. "Are you alright, Mihrişah Hatun?" Her fake concern was dripping with unbridled joy. I sighed and did my best to school my expression to one of cheerful normality.

"Good afternoon, my Sultana." I answered, not bothering to rise. "I'd bow, but I'm afraid the movement would cause me to soil your pretty feet." I tilted my head to the side, staring up at the woman. I cared less if she complained about me to the Sultan. I smothered a giggle when I saw her take several steps back, fearful of my unpredictable retching. She tilted her head from side to side, her expression changing to disgusted, then to angry, finally setting on fake sympathy.

"Maybe you shouldn't sit here." Her less than polite tone surfaced, fitting for the fake sympathy displayed. "You'll end up stinking up the room for the rest of us." Wanting to be nasty, I faked apprehension.

"Indeed, you are right, my Sultana." I agreed. "But you shouldn't worry, since you don't belong among us." My words were rude, and they were out before I could rein them in. Still, I didn't regret them.

"Listen, you low ranked slave," She hissed, glaring at full force. "don't get ideas above your station. You won't be another kadin, nor will you have any more chances of panting after the Sultan's feet." I didn't fall for her bait. Instead, her retribution was a smile and polite words. I couldn't make the mistake of incurring anyone's wrath. Not yet.

"Perhaps, my Sultana. Birthing a Sultana wouldn't be bad either, however." I caressed my growing belly. "Still, you're not the one who chooses who spends the night with the Sultan. He does. Let's see how long you last there." She would've answered, but we had already attracted too much attention. Gül Agha was instantly by her side, trying to diffuse an already tense situation. With one last furious glare in my direction, she turned around and stormed out of the main room, followed by furious whispering. Husni shook her head, breathing heavily.

"You'll be the death of us." She scolded me, hand on her chest. I sighed and turned back to my embroidery, my eyes connecting to Nilüfer's on the other side of the room. She had a panicked expression, but dared not to approach. My thoughts turned dark. I had to live. For myself, for my child. And for their sake.

"No, I hope I'll be the death of her."

The Sultan clearly had other ideas. After spending three nights with Hürrem, he ceased calling either of us for company, dedicating his time to his past times or government issues. I wasn't as affected as Hürrem, who stormed down the halls, her volatile temper flaring against whoever crossed her path. I was cheered by the fact that he chose no one, over me. I knew he wasn't mine, but still, the irrational part of me ached whenever I was left out. Then, all of a sudden, Sultan decided to dine with his Bas-Kadin and his first Şehzadeh one night. Maybe it was the pregnancy, but that stung quite a bit, to be relegated to the background. That irrational part of me flared, leaving me tearful. I was realistic about my position, still, I wasn't emotionally stable during that time. I confessed my jealousy to Nilüfer, and she smiled sadly.

"Such is the fate of us women for the Sultan." She told me, rubbing my back tenderly. I marvelled at her care for me.

"One day, I'll share him with you." I vowed, despite my tears. Of all of those supporting me, she was the one I wanted to raise the most. I wanted to reward her for the tender care, for how she always looked out for me. But Nilüfer didn't seem to care, she simply shrugged.

"Whether that'll happen or not, it is up to Allah." She soothed me. "For now, you need to focus on the child. Valide Sultan ordered me to care for you. Once you're safely delivered, maybe I will have that chance." Her eyes shone and we shared a laugh.

"Can you see?" I asked suddenly. "Us both as the third and fourth kadins, mothers of imperial princes." She shook her head.

"No, I don't wish for that." She disagreed with me, to my surprise. "I'd rather have a Sultana. I'd still have some favour like that, but my children wouldn't have to go against yours, but they will support yours instead." Her words touched me deeply.

"Like you do to me." I marvelled, and threw myself in her arms, both laughing. Ayşe gave us an annoyed look, keeping quiet. Our flamboyant interaction aggravated her, nuisances we were, according to her. But who would listen to her? We went down to the harem, to mingle with the girls. They were all in a frenzy, commenting the sudden change, of Suleyman choosing his Bas-Kadin's company that night.

"And Mustafa's as well!" Husni pointed out, glancing apologetically in my direction. I took a piece of bread and ate it, smiling. Nilüfer had cheered me up, so the needling of the more jealous girls didn't bother me. One particular nasty piece of Cariyes, who was in league with Hürrem, didn't stay silent.

"He decided you're not interesting enough to keep him 'company', Mihrişah." The girl told me, named Zala, grinning spitefully. Nilüfer glared openly, but one glance at me and her features softened.

"So what?" Fatma snapped. "Should the Sultan ask you what he should do?" Husni grabbed Fatma's arm and pulled her back down to her seat. Zala gave them a scornful look, before turning back to me. I couldn't say it didn't hurt to hear those words. But I was bigger than that. The answering smile was bright.

"Oh Zala." I gushed, my hands going directly to my growing belly. "I'm certainly interesting enough. Or else I wouldn't be in this predicament. By the way, how many times have YOU walked down the Golden Path?" I took care to use a kind tone. My friends were scowling, but by the end of my little question, they were snickering behind their hands and casting mocking glances at the reddened girl. "You shouldn't throw spiteful words around if you don't have anything to back you up." I scolded her, my voice harder and colder. "The Bas-Kadin deserves respect, and all your words tell me is that you respect no one. I wonder what the Valide Sultan would say to that." My threat certainly finished the deal for me. Zala paled considerably and shrank in her seat, not daring to look or talk for the rest of the meal. And no one dared to defend her or pick up where she had left of. Nilüfer and I shared a victorious smile.

The next day, I joined the rest of the girls in the main room. Most of them were solicitous and caring. Mostly likely, after the previous night's discussions, they decided it was in their best interests to, at least, be friendly toward me. I had my hands full with an antagonistic kadin, and fighting the rest of the girls was not something I wished for. The morning was uneventful, but in the afternoon, we were visited by Mahidevran Sultan. I joined the others in greeting the Bas-Kadin, and couldn't help but notice she was cheerful, and her body irradiated happiness and a hint of arrogance. She saw me in the middle of the line and stopped in front of me. My belly wasn't very pronounced, but the baby bump could be noticed under my gown.

"How are you Mihrişah Hatun?" She asked, solicitous. "Are you well?" I bent my knees in a brief curtsy and looked up, smiling.

"I'm fine, my Sultana." I replied. "The nausea is not as strong now, thank Allah." She nodded, then looked around.

"Good, I'm glad. Have you seen Sümbul Agha?" She asked. Honestly, I realised she was talking to me more for some other reason and not my health. I played along.

"No, I haven't seen him today." I saw someone else by the large entrance of the common area. "But Gül Agha is here, my Sultana." She turned, and the agha, who had just arrived, hurried to bow.

"Most brilliant of kadins. How may I serve you today?" We had to hide our mocking smiles. He was all flattery in front of Mahidevran, when in reality, he cared only for Hürrem's interests.

"I was looking for Sümbul Agha, but he's not around, it seems." Her words seemed like she was thinking out loud, then sighed. "Oh well, I need you to canvass the city, search for impoverished areas. I'll build there two fountains, and hammams, for those who are in need."

"You'll earn a lot of prayers, my Sultana." The agha bowed, all solicitous. "I'll search right away." With one last arrogant look, Mahidevran left, followed by her servants. This set off a frenzy, another in less than one day. Nilüfer hurried down the line and pinched my arm.

"She did this on purpose." I whispered in her ear and she gave me a funny look. "She could've had someone else do it for her. But she told Gül Agha on purpose." And then I added. "And right in front of me as well."

"She's driving a point to both of you." She realised, her eyes wide open and awed. I nodded. It was the way she had found to tell us she was above us.

"I'm sure it was the reason Sultan dined with her last night." I spoke, rubbing my chin in deep thought.

"Doesn't it bother you?" She asked, frowning. I expected the question, I should be, being all emotional. But, strangely…

"No." Was the honest reply. I giggled at the odd look I received. "Seriously, I'm fine. Not really upset. I'm glad for her, she does deserve something of the sort. You would too if you had to deal directly with Hürrem." We snickered. "I wish I could see her face when she finds out."

But the entire day I heard snippets of the news. Some people went out of their way to repeat it to me. At first, I smiled and agreed it was deserving. The Bas-Kadin, as mother to the heir, should be charitable, and we should follow her footsteps. After the tenth person repeating it, I found myself feeling less cheerful and resenting her god fortune. She didn't have to rub it on my face, others were certainly doing the work for her. Zala had stayed out of my way, thankfully, yet I found three of her friends repeating the story, embellished of course, to me. I ended up sending them away in tears, threatening to call for Daye Hatun to punish them for their pettiness. The last straw was Husni, who I hadn't seen all day. I had just arrived from the hammam, and she hurried in my direction, grabbing my arm with urgency, despite being surrounded by kalfas and other Cariyes, who were stunned by her disrespectful gesture. Nilüfer scowled at her rough handling.

"Mahidevran Sultan received a grant for charity work." Husni whispered in my ear, trying not to be overheard by my friend or any other onlooker. "She has asked Gül Agha to search poor locations for the construction of fountains, hammams and the like." I was annoyed at the repetition of what I had seen happen. Nilüfer growled and nearly ripped the girl off of my arm.

"That was mighty generous." Mahidevran Sultan looked cheerful, even bright and light. "She deserves something good, after dealing with the bitterness brought by the second Kadin." Then I turned to the girl, who watched me wide eyed, facing her frowning and irritated. "Are you doing this because of concern, or are you trying to be petty?" I was harsher than I had expected, yet, I wasn't sorry. To hear the same thing over and over, all day long, eroded my patience. I would've thought Efsun be the one to point it out, but she had been strangely quiet and supportive. I had never thought Husni would lower herself so low. From her expression, I could see she derived some pleasure from my discomfort.

"Well, I was wondering-" I cut her off then and there.

"Wondering if I hadn't heard it?" I seethed. "That's all people are talking about, why in the name of the Prophet wouldn't I hear it too?" Hearing that made her look contrite. But I didn't let myself be fooled. "You decided to try and rub salt on my wounds. I'm disappointed in you, dear Husni. Because you went lower than Efsun would ever go." Holding my head high, and ignoring the whispers of the audience. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Nilüfer hiss something under her breath to Husni before hurrying in my direction. Once she reached me and matched her steps with mine, I leaned in her direction. "What did you tell her?" I asked softly. She shrugged, making little of it.

"Nothing much. I told her to think whether it's worth antagonising her best chance at rising in the harem." Right to the point, and she was right. If, by Allah's grace, I sired a Şehzadeh, my friends would be rewarded as well. And those who betrayed me, would be left behind.

But only if it were a son…

Since the Sultan gave her the grant for charity work, Mahidevran Sultan began lavishing the harem with gifts. She would call for refreshments, sweetmeats and gather the girls around her to make merry. She didn't shun me, but actually, she would include me in the group hosted. There was no cattiness, no mean comments or any sort of evil snappish offenses thrown in my direction. If the Bas-Kadin treated me kindly, the girls would follow her stead. Husni sat far from us, at the back of the group, ever since the incident. Nilüfer and Efsun ignored her presence and never even spoke to her. Fatma confessed she suffered from terrible bouts of remorse, but I didn't allow pity to take over. I would forgive, but only when she asked for forgiveness. Letting anyone to walk over me, no matter who was, would eventually come back to haunt me. Mahidevran made a show of treating me above the others, but never like an equal. I showed her respect and she treated me fairly. I was no Hürrem, and I'm sure she was thankful for that. It didn't stop her from flaunting her position, I didn't grudge her that, even if it made me jealous. One day, she arrived to the main room, sat among us, and called two aghas, who carried two chests to the raised area where we sat. Gülsah opened them both, showing us the beautiful plethora of expensive fabric within. Most of the girls rose and crowded the chests, marvelling over the beauty and softness of the different types of cloth. Mahidevran then said they were gifts for us and told each girl to choose a bolt. Squeals of happiness and blessings rained all around, with the girls cheerfully haggling over the bolts. Gülsah and two kalfas remained nearby to stop them from outright fight over the bolts. There were plenty to choose. I watched them, smiling at the antics of some of the girls. I realised Nilüfer seemed reluctant to stay away and giggled.

"Go on." I urged, patting her back to get her out of her cushion. She wanted to argue, but I shook my head. "No need to worry about my feelings. They are gifts."

"They are HER gifts." She said sullenly. I shrugged.

"Gifts are gifts. And she's not outright calling for your allegiance. She's simply sharing her largesse."

"Still, I don't like it." She sounded like a child and I sighed.

"That's not very mature of you." I scolded her, which made her feel worse. "Look, if I needed, I'd choose one for myself. But I'd rather let you choose." Right on cue, Mahidevran called me. I turned to face her, Nilüfer raising an eyebrow at the sudden interjection. The Bas-Kadin smiled at the both of us.

"Mirihsah Hatun, why don't you choose one for yourself?" She asked sweetly, her eyes shining with mirth. She found it funny that I stayed sitting instead of going to the chests. No one stopped to watch our exchange and to that, I was grateful.

"I thank you, my Sultana." I shrugged. "But I'd rather let them choose. We should be charitable to those who have less than us and I have enough cloth. But I appreciate your generosity." Then I thought of something. "If you don't mind, instead of picking a bolt for myself, may I give my choice to Nilüfer?" Efsun and Fatma looked jealous, while Husni shrunk where she stood. The Bas Kadin tilted her head to the side, as if in deep thoughts.

"I don't see why not." She gestured to Gülsah, who opened a path through the mob for her. I grinned cheerfully, and pulled Nilüfer with me to the chests. I knew she was eager to see the wares, but felt conflicted. Gülsah was very considerate, pointing the best bolts and discussing with me the best colours. We looked Nilüfer from head to toe, holding bolts to her and measuring how each colour would suit her complexion and hair best. Finally, we settled for one bolt of peach coloured Italian silk and silver Spanish lace. She held them close to her bosom, not wanting to let go of her booty, which made me giggle.

"Maybe you should go to the seamstress and get the gown made, the sooner the better." I told her, shooing her in the direction of the door. She didn't think twice, shooting out of the main area with uncommon speed. I was going back to my seat, but Mahidevran stopped me.

"Sit with me, please." Her request sounded more like an order, but I did as she bade me. Gülsah stood behind the cushion I sat on, overlooking the area like a proud hawk. I felt a little intimidated, but not enough to shun the kindness of the Bas-Kadin. She held a small cup of hot coffee, freshly poured by one of the kalfas, in her hand.

"How is our Şehzadeh?" I asked respectfully, knowing the topic would cheer her up more than any other. And I was right. Her face opened, bright with happiness.

"He's fine, thanks to Allah." She gushed. "The teacher has praised his work and Ibrahim Pasha is teaching him Italian." I was surprised.

"Languages are valuable, and open many doors." For men, and anyone in general, languages were a plus. Especially if others didn't know you knew. Less likely to be wronged in deals, be them over wares or in politics. "He should learn French as well." She was taken aback by my suggestion.

"Why?" She asked, intrigued.

"It's a more fashionable language in Europe, my Sultana." I offered. "Speaking it will help him deal with ambassadors from other countries. Italian opens the Venetian, Italian and Spanish areas to him, but French will be useful in dealing with the French and English envoys." She drank my words, but didn't allow that to be shown, keeping her expression smooth and half aloof. Still, my words intrigued her.

"You understand politics." It wasn't a question, I nodded in confirmation.

"I have learnt along my brother. I would be his advisor, had I stayed with my family." I replied, trying not to let the sadness take over. One should cover sadness with smiles, whenever there is danger. "It can't be helped, I'm blessed with my life and our lord's attention." Her smile turned bitter, like she had bitten a lemon.

"Inshallah, you are always happy." Kindness disguising bitterness. Her tranquillity isn't perfect, it seems.

"And you as well, my Sultana."

Suleyman called for my company later that day. Sümbul Agha came to me when I sat with Mahidevran Sultan and he would take me to the Sultan immediately. Of course, hearing the Sultan's order for my presence pained her, and her expression showed it. Not wanting to rub it in further, I bowed respectfully and followed the agha out, trailed by Fatma.

"I haven't seen you around, Sümbul Agha." I told him, lightly. "Have you been hiding from me?" He laughed at my little joke.

"Heh? Why would I hide from your beauty, Mihrişah Hatun?" He replied in his peculiar and amusing way. "Had I known you wanted to see me, I'd rush to your side, ah!" His wide and fast gesture made us laugh.

"Well, then, don't hide from me!" I chided, grinning. He chuckled and nodded, gesturing to the Sultan's door. I knocked once and was allowed in. Stepping in his room was like the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. He rose his head, and his smile lightened the room. He didn't wait for me to reach him, he rose to meet me where I stood.

"My Mihrişah. My sun." His strong hands caressed my arms, genuinely happy to see me. "I have missed you." Food sat waiting on the usual table by the fire, merrily cracking on the iznik tiles of the hearth.

"As I have missed you, my lord." I sighed, shuffling closer to him when he sat by my side on the cushions by the table. He put his hand on my growing belly, caressing tenderly the bulge under my gown.

"How much have you missed me?" He asked, drinking from his goblet. Is he challenging me? I sat straight, ready to unleash the pain of his absence.

"This Mihrişah, I am but the sun for the Sultan.
My lord, my padishah, for whom the sun shines,

But you are the reason the birds sing.

Why have you hidden from me?

And so the sun lost its light, hiding behind the clouds.

Oh Moon, shine in my stead, for I miss my heart.

Does he think of me?

The rain washes the earth, they are the tears of my sorrow.

My Padishah, my air and water, for whom my heart beats.

Will Muhibi be silent while the sun cries?

Oh my Sultan, listen to these painful words.

Your sun cries, your absence wounded her.

Must you be away?

My soul aches from loneliness.

My Padishah, the sun is crying and there is no light.

But now I see your face, and the clouds part.

There is light once more!

Let the birds sing for us!" I finished my poem, building it along. Mesmerised, Suleyman listened attentively. He took one of my hands and kissed the knuckles.

"Ah, the sun cries for me." He sighed sadly. His other hand caressed my hair, putting tresses behind my ear. "But I am here for you. I banished the rain clouds so you can shine for me."

"Shine I shall, for now I see who makes me shine!" I told him cheerfully. "I wish I could dance for you, but alas, I am burdened by your love." I complained mischievously, causing him to laugh. When his lips were on mine, my soul was soothed. Everything was alright. Maybe he didn't love me as I did. But I would capture his heart.

His body I would share. But never his heart.