Fandom: Gravitation / グラビテーション
Title: Creating Infinity.
Pairing: Ryuichi x Tatsuha
Rating: PG-13
Description: (sequel to "Things don't last forever.") Tatsuha receives a surprise on White Day that he never expected to get.
Disclaimer – Gravitation belongs to the fabulous Murakami Maki-sensei!
Creating Infinity.
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 7 – One more day.
"Tatsuha…Tatsuha…"
Ryuichi hovers over me with his breath lightly scratching my ears as I slowly wake up. Adjusting himself, small tinkles of chains ring when he sits up straight.
Navigating through tiredness, my mind tries to sync with the situation before me. The instant I see him fully dressed to leave, my head stabs itself to alert mode.
What's going on?
"Going morning." He reaches out to touch my bangs, tenderly running his fingers through them.
"If you do that, I'll go back to sleep. Mmm," I tease.
"I have to go, Tatsuha."
"Why?"
Ryuichi stops and cups my cheek, giving an uncertain expression that makes my stomach crush itself inside out.
"Tohma is picking me up. I need to complete the song or else I won't make the deadline."
"Then what happens after that?"
Didn't we finally understand one another?
Taking my hands, he presses my palms onto his face and we're touching forehead to forehead. "Everything you've said 'til now, I needed to hear those words. They mean the world to me…"
Water touches my palms and I'm already beside myself. Ice sets into my skin.
This is worse than any of my fears.
"…but you need to think about all you're going to do-"
"I am."
He shakes his head. "I'd take you with me in a heartbeat, but will you regret me someday? I won't be able to face your father, sister, brother, and most of all, Tohma."
Sitting up against the wall to keep balance, I hold his forearms. "I told you about my resolve."
"When you're young, everything is conquerable." He sighs. "But you're good at what you do. I don't have to see everything to know that-"
"You told me you wouldn't let go of me."
"I'm not. I'm just giving you time to think."
"About what exactly?"
"What happens from here. I need to know you're absolutely sure."
"Do you doubt me, Ryuichi?"
He shakes his head as his tone aches, "Never."
"Then why are you now using my age as an excuse?"
"When I look at you, Tatsuha…"
My grip loosens and I feel nothing but the stifling, unsaid torture radiating from his being.
"…I'm my high school self with Tohma."
With eyes clenching, he presses his upper and lower lips together. "It's hard to explain, but it hurts to stay with him. It's excruciating to be without him. Either way is hard because I know he doesn't see me the way I see him.
He never will. That door's closed forever."
So this is what Nee-chan meant. But somehow, I always knew.
"I can't do it again. This time, it will surely crush me."
The true Ryuichi is very fragile.
This is the innocence you tried to protect. And he actually has no inkling about how you feel about him, Tohma…
"So think about it. I'll be waiting no matter how long it takes."
His phone goes off. "I have to really go now."
How can I prove myself against that?
"What else do you want?" I pinch the turquoise viscose rayon sleeve and rub it with my thumb.
Why are you doing this?
"I was thinking about it while reading through your journals." Cupping his hand over mine, he turns around to untangle my fingers and steps away.
He can't look at me anymore because he can't lie.
"Do you really need 'me', Tatsuha? Or are you in love with the concept of 'Ryuichi'?"
My mouth opens but it's dry, so parched that marbles threaten to roll down my throat to choke it. Paralyzed, one poke and I'm ready to crack.
This is counterintuitive. Shouldn't you hold on and persist to keep what you never want to let go of in the first place?!
"I hope you'll find your answer."
Kissing my cheek, the water from his face brushes against mine.
Ryuichi leaves and I slump in a boneless heap. The birds are chirping outside and the crispy air brushes my feet and prickles my skin.
And just like a dream, the magic fades away.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
I don't know when I drifted off to sleep, but again I face the emptiness before and inside me. Though I'm consciously awake, I can't move.
With the shades of daylight cutting through the windows, I force myself to feel some sense of urgency. I should be praying to my mother's picture at the butsudan and already dressed to open the temple, but all I want to do is stay in my room and lie here. Exhausted with an overflowing mind, my lethargic heart struggles to stay alive.
I can't let them down. Mrs. Negishi needs me to pray for her grandson and Mr. Saita wants to discuss about a text he recently came across. There are others who depend on my visits because I may be the only person to interact with them.
But who will comfort me?
There's no way I can ask Father, Nii-chan, or Onee-chan to solve my problems.
I've never felt so alone before, my spirit obliterated by the person I designated to sustain it.
It's not Ryuichi's responsibility though. Disappointed as I am, I should learn to pick myself up.
Rising from the bed, I rush to brush my teeth while pulling on my robes. Practicing my expressions in the mirror, I now embody what He sang in all his songs.
Today, I'll grow up.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Growl~!
Dismissively, I stare down at my stomach as soon as I arrive home to lean my back on the front door. Running my fingers through my hair, I sigh and actually feel my face muscles hurt.
It's too taxing to make something, but I'm not hungry anyway. Thank goodness that there's nothing else on my schedule because I can't handle it. More than anything, it kills me to fake a smile at our patrons.
My head slumps down in defeat.
"Oh good, you're home, Tatsuha. We can eat dinner together."
"Father!" I whip my head up. "Welcome back."
It's only then I notice his shoes right in front of me.
He smiles quietly and as we go down the hallway, he explains that his trip is successful.
I apologize inwardly that I'm not all there in our conversation. Instead, I puzzle over how he's different with each of us, especially when he used to coax Nii-chan about becoming heir and look for a fiancé. Or when he drilled Tohma about marrying my sister and how she fought with Father over the two of us.
And yet for me, he's always been strict with my studies but is the most lenient. He never said no if I wanted something, especially with Nittle Grasper.
Why didn't he ever tell me to stop admiring them? Surely he knew we'd fight over this someday.
How will I ever grow to my best self if I always focus on Ryuichi? How do I grow without a part of my soul?
When we reach the den, all my books are left in a neat stack on the table with a note on top. I glance over at the open veranda to see he's set up a small blanket and mini table to have dinner outside as the television plays in the background.
Insisting that I should help him, Father waves his hand and shakes his head.
I look back at the note when he goes into the kitchen. I'm scared to touch it.
But I walk over anyway and remain standing when I flip it open. All it says is:
"This is enough for me. I will never forget what you returned to me. Thank you. - Ryu"
My chest feels bare and raw, re-reading the words a couple of times.
Somehow, I expected you to sacrifice yourself. To be as generous as you always are so that I won't be disheartened. So that I carry on with my life when you cut yourself off from it.
You still don't understand a damn thing, Ryuichi! It's meaningless without you!
I crumple the papers in my fist, as precious as it is, and stuff it into my robe, almost wanting to shred it then and there.
It's still a wonder how you escaped this time because I let you walk out the front door.
The television interrupts my thoughts to shout, "And just in a few minutes, Nittle Grasper's new single will debut right here on Ongaku Station! So stay tuned!"
Ignoring the tv, Father passes me with two trays of fresh tempura to place next to the kamaage udon he'd bought from Miyazaki. I follow him and we both sit down to say grace to eat dinner.
"It's funny how fast time is sometimes, isn't it?" He takes glimpses of the tv.
"Hmm?" Slurping away, the digital cheers grate on my nerves.
"Once upon a time when you were five, I asked you what you wanted for your birthday."
"I remember." I cough awkwardly and wipe my mouth, feeling my stomach caving in. "I wanted to go to a Nittle Grasper concert."
Though it's delicious, I've got no appetite.
"Even if you were going to ruin your ears, I didn't go, but you went with your sister. I wondered what kind of parent lets their kindergartner and teenage daughter go to a rock concert unsupervised. Even your brother bothered to sit in the car reading to wait for the both of you. All the while I regretted that I should have bought a ticket for myself."
"Why didn't Onee-chan ask Tohma?"
"You know how she is. She wanted to buy it herself. I think that was around the time he probably told her about himself because afterwards, they were inseparable."
I know it's unfair to say they're lucky when I know their troubles, especially how hard it was to conceive my nephew, but still...I'm foolishly jealous and mad at all my siblings.
Putting my chopsticks down, I sigh.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm sorry but my stomach is weird right now."
Concerned, he's more perplexed when I get up. I never leave when Ryuichi's on. In our household, it was established a long time ago that whenever they were on, there were no arguments over what channel we'd be watching or I'd wail ceaselessly.
"Aren't you-"
I shake my head, on the verge of wanting to throw up.
"Your sister told me Ryuichi visited here."
Without meaning to be rude, I give him a wry expression. "Yes."
I don't know how to explain anything to do with him. Or what happened yesterday.
There's too much…and nothing too.
All my past accumulated into spending a day with him.
Holding my stomach, I excuse myself.
One foot on the veranda and one still stuck inside the outdoor slipper, Father says after me, "You know I never asked you why you liked him."
Wow, we're really going to have this discussion now?
"Yes, but it doesn't matter. Eventually I've got to get over my crush on him, right? I don't know how you put up with it when I trained to be this." I hold my robe out.
"Do you really want to continue?"
"Yes, I do. Our patrons need us. And of course, I love you, Father," I hang my head though I'm nauseous. "But I can't let go of him. That's the only thing I can't give up."
Tears begin to burn my eyelids.
My sister, my brother and I won't take over? Impossible! But…
"You know what I discovered yesterday when he visited? After all this time I agonized over that, he decided for me. He told me to forget him. I don't have to worry about it anymore." I laugh uncomfortably.
But the water droplets threaten to fall and I turn away. I can't even face my own father. It's like I'm lying for both our sakes.
"Can you?" Father questions.
"Dad…" I bury my face into my hands, no longer feeling anything in my body. "…it's hard to breathe even at the thought."
"In a fairy tale, everything's laid out. Hard work is always rewarded and all loose ends are tied up.
And even in my dreams, I know I can't ever reach some places, but him…I never doubted I'd be able to touch the sky! That'd I'd reach his feet even if I had to grovel up the steps of any temple!"
"Do you know why I never told you to stop?"
"Why?"
"Because honestly, it's hard to find the one thing you'll devote yourself to. You found yours very early."
"But-"
"And if you have this much faith, why did you break down because of what he told you?"
"I…I just didn't expect that after he accepted my confession, he'd leave anyway."
After he told me he'd never let go of me.
"Has he? Is that the extent of your conviction?"
I don't reply.
Accept that this is reality, Tatsuha.
The nationwide debut for the theme of my movie starts. Out of reflex, my head points to the tv.
And somehow, from the first note and every angle, I sense this is meant for me.
As opposed to other times where the music pumped with the lights flashing, one white spotlight lights up. I'm taken aback to see Ryuichi not only in front of a grand piano, but performing live instead of a music video. His solemn face contrasts the off the shoulder shirt in pink, black, yellow, and white vertical stripes and white jeans with slash rips going down the knees to the ankles.
My heart is already fluttering and ready to be taken away all over again.
Why do I do this to myself over and over…
When will I EVER learn?
A second light, this time midnight blue, beams over Tohma as his chin presses into the violin and leans over, synchronizing with Ryuichi.
In pure silence, like I heard in the car, His voice wraps itself over me with the background screen shining with starry crystals.
What have I been
waiting all this time
holding my breath
while suffocating?
And if I count
the painful seconds
where does my hope
disappear off to?
I completely blank out with goosebumps all over my arms, caught in the trance as a rose spotlight showcases Noriko nodding with the synthesizer.
It must be true faith
To climb so blindly
Even as I lose pieces of me
I want to believe
With all of my heart
That dreams come true even in our lies.
Maybe…we will never meet.
Yet, it's the one thing keeping me alive.
I've nothing left to lose.
Maybe I will fly and break
Falling back to earth and learn my limits
But I still want this dream.
He presses on the pedals, the soft and powerful movements of his fingers show with all their silver rings and he looks up with sweat dotting his forehead. Laying it all out on the line, this time the barrier slowly opens…
Of a world peaceful with warmth and no self-doubts
To be able to love you properly too…
Yes you,
Though you may not believe it
Many times I've kissed you inside my head,
Embraced you until my arms and your ribs hurt.
It's true,
I want to belong somewhere.
Yes, they're delusions
Killing me daily.
You don't know it's all I really want.
You've kept me alive
Pulled me from dying
When dreams fade as soon as I touch them.
The gentleness breaks into shouting out with certitude. I can't tell which is which as all their separate voices (violin, piano, synthesizer, His yearning) blend into one.
Yet, it's the one thing keeping me alive.
I've nothing left to lose.
Maybe I will fly and break
Falling back to earth and learn my limits
But I still want this dream!
Noriko and Tohma stop as the piano continues on with bursts of feathers floating down the screen, touching a mermaid's fin against the sea.
Even now,
I know I tore my own wings
Crashing with
Eyes wide open to the blue
Beautiful.
I have no regrets, my love.
They all play once more and Ryuichi pushes the seat, standing as his profile gazes forlornly at the piano keys.
Maybe I've flown too far
Burning my skin and bones to grab the sun
But I'll still cling onto this dream.
Maybe…we will never meet.
Yet, you're the one thing keeping me alive.
I've everything to lose.
I've finally found what
I've been searching for.
Magically, these beloved
broken pieces
fly all on their own.
The lights suddenly switch off and it's a commercial break.
My father says nothing while I'm feeling broken and healed even if it makes no sense.
"Is it okay for me to grab my dream?" I close my eyes and turn around. For the first time, I openly sob in front of my father.
"Yes," he says while patting my head and then points his chin to the doorway.
Shuichi and Nii-chan are standing before us.
Nii-chan clears his throat. "C'mon, you're wasting time."
Shuichi runs to pull my wrist and salutes Father. "Thanks for calling us to pick him up!"
My dad nods as we rush to the car.
"Both of you are being stupid!" Shuichi hits my head as soon as I buckle up. "Ryuichi-sama was mumbling about-"
"Ow!" Shuichi grimaces as he rubs the top of his head.
"You! Sit down!"
I chortle at their exchange and the car's in full throttle.
"Says he's going back to the US and leaves an SD card for you." Shuichi grabs my hand.
"But what about the tv?"
"Taped earlier today. Anyway, take good care of this!"
"Shu! You need to sit down."
"I still need to give him the envelope!"
"You can do that with your ass on the seat!"
My laughter fills the backseat. Shuichi places his hand on the back of his head and blows a raspberry at Nii-chan. My brother gives a little smirk and coughs.
I open the envelope. "When did you-"
"Need you ask another dumb question?" Nii-chan adjusts his mirror. "Who else?"
"Tohma-san," both Shuichi and I say in unison.
"We're bringing you to the shinkansen and you'll be able to arrive about the same time as him in LA. Your tickets should be in there too."
"Just plug it into the laptop back there," Shuichi points to the slot for me. "By the way, that belongs to Mika-san."
"Oh?" I'm surprised but don't ask questions as the headphones cover my ears.
A folder pops up. The SD not only has the soundtrack for my novel, but demos as well. There is a long list of mp3s with just dates on them. When I click on the first one, it is titled, "February 17th, 200X."
"Dear Tatsuha." There is a nervous sigh in between my ears.
Are these voice letters?
"I know you'll never get these, but I need to talk to you anyway. I went back to Santa Monica Beach a few days after you left. Maybe I shouldn't have. It made me miss you more.
Just what do you want? What do you like about me?
When I steeled off my heart, this was easier to endure, but the loneliness has meaning now. It's deeper than before.
Even with Tohma calling me, I refuse to answer the phone so we've been playing tag. He doesn't give up and I don't want to rely on him as I always have.
I have to grow up, but here I'm stuck anyway.
No matter how many years it's been, I'm still planted to one place. That's what I realized while standing on the pier looking out into the ocean.
I'm afraid of being left alone. I'm afraid of you knowing the real me.
Love you.
-Ryuichi"
+/+/+/+/+/+/+
"June 5th, 200x.
Dearest Tatsuha,
I've found a wonderful book! I'm sorry I haven't written for a long time. I needed to be by myself, but Tohma was annoying and pushed his way in here. I didn't say anything, but he could feel I was dying.
Like before, he just sat on the floor with his arms wrapped around me as I quietly sobbed like an abandoned kid. The 'me' he'd met so long ago.
I didn't want to bother him, but he told me, "Please stay alive. For both our sakes." He was probably reliving the time he ran to the bathroom to find his father about to slit his throat with his mother's family dagger. Or probably when I'd tried to tear my body apart on purpose…yeah. He'd bear it, but here I was breaking promises again.
'I'm holding on…' I'd sheepishly said to him. He knew better.
He brought me to my other happy place: The bookstore. But this book…this character is me. It's been so long since I felt the urge to speak up. The light started to peek through. Colors changed from monochrome to pastel to acrylic and oil to vivid, so precise I saw images again.
The hurt dusted them over, clamped in their dirt.
But I know it's you. I don't have the words yet, but you're calling for me.
I'll believe this and start to reach out for you. Bleed and flood into your consciousness. I'll reconstruct myself.
Love and miss you always.
-Ryu"
+/+/+/+/+/+/+
"December 13th, 200X
Hello again, Tatsuha,
I don't know why, but after not creating for months, the songs burst forth. The images, their stories unfold but I can't catch up with most of them. They're bubbles plump to float, but ready to pop anytime and I try to treasure them, but there are too many slipping away.
I own all of Tsurugi Kana's books, but I know it's you. Your voice comes to mind whenever I read them and I'm filled until I'm on the floor drawing my own universe, matching colors with notes and words. Racing to reach where you are…
'Time counts backwards. I don't know why I felt it slipping the moment we met. And everything afterwards became more valuable.' This is my favorite line from all your novels.
But these are also the others I stuck onto my bedroom walls to keep me motivated:
'I may be screaming from my heart with all my might, but can you really hear me? What I say and what I do are at odds. Yet, they are still me.'
'Once lost, they can never be recovered. They transform. If it returns, it's a miracle. You don't deserve it. It loves you too much to come back.'
'The truth differs from person to person. The only way we know it's true is if it connects and heals us.'
'Strength of mind plus the limitless of the soul is nothing less than invincibility.'
'Fear is love unfurled and unfulfilled. It still has the potential to become more. To be your friend with unrivaled strength. And yet it's still you.'
'I'm afraid of silence sometimes. My thoughts tear to shreds and they will expect me to smile.'
'Why don't I have a place to breathe? Leave me alone. I invited loneliness, and even then, I still have myself. Are you my enemy or my friend? I'm both to myself.'
I've lived this long, but sometimes, I think you're older with much more knowledge of this world. You must live various lives through your patrons. How many do you save? How many do you regret?
Who appeases you, Tatsuha?
Those who don't create, they don't understand the small deaths you've to endure and spread like a dish to serve to others. Whether they vomit or eat heartily is out of our hands.
Why did you tell me about your dilemma? It's like looking at myself. Now that you posed it to me, I'm no longer satisfied with anything.
I want to smash the box I built for myself.
Long ago, I'd wanted to escape their grasps only to bind myself to my own trick safe.
I want to see you. I'm afraid I'm closing inside all over again.
And I'll no longer care.
Love you. Love you. Love you…
-Ryu"
+/+/+/+/+/+/+
Numerous letters after, I get to the last one.
"March 14th, 200X. Los Angeles. *laughs*
Hi Tatsuha!
Tohma mentioned an audition. I'm going to join it. I'm starting from the bottom. They think I'll fail because I'm out of touch and older than the other candidates.
They'll soon swallow their words though. I'll never give up.
As long as someone's still listening and I'm enjoying myself, I'll keep singing. I never did this for money anyway.
This relieves the bitterness. The loneliness. The anger. And left in its place, in exchange, I can touch the deepest joy.
When the time comes to meet, will you recognize me? Will you come with me?
I too am weak, but together, I'm sure we can grip onto what few aspire for. Why am I so certain of this? Because you are you and I am myself.
Because I'm in love with you. Aishiteru.
Love always,
Ryu"
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Nii-chan and Shuichi drop me off and drive back to help Father with tasks around the temple as I wait for the shinkansen doors to open.
Why am I'm the only passenger waiting for this car?
Bsshht! Stepping inside, I'm dumbfounded by the person I see before me.
"Onee-chan…?"
The door promptly closes after me.
I kind of expected Tohma to be standing there…
"Tatsuha." She positions herself to kick me, but hugs me tightly instead.
"But what about Haruka?"
"Tohma's taking care of him right now." Her eyes become glaring marbles. "Why didn't you get here sooner?"
"Was I late for something?" I reply defensively, annoyance rising. "Of course I was doing my daily duties. The ones you and Nii-chan left to me. Remember those?"
"Touché." Her eyes close halfway.
The SD card in my pocket weighs ten pounds when I start to drag my legs.
Was I really doing the right thing? Why was did it appear as if I'd been the one who abandoned Ryuichi when it was the other way around?
Turning away, I head towards the exit, ready to step off in a few seconds. "Of all the people, I thought you'd be on my team, Nee-chan. Why's everyone so focused on Ryuichi and I'd been the one to give up? That's not fair."
She gives a disapproving sigh. "Can you live without Nittle Grasper?"
"Uh…I don't have quite a choice when you're married to one member and friends with the others." I scoff.
"Ryu-"
I stop walking as all my repressed anger comes to attack in one swoop. The station signals its departure. It's too late to escape now.
"He told me to figure out about living by myself. Isn't that a blatant rejection? I can live with it because he's right. In my mind, he's my cure-all."
Rrriiinggg~! The shinkansen bolts forward and we're stamped to the hallway.
"You're both hurting yourselves for each other."
"But how could I fight Him? I don't know what else to do!"
"Are you separating now?"
"He's integrated into the fabric of my whole being." I beat my chest with my eyes stinging. "Whatever is 'me' will die if I give up, especially him."
She smiles. "It's time you tell him that and not me."
I look at her dejectedly. "Why don't you ever stop me?"
"Years ago, you didn't stop me either." She gives me a cheerful grin.
"No, seriously…"
"Tatsuha, you act nonchalant and work hard like Eiri, but I'm the one who raised you. Didn't you know that you're the one who got me through everything as long as we listened to Nittle Grasper together? I'll cherish those moments to my dying day. They've sustained me from breaking down.
They keep me alive.
And now that you've met the real Ryuichi, you still adore and accept him as he is. I'm sure as much as you think he's pushing you away, he loves you just as much."
"How would you know that?"
I can't beat her when it comes to arguments. No wonder they're married.
"He…" I'm lost for words and truly confused. "You're getting my hopes up again, but what do you expect me to do? I've done all I could and said what I've always wanted to already."
"If you did, then why are you still frustrated?"
"Because it didn't reach him. I swallowed my pride to beg Tohma-san to help me, but even that didn't get far enough. What the hell will it take to get to this man?"
"That's just it." She pulls my hand and the car door opens so that we'll sit down at the first row of seats.
"What?"
She pats my cheek. "Ryuichi doesn't have any idea on how to proceed from here either."
"I kind of figured that out." I sigh and follow the lines of the floor.
He obsesses like a child and he's scared of himself.
I accept it without protest…There is no problem with him at all….
He still hasn't accepted all his selves though.
Yet, I'm more in love with him because of it.
She takes both of my hands in hers and squeezes them before she hugging me. "With Tohma, I have the same dilemma, Tatsuha."
Her voice is gentle, almost in a whisper.
"Tohma-san? When or how…?"
Pulling away, she stares at me in the eyes and I see a parallel window: Compassion.
Her voice vastly contrasts her expression.
Ah, so she's your guidepost, the same one that let me do as I'd wanted as long as it didn't hurt me, but if anyone tried anything, she'd kill them mercilessly.
That's why you're perfectly bound together.
I push my head onto her shoulder. "I need to find an answer that's my own and without his influence. Tohma's, yours, or Nii-chan's."
Gripping my shoulder, she shakes her head. "Oh Kamisama, you're all so stubborn."
"Birds of the same feather?" I laugh. "I know he posed that question to me out of fear. And now it's my turn to give a reply, to find what's been left unanswered in his heart for a long time."
"I want you two to be happy. And together if we can all help it."
"I'm sorry about the duties thing, Nee-chan. I didn't mean to hurt you with that."
She shakes her head. "Nope, I deserved that. You've taken care of things long enough. I'll make sure Eiri and I contribute something in the future."
Then I ask the problem that's ceaselessly gnawing through my brain. "What if he throws me aside again?"
Will I get up? I have to but-
Her laughter tickles my ears. "Don't you get that he's obsessed with you?"
I sit up and watch her with a bewildered expression. My ears prick up. "Huh?"
"He loves you nothing less than music itself."
"How?"
She taps my forehead with her index finger and grins widely.
"Before music. Before Tohma. Ryuichi's first love is books.
And he loves yours, which you made especially for him. No one would give that up so easily. Knowing it's a gift like no other. There's no greater gift than this for him…
Your soul attracts him."
She pulls my head to rest on her shoulder like when I was a kid.
"When I was in high school, there was a line of beakers when I went into the chemistry lab. There was a quiet boy sitting on one of the desks. Reading a book, I slipped past him to retrieve something from the closet. I'd forgotten my notes so I had to go back after volleyball practice…"
/"Hi," I greeted.
"Hello," he tipped his head shyly.
"Oh!" Pointing at the book, I exclaimed, "I love this book! I've read it several times to my little brothers. The older one wants to rewrite the ending for his own purposes and the younger one says he loves it as is."
"So one wants to change it, but the other wants to keep it as is?" A bemused smile reflected in his eyes and mouth.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you." I clutched onto my notebook.
"No, not all. Can I ask why the older one wanted to change it?"
"'Prince was stupid for being blind. I can't stand it.' Or so he says."
"And the younger?"
"He accepted she turned to sea foam. I…I didn't understand why, but then again, this is the same kid who's in love with rock music. No, scratch that, obsessed over Nittle Grasper."
The boy's left eyelid twitched. "Oh…"
"He can't go to sleep without listening to Sakuma-san."
Something welled up in me and I found myself crying in front of a total stranger, wiping my tears quickly.
"Are you all right?" He gave me tissue from his jacket pocket.
"My mother recently passed away. It's the only way he'll sleep."
"I…"
"Sorry, sorry. Thanks for the tissue."
"No, that's all right."
"Can I ask why that voice?"
"From the very moment he heard it, it filled him with such joy. There's no other way for me to describe it."
"Ah."
The stranger smiled in a melancholic sort of way.
"You listen too, right?"
"Yes," I smiled from ear to ear. "But the one I like is Seguchi-san. When he plays, I can hear a full prism of colors. I used to play koto so his sound is special compared to other players I've heard."
"Tohma, huh?" He nods to himself as if remembering something.
The door slides open. "Hey, Shigemi, I-Oh Uesugi-san, what are you doing here?"
"Just getting notes." I couldn't stop myself from blushing.
Shigemi-san's eyes ping-ponged between us and then he started to smirk.
"I'm picking this up so I'll see you later." He pulled on Shigemi's sleeve in a huff and that was that. I'd never seen my indifferent classmate perturbed.
"This…?" I stood there bemused at his choice of words.
The next week, my best friend Noriko introduced me to their secret. When I formally 'met Ryuichi' when I went to see Nittle Grasper at one of their earliest performances in a live house, I thought his manner reminded me of the boy at the chemistry lab. He was in disguise at the concert, but once he rinsed out his pink hair, it was the same boy!
"You're Sakuma-san?" I covered my mouth and gasped./
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
We get off at Haneda Airport but at the top of the escalator, my nephew hugs and kisses me before jumping into Nee-chan's arms. "Mama~!"
There's a deep hush in my head as I hear his steps on the tiles. Time stops and Tokyo isn't as frantic, always bubbling with tension ready to burst.
Tohma gives Nee-chan a kiss. "I'll be back soon."
"Love you, honey."
"Same." He gives a lingering gaze and then his eyes roam to me as Nee-chan cups my head to her cheek as if I'm still a baby with her own between us.
"Whatever you do, I'll always be proud of you," she whispers and turns away.
Tohma gives me a smug expression, lifting his free glove with a boarding pass in between his index and middle fingers pointing upwards. "Took you long enough."
He doesn't bat an eye to my disruption to his meticulous schedule.
This is the part of him I hate, how he can play everything around.
Without another word, I follow him through a series of stairs and doors that lead to the outside and his private jet.
"I thought Ryuichi was going to work with you on the soundtrack?"
"He finished everything after the show we taped."
Away from the prying onlookers inside the airport, his voice is tired and grave.
We get to the top of the stairs before entering the plane. "If he's unhappy with you, even if Mika will never forgive me, I'll kill you."
"I wouldn't doubt it." I gaze at his slumped back. "Then why?"
He looks up to the sky and turns to pat my shoulder with a straight face, and it's anything but confident. Stripped of everything, he whispers, "Because I'd be dead already.
Without a compass, my soul will lose its way."
To the rest of the world, Ryuichi appears to be the unstable one, but it's Tohma who needs him more than the other way around.
I nod and pat his glove.
"I'm glad I was right," I thought I hear him mumble as we walk inside.
Looking over my shoulder, I couldn't help but wonder just how far he'd planned everything. And then I vaguely remember…
/"What are you doing, Tatsuha?"
"Making a card."
"To who?"
"Of course to Ryuichi!" Sticking my tongue out, I colored and cut out construction paper.
At the time, I'd had no idea he was the Tohma. To me, he was only Onee-chan's nice boyfriend.
"Can I ask you why do you like him so much?"
Smiling widely, I looked up and blurted out, "I just love him SO MUCH!"
He chuckled, patting the top of my head.
But then, I ended up hugging him, embracing him harder and harder. He hugged me just as warmly.
"What was that for?"
"I love you too, Tohma."
Humbly, he looked down to the floor.
"I haven't been hugged like that in a long, long time…"
"By who?"
He didn't reply. He was still looking thoughtfully at the ground./
As soon as we get inside, he pours us some drinks and orders some food. When his attendant is gone and we're done eating, Tohma looks out the window. As if in an afterthought, he coolly comments, "I don't have to worry anymore."
But there was something heartrending in the way his voice scratched, the very definition of setsunai choking it.
"Somewhere deep inside, you still won't let go."
"Never."
"Then why do you trust me?"
"Fear is the locked part that wants to be set free. When you turn it over, it becomes overwhelming strength. That's what he taught me. What I've lived through and with, you can imagine why he and I are intertwined. So this fearlessness from him to me, I pass onto you, Tatsuha.
I'm sure he told you I changed his life, but that isn't quite right. The person who transformed me was Ryu. He doesn't want anyone getting close to him because he's been used too many times, but…"
Tohma folds his hands. "I don't want to ever let anyone down by not thinking far enough."
"That doesn't make sense though, Tohma-san. You're the one person who thinks the farthest of anyone I know."
Wringing his head from side to side like a younger, unworldly man, he denies it. "I became this way because he believed in me…"
/"You…you act all freakin' composed, but you're just as afraid as everyone else in this world! Pretend to be stoic all you want, but I can see right through you, Class President!"
The oppressive afternoon light shined behind my classmate with the screaming and chatter of students below as I stopped sweeping. Hanging out the window, the chalk dust clouded around him. His arms rapidly changed into red and he kept tidying up even after that speech I'd not reacted to. Pulling his hand to the sink in the hallway, he gave me an indescribable look between determined and vulnerable unlike the jokester façade he showed to everyone.
I washed his arms. I didn't know if it was right to do so since we weren't close, but he didn't protest.
"If you're allergic, I'll take care of it," I remarked offhandedly, unable to meet him eye-to-eye. Being his stubborn, honest self, he hugged me before going inside. I ended up staring at my wet hands for a long moment. As far as I could recall, I refused to have any human contact bordering on affection, Suguru being the continuous exception.
In that instant, I'd touched something I wasn't worthy of and found another piece of purity…
By the time I went back into the room, he'd finished the last of the cleaning and already disappeared.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+
The door opened as I tapped the stack of documents on my desk to straighten them out. Looking up, I sighed in exasperation.
"Class President~." that guy sheepishly greeted as he sauntered inside.
Stopping and pulling my jacket on to indicate I'd not acknowledged his shenanigans (especially not in the SC office) I simply took the stapled papers and ignored him.
But as soon as I passed him, he vice-gripped me from behind, whispering, "Please, stay here. This is your fault so take responsibility."
Over what? Preposterous claims.
I tried to wriggle myself away, but it only resulted in pouting and playful grunts. Petty, I attempted it again only to have him give the most childish, high-pitched whine.
Covering my mouth discreetly only spurned him on until my laughter escaped and he heard it. He let go in disbelief, and even more so as I turned to him instead of walking away.
What was my expression, I wonder…
But he took my sleeves and gave me a full on kiss on the lips.
I dropped the stack. There was nothing but a large thud of papers to the floor.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"You're so full of sparkling colors."
"Haah?" Frustrated and thinking he was dangerously crazy, I knelt to pick up the sheets and he helped me, but I lividly scolded with my hand out, "No. You've done quite enough."
He persisted to help me.
"This isn't the place for you."
"What do you know?"
Glancing at him, his disturbingly intense gaze was about to swallow me whole.
"Aim higher, Tohma."
"Don't you dare call me by my first name!"
By this time, I snatched the papers from his grasp and got up, ready to ignore him from then on.
"Go outside the box."
I stopped with my back to him. "Why are you bothering me?"
"You deserve more than this!" he shouted vehemently. "You're the only interesting person in this entire school! I know you don't want to be a clone."
"You live in a fantasy."
Bitterly taking my chin, he forced me to face him.
"I heard you play."
"So what?" I snapped back.
He pulled a notebook and replaced my stack with it.
"Because I heard you, I wrote all this."
And instead of throwing it back at him, I took the notebook home and made a melody for each piece of poetry.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+
For several weeks, he'd appear out of nowhere and irked me so much my bones would've willingly slipped off my skin if it would create some distance between us.
Ryuichi greeted me as soon as the family car dropped me off at the school gate. He'd poke or throw notes at me during class (of which the teacher wasn't amused). Sliding into the seat next to me, he'd make conversation (mostly him talking to my nonchalance) while eating lunch.
Once in a while he'd sneak in an attack by plopping half a chocolate chip cookie or sweet tsubu red bean bun in front of my custom bentou. (When I'd leave it untouched, he'd pushed it into my mouth with his fingers and I'd sigh, making no remark.)
It got so far that both boys and girls were trying to stop him (with ulterior motives, of course, to win my family's favor). At one point, I stood up one lunchtime to quell their curiosity. I scanned our surroundings and took Ryuichi's wrist, eating the mochi he'd handmade. (How had he discerned my penchant for traditional sweets?!)
Smacking my lips with a smirk, I gave an approving nod. "It's good. Thanks."
Then, I left.
But that was the time my parents were exploding at every little thing between them so I distracted myself in the music room more often after student council duties. Whenever the school band wasn't practicing, I'd automatically find myself sitting on the piano bench.
No one could control me here. This was the only place I could be my whole self, the one who wasn't split into their erratic moods or the people who looked at me for reassurance. Nor the ones who waited for me to strangle myself and relish in my failures.
I'll never give you this part of me. You could give your snide remarks or use me to comfort your decrepit egos, but here marked the spot where I'm untouchable!
You never will!
I was sorry to the ones who thought I was perfect. I was actually nobody without my name and this was the single entity I held sacred.
Taking a deep breath, I lifted the cover and glided my fingers over the glistening black and white, a lover who was everything within a dream yet meaningless without its mystical borders.
On that day, I curled my fingers and felt in sync. Playing my own song, I heard myself for the first time: My true voice. Faster and faster, the delicacies changed to self-rage and ebbed away into my last ounce of strength.
Sweat started to bead down my forehead and I stopped with my mouth shouting soundlessly. Water was on the brink of raining down my face.
Breathing deeply from self-battling, I looked up to the ceiling with my hands folded.
The words with no words.
A song yet to have a destination.
I'm still here,
But no one sees me.
I truly wonder when did I start becoming frustrated with everyone?
Most of all, with myself.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+
I can't quite pinpoint when, but I didn't mind him anymore. And with a coy ploy by Fate, Ryuichi decided to cut himself off and didn't bother me for quite a while. Stupidly, I missed the noise.
Where had he gone? Did he finally give up? He wasn't the type though.
Was he sick of me now?
We were in the same class, but at every break, he'd leave and return when classes resumed. I eventually became more withdrawn. Whenever I could, I'd hide in the SC room and do my duties while eating. Or go over extra assignments my father gave me like homework for business classes specified for me...
I now visited the music room before and after school.
Around the start of autumn, sitting at the top of the steps, I was unwrapping my furoshiki when from the slit of the rooftop door, I heard something heavenly. In its roughness, a delicate yet firm voice sang acapella. Instead of eating, my wrists positioned themselves in midair, translating rich chromatic notes directly to my fingers.
I absorbed the ethereal, heated feeling, the same temperature of sunshine brushing my skin and tickling my senses. Along came a soothing breeze and it swept my worries away, displacing my anger into the peace I pretended to have but never embodied.
The voice ceased.
Rrriiiinnng~! The school bell rang and that looker ran through the door. The same troublesome person whose arms I'd washed without thinking of social protocols.
But I caught his wrist and Ryuichi glanced at me with teary eyes.
What is it about you that makes me sad, happy, and irritated whenever I see you?
My thoughts couldn't catch up to my body leaning forward. I couldn't help but kiss that shaky mouth, slipping my tongue into his throat with tears crushing into my skin.
I don't know the answer and that's all right…
…I have a feeling we'll be together for life somehow.
I didn't eat lunch, but felt satisfied for I'd tasted something spectacular./
"Do you get it now?"
"You and I are the same…we look at him the same way."
Resting his wrists on his thighs, he examines his open palms and refuses to meet my eyes.
"I can't be his savior or hero or lover. We respect each other too much." Closing his eyes, he folded his hands over one another to press his forehead onto his knuckles.
Loving too deeply…
"I'd never give him up, but you can love him wholly while I cannot."
"I don't understand why…"
Thinking of my sister, I felt she understood but didn't too. This was probably the part of her husband that became cloudy and she couldn't ask to disperse that haziness.
"We care for each other for the same reasons we hate."
He wouldn't explain further, having said more than all the years I'd known him.
That's why he trusted you. Don't you get that?
My whole image of Tohma changed. His view of Ryuichi pulled the sturdy confidence he always exuded, his gloves tattered and thrown voluntarily. They were bleeding for all I knew…
When I was younger, he was the teen who'd just been my sister's boyfriend, the one who'd protected my brother, the murderous businessman, the unequaled artist, the overprotective guard over his younger cousin.
If anyone asked who Tohma was, I'd probably tell them about the first time I met this enigmatic person.
/"You really like them?"
"Yes!"
"Why would a child enjoy them, I wonder?"
"I'm not a kid. I'm going to see them someday!
"Oh, really?" Raising an eyebrow, he smiled.
"Noriko is a warrior princess. Tohma is a wizard."
"And Ryuichi?"
"He's funny. He makes me laugh."
"He does?"
"But…" I cover the screen, embracing the tv. "I wish I could give him a hug."
"Oh…" He put his hand over my head. "But what do you think Ryuichi is if Noriko's a warrior princess and Tohma's a wizard?"
I released my grip on the tv and turned my head to Tohma.
The long-haired Ryuichi dazzled from the screen next to his sparkly alter-ego.
"I don't know."
Hugging the screen again, I shook my head. "He's like me, but has a grown-up's body."
I struggled to express what I couldn't understand yet.
Tohma's eyes widened.
"Yes…" He nodded to himself with a soft chortle and then his gaze made its way to mine again. "I'll make sure you'll meet them someday."
"You promise?"
"Yes."
I grinned and hugged me tightly.
"Someday, I hope you can fulfill my wish for him, Tatsuha-kun."/
Is this what you meant?
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Tohma and I are waiting for Ryuichi's flight to arrive. He didn't get a direct flight and made a pit stop in Hong Kong. But as we walk to the arrival gate, he turns away, saying that his private jet is ready to depart.
"Aren't you even going to see him?"
That wistful smile only set for Ryuichi comes into view. He eludes my query as I grab the duffle bag with travel documents and passport in the side pocket.
"Those papers should help if you run into any problems. Anything more, call me."
But I drop the bag to hug him with all my strength.
"Now now…" He pats my back.
"How many times have you had to let him go?"
Why am I asking such a painful question?
He lifts his left arm as I hear a shuffle behind me. Holding some of my neck, I feel his bare fingers and my tears well up.
"Your sister, your brother, and you…All three of you changed my life in different ways."
When he lets go, he whispers into my ear, "He will always be my treasure…
Ryuichi is my kintsugi. Please take good care of him for me."
I'm counting on you.
He leans his head to one side, squinting. I step back and all guise of the impenetrable Tohma washes away. I'm too surprised to see his human face. He pulls the rim of his hat.
"Go."
A tear drop quickly falls like dew on a leaf, glowing under the light around it.
Seconds later, he shouts, "Hey wait!"
People are crossing and when I spin around to his call, he throws something into the air.
I catch it in my cupped palms.
"I don't need this anymore!"
He walks away with his gloves sticking out of the back pockets of his trousers.
When I open my clenched hands, there is a half-golden, half-silver key inside.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Mid-afternoon on Ryuichi's couch, I'm about to nod off when there's a click of the lock.
Ryuichi solemnly enters but stands in place with the door closing behind him. Kumagorou hits his forehead to make sure he isn't jetlagged enough for hallucinations.
"Why are you here?"
I hold my arms out and tip my head with a confident smile. "To follow you, of course."
"I…"
"Before you ask me more questions, I know you have the paper from the villa in your pocket. Show me, Ryuichi."
Still tongue-tied, he opens the folded paper and I reach into my shirt because it's plastered against my heart.
We flash them out simultaneously.
Mugendai. / Infinity.
"I may not know what it says in English."
He's about to cry as he reads mine.
"But I know they both mean the same thing."
"Why do you keep trying, Tatsuha?" He sits on his rolling luggage in exhaustion hugging Kumagorou in his lap.
"Because I know the depth of your smile. You work hard, but never stop improving yourself. You move forward with all you can, even with all the things you told me.
I never thought how powerful that can be until I understood why I was attracted to you.
You're the one who taught me never to give in no matter what the world says!
So I want you and all the stuff you carry and I'm not letting anyone else have you."
"You didn't give up on me…" All the coolness melts as his muted shout comes out in a harsh, suffocating whisper. He puts his hand over his eyes, dipping his head for his bangs to cover a distressed visage.
Then I realize that this wild person on stage really is a reserved bookworm, awkward and hurting like the rest of us.
"I don't want the perfect vocalist. I want the real Ryuichi in front of me. Do you have any idea that my dream was to meet you at the beach? Why couldn't you believe me after our talks? All my novels? Those scrap books?" I walk up to him and grab his wrists. "I want the playful person who pinned me to the ground. The humble one who wiped my table after we ate. The juvenile who kissed me in the car after seeing some cute bears. The joyous beauty that runs to the sea.
You haven't broken my image of you at all, Sakuma-sama. Because the one I love from the bottom of my heart, and gets me motivated to start my day is you, Ryu. All of you."
He sobs even though I lift his chin to kiss his wet eyelids.
"But what if-"
I shake my head. "No matter what happens in the future, I promise to never leave you."
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
A week later, Ryu shows up at my doorstep with a familiar pink bunny, one suitcase, and a duffel bag. He'd sold everything and came to live with me.
"But-"
"This is all I really own. The books will be shipped."
"What about your house?"
"Tohma and I shared that house." He says nothing more about it.
"Oh."
And when Father shows up at the genkan, Ryu is about to bow, but I get on my knees and my forehead touches the ground in a snap. "I ask for your permission to accept my beloved into our household."
"Tatsuha…" Ryuichi mumbles.
Without missing a beat and as if he'd expected it all along, Father nods his head. "It's been a long time since you've visited, Star-kun."
"What?" My head shoots up.
"You remember me?"
"You used to come here everyday to pray and ask questions. And then you suddenly stopped." Father turns to me. "While you were watching one of their concerts on tv, it dawned on me that the singer was the child who used to come here to talk to your mother when I was doing my rounds. She was the one who nicknamed him Star-kun."
Sitting up on the genkan, I'm overwhelmed that Ryuichi knew my mother but didn't say anything this whole time. Father returns to the den and says, "Let's go talk to Tsubame-san and introduce Ryuichi."
He smiles at Ryuichi. "I'm sure she'd like to see you again."
I don't know what this feeling is, but I'm liberated and feel like crying too. Before I think of anything else, Ryuichi takes my hand and pulls me along. My fingers intertwine with his.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Five years in the future and after my siblings and I agree to care for our Father's precious temple together…
"Thanks for calling, K-san! We'll be thinking of you guys. See you soon." I close Ryu's phone and put it into my pocket.
The blankets are all set on the green grass with glimmering sun overhead. Against the heat cooled by the wind, I run my fingers through my hair casually because everything appears dreamy. Sprays of refreshing moisture hit my arms.
Nii-chan is reading a book with Shuichi dozing like a kid in his lap. Hiro is leaning over to a point at a stanza on Suguru's paper as the latter's eyes slightly widen, not the response I expect from a Seguchi nor from close bandmates. Hiro ruffles his hair and winks which stirs Suguru into pouting.
Ah, so they're both being dumb too.
Tohma is coordinating somewhere on the premises and Noriko's spot is still empty and as for Ryu, he's jumping from place to place trying to either play, help, or do both. I want to, but siblings (all of them) say I should take a day off from any kind of work.
"Do you really think it's necessary to close the whole place down?"
"Why not?" Ryu points his thumb to Tohma, who is walking back towards us. "He's the one who knows everyone."
I whisper, "You probably asked him."
"Actually, this is your sister's request." She smiles while grasping onto my nephew's hand. Tohma is carrying a baby bag with our new family member, Fuyumi. (It translates as "Winter Beauty" after the 'Toh' in Tohma's name).
"Uncle Tatsuha!" Haruka (complimenting my sister's name) wrung free of his mother and tackled me.
In the blanket next to ours and in a very short time, Nii-chan is already nodding off and Shuichi's grumbling to be hugged back as he touches his face.
Haruka then runs to hug and kiss Ryu on the cheek (a gesture tRyu clearly imparted). "Ryu-Onii-chan!"
Catching my nephew, I hold him up at eye-level. "Hey! Why isn't he 'uncle' when he's the older one?"
"He's a tall kid." he answers in a matter-of-fact tone.
Yes, you really are Tohma's and Nee-chan's child with that kind of finality.
"Exactly." Ryuichi pats his cheeks and they nuzzle nose-to-nose.
"That is a perfect explanation," Noriko comments from behind with Tatsuya and their daughter Saki walking next to us and we hug.
"How'd you ever find such a beautiful place?"
"This garden right here is Tatsuha's favorite spot," my sister replies
But what I haven't anticipated is that on this particular day, Tohma would employ people to set up equipment for a mini revival concert.
As Nittle Grasper sets up to play, I recount all their reincarnations in my head and stop short of today. Ryu's hair is halfway down his back and he refuses to cut it ever since I said I liked that length from their Indies days. Tohma's ring shines, the one my sister gave to him back in high school. Noriko's wearing the twisted gold earrings her husband bought on their first date.
You've changed, but still look the same. Your sparkle's more refined.
Silently, my heart soars into various tints of happiness. Beyond bliss, if that's possible.
It isn't a holiday or anyone's birthday, just some random date we all had off. I turn to view the panorama of lush greenery and am grateful my family is able to spend this summer day together.
My Honey sings under the depths of the beaming natural sunlight, my sibling is playing the prism, and my close friend is blending the water to renew, yet recreate their sound.
I've been thinking all this time
why must it be this hard
to live just as you are
to soak integrity
and care for others?
You hid from me.
Why do you keep doing so?
No matter how many times
I twirl this question
in my mind,
the gashes on my body
never go away.
Why?
Live for me.
Give me everything.
Don't forget about me
and all we could've been.
Why do I live this way,
The edge always inching closer?
Can I turn back?
My hands tied,
I kneel at your mercy
as you brandish the weapon
of your choice
to kill me.
I've got to keep living.
Keep giving until I run dry.
You don't have to love me.
I never expected you to.
But if I keep spinning on
just as I always do,
I'm sure I'll move the impossible
and touch your heart
with my love song.
Moved beyond belief, it's possible that my heart's expanded its current capacity.
Suddenly, Ryuichi runs over to kiss me on the lips.
"Hmm?"
"I know I'm not dreamin' either na no da~!"
He winks at me. From ear to ear, I couldn't smile at him any wider.
Yup, of course, Ryu'd know what I'm thinking.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Impulsive as ever, Ryu and I decide to stay by a beach house on the coast near Ise Shrine right after our gathering.
I start to chuckle when he brings out a small table, stapling its small legs to the sandy ground with a satisfied grunt. His hands are still on the sides when he glances over at me.
The salty air whiffs through his bangs and the diminishing sky cloaks him in its brilliance. I want to say something, but grin instead.
Taking the calligraphy brush, I dip it into the ink as he sits next to me and brings the strapped guitar to his front. Strumming peacefully when the last of today's sun grazes its warmth into our skin, Ryuichi's mouth opens to sing and his voice rides the waves and wind.
Truly, I've captured a living mermaid.
I begin to compose own words and before I know it, he's sleeping in my lap.
Watching him, I write:
I want to extend my broken wings.
Let them heal with the light
to fly away into the dawn,
for the wind to take me away.
But I can't run from myself.
If I think of summer's end,
is it the end of you and me?
I know things can't last forever
but as things fade,
won't this make a foundation
for something more solid?
Let me love you freely.
For sure,
let's make it work
this time 'round.
Why can't I break the glass ceiling?
These inner struggles that kill me
whenever they take hold?
I love you through and through
but is it enough to color all the blue?
These seasons are
the only ones who'll know.
You're too fast.
My wish on lightning speed.
Let me love you until tomorrow.
Just one tomorrow more.
To live one more day
Freer than the one passing quickly
than any arrow thrown.
"If you'd told younger me that I'd reach paradise, I'd never believe it…" Curling his bangs with my index finger, I smile at Ryu's sleeping figure and think I'll place the new scrap book where he'd be sure to find it: Right by the keyboard and his notes on the bedroom floor.
I'm sure you'll enjoy my surprise, but you know what? There are times I still can't believe you're right here next to me.
I've loved you for so long that I really can't imagine life without you.
These days, whenever I see the personality on the screen, it is Sakuma-sama, but when at home, when he's alone with me, he's Ryu.
Leaning down, I kiss him on the lips and hold him closer.
"And you are, in every sense (physically, mentally, spiritually)…
Mine."
I've crossed over to where you are, this place where things last forever.
Owari. / The End.
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Author's note: First of all, I know that Tohma and Mika had a little boy but I cannot find if there is a name after looking at my manga copies so please forgive me for making one up. (I'll correct it if it is otherwise.)
To the heart of it all, this fic bubbled out all of a sudden. I've written so much angst…but this fic ("Things don't last forever")…it's strange but my optimistic side kept on saying, "No, you can't end it that way. That's why you write to manifest that hope even through all the wreckage. You're here to say there's more than the hurt, that it won't keep you down." So, 18 years later, this is my response to you, younger Yui.
And no, I have not given up on completing Aching Desire – Ryuichi version (Jounetsu). I have had that outline written out on paper for many years already so that I'd never lose it (unlike my computer crashing). I have the parts I wanted for every chapter. Though I'm still waiting for the time it calls for me again…
Because Hikaru no Go, Arrietty, and Yuri on Ice have been tugging at me. I have all their endings ready, but it's the details, the tone…my perfectionist ways that make this progression slow. There are times I've wondered how I was able to finish so fast when I was younger, but I expect more after all this experience. I want to give more too.
But I must confess that whether it's then or now, it's still scary for me to give a new piece. It doesn't matter how long I've been doing this, each story is a new starting line with different expectations and underlying feelings. And Sakuma Ryuichi, Sumeragi Subaru, Asami Ryuichi, Touya Akira, and Takahashi Ryousuke…they are all special to me so I feel pressure to bring them out with a beautiful flourish.
Especially that of Ryuichi because he's the closest (I feel) to my personality.
Thank you again, for reading all this time!
(And I'm glad I found some kind of answer.)
Love always,
Yui
7/9/2022 11:09:39 AM – Los Angeles
7/10/2022 3:09:39 AM – Tokyo