After I took a seat next to a chubster and frazzled squirrel, I could see the High Table properly now. At the end sat some kind of creature that was 10 feet tall, he caught my eye and gave me a thumbs up. I scoffed in disgust

In the center of the High Table, in a large gold chair, sat Albus Dumbledore. The same man who was responsible for sending him to the Dursleys at least he's thankful for that. Dumbledore's silver hair was the only thing in the whole hall that shone as brightly as the ghosts. I presume it is somehow related to his magical power.

I spotted another Professor. He was looking very peculiar in a large purple turban. Something seemed off about him.

I looked down at my empty gold plate and Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.

"Welcome," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin

our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit!

Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

"Thank you!"

He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know

whether to laugh or not.

"Holy shit, how many retards does this school employ?" I questioned.

"RETARD!?" huffed Percy angrily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! THAT'LL BE 15 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR"

"Uh-huh, and what do these points do exactly?"

Percy looked a bit put out at my question. "If your house has the most points at the end of the year you win the house cup!"

At this point, most of Gryffindor was listening to our conversation

"Okay? What does this house cup do exactly"

"It brings Pride, Glory, and Honor to our house!"

"What year are you in?"

"Fifth, why?"

"Alright let me ask you this, who won the house cup six years ago?"

Percy looked stumped and was struggling to answer before he could respond. "It seems to me like the only purpose of this 'House Cup' is to control the students," I smirked and shouted towards the Gryffindor students who were looking at us. "I'll tell you guys what, for every house point someone in Gryffindor loses I'll give them 1 galleon" And I took out my moleskin pouch and poured a shit ton of galleons on the table to show I wasn't joking

When the teachers at the head table were aghast and quickly turned pale.

"POTTER I'LL HAVE YOU IN DETENTION UNTIL THE END OF THE YEAR" Shouted some greasy-haired, zit-faced, hooked-nose, Batman wannabe.

"I think I will pass, but I appreciate the offer" I smirked

"THEN I'LL HAVE YOU EXPELLED" he shouted spit flying

"Okay, Cool" and I took out my coin that said Durmstrang and Beauxbatons

"Now, now, no need to worry about that. Harry won't be getting expelled while I am headmaster he did us all a service 10 years ago and I won't allow a national hero to school in another country"

"Ahem - just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you. "First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."

Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the Weasley twins.

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch. And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

I laughed, but I was one of the few who did.

'I need to find a way to convince some of my classmates to go there, start thinning the herd a little bit' I thought to myself while giggling

"And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!" cried Dumbledore. Harry noticed that the other teachers' smiles had become rather fixed.

Dumbledore gave his wand a little flick as if he was trying to get a fly off the end, and a long golden ribbon flew out of it, which rose high above the tables and twisted itself, snakelike, into words. "Everyone pick their favorite tune," said Dumbledore, "and off we go!"

"Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

"He's definitely part of the quota" I said loudly

"What quota?" asked 2 red-headed twins

"You know the ones that governments allot so the handicapped get hired"

A few students started choking on their drinks

"POTTER DO NOT CALL THE HEADMASTER HANDICAPPED"

"It seems you're part of the quota too, I told you my name is Dursley, Adolf Dursley"

Percy just muttered something rude and started leading us the dormitories

"Password?" she said. "Caput Draconis," said Percy, and the portrait swung forward to reveal a round hole in the wall. They all scrambled through it - Neville needed a leg up - and found themselves in the Gryffindor common room, a cozy, round room full of squashy armchairs.

Percy directed the girls through one door to their dormitory and the boys through another. At the top of a spiral staircase - they were obviously in one of the towers - they found their beds at last: five four-posters hung with deep red, velvet curtains. Their trunks had already been brought up. Too tired to talk much, they pulled on their pajamas and fell into bed.

" Great food, isn't it?" Ron muttered while ripping out a massive fart

"That's fucking disgusting, this isn't gonna work for me. Hey HOGWARTS IS THERE A ROOM FOR THE HEIR HERE?"

A house elf popped up "Sirs Griffy, be needing something?"

"Yeah, is there a solo room for the heir somewhere?"

"Yep Indeedio, Sirs Griffy be following me?"

"Okay, Let's go"

The house elf led me down to the common room and brought me in front of the fireplace.

"Sirs Griffy, all you needs is to place hand on mantle and says yous claim the gryffindor heir room"

I did as instructed and said "I claim the Gryffindor heir room" as I did so the fireplace started morphing into a door with a moving lion motif on it. The nearby students started gawking and their mouths dropped open in shock

"Later retards" I said then opened the door. Which was locked but it looked like there was a hole the size of my ring, so I shifted the ring on my hand to the gryffindor one and then put in the hole. As I did so the door started lighting up in a runic pattern then swung open. I stepped inside then closed door after saying "Bring all my stuff in here" to the house elf