Regulus shot up in his bed, drenched in cold sweat. While his nightmares had become less frequent over the last few years, they'd never stopped. Some were worse than others. Every single one of his nightmares was an agonising walk down memory lane. It was always that same darkness, his darkness, evil and Regulus' fear. It never seemed to get better.
He glanced at the bedside clock: 2:47
He'd been reliving his first day. He had been the youngest 'recruit' but none of the others had dared to mock him. He was the son of the late Orion Black after all. Easily the most vicious, cruel and merciless death eater ever. Regulus remembered every single detail of his brief period as one of them. He remembered Voldemort's ice cold hand on his shoulder, welcoming him to the 'team', it was horrible. He'd put on a stoic mask and forced himself to do the Dark Lord's bidding.
He swung his legs over the side and stood up. He pulled on a robe over his pyjamas and went of his room. He definitely needed a drink. He'd had two other nightmares after moving back into Black Manor. The other two occupants of the house weren't aware of this.
Thanks to the thick carpet, his feet made no sound. He entered the kitchen but stopped short when he saw Sirius leaning against the counter, nursing his own drink. Damn it! He'd managed to hide his problems so far. Too late now. Instead, he forced himself to smirk and took a seat on one of the stools. "What's bothering you at this hour, brother? Worried about grey hair and other woes of old age?" He hoped that the lighthearted tone would work.
Sirius didn't reply. He wandlessly summoned a glass for Regulus, poured a bit of fire whiskey into it and slid it over. "You look like you need it." Regulus accepted the glass with a grateful nod. He downed the glass and set it on the counter.
"This was the third one, wasn't it?" How? How was it that Sirius always knew? "Yes." A pause. "Why didn't you confront me earlier?" Sirius shrugged and took another sip. "I knew that you didn't want to talk about it."
"Mmhm. So is Harry asleep?" Regulus asked. Dumb question, Reg. "Yeah."
"Why are you up, Sirius?" He was curious to know. "That bloody locket has been bothering me for a while, Reg." Then, he added jokingly: "I spent the last decade in Azkaban. I can hardly be expected to sleep like a baby." Regulus immediately felt guilty. Sometimes he forgot what Sirius had been through. If one were to look at his older brother, they'd never be able to guess that he'd left Azkaban less than two years ago.
"How do you do it?" He needed to know. "How do you manage to keep all those memories from consuming you? I've tried, Sirius, and failed. Every time I close my eyes, I'm always afraid that I'll find myself in Voldemort's lair. The nightmares aren't frequent but they're still there. And I hate it. Every damn second of it. How did you get rid of your memories?"
Sirius sighed and turned to look at his brother. At that moment, he only saw that little boy who'd looked up to Sirius for all the answers. He hadn't asked Reggie about the nightmares because he knew that the other man would talk when he was ready. If there was one thing Sirius understood better than most was that desperate need for a little space.
"Regulus, I didn't get rid of my memories. Every second that I spent in Azkaban is still there. I just buried it deep inside. I've never been more grateful for Occlumency. The very first thing I did once I was out was to bury it all. All those horrible memories, the pain and suffering; it's all folded small into the deepest part of my mind. No one, not even I can look inside it ever again. I've put them under layers and layers of other happier moments. It was the only way to stop the darkness of Azkaban from haunting me. It wasn't easy but it was necessary."
Regulus registered this new piece of information with no small amount of awe. He always wondered how Sirius managed to keep the memories at bay. He'd figured that the other man must've used a potion but that clearly wasn't the case. Unlike Sirius, Regulus' skills as an Occlumens were quite poor. "Do you want to talk about it now? The dream?"
Did he? His nightmares were infrequent but bad. If there was one person who he trusted implicitly, it was his brother. "It was my first day. Everyone there was older than me. Mother was there, along with Bellatrix and the rest of the deranged lot: Lucius, Rudolphous, Dolohov, Rabastan, Barty; I can go on. They made it look like one big happy gathering at Grimmauld Place. I remembered mother telling me to be proud and obey Voldemort's every order, never to show weakness or betray any emotion. She told me to make Father proud."
"Then, he called me forward, made me kneel. He told me that I was destined for greatness, like him. I hated each second of it. He was just so evil. I wanted nothing more than to disappear from there." Regulus buried his face in his hands and shook his head. He was still ashamed of the choices that he'd made years ago. "He put his hand on his shoulder and said 'welcome, Regulus' and then I recalled the look on your face when I'd shown you the dark mark. You were so disappointed and I just wanted to die."
He felt Sirius' arm coming to rest around his shoulders, squeezing him reassuringly. "You were only a child back then, Reggie. Stop blamingyourself, okay?" There was only one way he could make this stop. He'd always known as much. The thought had occurred to him long ago but he'd been too much of a coward to follow through with the idea. But, he needed to do this now.
"I need to go back, there. Closure. That's exactly what I need, Sirius." It was the only way. That bloody place haunted him to this day. Facing this fear was the only way to overcome it. "Are you sure? It was a terrible place, Reggie." He could hear the doubt in Sirius' voice and nodded firmly. "I have to do this, Sirius."
"Then I'll come with you."
"No. Sirius, I really appreciate the offer but you hated that place more than anyone else. You really don't need to come." Truth be told, Regulus wanted Sirius along. But, he knew just how much Sirius detested that place.
"You really think I'm going to let you go to that hellhole all by yourself? If that how you feel, there's obviously something wrong with you, Reg. I'm coming with you. End of discussion." At that moment Regulus felt a rush of gratitude towards his older brother. He mumbled his thanks along with a comment about bossy big brothers.
"Yes, I'm bossy and you're welcome. We've got that part cleared," Sirius stated. "But all jokes apart, I'm here. We'll go whenever you're ready." Regulus nodded, feeling equal amounts of relief and apprehension.
"I'm going to head upstairs and leave you to brood." Sirius stood and cleared away the glasses and bottle. "Fair warning though, if you fall asleep on the job later on, you're fired." Regulus snickered and gave Sirius a mock salute.
Sirius paused on the way and turned around. "Oh and Reg? The only person who has to worry about the woes of old age is you."
"But why can't I go with you? I really want to see the place." Harry pleaded during breakfast. It was a Sunday morning and thanks to his recent escapade with a certain blonde boy, he was unfortunately grounded. "I'll stay right next to you and won't even think about wandering off."
"Trust me, pup, you do not want to see this place." Harry didn't know why he wouldn't want to. He was curiously to see what it was like. In all the time he had lived with Sirius, the man had never even mentioned this house. Could anyone blame him for being curious? Grimmauld Place. It even sounded mysterious. "Dad, come on, I just want—"
"And I said no." Sirius didn't want to expose his pup to the darkness of that vile place and nothing would change his mind. It was depressing and evil. Plain and simple.
Harry felt a mild flash of anger at the blunt refusal and scowled at his father. "Fine. Can I at least call Draco over or is that also asking for too much?" Sirius gave him a pointed look before nodding. "I'm sure that can be arranged."
Still feeling a little petulant, Harry ignored Sirius throughout the remainder of breakfast.
About an hour later, Harry was in his room, not sulking when Sirius came inside. "We'll be back in a couple of hours, okay? Draco will be here in say ten minutes or so."
"Fine."
The man sighed and sat down next to Harry on the bed. "Look, trust me when I say that you're better off not knowing about that place. It's not that great. You can be mad at me if you like but it doesn't change the facts. I really can't take you there. It's a terrible place."
Harry looked at Sirius and saw the unflinching determination in his eyes. Normally, whenever the man was firm about something, he was right. "But why do you have to go if it's so bad?" His father's expression tensed immediately. "It's for Reg. He needs this."
"I'll drop it, happy?" Harry relented with a shrug. The man gave him a small smile and ruffled his hair. "Good lad. Now, you and Draco have fun. Just try not to burn the house down."
"Bye Dad!" Sirius shook his head with a small smile and flicked Harry's ear before leaving. One minute, the lad was being a grumpy, scowling little monster and the very next, he was back to his sweet angelic self.
Sirius and Regulus appeared right in front of 11 Grimmauld Place. "It really hasn't changed a bit," Sirius commented and he was right. It was exactly what it had been years ago.
Regulus took a deep breath and pulled out his wand. He mumbled a few incantations under his breath and felt the Fidelius charm being lifted off the house. To any passerby, everything would have looked normal but the younger Black watched with a slight sense of trepidation as the bricks between houses 11 and 13 rumbled and made way with a grating sound. More bricks appeared in between and began to take shape.
12, Grimmauld Place. A nightmare.
"You ready?" Sirius sounded stronger than he felt. He hated this place. Almost every bad memory of his life was associated with this house. Regulus wasn't the only one who dreaded going inside. He'd come along purely to support his brother.
"Not in the slightest." And they went inside.
The knob creaked painfully as Sirius turned it. The two of them stepped in and closed the door.
The place looked horrible.
A thick layer of dust coated the floor, cobwebs hung over the walls and the smell was nearly unbearable, especially for Sirius who was an Animagus. They couldn't see much of the house because of the extremely dull lights.
They stood in the dark passageway that led to the living room. Regulus shivered and it wasn't because he was cold. "Are you alright?" Sirius whispered. "I'm fine." Reg had no idea why they were whispering.
They walked further ahead into the house. Sirius snapped his fingers sharply and the dim passage was instantly illuminated. Regulus immediately wished his brother hadn't done that.
"It's been a while, son."
The voice chilled Regulus to the bone.
While Sirius and Regulus were busy battling their demons, Harry and Draco were having a pretty good time back home.
"Potter, has anyone ever told you that you're deplorable at chess?" Harry rolled his eyes as Draco's bishop knocked his knight off. "Yes. You have. Only five hundred times or so."
"I didn't invite you over so that you could insult me, Draco. I'm bored. It's still not fair though. Why couldn't I have gone with them?" Harry started randomly. "I have no idea what you're talking about but I'm pretty sure you weren't invited because of your overly developed ability of whinging. The misfortune of babysitting you has fallen upon me." Draco remarked dryly. He didn't know where the men had gone but the sight of Potter whining was equal parts of amusing and annoying.
"Shut up. It sounds real mysterious. Grimmauld Place. It's the first time my da—"
"Grimmauld Place? That's a real hellhole. You don't want to go anywhere near that place. I'd dig my heels in if anyone even suggested that I go there again." Draco was reminded of the short trip he'd made to that house with his father. He had been about eight years old. A portrait had spoken to him there and honestly, that woman still frightened him in ways his father never could. Of course, his mother was still not aware of this. He'd been strictly ordered to keep her out of this.
"Again? You've been there before?"
"Unfortunately."
Harry frowned when he heard this. His father, Regulus and Draco, all of them seemed to hate that place. Yet, Regulus had felt the need to go back. What was so terrible about this particular house? "It can't be that bad, right. I mean, come on, it's just a house, isn't it?"
"It's anything but just a house. The entire area just breathes dark magic. There isn't a single part of that house which is not dark. The house is evil. The worst was that horrendous portrait." Draco shuddered slightly. Harry took all this in. This morning, Sirius had been trying to protect him, that's all.
"So I suppose it's not the ideal spot for a holiday home huh?" He asked in an attempt to lighten the damp mood. Draco shook his head, his expression void of any humour. "Guess not."
Regulus stood rooted as he stared at the portrait of the late Walburga Black. Proud and beautiful, just the way he remembered. Portrait? When? Who? A million questions ran through his brain. Her grey, stone cold eyes pierced him. She was disappointed. "My own son doesn't seem to want to come and visit me. Why is that, Regulus?" She hadn't even bothered to acknowledge Sirius the whole time.
"Did you not have the time or were you too ashamed to show your face after what you did? Or perhaps you were simply unaware that I was always here?" She spoke calmly and there was no trace of anger on her face. "I didn't think you'd ever betray your family like that."
"I didn't betray anybody. I did what I thought was right. You were the one who forced me into becoming a damn Death Eater in the first place. I never wanted that life." Regulus felt the first signs of anger taking form. He didn't care how this portrait had appeared on the wall. She wasn't surprised to see him alive. He was too pissed to wonder why.
He was furious. "You're right. I did what I had to. Your father had certain plans for you. It was your destiny. But you didn't see that. You worshipped your blood traitor brother. It was necessary to break you apart while you were still pliable. I'm proud of what I did. I only wish you would have stayed true to our cause instead of running away like a filthy little coward. I feel…disappointed."
"In case you haven't noticed, Walburga, we honestly don't give a fuck about how you feel." It was the first time Sirius had spoken. Walburga's stare shifted to Sirius and her eyes became impossibly hard. "I don't recall asking for your opinion, blood traitor."
Sirius rolled his eyes. Those words had stopped affecting him a long, long time ago. "Really? That's the best you can do? All these years trapped in a portrait must've made you terribly lonely. No one other than your loyal little house elf to keep you company."
Walburga glared at him with those all too familiar stone cold eyes. "I had more company than you know. Narcissa's husband, Lucius visited frequently. He'd even brought his son along once, Draco, if I recall correctly. You on the other hand were lonely. I don't suppose Azkaban provides avisiting facilities. Besides, I don't know who'd want to come and visit you. Your blood traitor friend Potter and his mudblood wife were murdered, that pauper Lupin was actually foolish enough to believe that you'd joined Voldemort and your very own brother was hiding his face like the co—"
"Shut up!" Sirius snapped, losing his composure. No one angered him like his parents. They had always managed to bring out that formidable temper of his.
"I heard you've taken that little Potter waif under your wing. Do—"
"Not another word about Harry," Sirius growled. She looked at him as though he were an interesting potions experiment. "So it appears that I've struck a nerve. Interesting." She smiled cruelly, apparently satisfied.
"How do you even know all this?" Regulus inquired, bewildered. Walburga smiled at him condescendingly. "My dear Regulus," She spoke to him as though she were addressing a rather dim witted child. "Portraits visit each other. You'd be surprised by how much one learns when they are dead than alive. How else did you think I found out that you'd faked your death?"
The malice faded a little from Walburga's face and she gazed at Regulus sadly. "I wish you would have stayed loyal to the Dark Lord, son. He had plans for you. Sirius refused to serve him but I was so proud when you followed in your father's footsteps. Everything was going as planned. You were the youngest among us all. Then, one fine day, you think you're above serving our Lord. You decided to quit."
"I should've quit sooner," Regulus stated coldly. "You never should have left!" She screamed. "But no, you were so upset that you'd disappointed Sirius. You just had to leave. Why couldn't you have stayed?"
Was she actually disappointed that he'd left? "Are you even listening to yourself right now? You wanted me to spend the rest of my life groveling at the feet of the most heartless and cruel dark wizard to have lived? I daresay, you really did have wonderful plans for my future. Trust me, nothing pleased me more than leaving. I should never have joined him in the first place."
"You and your newfound integrity, Regulus. Tell me, where was this probity when you were out in the open while your precious brother was wasting away in Azkaban for a crime that he didn't commit?" Regulus flinched violently and drew back like he'd been slapped.
"You claimed that he'd done so much for you and yet, despite all of that—You. Abandoned. Him. You are a traitor, Regulus. You betrayed your brother whom you supposedly loved."
Regulus' mouth felt dry. He couldn't speak. Every word of hers was like a knife to his heart. The ground seemed to sway under his feet. He couldn't breathe. Her words kept echoing in his head. You abandoned him. You betrayed your brother.
You abandoned him.
You abandoned him.
You abandoned him.
And he didn't scream his defence because every word was true.
Sirius hadn't said anything either. The words had hurt both of them almost equally. He reached out to Reg but the younger man shrugged him off and stormed upstairs.
"There he goes," Sirius turned his attention back to Walburga wishing she were alive just so that he could strangle her to death. "Regulus always did have a penchant for tantrums. Tad bit dramatic, don't you think?" Now that she had successfully made her point, her voice was calm once again. There was a hint of that victorious smirk as well.
"Why?" Sirius' voice was shaking with barely suppressed rage. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FUCKING DO THIS? Even when we were children, you always tried to keep the two of us apart. I get it, you hated me, I was different. You loathed me once I was sorted into Gryffindor. But I thought you loved Reg. How could you do that to him? He'd kept all that misery buried for so long and you just throw it in his face like that! WHATTHE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? How could you say that to him?"
"My dear Sirius, I only told him what was true. I know you, son. Tell me that you did not feel betrayed when you found out that Regulus had joined our side. You were more hurt than angry weren't you? When you were in Azkaban, grieving that filthy blood traitor Potter, little Regulus must have been on your mind as well. You could only think about how you had failed him. And then, when he miraculously appeared in your life again, there was this small part of you that didn't want to forgive him for his transgressions. Look at me and tell me that I'm wrong. Go on, Sirius."
"That's bullshit and you know it. There was no way I wouldn't have forgiven him. He's my brother. You just said that to get to him. You're a conniving bitch. That's all you've ever been." Sirius was breathing hard, his teeth clenched. Apparently, Regulus wasn't the only one who needed closure. "You can call me what you want but you did feel betrayed. Deny it all you like but we both know the truth Sirius." She tsked and shook her head mockingly.
"Yes, I was hurt. He's my younger brother and when we were children, I wanted nothing more than to keep him far away from Voldemort. So yes, when I saw the dark mark on his arm: I. Felt. Betrayed." Walburga smiled triumphantly at his words and Sirius found that cruel satisfaction on her face.
"But that was then. I got over it. I'm not in Azkaban anymore but you're nothing more than a damn portrait. You don't control my little brother anymore and you most certainly do not control me. You never have. James and Lily are dead, as you've mentioned. Repeatedly. I came to terms with that a long time ago. That little waif—Harry— is my son and you'll never know how much he means to me. You never really were aware that family is power. For you, it was always about the upper hand. About control." Sirius watched as the satisfaction melted off her face. His own anger was slowly dissipating. He needed to get this out.
"I have my family with me now. Harry's safe and so is Regulus. Even Narcissa and her son are on our side now. It's you who is lonely and rotting in here. You tried to make my life miserable while you were alive. Along the way, one small, tiny little detail slipped your mind: You. Are. Nothing. I'm alive and you're not. You're alone and I'm not. So, for the rest of your futile existence, I wish you an eternity of misery, mother."
Sirius found Regulus in his old room, simply standing near the bed. "Hey." He paused at the door, unsure of Regulus' current mood. He was surprised when his brother turned around and smiled at him. It was a sad one but a smile was definitely better than the other reactions he'd expected.
"That was quite the racket downstairs. Haven't heard you shout like that in a while," Sirius didn't say anything but went inside. "She was right, you know. What she said about me."
"What? No! Reg, s—"
"Just hear me out, Sirius. In the last decade, I've thought a lot about how I never should have joined Voldemort. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Every time I obeyed any of his orders, it was a betrayal of sorts. Mother was right. The one thought that haunted me all these years was that I should have told you the truth. You fought hard for me and I should've done the same for you. It was this very knowledge that made me loathe myself. I wasn't strong enough."
"Today, when mother said all those things to me, she actually helped me. I had been unable to face this because I was afraid. She brainwashed me and made me join the Death Eaters. I was able to break free form his clutches and nothing made me more relieved. But, to this day, there was this little voice that kept whispering to me: I should have stayed by your side. And everyday, I think about how I should have listened to that voice. You might have forgiven me, Sirius, but I was never quite able to forgive myself."
"I think I'm ready to do that now."
Sirius' eyes softened as he listened to all this. "Come here, kid," he wrapped his arm around the younger man, pulling him in for a rough hug before drawing back. "Watch it, Reggie. You're dangerously close to becoming smarter than me." Regulus laughed. "I already am."
"You wish."
"Are you alright though?" Sirius asked, all traces of humour gone. "I will be." That was enough. "Good. You ready to get out of this hellhole?" Reg nodded with a grimace.
On the way out, they passed Walburga's portrait. She glared at the two of them contemptuously. Regulus stopped in front of her and opened his mouth to say something. But then he thought better of it and shook his head at her pityingly. She wasn't worth it.
They left the wretched house, leaving an outraged portrait behind.
Closure.
Whoo! There's the update. It's been a really busy month. I have always wanted to explore the Black family dynamics and plan to do more. I don't imagine Walburga Black as a screaming banshee, not one bit. I like to think of her as someone who's lethal as a venomous snake. She might have loved her younger son a long time ago but her 'principles' about blood superiority overrode that love.
Hope you liked it. Review! Its the season of giving after all. I know we're still a week away but Merry Christmas you guys!
Love you!