Two days earlier, at Olivia's session…
"What? You think it's crazy? A big mistake, right?"
"The question is, how do you feel about it?" Huang was doing the typical doctor, reverse psychology shtick.
"I mean, it's kind of crazy. A relationship to come out of an undercover assignment. It's like the plot of a bad romantic comedy or worse, a bad fanfic or something. It's insane, not to mention the other factors." Olivia was clearly flustered and trying to make sense of the situation.
"But it's probably your most intense and extensive undercover operation, to date. It was an unusual experience. You two had to be so close and in sync. You lived together for months, learning and sharing things with each other. Things that you probably have never shared with anyone else, except each other. So, it's really not as uncommon as you'd like to think. Let me ask you this, Detective. What about a possible relationship with Detective Rollins, is so troubling?"
"Everything. I'm a mess. She's a mess. She's a she. We were attacked. I'm used to being alone. We work together. It's confusing. Are we feeling these things because of what we went through? Or are the feelings real?" She paused for a minute, to think. "No. I know what I feel. They feel real to me. I care about her, I really do." Olivia was talking to herself, more so than talking to the patient doctor. After more rambling, she finally directed a question towards him. "Ok. I need you to tell me how to do this. How do I just say to hell with the 'what ifs'…how?"
Huang looked at Olivia and saw the distress on her face. "I don't have any magical words for you, Detective. If you truly want to pursue a future with someone, you have to get out of your head. There will always be reasons not to move forward." He slid his chair closer to the woman sitting before him. "Olivia, stop looking for reasons not to try and focus on the reason why you're even considering the possibility. Consider, that it's what you want. Also, consider it just might be exactly what you need…"
Present time…
"I can barely look at you, right now. This is so awkward," expressed Amanda. Uncomfortable, was an understatement.
Olivia was still flushed from the heated moment, they shared earlier. The anticipation of what they were going to discuss, kept that blush on her cheeks. Through her own discomfort, Olivia managed to put the other woman at ease. The impending conversation that they were going to have was important and necessary.
"It doesn't have to be awkward. Just talk to me. More importantly," Liv closed the distance that Amanda had created between them. "Look at me. It's only you and I here. So, relax and just talk to me."
Oh, my gosh. Why did she have to get so close? Focus, Amanda. Just let it flow. "I don't know how to be all like, coy or whatever. I'm from the south, we're blunt and that's the only way I know how to be." She took a breath before she blurted out what she wanted to say. "I'm very attracted to you and I want you. It's weird because I don't know all the 'ins and outs' but I know how I feel. I also know, the assault is still fresh and that makes this even more complicated. All of that aside, when you kiss me like you did a minute ago…" Amanda gave the brunette sitting beside her, a look that conveyed the rest of her sentence. "So, yeah. You know how I feel and I need to know how you're feeling. Like, I really need to know." Her nervousness made its presence, once again.
Olivia looked at the woman beside her. The confident, unsure, nervous, beautiful blonde, laying it all on the line. No masks or pretense. The feeling touched something deep within Olivia. Something that had been missing from her life, for some time now. Passion. Instead of using her words, Liv let her actions speak. She pulled Amanda in, the modesty long gone. Desire took over, as she claimed her partner's lips. The surprise of the kiss caught Amanda off guard but she recovered quickly, giving back as much as she was getting. Soft lips melded together as one. While, inquisitive tongues explored. After being temporarily sated, they broke apart, never losing eye contact.
"I hope that helped to explain how I feel."
Amanda's head was spinning from that kiss. So, it took her a minute to form words. "Yes, yes it did." Then suddenly, the blonde rose to her feet, searching for her keys and phone. The abruptness, confused Olivia but Amanda didn't leave her in the dark for long. "I'm going to go," she saw Liv about to interject but she stopped her. "Trust me. I am not running away from you. But—"
"But what?"
"But, I can't stay with you tonight."
"Why not?"
"Because…" the blonde closed the distance between them, tilted her head upright and kissed Olivia yet again. Their lips melded together beautifully. Triggering other desires that a kiss couldn't satiate, "I can't promise you that I'll stay on my side of the bed tonight," one last peck and Amanda left, with unfinished business.
Olivia closed the door and rested her head on it. Everything that'd happened, raced through her mind. The night had been a pivotal moment of their relationship, since the pretending had ended. Not only had they owned their feelings, they were planning what was next. More specifically, the physical part of their relationship. It was unfamiliar territory for both but overthinking took a back seat to the new-found passion of their togetherness. Even though she wanted Amanda to stay. Olivia was more than relieved to know that it wasn't because of the need to run away. That fact along with the dalliances of the night, put Liv in a great mood before going to bed.
The next morning arrived and Amanda felt energized, eager for work. One reason being, she knew that the woman who'd starred in her risqué dreams, the night before was going to be there. Dreams that caused an instant blush every time she'd think of them. Dreams she didn't even know would be something to look forward, into making a reality, soon. Damn, I really want— no, stop it. Mind out of the gutter. Not at work, Amanda. The other reason was, work kept her busy. Down time had proven to be an enemy as of late. She shook off the remaining thoughts of her dream and walked into the squad room.
"Mornin'," eagerly greeted D'Antoni.
Amanda fought the strong urge to roll her eyes. She didn't want to be rude, even if he was annoying and came on too strong. "Morning, D'Antoni." She made sure to pronounce her 'g', knowing how much he liked to mock her drawl. Diverting the attention from his thick accent.
"Please, call me Luca. We're partners. Right, Amanda?" He saw the look on her face. A look that she just couldn't suppress. It definitely got her point across, without having to say a single word. The young man readjusted his misstep quickly. "On the other hand, D'Antoni is just fine, Detective Rollins."
"Relax, D'Antoni. Her bark…well scowl is bigger than her bite." Teased Fin, as his partner shot him the same look. The new detective noticed it and made himself disappear, leaving them alone. After D'Antoni was out of earshot, Fin spoke. "It wasn't the same here without you. I'm glad you're back, Amanda. You are back, right?"
She loved and hated how well Fin knew her. He saw past the bs and facades. And she'd gotten really good at hiding behind them but he knew better. That's why she answered his question carefully and honestly. Lying wouldn't benefit him or her. "It hasn't been an easy road but yes. I'm back, Fin. Please, stop worrying about me."
"Not going to happen."
Across the room, Olivia was also having an undesired 'check-up' with Nick. He cornered her, soon as she walked in. Her first stop was going to be Amanda's desk but Nick and his questions had other plans. The concerned detective was going down his list of questions, as she tried to reassure him. However, she'd been his partner long enough to know that there wasn't an easy or short way to put his mind at ease.
"How's the shoulder/arm?" asked Amaro.
"It's good. My PT is going well. I should be back on the streets with you soon."
"Good. I like it better when it's you and I pulling all-nighters. Not Mr. Humblebrag Wright."
"Getting along well with your new partner, I see." Olivia's words were bathed in sarcasm.
"Hey, don't call him that, alright?" Nick didn't find her teasing amusing, at all. He missed his partner and was eager for her to be back and one hundred percent. "Seriously though, a lot has happened since you've been gone. I need someone, I can depend on around here. So, please tell me that you'll be back soon."
She sensed something off in his tone, that alarmed her. She stepped closer to him and lowered her tone, "I'll be back with you soon, Nick. Never mind that, what's been going on with you? I can tell that something's bothering you."
He stepped back, trying to keep up his strong, macho-male allusion. "I'm good. Nothing I can't handle." The front usually worked on others but not Liv. The brunette saw through the cellophane. She was about to pry a little more before missing her opportunity.
"Hey, sorry to cut in. Can I steal her for a quick second?"
"She's all yours… I'll catch up with you later, Liv." Nick walked off, as she watched. Wondering what was bothering him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know y'all were in the middle of a thing—"
"No, it's fine," Liv watched him walk over toward the cribs. After he was out of eye sight, she turned to the awaiting person behind her, "Morning."
"Good morning. I didn't mean to bust up y'alls moment." Amanda tried but failed to keep the annoyance out of her tone.
"It's fine, really. I will catch up with him later. So, what's up?"
"Cragen just told me that a reporter will be here in uh…about twenty minutes."
"A reporter? Why?" Olivia was beyond irritated and confused. She was at work to work, not give interviews.
"Combat Cross. They're doing a write up about us. I bitched and bitched to Cragen about but it didn't change his mind," shrugged Amanda.
"Ugh," Liv took a step back as she ran fingers through her locks. "You know, it's never going to be the same around here, again. Parties, interviews, awards, etc. Everyone is going to freakin' hate us!"
"I know. Two chicks getting the hero treatment is definitely going to piss off the good ol' boys. Along with isolating us from our unit. I mean, just look at the two newbies. One thinks we walk on water and the other says just enough to leave me guessing if he wants to hate or worship us." Amanda took a breath after that and tried to look at the silver lining. "At least, we're here at all. That's something…"
Olivia was staring at the floor when Amanda delivered a typical 'Benson' line. It surprised, intrigued and helped her to look at the bright side. Even if an interview was the last thing, she wanted to do. Hearing her partner, speak optimistically about something so trivial was exactly what she needed to hear. "Yes, it is something. You're absolutely right."
"No, you're right. When I found out about it earlier, I was a complete asshole. But before I took it too far, I breathed, calmed down and 'Benson'd' it. I tried to channel what you'd say and it worked. I took your imaginary words in my head and they made me come to terms with everything. So, you were right." They stared at each other for a while. The connection undeniable before remembering where they were. Amanda cleared her throat and got back on task. "Right, so…yay the interview?"
"Yay, the interview," said Olivia as she followed her partner to the designated area.
Amanda closed the door after them, then took her seat. "Oh, by the way, Cragen gave us the rest of the day off after this."
"What?! Why? Oh, my go—"
"No, no, no. Don't freak. It's a good thing, because I'm taking you out tonight…" Olivia felt the butterflies fill her stomach. Amanda continued, "How about we get this out of the way, then for the rest of the day…just us?"
"Yes. Just us."
I know, I suck. I read all of your msgs and pms telling me so. The wait…I blame on life. Thanks for reading, anyhow. Hope you enjoyed it…especially after the wait.