Olivia was pacing back and forth in the cribs when she heard Amanda's laugh and voice bellowing through the hallway. Well, at least she's in a good mood, thought the brunette. There was a lump rising in her throat and she wasn't sure how she was going to break the news but Olivia was determined to stand there and own her decision. She just hoped that it wouldn't cost her everything that meant so much to her.
"Hey you," Amanda was still laughing as she shut the door behind her. "Fin is in rare form today. He's making the rookies' life hell and I'm loving every single second of it." More laughter followed her statement, that was until she noticed Olivia's demeanor. "Hey, you don't look so well, you o—"
"I'm going undercover with Nick in three days," it all came out in a rushed breath.
Silence.
Silence.
And more silence.
Olivia couldn't take it anymore. "Amanda? Amanda, did you hear me? Say something, please."
Silence.
Silence.
And more silence.
"Yo, Liv the Captain is ready for the briefing. Oh—" Amaro finally looked up and noticed that Olivia wasn't in the cribs alone. "I-I'm sorry. I'll leave you two alo—"
"Don't bother, we're done here." That was the only thing Amanda had uttered since hearing the shocking news. After saying that, she stormed past Nick headed back into the squad room.
Olivia felt deflated after that assertion. She expected yelling, anger, fighting, something, anything but not that. Whatever that was didn't feel good. It felt definite, absolute and final. Olivia's head was spinning, she felt faint but she had to pull it together. Nick was still at the door watching her every move and there was also a squad full of cops waiting on their briefing. She'd always been an expert compartmentalizer and she'd have to tap into that special talent now.
"Liv? Liv?! You good?" inquired Amaro. He didn't know all of the ins and outs of his colleague's relationship but what he did know was that he needed his partner focused. And at the present moment, focused isn't the word he'd use to describe his typically reliable partner.
"Y-yes, I'm good. Give me a sec. I'm right behind you, just…" she paused, the emotion was rising in her throat. "Just give me a second please, Nick."
"Of course." Nick closed the door but he didn't leave. He rested his head on the door leading into the cribs. He desperately needed to get himself in check before their undercover sting also. His conflicting feelings towards Olivia had him seriously doubting if they were going to be able to do their job effectively. Before he could get lost into his own thoughts, he nearly fell forward when the door that he was resting his head on suddenly opened. "Whoa!"
Liv's quick reflexes stopped him from toppling forward. "Careful! I've got you. Come on, let's do this."
"After you," Nick stepped aside to let her lead the way.
When Olivia stepped back into the squad room, her eyes scanned for partner. When she didn't see her, she refocused her attention to the case displayed on the white board. Three late twenties, Hispanic male's photos were on display. With a photo of a tattoo, 'propiedad', on the back of each of their necks. The case was a rare one because the suspects were women. An exclusive, women's club was being used as a front to prey on and pimp out younger, undocumented, Hispanic men. The case landed on their desks when one of their former victim's sister came in making claims about her brother being caught up in something 'bad' that he couldn't get out of.
Luisa Mendoza was responsible for landing one of the most baffling cases on the 1-6's desks. Her brother, Juan was twenty-nine, undocumented and had, according to Luisa, changed ever since he began working at an all female club named 'La Dama'. Luisa decided to report when Juan came home one day and she saw his back covered in welts. After a lot of cajoling from his sister and Amaro, Juan had finally decided to spill all of the secrets and to help bring down the predators. Including his own companion, Julie. It took Amaro explaining to Juan that what Julie was doing wasn't love and that it was a crime. That's when Juan explained and told Nick everything, he would need to infiltrate the exclusive club. Olivia would play his dama and Nick would be her propiedad. Satisfied and on board with the plan, Captain Cragen approved the undercover assignment.
Dr. Huang was in the middle of his analysis of the female perpetrators when Amanda re-entered the squad room. Her color was even more pale than usual and her head was pounding. So much information had been thrust upon her, it was difficult to keep up with it all. What she did know was that Olivia would be gone, undercover with fucking Amaro for God knows how long and she hated every bit of it. Before she could get completely lost in her thoughts, the mention of her name snapped her back into this cruel reality.
"Rollins will be the in between person. Use your burners to reach out to her if you need to get in contact with us," Cragen explained.
"Yes sir," Nick responded as he looked at the younger detective. He could only imagine what she was thinking. He didn't know all of the ins and outs of his partner and the blonde's relationship, but he knew enough to know she was pissed with the undercover arrangements.
"Rollins? Rollins, did you hear me?" asked Cragen.
"Y-yes, sir. I'm the in between woman, I've got it," assured the detective.
Olivia was dying internally. All she wanted to do was grab Amanda and get her out of there so they could talk. She just needed her to know that they would get through this temporary halt in their future plans. To reassure her that they were still solid and still a unit, despite having to live with Amaro undercover. After the briefing finished, the squad got back to work. DD5's awaited Benson, while Rollins and D'Antoni were out following up on leads. The seasoned detective was counting down the seconds until she and her partner were off so they could finally talk. When the clock struck 6:00pm, she grabbed her things and headed straight to her girlfriend's apartment.
"Hey," Olivia entered Amanda's apartment with her key.
"Hey yourself," Amanda was sitting on the couch, glass of whiskey in hand, catching up on her reality shows.
And she's drinking, great. "You didn't come back to the station when you and D'Antoni wrapped up."
"My Housewives were calling me," dryly replied the southerner.
"Kim and NeNe can wait, ok? We need to talk…"
"What is there to talk about now? You've already made your decision without even thinking about me, so why do you care to hear what I think about it now?!" Amanda finished her drink, then jumped to her feet headed to the kitchen for a refill. She felt those intense brown eyes locked onto her every move. "And don't give me that look, alright? This is my first drink in like forever."
True. Olivia swallowed her worries for now, "Honey, I'm so sorry—"
"Did you even think of me for a single second? Hmm? I thought we were in this together? Moving forward in our future together? Guess that was all just bullshit, huh?"
"Of course not! I didn't ask for this, Amanda. I walked into the Captain's office to tell him about my plans to take the Sergeant's exam. And then he hit me with this op. I didn't even know Nick had been working on this. I had all of thirty seconds to make a decision. If I would've known before, you know I would have discussed it with you."
Amanda couldn't argue with sensible logic but she was mad and more than that, she was scared. She remembered the last time her and Olivia were apart. After waking up in the hospital alone, Olivia's goodbye letter awaited her. The weeks that followed were not pretty, to say the least. Insecurity, fear and doubt racked the young detective's mind.
"Remember what happened the last time you were undercover?" Amanda's tone sent a chill up her partner's spine.
"Seriously? I can't believe this," Olivia said incredulously. She continued, "Of all people, I thought you'd get why I needed to do this. But instead, you're throwing up one of my biggest career failures in my face? Wow."
"What? No! You did not fail me! We survived. I wasn't talking about him attacking us. I'm talking about the other stuff. The us stuff…" Amanda let that linger for a while, while Olivia caught up. The light went off in her dark eyes and the blonde knew they were back on the same page, then she continued. "There wouldn't be an us, if we weren't forced to live together as a couple for months. And now, you're going under again as a couple, with someone else. Wh-what if you two…" Amanda couldn't even finish the sentence. That possibility was just too much for her.
"No," Olivia walked over to her so they were face to face. "Honey, look at me. I'm with you. I only want you. I love you."
"And I love you too. It's just—"
"I know. I know…it's a lot," Olivia pulled Amanda in for a much-needed hug. They stayed like that for a while, releasing some of the earlier tension in the room. However, Amanda still had one burning question that she just couldn't shake. She debated on if she should even bring it up, but it would eat away at her if she didn't. After releasing her partner, she spoke up.
"I have to ask this or I'll drive myself freakin' crazy."
"What is it?"
"Do you remember the first time we…you know?"
Olivia smiled at the unexpected change of topic. "Yes, I definitely remember…"
"Well, the morning after that night Nick came by." Olivia's smile quickly faded as she remembered that unpleasant encounter with her other partner. The blonde continued, "I overheard you two. Some of it was muffled but I caught most of it. You said, 'Nick, you promised me' and he said, 'I know'. What was that about?"
Fuck. Olivia really didn't want to rehash all of that drama, especially considering the subject matter and the fragility of her relationship at the moment. Lying could easily bypass some unpleasantness but looking into those pleading blue eyes, the truth is all she could offer up. Fuck.
"Ok, I need you to let me get it all out before you say anything ok? Please."
Amanda tensed up immediately. She knew that whatever her gf was about to say, she wasn't going to like it. "Ok."
Olivia sighed deeply, closed her eyes and then spilled. "So, about two weeks after I was released from the hospital after the attack."
Yeah, when you abandoned me while I was concussed. Go on.
"I met Nick one night. He called and said he really needed to talk."
I bet he did. What did that asshole 'really' need to talk about?
"He had just been blindsided by Maria serving him divorce papers. He was a wreck. Looked like he'd been up for days, had been drinking. Just really messed up."
Mmmhmmm. Get to the fucking point.
"Well, I met him on the river. He talked and I listened. And he started to feel a little better after just having someone listen, you know? We stood up to leave, we hugged and then—"
Then, what?!
"Ahem, then he leaned in to kiss me…"
I fucking knew it! That son of a bitch!
"But!" Olivia quickly added, "I stopped him immediately. He was embarrassed. I was embarrassed. He promised it wouldn't be an issue moving forward and that's all of it."
Silence.
Silence.
And more silence.
I should have lied.
I wish she would've lied.
Oof.