Scott sighed as he watched the IV medication drip into the IV catheter. He thought this medication was supposed to make him feel…weaker. But in fact Scott didn't feel any different. Sure he was cold, but he attributed that to the hospital room's heating or lack thereof. He told Karen to turn the heat down, he kind of liked the room to be cool. He had to deal with heat so much back on the island, he sometimes liked to enjoy the cool air provided by the air filtration systems.
Pulling his laptop out of the laptop bag on the floor by his bed, Scott fired up the computer. Might as well see what his little brothers are up to.
Tapping his fingers on his knee, Scott waited as his laptop pulled up his home screen. A photo on his home screen made the pilot smile. He stared at the image for a long moment, thinking back on the day the photo was taken.
It was a picture of Scott sleeping on the couch back in Kansas with a five year old Alan sprawled out on his midsection. The teenager had laid down on the couch when he got home from school to read a book his teacher assigned and he wound up falling asleep. Alan had entered the room and he'd apparently tried clambering up on the couch. John who was in the kitchen washing dishes stepped into the room and put Alan up on Scott's chest. The cuddly five year old snuggled close to Scott and the eldest had wrapped an arm over Alan's back whilst in slumber. It seemed to be his default older brother setting – protecting his little brothers.
Scott wondered not for the first time just why if found guilty – Robert would have set fire to the school. He couldn't hold such low regard for others' lives enough to try to kill more than hundreds of students. Thinking on it, Scott tried to figure it out. Alan hadn't had a real clue about what he'd done to Robert to make him hate him so much. He just wished he could go see Robert personally and not be called on the carpet for roughing up the little punk. He just wanted to know what fueled Robert's anger and dissension towards Alan. Somehow he didn't believe the money won from the kitty was the sole reason behind Robert's hatred towards Alan.
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Alan sighed as he played half-heartedly the video game Karen brought in for him when she noticed Alan's constant low mood. One of the only games available that he liked happened to be Kingdom Hearts. Reason? It was a game that both he and Gordon played when they should have been asleep back when Gordon was recovering from his own accident.
The blonde listened to the opening theme song and smiled. Utada Hikaru had a nice voice and it only proved to make Alan happier when he recalled hearing Tin-Tin offhandedly singing the same melody when they'd been stuck helping Virgil with inventory in the medical lab. Tin-Tin had sat up many nights with Alan and Gordon to watch the brothers' trade off on the video game controller. She loved listening to the opening theme of Kingdom Hearts and Alan often indulged her by playing the theme song before going to the saved file.
Pausing his game, Alan set his controller down before he moved his blankets around. Gazing down at his legs, Alan winced. He knew that what he was about to do could have severe consequences, but the bandages were too tight. The nurse that changed his bandages wasn't normally one of his nurses. Karen had the day off and Candy had called in because of a family emergency…Candy's replacement? She'd tied the bandages way too tight and Alan's legs were killing him.
Biting his lip, Alan reached down and tore at one of the bandages. The material tore easily and Alan was able to peel the bandages away with ease. He nearly cried in relief when he felt the throbbing – the blessed throbbing in his legs and feet. Sighing, Alan spared a glance at his legs and feet. It was the first time he was viewing his legs in his own time. He'd never longed to glimpse his injuries before and though he didn't wish to see them now – he knew sometime he'd have to look over his injuries.
Swallowing slowly, Alan peeled away one of the bandages on the top of his foot. The skin was shiny in places, most likely from the ointment that was put on his skin several times a day. But also the skin was still somewhat new. It was barely old enough to become rough with use, seeing as he wasn't able to walk let alone stand at present.
Karen had assured him that the skin he'd received in donation from his brothers had already sloughed away and left behind was rejuvenated skin that just needed to grow in place of the damaged cells. Alan understood the science talk, but wished he didn't sometimes. If one wasn't used to their body's being talked about in such different terms, like he was – he's pretty sure people would think they were dying of some incurable disease.
Alan snorted at that. He could recall Gordon freaking out when both of them were still kids. Virgil had started studying medical terminology before graduating high school. He had been dual enrolled in both high school and college. Gordon and Alan had snuck into Virgil's bedroom and hid under their brother's bed when he was studying. Their older brother had tunnel vision when he was focusing and hadn't noticed Alan and Gordon, not even when they left in a rush because Gordon thought he was going to die after misunderstanding a medical term they'd heard Virgil muttering about.
Continuing to unwind the gauze, Alan averted his eyes when the gauze that was wrapped on his upper thigh revealed discolored flesh. Taking a deep breath, Alan looked back down at his leg and shifted the damaged limb slightly. He stretched his leg out and rotated his body so his leg was extended a little bit behind him. Reaching out tentatively, Alan ran his fingers over the mottled and puckered flesh. It was ugly, simply put.
Sneering, Alan felt the hatred for Robert swell deep within. It really made him angry to see the ultimate price he'd paid for Robert and his temper. Alan began to tremble as the anger and rage welled inside, threatening to claw it's way out and cause utter destruction.
"No…" Alan whispered as he continued to tremble. His lips trembled, and his eyes welled with angry tears. "NO!"
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Gordon was reclining back in his bed thinking of how when he got out of here he planned on going for a swim…even if he had to wrap himself in saran wrap to keep the surgical spots dry. A loud crash echoed in his room and nearly caused Gordon to jolt off of his bed and onto the floor. He crawled from his bed and wandered around the room – trailing his fingers along the wall. Feeling something hit the wall on the other side, Gordon paused.
"Wait…isn't this side Alan's side?" Gordon asked the empty room.
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Dr. Warner and the nurse who'd been tasked with rewrapping Alan's wounds held up their arms as shield as objects of varying size and projectile ability flew towards them.
"Alan! Stop this ridiculousness! Calm down!" The nurse called, only to have a flying glass be aimed at her and she ducked in an effort to miss the flying object. Dr. Warner cleared his throat in attempt to get the nurse to stand down in her attempts at calming Alan. She wasn't having any effect and was only serving to upset Alan more.
When a CNA hurried to the nurse's station with reports of an out of control patient, somehow Dr. Warner knew it to be Alan. He knew the boy could be somewhat volatile. He'd seen and heard whispers in the hall how Alan suffered from PTSD in the aftermath of the fire. He just hadn't expected it to be this bad in all actuality.
Alan didn't seem to be hearing anything anyone was saying and he feared they'd need to contact the psych ward to get their padded wrist straps if Alan's tantrum escalated to greater depths. He'd called up to the burn unit to talk to Alan's nurses up there to see what they did for any PTSD related incidents that may have happened prior to Alan being moved to his ward for surgery. Alan's previous nurse Mary said she was coming down to see Alan.
A knock on the door was heard over the racket caused by Alan's tantrum and suddenly a woman that was familiar with the teenage boy and his emotional standpoint entered the room. Mary came forward and she slowly made her way around the bed. Silently sneaking up on Alan, Mary reached out and placed a calming hand on Alan's shoulder. Alan yelled, but abruptly went silent as Mary began to whisper "Ssh."
"There we go. Ssh." Mary whispered soothingly into Alan's ear as he calmed down. Alan panted through grit teeth and Dr. Warner, the replacement nurse and Mary watched as Alan's vitals went back to normal slowly. Alan weakly fought Mary's calming hand but soon stilled. "There…what had you so upset dear?"
Alan gave a pathetic mumble in explanation, and Mary leaned close to better hear the boy.
"What did you say?" Mary asked even as Dr. Warner ushered the nurse out of the room so only he and Mary remained in the room.
"I'm not good enough." Alan whispered, his head bowed – eyes hidden by his fringe of hair. "I'm not."
"Not good enough for what?" Mary inquired even as she tried to make sense of what Alan was talking about.
"Everything…I'm not good enough for my family…not anymore."
Dr. Warner and Mary watched on in silence as salt water dropped from Alan…obvious tears over his situation. Dr. Warner and Mary saw that Alan was wringing some of the used gauze in his hands. They looked at Alan's injuries, taking note that while he was disfigured, he wasn't lame or useless.
"Alan, please listen to what I am about to tell you." Mary used the tip of a finger to tilt Alan's head up so that he was looking at her through watery eyes. "You are good enough for your family. They didn't give up on you when you were unconscious after the fire, nor did they leave you as you struggled to reach a point where you were healthy enough to withstand surgery. They're still here and they won't leave you now. Don't ever underestimate your family and what they'll willingly struggle with right beside you."
"But how…I'm useless?" Alan said even as he blinked, another tear falling free.
"What gave you that idea?" Dr. Warner asked.
Alan made a vague gesture at his legs and both the doctor and nurse looked down at the limbs only to see mottled and discolored skin.
"Why did you unbind your legs Alan?" Dr. Warner asked even as he picked up some of the discarded gauze and looked at it with a grim smile. "We had them wrapped for a reason."
"She tied them too tight…it was hurting me." Alan said softly.
"I'm going to have to talk to her about that." Dr. Warner mumbled under his breath.
Alan cast mournful eyes up at his doctor and nurse.
"I just want to go home…is that too much to ask?" Alan asked even as he leaned into Mary's gentle touch, accepting the hug from the matronly nurse.
"No dear, of course you want to go home. But you need only stay until you are recovered enough to not need bandaging." Mary shushed Alan when he groaned and she gently carded her fingers through Alan's hair. "You are so strong Alan, you're not useless."
TBTBTBTBTBTBTBTBTBTB
Gordon pressed a glass against the wall, listening into the other room and heard who he assumed to be Alan talking to the doctor. He furrowed his brow as he tried to understand why his kid brother blew up so unexpectedly. When the room went quiet, Gordon set his glass off to the side and grabbed his laptop before he contacted Scott to talk to his older brother.
Scott answered after the first ring and he cocked his head to the side.
"What's up fish?" Scot inquired.
"Al had another blow up." Gordon reported calmly. The look on Scott's face might have made Gordon laugh if not for the situation what with the both of them being hospitalized right alongside their little brother.
"Do you know what happened?" Scott inquired.
"No, I just heard yelling and crashing come from the room next to mine and when I listened it sounded like Alan and I'm positive it's his room the noise came from." Gordon said.
"You listened…meaning you relied on one of your old tricks and listened through a glass to amplify the sound coming from Alan's room." Scott said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Gordon, you know you shouldn't be eavesdropping."
"Don't hate me for being curious." Gordon said as he held his hands up in surrender.
Scott rolled his eyes at that and shook his head. "Alright, I'll give it a few then I'll request to speak with Alan's doctor to find out what set him off this time."
"Thanks." Gordon replied softly as he tried to figure out what would have upset Alan to the point of throwing things.
Gordon knew Alan had a bit of a temper, but he quit throwing things around when he was eight. Now anytime he got mad he'd just plain refuse to talk to anyone, sulk alone in his bedroom and sometimes – usually only with their dad he'd argue. Try to assert his independence despite still being a kid. Gordon knew that whatever had upset Alan must have been something big for him to show a lack of curtesy to hospital property and staff and resort to throwing a tantrum.
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Mary hummed a lullaby that she hummed to her kids when they'd been growing up and were sick and in bed. Alan had settled wonderfully, taken to sinking down low in his bed and cuddling up with the teddy bear she and the other nurses had given Alan for Christmas. She gave it to him to hold prior to his falling asleep, and despite Alan saying he was too old for teddy bears, took it when Mary reminded him that it'd be there for hugs while Alan was in isolation.
Now Mary was just finishing humming before she tucked the blankets in around Alan's shoulders. Smiling down at the young boy, Mary smoothed his hair from his eyes before she got up to leave.
The doctor and Mary had worked together to rewrap Alan's wounds, less tight than the nurse prior had done. Alan had stayed quiet during the rewrapping of his bandages and asked Mary to stay for a bit to keep him company when they were done. Once Dr. Warner left, Alan began talking to Mary. He told her how scared he was of what Robert might do to him if he was set free. He asked Mary to be frank and for her to tell him exactly how bad his injuries were looking.
Mary thought in her professional opinion that Alan's legs and feet looked to be healing properly. Alan talked in length with the matronly nurse about how he feared his family would see no reason to utilize his services once he was out of the hospital – and though it was wrong, Mary chuckled lightly over Alan's thoughts.
"You're still only just a teenager Alan. Of course your family won't have any immediate need of your services, whatever those may be. Just give it time. Let your wounds heal at their own pace, don't try to force yourself to say you're okay when you're clearly recovering. That'll only hurt you in the long run and won't help anyone. Whatever it is your family does, I'm sure they can wait a few more years before you will be needed to help." Mary explained when Alan frowned heavily. "I know I shouldn't laugh, but your family will need your help once you are 100% and none too earlier if you ask me. You need only focus on healing, don't worry about the future."
It was after Alan nodded slowly in understanding that he calmed immensely. Not long after that Alan curled up under his blankets, asking Mary to run her fingers through his hair like she did back in the burn ward and falling asleep barely ten minutes later.
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Virgil stretched with a low groan as he unfolded his long legs from the backseat of the compact car. He always hated riding in the back, more so after he hit his growth spurt and his legs grew so long that he felt like he was cramming himself into the back of a clown car.
"Boy it's nice to get out of that car." John said as he himself stretched languidly as well. "Hmmmm."
'Moo'
John and Virgil looked over at the familiar moo and saw Beth lumbering over to them. She never really stayed in a pen or behind a gate, their grandma believed in letting her farm animals roam free. As long as her farm animals stayed within the perimeters of the property she was fine to let her animals wander.
"Hey Beth, how's our pretty girl doing?" John asked softly, smile playing across his features as the old heifer stopped in front of him. Beth blinked mutedly at John, flicking her tail followed by her ears as if in answer to the stargazer. John extended a hand to Beth, allowing her to take a long smell before she ducked her head beneath John's hand to initiate the head scratches. "That's a girl."
Virgil watched John petting the old heifer before he walked over to join in the scratch-fest. Beth closed her eyes in contentment as John continued scratching up by her ears while Virgil began scratching beneath her chin.
"It's good to see Beth again." Virgil said with a smile as the cow moved more into his and John's touch to increase the scratching pressure.
"Beth, what are you doing you old girl?"
Beth opened her eyes and gave a delighted moo as she went to greet Ruth. John and Virgil let their fingers trail over Beth's back and fall off once the cow walked out of arms reach.
"I can't believe Beth remembers us." Virgil said softly.
"It hasn't been that long since we last saw her…well since I last saw her anyway." John said as he smiled at seeing his grandmother greeting the old heifer. The matriarch of the household was hugging the heifer and laughing like a little girl when Beth nuzzled beneath her arm.
Jeff exited the driver's seat and stood by his mother as she greeted Beth. The patriarch chuckled as Beth mooed at him before continuing to nuzzle her best friend.
"Hello Beth, you been keeping an eye on the property while mom has been away?" Jeff asked as he scratched Beth behind her ear.
"Come on, let's get in the house. I don't know about you but I'm pooped after the flight and drive from the airport." Ruth said as she patted Beth's haunch. Beth seemed to get the message that her friend was tired and the heifer lumbered away to go mingle with the other cows in the pasture.
Jeff grabbed his mother's bag and his own before he started the walk up to the front porch. John and Virgil grabbed their bags from the back seat before they followed. Virgil looked around taking in how the property didn't appear to have changed much at all if any. It was still the same place he learned to ride his bike, Scott riding ahead of him to show him how it was done. Their mother was pushing the bike until she tired, then she let go and Virgil continued riding despite not having that extra assistance when it came to balance.
So many memories filled the Tracy homestead, good and bad. It was the last place their mother visited before she was killed in the avalanche that almost killed Alan, it was where Scott was brought home by police at fourteen after a keg party was crashed in the outlying fields of somebody's ranch. Virgil smirked at that memory. It was the first time Scott got grounded instead of just "grounded". It was the place John had to rescue Alan from an angry bull after Gordon taunted it a little too much, it was where Gordon had his first kiss (from the little girl that lived down the road) when he was nine. It was where John first discovered a love for meteor showers and the constellations.
So many good and bad memories.
Virgil looked around at the interior of the home. It hadn't changed much either. Even after the boy's grandfather died, Ruth hadn't had the heart to change the design. Their grandfather built the house with his own two hands and he'd put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into building the perfect house. The original that their grandfather had been raised in was torn apart by a tornado and that was when Ruth was pregnant with their dad. Grant had built the house on his own, refusing the help of others, despite having his leg in a cast and his neck in a brace after using his body as a shield to protect Ruth and their unborn child from flying debris.
Virgil sighed as he entered the room he'd be sharing with John. This was probably the only room that had changed as he and his brothers grew. It used to be a room the five of the brothers shared. Their grandfather had handcrafted the bunk beds to accommodate the five boys. Having built a pull out bed under one of the bunks to place a third mattress so that there were five individual beds for each individual boy.
That however changed as the brothers grew. The bunk beds were made to be easily dismantled to make separate bed frames. As the boys grew, the bunk beds were broken up into sections and placed in two different rooms. When the five of the brothers were visiting with their dad; Scott and John got their own beds in one room while Virgil, Gordon and Alan shared a room. Alan preferred the pull out bed beneath Gordon's bed while Virgil had his own frame and mattress to call his own.
This time however, John and Virgil would be sharing the room that Scott and John usually shared. John sighed as he sat on the bed while Virgil set his bag down and moved over to the window. Folding his arms over his chest Virgil looked out the window while he thought.
"You're thinking too loud." John said softly.
"Huh?" Virgil asked as he looked over his shoulder at his brother.
"You're thinking too loud. What's on your mind bro?" John inquired as he quickly changed his shirt after taking a sniff of the collar and grimacing.
"Just thinking how this place doesn't seem to have changed much since I was here last." Virgil said as he turned his attention back out the window.
"What else is on your mind?" John asked, knowing Virgil better than that. He wasn't a mind reader by any means but he knew Virgil's tics and right now he was pondering too hard.
"Thinking about Alan. Thinking about the upcoming surgery." Virgil admitted. "I'm hoping this next one goes off without a hitch like it did with my donation and yours."
"It will." John said with a shaky grin as if he didn't even believe his own words. "You worry too much."
"Maybe but I just have a bad feeling about this. I just want Alan to come out of this as unscathed as possible." Virgil said as he arched his back and sighing when he felt places in his back pop. "I mean I don't want Alan to have any setbacks. He's so fragile right now, and I don't just mean physically but mentally and emotionally too."
"I get you. You're worried but you have every right to be. That's your baby brother, mine too. It's our jobs to worry about our younger siblings." John said. He stepped up beside Virgil and gave his neck a comforting squeeze. "We'll be right there with Alan as he recovers from the trauma like we've been since it happened."
"I know." Virgil said softly. Working his jaw a little Virgil turned away from John. "I'm gonna go take a walk. Be by myself for a bit."
John nodded understandingly. Virgil needed time to come to terms with what they'd talked about and he also needed time by himself so if he felt like he could have a release of emotion he could do so privately.
"Come back up to the house when you're ready. I'm going down to see if there is anything I can do to help Grandma with dinner." John said before clapping a hand on Virgil's shoulder before turning away.
TBTBTBTBTBTBTBTBTBTB
Burying his hands in his pockets, Virgil walked down the steps off the porch. He walked through the yard, kicking at gravel as he kept his gaze directed toward the ground. Heaving a great sigh, Virgil continued down the gravel path. He left Tracy homestead property and walked down the road until he reached pavement. Looking around, Virgil realized he was going into town. It was maybe a mile's walk and he was already halfway there.
When he did finally make it into town, Virgil's first and only stop was the florists. He went in and perused around until settling on a bouquet of purple, lavender and yellow tiger lilies. He paid for his pick and left the florists shop and made his way back out towards the Tracy homestead. He wanted to talk to his mom and he felt closer to her when he was at her cemetery plot on the property.
When he made it back on the homestead property, Virgil walked around the edge of the fence until he made it to the sprawling hills. There he found a fenced off portion of the property. Opening the gate, Virgil closed it with a long loud creak of the hinges.
He halted for a moment before he walked over to his mother's tombstone. Dropping to his knees, Virgil laid the bouquet and arranged them around the shelter built over the tombstone. He smiled softly as he looked at the picture that had been inlaid. His mom was smiling back at him and that made Virgil feel peaceful.
"Hi mom…" Virgil began quietly. "I'm sorry it's been so long since I visited. There's been so much going on I haven't had the time."
Looking at the tombstone, Virgil shifted until he was sitting with his knees bent.
"But I guess you already knew that." Virgil said. "Alan's getting ready for his next surgery and I…I don't know. I just can't shake the bad feeling I keep having about it. I was hoping maybe you could…I don't know, send some good vibes Alan's way so I won't worry so much."
Silence was the only response he got from the tombstone. Silence and a soft breeze fluffing his slightly shorn hair and kissing his cheek.
"I wish you were here. Maybe if you'd been okay you might have been able to prevent Alan from going to that damn school and getting hurt. He's just a kid who needs a mother's guidance same as he needs dad's." Virgil said before he shook his head. "I'm sorry for cussing, I know you taught me better than that but I'm just so angry."
Virgil focused on the smiling image of his mother. "You know me better than that though. You know I'm scared as much as I am angry."
Shuffling his legs further, Virgil wrapped his arms around his knees.
"You didn't see the terror on Alan's face when he emerged from the fire only…what…four months ago? I was the one who carried him away from the fire, I didn't even recognize him. His face was covered from ash and…I caused him so much pain when I set his arm in the med bay." Virgil said as he told his mom everything that was on his mind. "I know I did the right thing, but that doesn't mean I need to like it. You'd tell me not to worry about it like John was doing earlier, but I can't."
As if he was hearing his mom's voice telling him can't wasn't in his vocabulary when he'd been a little boy, Virgil chuckled and sent a watery grin at his mom's image.
"I know, can't never was a thing I said when I was little. It was always I could or I will, but never I can't. But I don't know how much longer I can keep up the facade that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I nearly lost my baby brother that night because of that little shit."
An image of his mom giving him a hug as an adult and pressing a comforting kiss into his temple flitted briefly through his mind and Virgil sniffed as his nose began to run.
"Thanks mom. I know I'm disappointing you with my cussing but I need to lose this anger somehow. Cussing is the only way I can think of to vent." Virgil used his thumb to wipe away one of the fallen tears that errantly made its way down his cheek. "Alan went and testified against Robert, the guy who is suspected of having started the fire. They still haven't told us of a motive yet."
The video recreation showed Alan and Fermat escaping the fire, but it gave no indication of motive and that was the one thing that was driving Virgil batty. He wanted so badly to find out just why Robert did what he did. If the guy had just told them from the beginning, they might have let him off – but Virgil doubted it. The psychotic pyromaniac destroyed private property and damn near killed many others.
A/N: Hey there, so I finally made it through the semester. Hadn't felt much for writing but maybe a sentence or two at most. Sorry for the lack of update. I feel like a terrible person for leaving ya'll hanging for so long. Hope you'll be happy to see this chapter and the second one I've posted. I'm planning to post another chapter to Never Look Back - Belonging maybe tomorrow. Only needs about a thousand words to be considered a finished chapter (sorry, I like them being around 5000+). I've also been working on a few other stories...I know why would I create new stories when i already have so many others I need to finish first...don't ask - one of them is what I consider a sci-fi that I've been working on for a little over two years (that's just the intro) still fleshing that story out though.
Hope to see some review(s)! They make my day and they'd totally make me being sick in bed on cold and flu medicine worth it. I should have been sleeping but I actually felt like writing more (go figure).