Picking up where we left off (kind of) with a few jumps in between. Hopefully it won't be too confusing and you'll enjoy.
"I'm trying to love you…" Olivia closed the remaining distance between them. "All you have to do is let me."
Amanda looked into those intense, deep, dark brown eyes and saw everything that she needed to see. She saw someone who, really loved and cared for her in a way that no one else ever had. That realization made her heart swell. The sincerity in Liv's words and eyes took away her remaining nerves. She allowed herself to get lost in those eyes and spoke honestly, without reservation.
"You're so beautiful. Physically, you're stunning. It's very overwhelming at times—"
"Amanda, please don't—" Liv was uncomfortable with the flattery but the blonde ignored her and kept going.
"Beyond your obvious attractiveness, you are so much more. You're loyal. You're a friend. A fighter. A defender. A protector. Everything. You're everything that I never knew, I wanted or needed until things changed. I'm so happy they changed because I don't want to remember what my life was like without you."
"I can't imagine my life without you, either."
Amanda got even closer, to the beautiful brunette. "I love you, Olivia. I've been loving you for some time now but I was too…I don't know. But that doesn't matter now. What does matter is, I love. And I want to show you just how much…" Her words were bathed in lust. The brazen detective took her partner's hand. Guiding them to her bedroom. Once inside the room, her remaining inhibitions faded. While her confidence boosted. "Sit down, over there."
Olivia followed the command, despite her uncertainness. "You sure about thi—"
"Shhhh…" Amanda silenced her partner with action. As she removed her top, followed by jeans. She made eye contact with the stunned woman, watching. Fear long gone, she shed the remaining undergarments. She stood there in her natural glory before Olivia for the first time. And instead of the vulnerability she'd expected to feel. All, Amanda felt was safe. "I'm yours, Liv. All yours…"
"Rollins! Hey Amanda! You hear me?" Fin snapped his fingers in her face. Putting a halt to her day dreaming. Trying to get her attention. It was clear that she was somewhere else, miles away from the 1-6.
"Sorry, Fin. What's up?"
"Nothing, but we were talking and you just spaced out on me. You good?"
"Yeah, I'm fi—"
"Fine," Fin finished his partner's word. "Yeah, you're always 'fine', Amanda. But whatever's going on with you, is starting to show. And it ain't 'fine'." Before Rollins had a chance to respond, the person she wanted to see more than anything, interrupted.
"Hey Fin," Olivia's eyes were on the file in her hands, as she walked into the media room. "Can I see your notes on the Kelsey Baldwin case—" she looked up from the folder. Not expecting to see those, blue eyes locked on her. "Oh, I didn't uh—know you were busy. Sorry to interrupt." After gathering herself, Liv addressed the male detective. "Fin, when you're free, I'd like a minute. I need to run something by you." With that final statement, the detective left, headed back to her desk. Just before she got out of earshot, a timid voice stopped her.
"Wait… can I get a minute? To just uh, talk?" asked Amanda.
"No. You can't." The brunette was assertive and direct. Leaving the other detectives, temporarily speechless as she dismissed the question.
Fin witnessed the exchange and suddenly, everything made sense to him. "Mmhmm…still 'fine' huh?"
"Shut up." Amanda didn't have the energy for Fin's jokes. Her mind drifted back to, what happened the night before.
What really happened the night before…
"I'm trying to love you. All you have to do is let me…"
"Olivia, you don't mean that."
"Excuse me?"
"You don't mean—"
"No! Stop talking. You don't get to speak now. I do." Amanda was taken back with the tone and assertiveness of her partner. "I've been trying to show you how much you mean to me for a while now. But for some reason, you won't let me and I can't understand why. I mean, it's me. Me. You know me and I know you. We've shared so much but there's still a part of you that won't let me in."
"It's not like that."
The brunette kept talking, ignoring Amanda's words all together. "Aside from that, you haven't stopped to think about my feelings for one damn second! I have my own shit to sort out and deal with too, you know. This isn't easy for me either. Telling you that wasn't easy. Do you get that?"
Silence.
"It also wasn't how or when I wanted to tell you but I did. I put myself out there because it's truly how I feel. And your fuc—ahem. Your response was 'you don't mean that.' Really?!" Olivia was outdone and beyond pissed. Her usual, understanding and delicate touch with the other woman, took a back seat to anger.
Amanda's head was spinning. Between the admissions, anger and questions she'd been rendered silent. "I-I don't know what to say."
"What do you mean, you don't know what to say? Someone tells you that they're trying to love you but you won't let them and you don't have anything to say? I tell you how difficult it is for me and you still don't know what to say?!" That did it for Olivia. She began to gather her items in a fury. "I can't be here right now. I need to go."
"W-wait," she grabbed the brunette's arm before she passed by, headed towards the door. "Liv, stop. Don't leave, please. I don't want you to go."
"You don't know what the hell you want." With that last statement, Olivia shook loose of the grip on her arm. Headed out of the door.
"Liv no! Please just—"
"Just what?"
Without warning, Amanda pulled the disgruntled woman, against the wall and crashed their lips together. The sudden kiss, took Olivia by surprise. The bold move, temporarily shut down Liv's protests, which allowed her to be in the moment. Normally, the passion and emotion of the kiss would be more than enough to ease the brunette's worries. However, words seemed to be desired even more than flesh.
Olivia broke away from the kiss, even though her body objected. "No. You do not get to kiss me like that again. You don't. Not until…until, you figure out what the hell you want."
With that last statement, Olivia exited her partner's apartment. Amanda pounded on the door when it closed, with her fist out of frustration. "Fuck!" The evening definitely didn't go as she'd planned. What upset her even more was that, she felt exactly the same way. However, fear and uncertainty crippled her in the worst way possible, which infuriated her. The detective grabbed her gun and phone, then headed out the door.
Across the city, Olivia had made it back to her apartment, beyond frustrated. Even though she was angry, it took a backseat to the hurt and pain. The pain of putting it all on the line, just to get rejected… Well, not reject but just as well. Even though Liv knew that the feelings were mutual, it still hurt. Maybe even a little more because Amanda still didn't feel comfortable enough to say the words. Olivia dwelled on that fact for just a minute before her phone, thankfully, put a halt to the self-pity.
"Detective Benson."
"Liv hey, it's me. Sorry to call so late."
"Oh, hey... I didn't recognize the number."
"I know, long story. You got a minute?"
"Uh, yeah sure."
"I always do this, Brooke. And I don't know why because I do, ya know? I feel the same way but I just don't know—"
"Oh my god, Amanda, she's perfect! Stop whatever it is you're doing. Just stop it!" Exclaimed the overly involved bartender. She'd become the blonde's sounding board, when she needed to get stuff off her chest. Or when she wanted to drink away her problems without judgment.
"I know…"
"She was right. You're scared."
"No, it's not that. Well, maybe…no, I'm not scared. I just don't know how to—"
"Accept her love because you feel like you don't deserve it but you do, Amanda. You do and so does she. Think about her and how she must be feeling. She put herself out there and you? You left her hanging. That's effed up and Olivia deserves better than that."
Rollins stopped mid sip, to look at the bartender who was busy wiping down the counter. Unaware of her words' effect. The blunt but also sincere delivery, struck a nerve. Olivia deserves better. Everything seemed to make sense and fall into place. It took a stranger-ish, to reiterate the simple words, for them to really sink in. Amanda put down her glass and addressed the unbeknownst, inspirational woman.
"Thanks, Brooke." The detective didn't wait for a response. She threw down some bills and rushed toward the exit. Her inebriated state, produced a boldness, fueled by liquid courage. That's why instead of heading home, she gave the taxi driver, Olivia's address. She needed to get something off her chest and no other time seemed better than the present. After the short ride, Rollins entered her partner's building. Embolden by the liquid courage, she knocked on the door.
"Amanda, what are you—"
"I love you, Olivia. And yes, before you ask I'm drunk. I am, but that doesn't change how I feel. It just makes it easier to say. I love you and have for some time now."
Olivia stood there silently. Staring and absorbing the words of the beautiful mess of a woman before her. The anger that caused the detective to flee away earlier, dissipated when she saw the raw and vulnerable blonde. Saying all of the words, Liv wanted to hear. Just not while, Amanda was three sheets to the wind.
"Ahem…Liv?"
Oh, shit.
And definitely not while someone else listened.
"Uh yeah. I uh… I'm going to hang up now."
"Y-yeah, we'll talk tomorrow, Nick. Bye." Olivia quickly ended the call. Not that it mattered, because he'd heard everything. Everything. It took a while for Amanda to piece together what'd just transpired. When she finally caught up, mortification coursed through her body. Before she got completely worked up, Liv intervened.
"Wait, take a breath. Good, now get in here." The brunette ushered the shocked woman into her apartment.
"I told you that he's obsessed."
"Stop, forget about that. What you said—"
"I mean it, Liv."
"For how long? Until the booze wears off?" Olivia couldn't suppress her frustration but she also didn't want to keep snapping at her partner. "I'm sorry, it's just—"
"I'm a mess, I know."
"So am I! That's what you keep forgetting, Amanda. I'm a mess too. We're both a mess. The difference is, I don't dismiss your feelings just because I don't know how to handle them."
Amanda's inebriation didn't shield her from Liv's sobering words. It was the truth, plain and simple. As were hers. "You're right. You're absolutely right. My words, they don't mean much to you right now. I get that, I do. So, I going to go."
Internally, Olivia wanted to protest but her exterior just wouldn't let her. "Ok."
Before Amanda exited, she stopped to ask for one last request from exhausted brunette. "Don't give up on me, Liv. Not yet…"
85% of this was written intoxicated, the other 15% hungover. Excuse mistakes, hope you enjoy.