They say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. That's exactly what happened to Bickslow. Or at least that was what he thought it was.
After the unbearable pain with the empty darkness, he saw his life. Every moment and every detail. Everything.
He saw himself running around a field with his parents and his sisters, laughing and screaming with joy. He could see himself annoying the living hell out of his sisters as he got older; they'd always been the target of his pranks. He saw himself sitting in front of the fire as his mother read her favourite book, time after time, and he saw himself on the floor in front of her reading his newest book on Seith magic.
He saw the way he shut himself off from the world and retreated into his self after his parents' death, and how he had left what was left of his family just because he hadn't been able to be there anymore. He'd taken his babies and walked away from it all.
He saw the day he joined Fairy Tail; Laxus telling him to get the guild mark on his tongue because he'd been getting fed up with his indecisiveness. He saw the day he finally got rid of his messy blue hair with the long fringe that constantly got in his eyes and how Evergreen and Freed had given him the most disgusted look when he'd walked out, sporting the mohawk he hadn't changed since. Laxus had been the only one who had liked it, but over time, Evergreen and Freed had come to like it.
He saw the day Laxus got him drunk and took him to a strip club, and he'd decided that a boring life where he settled down with one person just wasn't for him. The future Elfman would have been proud. And he saw when he'd officially bought his apartment from his landlady because of noise complaints. If he'd owned it, they couldn't kick him out.
He saw himself sitting with his team on the anniversary of his parents' death the year after he'd joined the guild, and how they'd all been there for him. They'd become his family, and he hadn't needed anyone else. That's just what it meant to be in a team; for all of them it was the same.
Every insignificant and significant moment and event from his life – he saw it all. Every job, every time Laxus electrocuted him, Evergreen hit him with her fan or turned him to stone, every time Freed trapped him in runes, and every time he made one of them walk into a wall or do something stupid.
He saw the day he met Lucy – the day he met the woman who was quite possibly the love of his life and would make him happier than he'd ever been. He saw the time he'd given her hell about Loke being in love with her – every time, actually.
He saw Tenrou Island, the time he got crushed by a herd of cows, and when they won the Grand Magic Games.
But… None of those were what Bickslow wanted to see. Because if he was going to see every moment of his life again and almost relive it, then he wanted to just get to the best parts, the ones from the last five months. And if Bickslow could have smiled, he would have.
He saw the time Lucy had fallen asleep on his shoulder on the train, and then how they'd gotten covered in mud and soaking wet. He saw when they woke up curled up together, and honestly, to that day, it was still Bickslow's favourite way he'd ever woken up.
He saw the first time he'd kissed her, and when he finally gathered the courage to ask her out on a date.
And suddenly, he felt like it had all been put on fast forward. He wasn't watching every single moment he'd spent with Lucy, even though that's all he wanted to see. Those were the memories he would always cherish, because he was happy. She made him happy and up until that point, they'd been the best moments of his entire life. But he wasn't watching them again. He was watching her scream in pain, and then he saw her tears when she was hovering over him, telling him that he wasn't allowed to leave her because she wanted him to be in her future – their future.
And then… everything was black. He was staring at the darkness that surrounded him. There was nothing there – no pain, no hope, nothing. It was just empty.
That's just all there was to his life. He'd seen and relived every single moment and now there was no more. Bickslow could feel himself slipping into the darkness, slowly. It was like he was falling, like he felt sometimes when he was drifting off to sleep. In a way, it had always comforted him, and it was weird. He could never explain it.
Maybe dying was exactly like that falling feeling when he was falling asleep? Maybe once you've reached the end of it all, you just… fall. Until you fall asleep? No… Until you're dead? Bickslow didn't know.
But he was going to embrace it. After all, it had always comforted him, so why wouldn't it then? The last months of his life had undoubtedly been the absolute best. He wouldn't even try to argue that, just because he had no reason to. He had no reason to try and tell himself that Lucy hadn't made his life better, because without a doubt, she had.
But then… Bickslow wasn't falling anymore, and he was confused. He didn't understand, because he'd seen everything in his life, so what was he looking at? That was supposed to be the end.
He looked around. He was in a park, the one in the centre of Magnolia. But… it was different. Something was different but he couldn't tell what. And then he heard her unmistakable laugh and he turned. What the fuck? He wasn't reliving everything like he had been, he was like a bystander, almost.
He was watching himself chase Lucy around the park, each with wide grins on their faces as they laughed, before he caught her from behind, his arms wrapping around her waist before falling down to the soft grass. He turned at the sound of more laughter and saw two children running up, one boy and one girl, both with blue hair. He watched them pile on top of the grinning and laughing Bickslow and Lucy on the grass, and he could only watch what he realised was a happy family in silence. It was supposed to be his family.
Bickslow stepped forward slowly, feeling like he needed to see their faces. If they were supposed to be his kids, he wanted to see who they looked like more – probably Lucy, he figured. But as soon as he took that first step, everything started to rewind. But he wasn't moving – everything around him was. Everything he'd just seen was playing backwards, changing around him as he stood perfectly still, watching every moment fly by.
He was standing in the infirmary, all of his friends and family – hell, half the guild – around them. He watched himself sit down on the edge of the bed Lucy was sitting up in, holding their newborn baby in his arms as they both smiled down at them. Bickslow could see so much love and happiness in each of their faces, in his face, and he could feel his chest start to hurt.
He wasn't going to get to experience any of that. He wasn't going to get to live that life with Lucy, and it was the first time he realised that that was exactly the life he wanted. With her.
And then everything was changing again – rewinding. He'd catch quick glimpses of things as everything around him changed. He'd seen Lucy sitting on his back for a second before he'd rolled and tackled her to the bed, and he'd seen them arguing over what colour to paint the nursery.
But they were just quick glimpses, snippets of the life he wasn't going to get to live.
He was back in the forest in Cartervale – the same town where everything had started. Except they weren't covered in mud and soaking wet. The blue sky could be seen between the dense foliage above them, but just barely.
He was proposing, and when Lucy squealed before wrapping her arms around his neck, shouting yes over and over, Bickslow couldn't help but smile. Even though he wasn't going to experience her joy first hand, it was nice to see it. Because if he'd actually been able to live that life, she'd agree to marry him. She'd agree to spending the rest of her life with him, over anyone else.
When it started changing again, he didn't know what to expect, not until it stopped. He didn't know what else there was to see because he felt like he'd seen all of the things that were going to be the hardest to accept he was never going to experience.
But when it finally stopped, he realised that none of those mattered as much as what he was looking at. It was silly, really. They were curled up on his bed under the sheets, her in the grey and pink shirt she'd basically stolen, and him sprawled on his stomach like he usually was.
It was the simple things that were the most difficult to accept sometimes, and for the first time, Bickslow could understand that. It wasn't the fact he was never going to get to propose, to marry her, to have kids with her, to have a life with her; it was just that he wouldn't get to be with her. He wouldn't be able to wake up to her cold feet pressed against his back and he wasn't going to be able to wake up with her again at all.
Nothing like that was going to happen again, because he'd reached his end.
When he turned and saw the closed door behind him, he knew that that was the end somehow. He'd been through every single moment of his life and then the future that he was missing out on.
Even though Bickslow had always been a stubborn person, he knew he couldn't stand there forever. Because the longer he stayed and thought about the things he was never going to experience, the less likely he'd be accepting it. He needed things to be over before it started hurting too much.
So with a weak smile at himself and Lucy fast asleep, he turned and reached out for the door. His fingers wrapped around the handle, twisting it slowly, and with a final glance towards the bed, he pulled the door open and walked back into the darkness.
It was the end for him.
Well, that's just what he assumed, anyway.
For an entire week, Lucy stayed by Bickslow's side for almost the entire time, only going home when she got kicked out of the infirmary and told to go and get some rest. For a week, she waited for him to wake up, and it was the longest week of her life. After Laxus and Gajeel had lifted him from the steel that had pierced him through and through, he'd passed out from the pain, and after that, Porlyusica had given him something to keep him from waking if he was awake or at least semi-conscious, he was going to be in unbearable pain and no one wanted that for Bickslow, nor did they want Lucy to witness it.
So for a week he just laid there, the slight rise and fall of his chest the only thing that proved he was still alive, and each day proved harder than the last because he was supposed to be awake. It wasn't supposed to have been for a week, yet for whatever reason, it had been.
When they'd all returned to the guild in the middle of the night, Porlyusica had already there and so had Makarov. Lucy had been kicked out of the room and her team had dragged her home and told her not to go back to the guild until the morning because she'd needed her rest. As much as she'd hated them in that moment, she'd known they were right. She'd needed to eat, have a shower, and sleep.
But she hadn't been able to sleep. No matter how much she'd tried, she just hadn't been able to drift off to sleep.
So what was she to do? She couldn't go back to the guild and be by Bickslow's side and she couldn't sleep in her own bed. So she'd gone to Bickslow's apartment. Lucy spent more than half of her time there anyway, but it had still felt weird being there when he wasn't there.
When she eventually curled up in his bed, her grey and pink shirt on, she could only stare at the empty space that Bickslow should have been. Without thinking, she'd grabbed one of the pillows he usually used and pulled it close, her arms wrapping around it as she buried her face in it. Lucy had always loved the way Bickslow smelled, since the first time he'd let her wear his cloak. It had changed over time, but she still loved it. It was warm, spicy, and a little sweet – it was everything Bickslow was, really. He'd always had that sweet, caring, loving side to him and that's one of the things Lucy loved about him most. Under all of his jokes and somewhat-brash personality, he was an incredibly kind person.
But she'd barely been able to get any sleep at Bickslow's either. An hour or two at most, but at least it was something.
When morning came around and she headed for the guild as soon as she could, she realised that Bickslow's babies had been following her the entire time. They'd been hovering behind her ever since they'd led her to Bickslow, and it confused her a little. She'd expected them to stay by Bickslow the entire time, because that's what they usually did when they were actually out, but they weren't.
They were following her. No echoing, just following.
And it wasn't like she didn't appreciate it, because she did. It felt like Bickslow was still there, and mentally, Lucy cursed herself. She was already acting like Bickslow was dead. He wasn't. He was alive.
And he was going to be fine.
She had to believe that. She needed to believe that, because if Bickslow wasn't fine, she didn't know what she would do. She honestly didn't think she'd be able to cope with his death, especially when she thought she was the reason he got hurt in the first place. If she hadn't been there, he wouldn't be lying on the infirmary bed.
When she got to the guild, she didn't even bother talking to anyone. She wasn't there for them, she was there for Bickslow. The first thing Porlyusica had said when she'd walked through those doors was that he was an incredibly lucky man – not a single organ was perforated by the steel and she suspected that it had missed by mere millimetres. Any other angle and everything would be completely different.
But… He still should have been dead. He'd been lying there on that rubble for over an hour and it was both a miracle and a mystery that he hadn't died from blood loss alone.
And each night, she'd go back to Bickslow's apartment in hopes of getting just a little bit of sleep even though she'd rather be sitting in the guild watching over him, but they wouldn't let her do that. She'd brought the huge book on Seith magic with her that night and she'd sat up in his bed with the book resting on his pillow in her lap and the babies settled on the bed around her. When she looked at them, it was almost as if they were watching over her, and god, did she feel like she needed that. She needed Bickslow, but he couldn't be there, so his babies were.
So with a sigh, she'd flicked open to the chapter she'd been dreading reading – what happens when a Seith mage dies.
'In some ways, the wandering souls that a Seith mage are able to control can be compared to the spirits that a Celestial Spirit mage holds contracts with. In this sense, the souls are believed to see the Seith mage as their master. Much like spirits, it is believed that souls are able to sense their master's forthcoming death, and, if it is 'inevitable', they will relinquish any remaining tethers to their 'bodies' and master, and will once again become a wandering soul that is able to be caught by a Seith mage, should they be found by one.'
So… That would mean that Bickslow had to fine. Right? Because if he wasn't going to get better and wake up, then the babies wouldn't be there. But they were there, and that was the entire point. They were giving Lucy hope, so it was really just a matter of waiting for Bickslow to wake up.
By the third night, Lucy couldn't sleep again. The pillow, the babies – hell, she'd even taken to wearing one of the shirts he actually wore occasionally, but nothing helped. Porlyusica said he was supposed to be awake after a couple of days… but he wasn't.
So when she couldn't sleep, she cleaned. Every single shelf and surface was dusted and sparkling clean by the time she was done. Every pillow on the lounge was perfectly placed and each throw blanket was folded precisely. Every paper on his desk had been stacked up in the corner on top of the books and the bookcase had been organised alphabetically, with the assistance of the babies when she couldn't reach the top shelves. Every cupboard, cabinet, and drawer in his kitchen and bathroom was cleaned out and she'd even had Capricorn fix the curtain-rod for the shower that Bickslow had yet to get fixed.
By the fourth night, no one even bothered telling her to go home and get some rest, not when she had fallen asleep in the chair next to his bed, her feet tucked up under her and her head resting on the armrest with the babies on her lap. They just didn't see the point of getting her to go home because they all knew she wasn't sleeping.
And that's how it went for the next few nights, with Lucy only going back to her own place to shower and change, occasionally getting something to eat from Mira when the barmaid brought it in. People came and went all day – Wendy and Porlyusica to check on his healing progress (which was actually going quite well thanks to the young Dragon Slayer), or everyone else just to check on how Lucy was doing, because out of everyone, she was the one who was the most worried about Bickslow. But that wasn't to say they weren't worried about Bickslow, because they were. Everyone was, just because no one liked seeing their friend and member of their family in such a state.
But during her week, even though she hated every second of it just because Bickslow wasn't waking up, she began to see that his babies really were similar to her spirits. And it wasn't like she'd never made that connection, because she had. She'd always thought they'd reminded her of her spirits and that was long before they'd started dating, but with them following her around, she saw it more clearly.
Like her spirits, they were her friends. Bickslow never had them out much so she'd never been able to watch them, but they'd been out the entire time, not able to leave the dolls that he had them in, because without his magic, they couldn't change over and the dolls themselves couldn't be sent to his toy box, as he liked to call it.
But it wasn't until she'd actually read a passage from the Seith magic book that she truly saw how similar souls were to spirits.
'In most cases, the souls under the manipulation of a Seith mage are not able to act of their own accord. That is, everything will be the wish of their master, the Seith mage. In other words, the soul's magic is solely reliant of that of their master. However, in some cases, where a bond of deep enough meaning has been struck between a soul and a Seith mage, they are able to act of their own accord. Their power draws on that of the Seith mage and so occasionally, there are times when they can harness their own power and act against the wishes of the Seith mage – that is, they can act of their own accord.
'As mentioned before, there are many ways in which souls can be compared to the spirits of the Celestial Spirit World. In this sense, it is the bonds between that of a Seith mage and his/her souls and a Celestial Spirit mage and his/her spirits. Spirits who are able to force their gates open and use their own magic rather than their master's are ones that share deep bonds, and so, this can be said the same for souls and Seith mages.
'As also mentioned before, when a Seith mage is on the brink of death, the souls under his/her manipulation will in fact sense this and if there is no other possible outcome – saving grace, perhaps – then they will forfeit their bodies and return to being wandering souls.
'That being said, when a Seith mage is gravely injured and the souls do not see death in their master's foreseeable future, they have been known to 'comfort' those who are close to the Seith mage. However, this will only happen if the bonds between the Seith mage and the souls are strong enough, as well as between the Seith mage and the person in need of comfort. It is most commonly a loved one or a relative that the souls are drawn to.
'It is important to remember that souls were once humans and so when they act of their own accord in attempt to comfort someone, we can see it as their once human nature emerging. Also like spirits, souls of this calibre are seen to be as protective entities to not only their master, but those close to them.'
So to Lucy, it wasn't just that they knew Bickslow was going to get better – eventually, at least – but they also really were a lot like her spirits. Bickslow obviously had deep enough bonds with his souls for them to spend an entire week on their own power, and when it had elaborated on souls doing that in a later chapter, it had stated that it was incredibly rare for it to occur longer than two or three days.
But it had been for a week. They'd been trying to comfort Lucy for a week because Bickslow loved her, and them being around her was an attempt to tell her that everything was going to get better. Bickslow was going to get better.
So with all of the differences that they had between them, Lucy and Bickslow had something in common, and that was the bond they shared between their souls and spirits.
But maybe that was made their entire relationship work out in the first place. Maybe it was because they were almost complete opposites and that they were almost always having to find a constant middle ground, but it wasn't like that was hard either. Because if they were too similar then it would be boring. There'd be no fun involved… And if a relationship wasn't fun, then what was the point?
Neither had thought about it much, because neither really wanted to question it. Some things were just better left answered, and maybe the reason as to why they were both so happy with each other was one of those things.
It was a week after everyone had returned after the events in Larch Town that Bickslow finally woke up.
His eyes fluttered open slowly, squinting at the harsh light in the room and giving his eyes a minute to adjust. After all, they'd been closed for an entire week. Once his eyes had adjusted, he looked around the room, seeing all of the empty beds around him.
The guild?
It didn't make any sense. He was supposed to be dead. He'd seen his entire life and the future he was going to miss out on. He wasn't supposed to be there.
Unless it was a dream?
Bickslow tried to sit up slowly, only to groan in pain before he fell back down to the bed. Right, totally forgot about that happening. With one arm, he lifted up the sheet covering him from his chest down, grimacing when he saw the white bandages wrapped around his abdomen. He could feel the pain radiating from his side, though his back was strangely okay. It was nowhere as bad as it had been the last time he could remember anything, but it still hurt. A lot.
And then he saw the blonde. She had her head leaning on her folded arms on the side of the bed, sleeping. At that point, Bickslow still wasn't sure if what he'd seen had been a dream, if he was dreaming in that current moment, or if he was actually dead. He was still confused. But he didn't need to know just what it was to remember that he'd never been able to wake Lucy. There'd been times where he'd wanted to, but he could just never bring himself to do it. She always looked too peaceful when she was asleep, and more often than not, the corners of her mouth would be upturned just the tiniest bit and she'd be smiling slightly. He loved it. He thought it was adorable, and he always had.
But he didn't have to wake her, it seemed, because his babies that he didn't know had been under her head and in her arms were waking her up for him.
"Lucy! Lucy!" they cheered quietly, moving about in the incredibly tight space as best they could.
Lucy slowly pushed herself up, rubbing her eyes with the backs of her hands as the five dolls zoomed out and flew about the room. She was still too groggy to realise their usual enthusiasm and energy was back, nor did she realise why they'd woken her up, because they hadn't done that in the entire week they'd been with her.
But when her gaze trailed up to Bickslow's face like it did every time she woke up, she honestly hadn't expected to see him actually looking back at her. And sure, he looked a little confused, but he was awake.
Within seconds, she was a blubbering mess as she shot up from the chair, her arms wrapping around his neck as she buried her face in the pillow just next to his head. "T-Thank god y-you're a-awake," she sobbed. "I-I was so w-worried."
Bickslow couldn't help but wrap his arms around her back. He didn't care about the pain that came from pulling her down to him. He just needed to hold her as close as possible. "This is real?" he mumbled into her shoulder.
"It's r-real," she said, turning to press a kiss to his cheek.
He could feel his heart practically leap into his throat, hearing the words. It wasn't a dream and he wasn't dead, though he was still confused. It was real. He was really there and she was really there.
Closing his eyes, he wrapped his arms around her even more. The pain didn't matter. "I love you so much."
Lucy choked on her sobs, lifting her head just enough to wipe the tears from her face before leaning back down, her lips crashing down on his as she took the sides of his face in her hands. Even though she'd known deep down that he really would be okay one day, she'd been beginning to think she would never hear Bickslow say those words again. That fact she'd thought that was worrying enough in its own right, but she didn't need to worry about it anymore. He was okay and she didn't have to worry about when he'd wake up.
"Don't you e-ever leave me like t-that again," she whispered, leaning her forehead on his when they pulled away slightly. "A week, Bicks. I was w-worried sick about you for a week."
Bickslow furrowed his brow slightly. "A week?" he murmured. Was I really dreaming for an entire week?
Lucy nodded, a small frown on her face. "You were asleep for a week, even t-though you should have woken up after a couple of days."
"Oh…" he whispered. "I'm sorry, Lucy." Because unintentionally, he'd left her for an entire week. He didn't want to do that. Ever.
"I'm the one who should be saying sorry…" she mumbled, sitting up suddenly and moving to sit on the edge of the bed before looking down at her hands. "It's… It was my fault you were there. If I didn't get c-caught then you wouldn't have been there and you w-wouldn't be hurt and you w-wouldn't have nearly d-died, so I'm s-sorry…" she whispered, the tears rolling down her cheeks once again. "I'm so, s-so sorry…"
Bickslow winced slightly as he pushed himself up to lean on his elbows. "It's not your fault," he said with a slight smirk, and when she turned and opened her mouth as if to say it was again, he cut her off. "I called the guy's daughter a bitch and he lost it. It was just bad luck that he happened to toss me into the building with the broken pieces of metal…"
The corner of her mouth lifted into a small smile for just a second. It was so Bickslow's type of thing to insult someone and get hurt from it. But… She still felt guilty. "Well, even so… You're really lucky, Bicks. Had that piece of metal gone in on any other angle… you'd have d-died… A-And you lost s-so much blood…" She was still having a hard time forgetting the image of Bickslow lying there on the rubble.
Bickslow hated seeing Lucy like that. He hated seeing her crying and he hated the fact that it was over himself.
"Alright, come over here," he said softly, wincing when he moved over on the small bed and patted the empty spot next to him, on his side that he hadn't had a piece of giant metal sticking through him, of course.
When she curled up against his side with his arm around her, she sighed quietly. "Please d-don't even come close to leaving like that a-again. Or leaving at all," she whispered. Because for every single future scenario her brain had thought of, Bickslow was in all of them. She didn't want to have to be without Bickslow again. Not any time soon, anyway.
And even though the details of what Bickslow realised was a dream were beginning to already fade, he knew that he'd seen a future – a future that he now knew he wanted. It was a future he'd never even expected to want, but with Lucy, that was exactly what he wanted. Whether it happened exactly like he'd seen in his dream or not, as long as he got to spend his life with her and have a family with her, he'd be happy, and more than anything, he hoped that that's what she wanted too.
"I won't," he whispered.