Happy New Year! Doing a little jumping around this chapter, hope it's not too confusing. Picking up two days before the end of chapter one. Thanks for sticking with me! Enjoy!

Amanda's session…

"Detective Rollins, it might help to just say whatever it is that you feel is too terrible to say. This is our fourth session and you've made progress but you're at a crossroads right now. I've heard it all. I'm here to help, not judge you. I can see you struggling, with whatever your withholding."

Their sessions had taken a drastic change for the better, since the day Rollins stormed out. The detective was eager to get back to work, and knew that the only way to return would to be cleared by Huang. Olivia's words were burned into her brain, "I want us to walk in together". The thought of not being cleared scared her more than revealing her innermost secrets. Work was a steadying calm to her madness. She made the decision to cooperate after her epic storm out. Things had changed immensely since that day. The weight that kept falling off, after every session was cathartic. However, she still hadn't told a soul, Olivia included, about her darkest secret. The secret that almost caused her to execute Lawrence.

"Detective?" Huang called out to make sure that, she was still there with him. Despite the far off look in her eyes.

"Yeah," she refocused on the Dr. and waited for him to repeat his question.

"What is it that you're not saying? It's obviously bothering you."

The detective exhaled deeply. Gathering her thoughts before replying. "Lawrence brought out a part of me that I thought had died a long time ago."

"Go on."

"I killed a man when I was only thirteen years old." The doctor kept silent, with a neutral expression on his face while she explained. "My mother, she's, well…men. Her and men don't mix. The ones that she invites into her life, are the kind that I arrest and put into prison. You know the type, right?"

"Yes."

"My mother's flavor of the month at the time, Earl, was a total piece of shit. He'd beat her for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Unprovoked and just because he was an angry, miserable bastard. If anything went wrong in his life, he'd blame her and take it out on all of us. My brother Josh, got it the worst. He was our protector. Josh was five years older than me and totally unthreatened by Earl. He was eighteen and tired of taking shit from Mom's loser boyfriends." Amanda paused, as the memories flooded her brain.

Huang noticed the distressed look on her face. "Do you need a minute, Detective?"

"Josh jumped in one day when Earl was beating on my mother. They went at it for a while. Josh kicked his ass. Earl was so pissed, he made my mother put him out the next day while Josh was at work. She put all of his stuff on the street and Earl burned it."

"That's a difficult environment, for a young girl to be raised in. Research shows that, men like Earl only escalate. Typically embarrassed by their uselessness or other shortcomings. The inadequacy, often led to rage. Needing someone to take their anger out on, their partner, and/or children were usually the targets."

"Useless, yeah, you can say that." The detective was only able to take in small bits of what Huang was saying. Her mind was flooded with the terrible memories of her so-called childhood. "A week after he kicked Josh out, I shot him. I got home from school one day, he was beating on my Mom, as usual. Kim, my sister, was screaming so loud that I could hear her before I even made into our house. I ran in and saw Kim holding her face crying, while Earl was beating the hell out of my mother. My instincts took over and I jumped on his back, trying to stop him. I was punching, biting, anything to make him stop. He flung me across the room with ease. I don't know how long I as out but when I came to, Josh's shotgun was poking out of the of the closet besides me. He taught me how to use a gun when I was very young."

Huang shifted in his chair, as Amanda shared her deepest secrets. This wasn't how he expected the session to go but he was all ears. Attentive and engaged. While making, her feel safe, in a judgement free zone. He wanted to chime in but saw that she was on a roll. So, he decided to let her keep going, before interjecting.

"I was out of it, after my head hit the wall. I came to, in excruciating pain but I was too terrified to worry about it. Terrified of what Earl would do next. Terrified that he would kill my mom in front of us. So, I reacted. I picked up the gun and yelled, 'get off her, before I blow your ass away.' He laughed at me. My mom tried to diffuse the situation and he punched her again. She was out, cold. Then he charged toward me and I shot. I shot, him." Amanda paused for a moment and closed her eyes. This was her first time talking about it, since telling her story to the detectives on the case.

"Seems like you were destined to protect and serve."

She looked up at him, incredulously. "Excuse me? I killed a man that I hated and don't regret it. Wish I could do it all over again. Wouldn't hesitate if I had to. That's like, the opposite of being a cop."

"You risked your young, thirteen-year old life to save your mother and sister. The presence of mind, to reach a weapon, while under extreme pressure. I stand by my previous statement. Your feelings about the deceased is irrelevant. You didn't shoot him because you hated him. You protected yourself and your family."

"Thought about shooting him, before that day. A lot, actually." Her frankness couldn't be contained. Huang had gotten her to open up and there was plenty to say. After so much had been bottled up for so long. "And if it wasn't for Liv, Lawrence would've died before making it to the operating table..."

Present time…

"I just found out that, I'm not cleared for active duty."

That revelation, caught Amanda completely off guard. She had been so preoccupied. Worrying about herself, that Olivia being cleared wasn't even on her radar. The unexpected news, had her at a loss for words. She thought that the roles would be reversed. Olivia would be cleared, while she was denied to return. Especially, after her last over sharing session with Dr. Huang. So, hearing that news about her partner, had her unprepared for giving a supportive, positive response. Allowing her unpolished, blunt reactions to flow.

"That's fucking bullshit!" She was beside herself, as she fired off the ultimate question. "Why the hell aren't you cleared for active duty?!"

"Something about my shoulder. I-I don't know…" Olivia was barely keeping it together. She paced as her mind raced. The news had totally blindsided her.

Amanda saw her, usually together partner, slowly unwinding. She needed to get her own anger under control, so she could be there for Olivia. "Hey…" she walked over to where Liv was pacing and put a hand on her shoulder. "Take a breath." The brunette stopped, mid pace and inhaled deeply. She repeated the gesture a few more times. Each breath more calming than the one before.

"I'm alright, I'm alright," she repeated the phrase twice. Trying to convince herself more so than her partner.

"Ok…" Amanda suppressed her anger and questions. Giving Olivia the opportunity to try and make some sense of it all.

A few more moments of silence passed by before Liv spoke again, "Cragen called to apologize. He knew before I did. He said that I can come in but have to ride the desk until I'm medically cleared. After I hung up with him, I called my Physical Therapist's office. You saw how that ended…" Her back was still to Amanda, while she talked. Saying everything out loud just made it all so very real and even more terrible. "I, uhm…think I'm going to head home."

Amanda gently spun her around so that they were face to face. However, the brunette kept her eyes toward the pavement. "You sure? I could co—"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Not feeling the best. Need a moment alone. I'll text you."

Amanda barely felt the quick peck on her cheek, before Olivia was walking away, in the opposite direction. The detective stood there, in front of 'their' spot, watching. Feeling helpless. The main thing that had been helping them through the trauma, was the anticipation of going back to work. She couldn't imagine receiving the rejecting news. It was what she'd been fearing. Not getting cleared while Olivia was. Now the roles were reversed and she felt just as bad. And to top it off, Olivia didn't want or need her comfort.

The powerless feeling couldn't be shaken. How was it that Olivia could always make her feel better but she couldn't help in Liv's time of need? The brunette was completely out of eye shot. On top of everything else that Amanda was feeling, that pesky restlessness, had crept back in. The feeling would pop-up anytime that she was anxious or stressed. The thought of not being what or enough for Olivia, had her anxiety working overtime. She was walking back toward her apartment, when the last place that she needed to be, caught her attention. Without even thinking twice, the troubled detective found herself entering a smoky bar. She took a seat at the bar facing the entrance, as a friendly waiter approached.

"Hi, welcome to Mission Last Call! How can I help you?"

Amanda rolled her eyes at the overly, perky woman. Also, at the dumb name. Which didn't go unnoticed by the bartender. "JD on the rocks and keep 'em coming."

"Will do. I'm Brooke, let me know if you need anything."

Olivia had finally made it back to her apartment. She decided to walk. Clearing her head, along the way. The walk and time alone to think, had actually done some good. She realized, after being completely honest with herself that, she indeed wasn't quite ready for full duty, physically yet. Anything could happen or go wrong on the street. Being one arm down was problematic, to say the least. The detective knew that she'd be putting herself and partner in jeopardy by not being one hundred percent. The more she thought about it rationally, the more she accepted the decision. So, Olivia decided to focus her energy on the positive. At least, she was going back to work.

Feeling a little better than earlier, the thought about how she just walked away from Amanda came to her remembrance. The shock of the news, caused her to react strongly. Nevertheless, Olivia hated that she didn't respond in a better way. After all, Amanda was only trying to be there for her. She felt bad and needed to smooth things out before work the next day. Liv grabbed her phone to make the call.

At the bar…

"And now I think I love her. So, I'm totally screwed because I'm a mess," slurred the blonde to her new bestie Brooke, the bartender.

"No, you're not. Liv knows what you're going through, she's probably going through it too. I think you should just tell her how you feel."

"Ha, you're crazy. What do you want me to say, 'hey Liv, I think I kinda, sorta love you'?"

"Maybe leave out some of the adjectives but yes, tell her."

"I can't. I'd be a terrible girlfriend. I didn't even know how to be there for her, today. She was so upset. I'm normally the mess. She usually has her shit together. Always in control, always know the right things to say. She's that type."

"Mmmhmm," Brooke nodded her head in agreement.

"Yeah but today, I walked up on her losing it. And I couldn't help. She wanted to be alone. She doesn't need me. Not like I need her…" Amanda finished off her drink and let her head rest on the bar.

"You're really bumming me out, Amanda." The detective's phone flashed and buzzed on the bar top, getting Brooke's attention. The peppy bartender let out a shriek. "Amanda! Get up! It's her, it's Liv! Hurry, answer it!"

Nearly scared half to death, thanks to Brooke's antics. Amanda took a deep breath before answering. While the overly involved bartender, watched her like a hawk. "Hello?"

"Hey…" Olivia's voice was soft and timid. "I uhm, I owe you an apology for earlier."

"Don't. You don't have to…" Amanda's voice was less than certain. The liquor mixed with her feelings, had her extra emo. Olivia picked up on the distressed tone, mixed with something else that she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"I pushed you away and I'm sorry, Amanda."

"It's fine, really it is. You got some rough news and needed your space to process. I get it."

"Tell her how you feel!" said Brooke in an exaggerated, whisper.

"Shhhh," Amanda covered the phone, as she shushed the overzealous bartender.

"Who was that?"

"Tell her, Amanda," mouthed Brooke.

"Shut the hell up, damnit."

"Amanda? Hello?" asked a confused Olivia.

"Y-yeah, I'm here. It's just, uhm. Well I'm kind of like, maybe…"

"Are you busy? Sounds chaotic. Want me to call you la—"

They both spoke at the same time.

"…love you."

Thanks for reading. Feedback would be nice.