AN : The next two chapters are going to be a little bit different than the rest. They are introspective looks into Jane and Maura's thoughts over the situation they are in. Hopefully I managed to travel down a path of thought for each of them that makes sense and seems true to their character. If not... I guess regular scheduled programming resumes after these next two chapters.
Maura looked up at that, and surprised even herself when she asked "Would being married to me be such a terrible thing?"
"What?" Jane asked, confused by the question. She looked over at Maura for a few moments before laughing at what she thought was a joke "Of course it wouldn't be, but we don't want to be married to each other." she pointed out with another little chuckle as if it were obvious. "So we have to figure out how to get out of this, the quickest way possible." she added as she took a bite of her food.
At hearing that, Maura stood up and sat her food down. Those words hurt more than she was willing to admit. "I didn't realize I was such horrible a person that you feel you have to get away from me as quickly as possible."
"What no? Maura" Jane called out to her confused, shuffling her food in her lap to try and get it out of her way, this conversation was taking a weird turn and she felt like she needed her hands available for it. "What are you talking about? You're my best friend, of course I love you and want to be around you. You know that. But not like this. I mean, right?" she asked her. "In this way." She clarified.
When Maura didn't say anything Jane kept going "Do you want to be married to me?" She asked her. "What would that even look like? Some weird sexless life partnership? You'd hate that. You insist on telling me about the health benefits of sex all the time, never mind the enjoyment of it." She was trying to get Maura to see her point, and was having a hard time understanding why Maura seemed hurt or even offended by what was so clearly the truth. To Jane this seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. They'd gotten themselves into a bit of a mess and they just needed to clean it up. It's not like they were breaking up or going their separate ways because of it.
"I'm not currently sure what that looks like just yet." Maura answered honestly, hands clasped together in front of herself. "But what I do know is you are the most important person in my life. The most meaningful relationship of my entire life. I guess, I am considering what it would look like if we grew it into something more. But you are clearly very opposed to that idea, so maybe I need to reevaluate my stance."
Jane's mind was reeling, this didn't make sense at all. How was Maura not able to see how simple this was. She was focusing on the wrong parts. "Maura... I love you. More than anyone else in my life." She said it so simply it was clear that it was just a fact. "I could never lose you because of some weird experiment we wanted to try that didn't work out." She assured her. She had to make her see, she wasn't trying to get Maura out of her life, she was actually trying to keep her. "Neither one of us is gay, so how do we make this a healthy marriage?" She asked. "I would be married to you in an instant, if I could. It would make my life so easy and make so much sense and we'd be so happy, but it's just not possible."
"Why isn't it possible?" Maura asked, meeting Jane's eye for just a moment before looking away "You're saying we can't do it, why not?" she asked her "I'm not asking for the reasons why you think we shouldn't, that you just listed. I am asking WHY not? You just said it would be so great if we could. So…" She asked her again "Why can't we? Forget the labels and deciding what they mean right this instant. I am asking you, would that reality, one where you are married to me, would that be so bad?"
When Jane didn't answer her question Maura just sighed sadly, she reached a hand up to wipe at her eyes. "I have to go to my next lecture." She looked around for her shoes, doing her best to avoid looking at Jane as she slid them back on "You… I don't know what you have to do right now. But I'll be back later and we can go from there."
Her voice was shaky and her posture looked so defeated which just confused Jane even more than the conversation had.
Once she heard the door shut behind Maura, Jane dropped back onto the bed with a groan.
What was going on?
What the hell was Maura thinking?
They got drunk and got married in Vegas! It was such a stupid problem to have, especially at their age. But Maura suddenly wanted to stay married and be together as a couple? How would that even work? They were both straight!
Right?
Well, Jane was pretty sure Maura had slept with at least one woman, but she'd always assumed it had just been an experiment or something to check off on her sexual bucket list.
Maura was never afraid to discuss sex. Jane knew she enjoyed a healthy active sex life. Which confused her even more as to why she'd want to be married to her. Did she think Jane wouldn't mind if they were married and Maura slept with people on the side? That would never work for her. Jane couldn't just allow her wife to go off and sleep with other people.
While Jane didn't really talk about it much, she very deeply respected the concept and commitment of marriage. Even though she didn't think it was quite for her, she still figured if she ever did get married, it would be the real deal.
For life.
With the love of her life.
But Maura wasn't the love of her life, was she?
Every relationship Jane ever had fell apart at some point. No one ever understood her job or her dedication to it. Every man she dated always seemed to expect her to pull back once they were in the picture, as if being a cop was only something she did to pass the time until she met them.
Maura never did that though, if anything she understood Jane's commitment to her job and supported her in her decision to be dedicated to it. Maura was the same way. It was one of the many things Jane admired about her.
Maura was always the one who Jane went to to complain about men wanting her to put them ahead of the job. She always supported Jane, and agreed that she couldn't change the way she cared about her job for anyone else.
She supported Jane in a lot of things actually, when she thought about it. With her family, Maura was always right there to help with whatever drama the Rizzoli's came up with. She was practically a part of the family. An honorary Rizzoli.
At work if Jane had an issue or a hunch Maura was the first person she went to to help her figure it out. As a matter of fact, Maura was the first person she went to when she had any problem, or had something she was excited about.
She was usually the first person Jane spoke to in the morning and the last person she talked to at night.
They had breakfast together most days, and lunch when they could both step away at the same time. Now that she thought about it, they also had dinner together more nights than they didn't.
Jane did spend more time with Maura than anyone she'd ever dated. Which caused some issues for the men in her life in the past. They never understood how Jane could make time for Maura but not for them. And they always got offended or hurt when she needed time away from them every so often so she could breathe on her own for a minute. She hated feeling smothered by the person she was dating. But usually,when she got that alone time she wanted she ended up spending it with Maura.
But what did that mean? Did that mean she was in love with Maura?
No that was crazy! She wasn't gay.
Did she love Maura?
Yes, without question. Maura was like family.
Well no, not exactly.
Jane liked Maura more than she liked her family most of the time.
But did she love her the same way she loved Frankie and Tommy?
No. It was different. But she knew she would lay her life down in a heartbeat for Maura, the same way she would for either of them.
Did she love Maura like she loved her Ma?
No, not really, because that would be weird.
It felt just as real and deep. But she couldn't be in love with Maura right?
No, she wasn't gay.
She knew she wasn't gay.
Not that there was anything wrong with people that were. She just wasn't.
She'd always been attracted to men. She'd had several boyfriends in her life. A few of whom she'd even loved. Which meant she wasn't gay. Right?
She would have known if she was gay, wouldn't she?
She wouldn't have been able to date and kiss and sleep with the men that she did if she were gay. Would she?
Now that she was thinking about it in these terms, she didn't really know.
She grew up in Catholic schools and churches, and while she never agreed with their stance on homosexuality, she'd never been given the time or the space to think about it in any real capacity.
Sure kids made jokes while she was growing up. She liked to play with the boys and get dirty. She played rough and liked to win. She was never into the 'girly' things. She hated pink and sparkles.
But those things didn't make her gay.
Did she find women attractive?
Her face screwed up as she thought about that, not that the thought disgusted or upset her. It was just something she never really thought about. Not something she'd ever outright asked herself before.
So, did she find women attractive?
Not really. She didn't think.
Could she tell when a woman was pretty?
Yeah of course. She wasn't blind. But did she want to date them? Sleep with them?
She didn't think so.
"What about Maura?" a little voice in her head asked.
What about Maura?
Of course Jane knew Maura was a very beautiful and attractive woman. She had eyes, and she was around when plenty of men fell all over themselves around her. Which usually made her roll her eyes and get annoyed or frustrated with them.
Did that mean she was attracted to Maura?
No? She didn't think so.
She did notice when Maura was dressed nicely, which was most days. She always looked amazing in whatever fancy designer clothes she wore to work.
But Jane loved it most when Maura was casual with her at home in sweats and a T-shirt or yoga pants or sometimes pajamas.
Some of her favorite times were when they would sit on the couch and have a beer or drink wine, talking about a case or even just about their days.
Sometimes Maura would cuddle up to her on the couch, under a fluffy blanket and they would lay together for a while watching tv, or whatever movie she roped Jane into.
Every now and then, it would be during the Red Sox or Patriots game.
She let Maura hug her and touch her more than anyone else.
More than anyone ever honestly.
She got mad or annoyed when her own mother touched her too much.
She would never let anyone else drape their legs over hers or lay their head on her on the couch. Not the way she let Maura do it.
And she certainly wouldn't run her fingers through anyone else's hair while their head was laying in her lap during movie night.
Maura was always able to convince her to do things she didn't want to. Whether it be shopping or eating healthier, Jane did it to make her happy. She complained about it sure, but she knew Maura had her best interest at heart.
Okay sure, they behaved a lot like a couple. But, could they be one?
No! That was crazy!
Right?
"Ugh! I don't know!" Jane complained, grabbing the other pillow on the bed and covering her face with it to let out a muffled scream.
What the hell was she supposed to do?
As she was moving the pillow away from her face she realized it smelled like Maura, which made her smile.
It brought a little bit of comfort to her, so much so she moved her head to lay on it instead of the one she was already laying on.
Maura did bring her more comfort than anyone else she knew.
She was more comfortable with Maura than anyone she'd ever met in her life. Both physically and emotionally. They just connected in a way she couldn't with anyone else.
Maura was funny and insightful. And clearly smarter than everyone else, but she never judged anyone else because of it. She just enjoyed Jane's company. And Jane loved spending time with her. She went to Maura anytime she needed comfort and support. Advice or even a shoulder to cry on. No one made her feel safer than Maura.
But what did that mean?
Was she in love with her? Could she be married to her?
Maybe she was going at it the wrong way. She needed to ask herself different questions
What in their lives would be drastically different if they were actually married?
Well, they'd likely move in together, but that wouldn't be so bad. Jane usually spent most of her time at Maura's anyway, only going home to sleep and shower. If she wasn't already staying at Maura's for the night anyways because it got late.
They couldn't date anyone else either. But then again, neither one of them had dated anyone in a long time.
Could Jane spend the rest of her life with Maura and be happy?
Yeah, she thought so. But she didn't know if Maura could do the same.
But, shouldn't people who were married be in love with each other?
She still thought so.
So, she asked herself again did she love Maura?
Absolutely.
Was she in love with Maura?
That still confused her, but for the first time in all of this, it didn't scare her to ask herself that question.
She loved Maura more than anyone she'd ever known. But did that mean she was in love with her?
She still didn't know. But what she did know was that she couldn't screw this up.
She couldn't lose Maura over this not working out. She couldn't face her life without Maura in it.
Which was sort of a mind blowing thought to Jane as she laid in the middle of the bed in a dark hotel room.
"Holy shit!" she called out into the empty room as she shot straight up into a sitting position.
She needed to find Maura so they could talk this through.
AN: As always, thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments below!