I can feel it. The heat, the radiation. Even on top of the tallest building in the commonwealth, the effect is still the same. I watched the explosion of the institute take place. All of the commonwealths fears were laid to rest in my one motion. I caused their downfall. I killed the kidnappers, murderers, and synth enthusiast of the commonwealth. I should be celebrating. But, I'm not. All I feel is the heat. All I feel is the radiation. All I feel, is the guilt. Not only do I feel guilty for murdering innocent lives, but I feel angered at my decision to kill my son along with them.

I tried to reason with him. Told him that he could live with me. That we could be a family again. That I could tell him about before the war. About how things were better. But, he refused. He looked at me with so much disgust, hating me for what I had decided to do. And now, I hate myself for it.

"Paladin." Elder maxson said.

I shakily turned around and looked at him.

"Good work. Now the commonwealth can be free from the menace that was known as the institute. But that does not mean that our job here is done. We have much to do here still." He pauses. He looks at me and I can almost spot the look of sympathy in his eyes, but then, his look hardens a little. "But, We can discuss such matters at another time. Why don't you get some rest and patch yourself up. Come and find me when you're ready." He says. He nods his head in my direction and salutes me in silence. He gets into a vertibird and flies in the direction of the predwyn.

I turn around and look at the smoldering crater that was the old c.i.t. Building, Otherwise known as the institute, My son's false home. I advert my gaze away from the crater and make my way to the elevator. I push the button that will take me to the ground floor and wait for it's slow decent. The elevator jolts and slowly makes it's way back to the earth.

The memories come rushing back. Me and nate getting married. Him getting sent off to war. Me finding out that I was pregnant a week later. Me having my son in the absence of my husband. Bringing shaun back to an empty house. Nate coming home and seeing him for the first time. The smile on his face was as wide and as bright as the sun. Shaun giggling at nate making funny faces at him. The morning before the bombs dropped, nate wanted me and shaun to go to the park with him. He loved us so much.

What would he think of my decision to kill our son?

I come back to reality and see that I had sunken to the floor and tears were rolling down my face.

What have I done?

I hoist myself off of the floor. Synth components and dead brotherhood soldiers litter the floor. When I pass a fallen brother or sister, I take their holotags and salute them to remember and honor their service and contribution to this battle. I leave the building and get in a vertibird waiting for me outside. I tell them to take me to sanctuary, my home, and drop me off there.

We touch down in sanctuary and I jump off of the vertibird. I wave to the lancer and he takes off. I walk down the street and people look to me in anticipation. I look to the ground as I walk and don't look them in the eyes. I am looking for one person and I know exactly where to find him. I walk to the trading depot at the circle and head to the bar. I see robert maccready sitting at a barstool having a conversation with the bartender. I head over to the bar and lean against it looking to just the man I need right now. The bartender.

"Bourbon please." I say and loom to the counter. He nods and turns to the shelves behind him.

"So, i'm guessing it didn't go well?" Robert asks.

I sigh and shake my head no.

The bartender returns and is about to pour it in a glass. I place my hand over the glass and shake my head, "leave it." I say. He nods and places the bottle on the counter.

I pay the bartender and take my bottle. I walk to my house, my mind racing with shame. I walk inside and slowly make my way to the bedroom but fall short at the sight of my baby boy's old room. It's ruined now. The crib is falling apart, parts of the wall are missing, but have been renovating it in the hopes of finding my baby and bringing him home.

I fall to my knees and look at the ruined baby room. Old toys are placed on the decrepit shelves on the wall. A baby blue rug with rockets on it is placed under the crib and a chair is in the corner. I fumble to my feet and walk into the room and pick up the teddy bear from the shelf.

"What are you doing on the floor mr.bear?" I hear nate say in my head.

I throw the bear across the room and turn to the shelves and start to tear the toys from the shelf and onto the floor. I flip the chair in the corner and finally push the crib over on it's side before finally falling to the floor and breathing heavily. I fumble through my things before finding the holotape labeled 'anniversary'. I put it in my pip-boy and hit

'No, little fingers away...there we go.' I hear nate's voice say. 'Hi honey. Look, I don't think shaun and I need to tell you how great of a mother you are. You are kind, and loving, and funny, that's right, and patient, so patient. Patience of a saint, as your mother used to say.

Look, with all of us at home together, it's been an amazing year. But even so I know our best days are yet to come. There will be changes, sure. I'll rejoin the civilian work force and you'll shake the dust off your law degree. But no matter what we do, no matter how hard, we do for our family.

Now, shaun can you say bye bye? Say bye bye." Nate asks and shaun giggles. "Haha. Bye honey. We love you." He says and the recording cuts off.

We do for our family.

I hear those words play over and over in my head as I watch the explosion replay. Robert appears in the doorway and kneels down in front of me, carefully watching my movements.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks.

"No." I say expressionless. I have no emotions. I should, I just don't. I feel empty. All of the loss of everything I once had hits me all at once, and my body and mind cannot process it all.

"Okay. Well why don't you lay down and rest. You need it." He says.

"Get out please." I say quietly.

"What?" He asks confused.

"Just get out." I say.

He remains silent for a moment and then walks over to me placing a hand on my shoulder, "come find us when you're ready." He says and leaves the room.

I'm alone now. Just me and my thoughts. What do you do after you win a war? Celebrate? Cry? Go insane? Sit and rot? This must have been what it felt like for Nate when he came home, and I'm mad I couldn't help him. I just didn't know how.

--

I wake up not even remembering falling asleep. I wipe my eyes and see that the sun has barely risen. I get up and walk into my bedroom and just stare for a moment. Flashes of the morning before the bomb hit my eyes. Nate and I woke up to crying. Him and I rose to calm Shaun down and gave him his bottle. He fell asleep soon after and we showered together. His handsome face haunts me now. I take the ring hanging from my neck by a chain off and leave it on the nightstand. I walk out of the door and don't look back.

Where am I going? I'm not quite sure. But, what I do know is that I need some time to think. So i'll walk until I cannot walk anymore. I'll wander the wastes looking for my purpose in this world and hopefully, my redemption. Hopefully, I can find it within myself to forgive myself for what I have done.

But war...war never changes...

————

Hello, I don't want to do a lot of authors notes because I myself find them annoying if they're at the end of each chapter, but I need to address this only once.

I took a *very* long break from writing fan fiction obviously. In my time away I enlisted in the military and finished my contract. Now, with a newer, fresh, and more mature perspective I want to revisit these and finish them. I don't want to do a lot of fan fiction, but I at least want to revise these and make them so much better so I will be changing this quite a bit. The version before this had romance and I just don't think it'll fit the narrative. Maybe a romance later on, but I don't want to focus completely on that in this one. Only if it enhances the story or something like that. I want this story to be about self redemption and her finding who she is after everything that happened. I want her to find her strength on her own.

As for myself, I am probably going to stray away from fan fiction a bit because I want to write something that is just mine. So, I have an experimental idea where the reader chooses what happens throughout the story and changes the outcome. It's an idea in the video game world obviously, but I've never seen it done in a book. It's called Atomic Exiles under my other account Harv2189. It's in the very early stages as of 20230108, but you are more than welcome to check it out and see what you think.

If you're reading this, thank you for your patience I hope you enjoy this story.