September came to an end as October rolled in, bringing a slight autumn chill with it. The days following their double date had been spent in a sort of euphoric state of bliss, partly because there had been a hell of a lot of making out. No dates or sleepovers, just lots of kissing and a whole lot of not being able to know whether it was a want or need kind of thing.
Bickslow wasn't complaining about it and neither was Lucy, but the difference was that each time after that night where the line had come running up, they were able to stop before it got even remotely close to being crossed. They'd come to a silent understand that it shouldn't and wouldn't be crossed. Not yet, anyway.
Although Lucy was incredibly close to completely wanting to, there was still a small part of her that was telling her to wait because she really wanted to make sure that they were both serious about what they were doing, and they had still yet to have that conversation and she really didn't want to. They were happy just dating. The need to have that conversation wasn't that great either because they'd both admitted to them themselves that they were taking it seriously enough to avoid talking about it.
But Bickslow also knew that each time they'd been together since then, that line was getting pushed further and further back. He realised he'd been slowly testing her limits, seeing what he could get away with before she made them stop, and so far, that had only happened once, but she'd ended up with a hickey just below where her more conservative shirts usually covered her breasts so it was more of a win for him than her.
There was also the problem of them being less careful than they needed to be. After finding Bickslow in the library alone once again, Lucy had pushed him to the back corner in the section that no one ever visited, and it hadn't taken very long for her to be pushed up against one of the shelves with his mouth on her throat.
But it also hadn't taken very long for them to get caught. It had been by Freed, so it honestly could have been worse. Bickslow was able to laugh it off because of his friend's flustered expression, but Lucy made it clear there was to be no more of that happening in the guild, and Bickslow could only agree, since after all, had it been anyone else, Erza would surely find out.
And then Natsu had made a surprise visit (surprise to Bickslow, not so much to Lucy as it turns out) to Lucy's apartment one night after he'd run into her (somewhat on purpose, he'd have to admit) on his way home from the guild, much like she had been. So imagine Bickslow's surprise when he pulled his lips away from the blonde's while leaning on her bed (honestly, he didn't know how they'd got there, but it had happened) and looked up to see a Dragon Slayer sitting in the window. And then there'd been Happy to deal with who'd been flying just behind Natsu, his little blue paw over his mouth as he held back his mischievous laugh. Bickslow had finally understood why Lucy called him the devil cat occasionally.
So as Natsu and Happy had finally climbed through the window to join the pair on the bed, Natsu glaring at Bickslow and Happy flying around singing 'she likes him!' over and over again, Bickslow went out the window, jumping down onto his babies that had lined up just below it in the chaos that followed from being, well… caught. He'd made it out just in time to avoid being set on fire and had just been able to make out Lucy yelling about how apparently no one was able to use a door. And her apartment at that point had honestly been chaotic. Happy was mad at Natsu for lying about Bickslow and Lucy, Natsu had been mad at Bickslow, and Lucy had been mad at everyone.
Natsu and Happy had quickly gotten over it when Lucy had offered the damn cat a fish just to get him to keep his mouth shut about it, and he 'd obliged. Anything for fish.
But then as the guild started preparing for Fantasia, almost everyone getting involved in some way since it was the first time the guild was taking part in the festival since the core members had gone missing on Tenrou Island, Bickslow became very distant very quickly.
So himself, Laxus, and Freed had decided to leave for the week leading up to the dreaded day of horrible memories without a single word to Lucy, and he'd felt bad for leaving like that despite it being his idea to leave, but he also hadn't been able to talk to her.
Evergreen hadn't seemed to mind the boys all leaving. In fact, she'd seemed quite happy they'd left, leaving her to work on her own part of the parade in peace.
Lucy had sat in the guild all week, watching everyone work and make themselves busy around her. With so many new members from them winning the Grand Magic Games, there were almost too many people and not enough tasks. So she'd decided wouldn't be taking part in that year's parade, and she was fine with that. She'd be able to just enjoy the festivities for the first time, and hopefully, she'd be able to do so with Bickslow – assuming he was back by the day the festival came around.
And so, on the day of the dreaded festival (in Bickslow's opinion), Lucy walked into the guild in high spirits, enjoying the buzz from all of the energy surrounding her. In the morning, she helped add the finishing touches to some of the floats as she waited for the Miss Fairy Tail Contest to begin. She wasn't taking part in that year's contest, purely because there was so point. Between Erza and Mira both entering again, there was no way she'd have even a chance of winning anyway.
But she was fine with that. She was fine with just enjoying her day and waiting for Bickslow to get his lazy ass out of bed and come to the guild. She knew they'd all returned since she'd spotted Freed helping Evergreen, but she didn't know the guy had no intentions of leaving his apartment that day, let alone his bed since he'd left before she could even fully realise that he'd been distant. To her, everything was fine.
So Lucy waited, then waited some more. The Miss Fairy Tail Contest had come to an end, and even though the results wouldn't be released for at least another week, everyone in the audience knew that Erza had won. She wore a cat costume for crying out loud.
Bickslow never came into the guild, and when Lucy had gotten bored of waiting around for him to maybe or maybe not show, she gave up and headed towards his apartment. She hadn't seen him for a week and she missed him, she'd be lying if she said she hadn't.
Being that it was early afternoon, the festival was in full swing. Thousands upon thousands of people had flocked to Magnolia and each person was enjoying what the town had to offer in terms of entertainment. Between the children laughing and pointing at the large balloons atop the buildings or the ribbons that were tied to the trees, Lucy couldn't help but smile. This was why she loved Magnolia and why she loved her guild. There was always something to smile and laugh about and she really couldn't help but think of Bickslow (it didn't help that she was already thinking of him, given that she was on her way to his apartment). He was always smiling and laughing about something.
When Bickslow could hear the faint knock on his front door, he ignored it, pressing his face into the pillow even more. Whoever it was, he hoped if he ignored it long enough, they'd leave him alone. He wasn't in the mood for people, especially not on that day.
"Bicks?"
He groaned into the pillow when he heard her voice. Of all people, she was the one he couldn't deal with. The last week had been hard on him – harder than he ever could have imagined. Between self-loathing and missing her, he felt terrible. Terrible wasn't even the right word, because he didn't know what to call it.
Bickslow had let himself forget something crucial – the fact that he'd hurt her, one too many times. He'd been too happy with her to remember the fact that on that very day, technically eight years earlier, he'd done some things he really wasn't proud of.
He didn't deserve her, that much he knew. But at the same time, he was too selfish to leave her, let her be with someone who actually deserved her and wasn't, well… him. He cared about her too much to do that, and even though he knew she'd forgiven him for everything, he couldn't forgive himself.
"It's like two o'clock, what are you still doing in bed?" she laughed, kneeling on the side of the bed.
He didn't care that it was two o'clock in the afternoon, not one bit.
"Come on, get up," Lucy said, lightly shoving his back as he faced away from her. "Come and enjoy the festival with me."
"No," he mumbled into the pillow. He couldn't see how the smile had instantly left her face and she stared at his back in confusion.
"Don't you like the festival?" she asked quietly, leaning down to rest her head in the crook of his neck. From that angle, she could see his face and how his eyes remained closed. Her hand came to rest on his arm and she could feel just how tense he was. She didn't understand it but she felt like there was something going on that he wasn't telling her about.
But he opened his eyes, looking back at her through the corner of his vision. "Please don't," he said in a low whisper. He hated that she was so close and yet couldn't reach out and touch her, because more than anything, that's all he wanted to do. Just to be able to kiss her and forget what he'd done once upon a time.
Because that's what happened when he was around her. Everything that hurt, usually got better. Because of her. She was his source of happiness and she didn't even know it.
But not that time. She wasn't making him happy, she was making him feel worse, and that was something he couldn't let her know. Despite knowing he was being a selfish bastard by not wanting to leave her – not wanting her to leave him – he couldn't bear to see or think about how much she'd be hurt, just from knowing that he was making him feel worse. He had to keep that from her, but he also had to get her to leave and that was one of the things that hurt the most.
Lucy sat up abruptly having seen how dark his eyes had gotten. She'd noticed before that the red always got darker when he wasn't in the best of moods but that then had almost scared her. Lucy was perceptive, and even though Bickslow was always hiding what he really felt, she swore she saw a flicker of pain in his eyes.
She wasn't even going to bother asking him what was wrong because she knew he'd say nothing, he always did. But that didn't stop her from wondering just what it was that had made Bickslow like that – for him to obviously not want her there. And that hurt, because what if, what if she was the reason he was hurt? She could only hope that that wasn't the case.
So instead, she'd give Bickslow his space since she knew he needed it. So she wouldn't be able to enjoy the festival with him - it wasn't the end of the world and she could always enjoy it by herself or with her team before they left to be in the parade. Lucy had only thought that it would be a good way for them to spend some time together. The streets were crowded enough that day for them to avoid drawing enough attention to themselves with all of the focus being drawn to the festivities themselves.
"Well," she said quietly, sitting back on her heels on the bed. "I feel like you don't want me here right now, but maybe you'll come out for the parade?" she whispered. She could only hope his mood would improve by the evening.
No chance. "Maybe," he lied, mumbling into the pillow again.
A weak smile spread across her face before leaning back down, pressing a kiss to his cheek softly. "I'll be back later either way."
"…Fine." But he wasn't going to be there, especially not if she was coming back. He'd be out, somewhere, probably trying to convince himself to do the somewhat selfless thing and let her be with an actually decent guy, even though that was the absolute last thing he wanted. He still wanted to be that decent guy that deserved her, but the truth was that he'd never come close to that.
But for the moment, he could only be glad she was leaving him alone. He still had a few hours to sulk in his bed before he'd have to avoid her and remain oblivious to the fact he'd hurt her just by his words in the space of a few minutes.
No matter how much Lucy tried, she couldn't bring herself to enjoy walking around Magnolia in her attempt to enjoy her afternoon, so it didn't take very long for her end up back in the guild, sitting at the empty bar as her finger ran around the rim of her glass.
She really couldn't help but feel like she was the reason as to why Bickslow was acting the way he was. Maybe, just maybe, it meant he didn't want to see her anymore, and god, did she hope that that wasn't the case, because she didn't want to stop seeing him.
She didn't even want to think about the possibility of them breaking up, because honestly, it would probably break her heart. She knew that if that did end up happening then it would be her own fault for letting herself get so attached in just a month and a half, but she couldn't stop herself from doing so.
Occasional glances were sent towards the bar from those who were running around the guild, making sure everything was in order for Fantasia. People were wise to avoid the bar and Lucy was honestly grateful. She wanted to be alone, but she didn't want to go home.
But Laxus had never been wise. He'd watched the blonde from where he stood on the second floor. He may be silent, but he wasn't stupid. He watched his guild, he knew what went on. He also knew that his dumbass of a best friend was the reason the Celestial Spirit mage was sulking at the bar, considering he'd just put up with him sulking for the last week. "They're fuckin' perfect for each other," he said bitterly under his breath before turning for the stairs.
Lucy glanced up slightly when she felt a presence next to her, not in the least expecting to see Laxus of all people leaning with his elbow on the bar whilst looking back over the guild.
"What's wrong with you?" he mumbled, glancing down at Lucy.
Lucy shrugged. "Nothing. Why do you care anyway?" Because it was unlike Laxus to care about how she was feeling.
"I don't, but you're kind of making it impossible for anyone to come to the bar…"
"Oh…"
Laxus looked over the guild once more before glancing down to Lucy again and lowered his voice, "I'm going to assume that you just went to see Bicks." He took her shrug and muttering something incoherent under her breath as a yes. "Listen, I know it seems like he doesn't like you right now, but that's not the case," he said softly.
"Sure seems like it," Lucy mumbled.
"He hates himself, not you."
She looked up from the glass for a second. "But even if that's true, I don't see why. He won't even talk to me…"
"You're a smart girl, you'll figure it out on your own." Laxus paused, ignoring the fact he'd just complimented the blonde before leaning down closer to her ear. "But seriously, I'll kill you if you tell anyone about this conversation," he mumbled. Because really, if people were to find out he cared about his guild mates then he'd be screwed. He had a reputation to uphold.
And she smiled weakly at it before whispering, "Thanks, Laxus." She still didn't understand how she was supposed to figure out why Bickslow apparently hated himself, especially when he didn't even want to talk to her.
She just had to hope he'd be fine by the evening. Fine enough, anyway.
But he wasn't. He hadn't even been in his apartment when she'd gone back that evening and Lucy didn't know where he'd gone. He just wasn't there.
So as she walked around the now empty streets of Magnolia aimlessly, staring down at the ground, all she could think about was how Laxus had been wrong. To her, it really did seem like Bickslow didn't like her anymore. Hell, it meant she had been wrong, because up until the day he'd left a week earlier, she'd thought they were fine.
But maybe, just maybe, she'd been missing something. Maybe she got too attached to see the signs. Who knows? All she knew was that she'd been wiping the tears from her face for the last half an hour.
She just kept walking, not heading anywhere specific. She could hear the crowds that had amassed around the central path, all waiting for the return of the Fantasia parade. She should have been one of the people down there, waiting for her friends and her guild mates, but she couldn't.
She just kept walking until she couldn't hear the crowds and the tears had stopped.
She just kept walking until the five, small totems that were distinct to only one person floated down in front of her, joining together and lining up just above the ground. Lucy looked around at the buildings, a small glimmer of hope just from knowing Bickslow was somewhere nearby; his babies never strayed too far from him.
She looked over every building and shop sign in her vision, only stopping when she saw the familiar architecture of the town's most preferred toy shop. She could see the shape of Bickslow sitting by the flag pole at the very top, his back to her and looking over the town.
Lucy looked down at the five dolls again. They seemed to be waiting for her to get on, but she'd never done so on her own. The few times Bickslow had held her were fine, but on her own, it was something else.
But as she glanced up towards the building again, she felt like she was beginning to understand everything, just a tiny bit. But she didn't just want to understand a tiny bit. She wanted to understand it all. And hell, if it really was going to be the end of whatever it was they were doing, then she wanted to know why. So with caution, she stepped up onto the totems, shaking slightly as the two on either end separated, coming to rest under her palms as they lifted her slowly into the air.
Bickslow didn't know how or why he'd come to be sitting atop the hobby shop, looking out over the town with his legs dangling over the edge, but it seemed kind of ironic that the place he'd ended up going to to avoid Lucy was the one place everything had started.
He'd watched the sun set from where he sat, and how each district in Magnolia lit up in a clockwise rotation. He could see how the central path was lit up like a Christmas tree, and when he looked up, he could see the stars that lit up the sky.
More than anything, he wanted to know what to do. He'd hoped that getting out of his house for a while would help him figure it out, but like he had been all week, he was having a hard time with it. But the worst part was that he knew the right thing to do was to let her be with someone who deserved her, because that wasn't him. He just didn't want to let her go, and he knew he was being selfish - he was a selfish person by nature.
But even though it hurt him to admit it, he was slowly beginning to accept that he had to the right thing. For her. Because for her, he'd really be willing to do anything, and if that meant letting her go to be with someone she could actually love one day, because he knew that was never going to be him, – then he'd do it, no matter how much it hurt him.
But Bickslow still didn't want to talk to her. Not yet, at least.
No, just for one more night, he wanted to prolong what he was calling the inevitable and think about the last month and a half.
The last month and a half where he'd honestly been happier than he ever thought he could have been. And sure, there'd been a few times where it had been a little rough, namely regarding his magic, but he'd gotten past it. Lucy had helped him get past it.
In the last month in a half, Bickslow had changed more than he thought was humanly possible, but he liked to think it was for the better. And it was because of her.
In the last month in a half, Bickslow had realised just how happy she made him, and honestly, just thinking about that fact made him just a little bit happy, even though in that moment, he was more miserable than he thought he could ever be. Every time he looked at her when she wasn't looking, he couldn't help but grin. At her, with her, whatever. Just her was enough to make him smile by that point. And her laugh. Goddid Bickslow love her laugh. Whether she was laughing at him or with him or something else, it didn't matter.
But every time he looked at her when she wasn't looking, or even when she was looking, really, he could feel his heart start beating just a tiny bit faster. More than anything, he still wanted to fall in love with her.
But it wasn't a matter of waiting for it to happen anymore. It wasn't going to happen one day. Any day. Ever.
One day was never going to come, because he had to let her go. He didn't deserve her.
And boy, if he didn't already hate himself for the things he'd done in the past, he hated himself even more for being so stupid. He'd been stupid to believe that one day he'd get to the point where she was actually his, or that she actually loved him. It was stupid.
Bickslow didn't date.
The entire thing had really just been a disaster waiting to happen.
That's what he had to tell himself, at least, because there was still a part of him that was telling him to just say, 'Fuck it.' But he couldn't. That just wouldn't be fair.
Bickslow had been so preoccupied with his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed his babies go missing for a while. They did that occasionally anyway, usually when he was lost in his thoughts, as he'd learned. There wasn't anything he could do about it. Usually they just went and picked on some kid or something. He shrugged it off though, just because he honestly didn't care.
So he leant back, his back resting against the cold stone so he could stare up at the stars that got brighter the later it got. One day, he was going to learn how to point out the constellations.
One day.
And so he stared up at the sky for god knows how long. He didn't think it was very long, but after a while, he saw something moving in the corner of the vision and he lifted his head to see the one person he didn't want to see sit down on the edge, her legs dangling over next to his.
Fuck.