XIX

~ I knew as soon as I got home it was going to be a long night…and it was. It was six o'clock in the morning and for the hundredth time I was tossing over begging for my brain to shut up. I think I actually fell asleep sometime after 3:00AM, but after a good two hours of sleep, I was wide awake again. For the past hour I had been trying my best to get my mind off of him before finally admitting defeat. I crawled out of my warm bed, letting the frigid air wake me up even more. It had started raining sometime in the night, making the temperature drop quite a bit. My room was dark since the sun wouldn't rise for another hour, and the clouds seemed a bit thick too. I had to carefully feel my way to my dresser to change into my running clothes. I was hoping that a nice jog would help me clear my mind. My hopes were even with the rain to wash away all my anxiety. I couldn't tell if I was excited or scared for Monday. Can I even be that patient? Maybe I'll take Mrs. Havoc's invite and have dinner with them… I shook my head hard as I continued to try to find a certain jogging pants I wanted to wear. I probably should've flipped on the light. My hand finally found them, and I quickly made my way to the bathroom. The sooner I changed the sooner I could warm up.

It was no surprise that I could barely keep my eyes open for my morning shift at the bar. It was such a slow morning, and the fact that I got little to no sleep last night did not help in my condition. I was almost done with my shift though, and I looked forward to my nap I had planned once I got home. Levy, my co-worker, has been dropping hints that she was wanting me to go out with everyone tonight. She was the first friend I made when I moved here. She was part of the group that I had become comfortable with. Of course, as it happened to be, they were the same group of friends that Havoc had talked about every now and then. Levy was about my height, maybe just an inch shorter. Her light rose blonde hair brought out her golden eyes. She was a spunky character. Always seemed to look at the bright side of the worse situation. She was engaged to Adam, the young tradesman who was in the shop last night. They complimented each other very well. The last member of the group is Vanessa. She worked as the office assistant at the local physician's office. She was more of the serious type, like a strict mother. Her slick dark hair really made her piercing grey eyes stand out. She was the tallest of the three girls, and the most beautiful. It really didn't help my self-esteem when I found out that Havoc and she use to date. According to Vanessa, they broke up a month after Havoc left for the Academy, but it really seemed like she wasn't over him.

"Did you finally have a late night?" Levy sat down by me at the bar. There were a few customers inside the restaurant part of the building today. Other than that, the place was dead. Normally, the customer's love to sit outside on the patio, but with the rain, they were forced to the indoors today.

"I wish that was the case."

"You didn't go with Adam to the train station?" I softly scoffed at her question.

"No, it was pretty late by the time I closed the shop. A few late-night shoppers didn't think I needed to go home. Plus, I had a hard time falling asleep last night."

"Aw, that's too bad. What kept you up?" You mean besides the thought of Havoc only being a few blocks away constantly running through my mind?

"Not sure. Just couldn't seem to turn off the switch." I said halfway through a yawn. Levy just smiled at me innocently. I straightened up more when I saw the hostess walking over to us.

"Hey Helen, you have some customers and Levy, someone's here to see you." She said in her usual monotone. Levy stood up first, more than curious to see who her visitor was. I on the other hand, was a few good paces behind her. I already knew who was waiting for Levy. Adam would stop by every now and then just to see her face light up.

"Oh my God, Jean!" Levy dashed around the corner the moment she saw everyone in the dining area. I froze a few feet away from the opening. I couldn't even see around the stupid fake bush/tree to see who was all there, but the fact that she said his name had my heart racing so fast that I almost couldn't breathe. I couldn't get my legs to move forward. The sensation to cry was very strong, and yet, not even a mist came to my eyes. I could hear laughter around the corner, and faintly, his voice. "Helen, come out here and meet Jean." Levy had popped her head around really quick to get my legs moving.

"Right." The word came out very breathy. The grip I had loosened slightly as I kept my head down when I walked around the corner with Levy. I used her as a guide to the table, unwilling to look up where I was going. Her strides were filled with excitement. This was it. After what seemed like forever, I was about to be standing in front of him. I was feeling just about every emotion possible, but the sensation to scream was almost unbearable.

"Nice to see you didn't fall asleep on us Helen." Adam jested as Levy, and I approached the table. I slightly looked up right at Adam, but my heart skipped when I could see Havoc in my peripheral vision. I was starting to feel very lightheaded from all the excitement in my chest. "Levy was telling us about your late night."

"It wasn't that late. I just couldn't get my brain to shut up for the life of me." My smile was too big, and my shaking had only gotten worse. I found it hard to believe that the others couldn't tell, but no matter how much I wanted to shift my gaze over, I couldn't stop looking at Adam. "Where are our manners? Helen, this is Jean." This was it. I hesitated longer than what would've been natural, looking down to the ground at first. "Jean, this is Helen." My gaze slowly looked up to find him, sitting in his wheelchair. It took everything in me not to leap across the table and fall into his arms, but as far as I'm concerned he doesn't recognize me. I hardly recognized him with the facial hair he grew. He was staring back at me pretty intensely. So much that I stopped breathing.

"It's…nice to meet you." I said with a more normal smile.

"Yah…" He was definitely analyzing me. Trying to figure out if he knew me or not.

"Anyway, are we ready to order?" Vanessa asked, who was sitting right next to him, and I mean right next to him. I was a bit surprised that I didn't see her sooner.

"I'm going to have the fruit salad." She said as she handed me the menu.

"Still finicky about your food, huh?" Havoc asked her while he skimmed his menu.

"I can't eat that greasy, meaty stuff you guys love so much. Plus, it helps me keep my figure." I contained an eye roll to her statement. Vanessa was all about health. Granted I could probably run laps around her, but when it came to food she had me beat. "I think you'll like this." She leaned in even closer to Havoc, going over the menu with him placing her perfect manicured hand on his chest to help her prop up. I didn't realize I was glaring a hole into her head until Havoc glanced up at me. Immediate embarrassment washed over my face. As I went to look away, I notice the small smirk, the one that always gets my heart racing, creep on his face before he looked back at his menu.

"I'm gonna have the biscuits and gravy. Two biscuits, with bacon on the side, extra crispy." Adam ordered and handed me his menu.

"Do you want anything to drink with that?"

"Nice big glass of milk, please." I nodded my head, then brought my attention back to Havoc. He was still debating over the menu, with Vanessa practically whispering in his ear. I stood there, becoming more impatient, waiting for his order.

"I guess..." He sighed deeply before continuing. "I'll take the Short Stack, with two sunny-side up eggs and bacon, also extra crispy." He snapped the menu shut and handed it to me.

"And what are you having to drink?"

"Coffee. Black." I nodded my head, and quickly walked back inside to place the orders. My shaking had softened, but it was still there. My legs felt like Jell-O. After I placed the orders, I sat back down at the bar, resting my head on my arms. I was trying to slow down my heart rate by breathing in through my nose and out my mouth. A smile slowly spread across my face at the thought of his face coming to my mind.

"Are you okay?" I jumped when Levy placed her hand on my back. She looked worried.

"No, yah. I'm fine." I gave her a weak smile. "I just didn't eat a big breakfast this morning. I'm starting to get pretty hungry."

"Oh jeez." Levy rolled her eyes. "You looked like you were sick. You need to start eating a better breakfast." In some ways, Levy reminded me a bit of Hawkeye. Just more...preppy. "You walked away so fast, Adam didn't get the chance to invite you out tonight." She said as she took her place beside me again. "There's no option out of this either." I wasn't planning on saying no anyways. Not after seeing him.

"Okay. What time?" Levy seemed surprised by my answer. I do normally make an excuse to not go, but tonight was different.

"I'm not sure. I think Vanessa said she wanted to meet up at 8:00? I'll double check."

"I can ask when I drop off the food." Speaking of which, I needed to get the milk and coffee ready for their order. I smiled as I looked at the clock. It was almost the end of my shift. I should probably go check on the other tables I have before I clock out too. I stood up to go pour the drinks for Adam and Havoc, with my hopes only getting higher for this evening.

I think I changed my outfit at least ten different times already, and I was running out of time. My hair and makeup were all good to go. I just couldn't seem to stick with my choice of clothes. I went from short and desperate, to long and grandma-like. Not only was I running out of time, but also options. Looking outside to the still gloomy weather, I finally grabbed a pair of jeans and a nice low cut, dark purple, long-sleeved shirt. The jeans really grabbed me in all the right places, and the shirt certainly made my boobs look good. It wasn't too much, and it wasn't too little. Before I could second guess myself, there was a knock at my door. Before leaving my room I quickly put my new high heeled boots on, slipped on a coat and opened up the door to see Levy outside.

"Look at you!" Levy seemed to approve on my look for the evening. I guess I never really did 'dress up' before.

"Where are the others?"

"They're gonna meet us there." Levy turned around when I met up with her and we made our way down the street. "Do you remember who was working tonight?"

"No, I didn't look at the schedule before I left."

"Hopefully Noah's not working the bar."

"I couldn't agree more." Noah was a bartender that worked at the bar that we also worked at. He's had his eye on Levy for some time now. He's only gotten worse since she became engaged to Adam. He didn't particularly like me due to that I always, as he says, "cock block" him.

"Since I never had the chance to ask, seeing how you pretty much ran out the bar after work... What do you think of Jean?" Her question made me nervous.

"I don't know..." I did just 'meet' him after all. I chuckled to my silent mockery. "He seems like a good guy."

"Yah, he is. Even though he's changed a bit."

"What do you mean?" I brought my hands to my mouth, blowing warm air onto them. It was a lot colder than I thought it would be. I was starting to think it might snow. This weather needs to go away!

"I don't know...I don't know if it's all the military training that's he's been through, or what, but he's just seems different. A good different. He's more quiet, and serious." It took everything I had not to snort at her comment. Havoc? Quiet and serious? If that's the case, I would hate to have known him before the military. "Adam said he met girl."

"Oh?" My heart did a quick little skip.

"Yah. I guess she was on the same team as him for years in the military. According to Jean, she was a real beauty." It was more than the cold air that was turning my cheeks red now. I couldn't believe he was talking about me in this way. I wanted to jump up and down from happiness.

"Good for him." I was doing a pretty good job at containing my enthusiasm.

"Yah, except I kinda feel sorry for Vanessa." Come again? "She's been looking forward to Jean coming home for so long. When she heard that he's seeing someone, she had a pretty bad break down." Been there, done that. "She told me she plans on winning him back." Levy didn't sound so happy about that. I'll admit my heart sank a bit. Vanessa and I weren't very close. I couldn't even consider her as a friend. Learning that she was after my man did not sit well with me. Especially when I can't really do anything about it. I have to keep my identity on the down low.

"What exactly happened between them?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...I know they use to date, but why did they break up?" Levy went quiet. I knew she was trying to decide if she could tell me or not.

"It's not like it's a secret. I guess I could let you know..." She hesitated for another moment before continuing. "When Jean left for the Academy, it was hard on all of us. Especially Vanessa. We all missed him terribly, and we only heard from him every so often. Adam went through a slight depression, but we got used to it, not having Jean around. Vanessa would write him just about every day. Now, I'm not condoning to what she did but...she was very lonely without him." Levy didn't need to finish the story. I knew how it ended. "It was about six months after Jean had left...when Adam found her with another man." I closed my eyes for a few moments. In the month and a half that I have been here, I haven't really gotten to know her, but...Now I don't want to. "Adam really struggled with deciding to tell Jean or not. I'm glad that he did. Even though Jean was completely torn up from the whole thing, it was the right thing to do."

"Can I ask you something?" I could hear the bitterness in my voice. Levy chuckled softly, though it sounded more amused than gleeful.

"Are you curious to why we are still friends?" I didn't reply. "For a while we did stop being friends. After Jean had found out we really never heard from him again. Both Adam and I were bitter towards Vanessa. It took us some time, but we were finally able to move forward." Still, to do that to someone...and she wants to win him back. My stomach turned with disgust. I guess it did explain a few things about Havoc back in the Academy. The bar was finally in sight, and Adam was standing outside, trying to keep his hands warm. Levy hastened her pace and Adam smiled when he spotted her across the street. "What are you doing out here?" She sounded so disapproving.

"I wanted to make sure you got here safe." Adam opened his arms for her as she made her way into them. I still can't get over how adorable they are together. Always made me fantasize about Havoc and me. "Helen, did you stay warm on the way here?"

"For the most part."

"Goodness Adam! You're freezing." Levy was cupping his hands into hers. She looked like she was almost in tears.

"Well let's get inside and have ourselves a nice warm drink. Vanessa and Jean are inside." The three of us entered the bar and was immediately hit with the smell of beer and heat. Tonight, the bar was pretty busy. I don't think I've seen it this full before. I followed Adam and Levy to the table Vanessa and Havoc were sitting at, while taking off my coat. As soon as I spotted him my heart fluttered.

"It's about time you got here. I thought poor Adam was gonna freeze to death out there." Havoc gave us a warm smile and it did warm me up. I still can't get over how different he looks with a beard. I don't think I've ever seen him in that black, long sleeve, button up shirt either. Of course, I took note with how close Vanessa was sitting next to him...again!

"Why did you let him stand out there for so long?" Levy was ready to attack.

"Have you tried telling this mule what to do? I would've relieved him but with this crowd..." Havoc looked down to his wheelchair. I actually forgot all about it for a moment. Everyone felt awkward now. Adam glanced up at me as he sat down next to Havoc, followed by Levy.

"Well, hey there looker!" Adam said a bit too loud. A few people from the tables next to us looked over at me. "Who are you trying to impress tonight?"

"Shut up!" I hissed quietly as I sat down next to Levy. "Can't a girl get dressed up every now and then?"

"Sure, just never seen you look so cute." I could feel my checks get redder and redder with his loudmouth.

"Don't mind him, Helen. He never really knew what to say to a cute girl. He was lucky that Levy even gave him the time of day." Adam looked quite offended.

"I think you're just jealous that I got myself a winner here." Adam wrapped his arm around Levy, making her blush with all the attention.

"Are you guys ready to order yet?" Our waitress was now hovering over us with her notepad. Adam ordered a pitcher of what was on tap, while Levy and Vanessa ordered some kind of sweet and fruity mix. I stole a few glasses from the pitcher as the night went on. We were all having a good time, even when my nerves were twerked every time Vanessa put her hands on Havoc. Every time she would, he would lock eyes with me. It was driving me crazy! Here this other woman was touching my man, and all I could do was watch. He always did get out from her grasp, but it only got her more desperate. Adam and Levy were even starting to feel uncomfortable.

"So, Jean, tell us about your girl." Adam was attempting to change the topic to something I was more than eager to talk about. Vanessa finally retracted and sat back in her chair, not pleased with the new topic. Havoc chuckled a bit as he locked eyes with me again. The amusement in his eyes were more than alluring to me. Did he know?

"I don't know..." He's such a tease!

"Come on. You've hardly talked about her even though I can tell you're just dying to tell us."

"Yah." I was surprised by my outburst, and so was everyone else. Havoc was even more amused.

"Alright, what do you want to know?" Adam thought for a moment.

"How about where you first met?" It was Havoc's turn to think. I remember the moment perfectly. It was only my third day at the academy, and I was still trying to memorize my classroom locations. On my search for one of them, Havoc had stepped right in my path, stopping me in my tracks. At first I was glad, thinking that he would help me find my classroom. Instead, he asked me out on a date. He was so persistent! I had never been so annoyed in my life. It was made clear to me that the use of alchemy was prohibited until the final exam on my third year, to see where I would be placed, but my God I never wanted to break a rule so badly in my life.

"It was the first day of the new recruits and we were all in the cafeteria." My heart was quickening, realizing that his story was going to be different from mine. "The new recruits were all filing in, just the same as we all did on the first day, looking all nervous and eager. A few of my buddies and I were watching them all, placing bets on who would last and who would be crying home. That's when she walked in." I remember my first day, entering that cafeteria for the first time. The food was actually quite decent. "As soon as I saw her, it was like I had forgotten how to breath. She moved with such...electricity." I muffled a laugh at his description. Was he trying to be ironic? "She was busy, scanning the whole room with those beautiful blue eyes of hers, and as they found mine, I couldn't bring myself to look away. I swore my heart was going to explode in my chest. I couldn't even hear my buddies still bantering about the bets. It was like, time had stopped for just that moment, before she gave me a quick smirk before going back to talking to her friends. That's all it took for me to get hooked." He paused for a moment, looking at me. I hadn't realized I was smiling like a dork until he looked at me. Adam and Levy had the same smile on their face. Vanessa didn't look very comfortable. "Of course...I was young and stupid. I still flirted with other girls, even took them out on dates."

"What about her?" Levy pried.

"Oh, you bet your butt I tried! I tried so hard and for so long, but if there was anyone more persistent than me, it was her. She didn't want to give me the time of day and she made it very clear. I just couldn't stop." Levy just shook her head. "A part of me is glad that she never said yes. I can't help but feel that if she had...Maybe I would've done my typical asshole move and dumped her after too long."

"So, she was two years behind you?" Adam asked, before taking another drink from his mug.

"Yah. After I had graduated, I never thought I'd see her again. I left with a lot of regrets...Never thought she would actually end up on the same team with me." Havoc paused for a moment, as if drifting off to a distant memory. He chuckled to himself after a moment.

"What?" Levy pried even more. Havoc shook his head, as if trying to make light of his thoughts.

"I was just remembering something."

"Come on now! Spill it." The look Havoc gave Levy made me think that he really didn't want to share but knew she wouldn't let up until he did.

"I was just remembering how long it took me to realize it was her when she joined the team." Everyone, except Vanessa, was once again interested on the topic at hand. Havoc softly scoffed at our interest. "Keep in mind that I hadn't seen her in two years. Her hair grew, a lot, and she lost quite a bit of weight. Not that she was ever overweight to begin with but...she changed enough for me to not recognize her at first. I think it was a good month before I finally realized it was her." Havoc paused again, recollecting his thoughts. "It wasn't until I really ticked her off that I was able to figure it out. She really had this way of yelling at me that sent fear down my spine."

"What did you even do?"

"I can't even remember...I just remember knowing I screwed up majorly, and those angry blue eyes were once again familiar." I didn't know if I should feel flattered or not by this. Of all things to have him remember me...it was yelling at him. I think I even remember that time. I'm pretty sure it was the day I hunted him down in Eastern HQ because he let a few documents slide. He was at the front desk, like he always was, flirting with whoever was there at the time. I really got in his face, and didn't let up until I felt satisfied, but I do recall seeing a spark in his eyes, behind the panic. I always wondered if that was when he recognized me.

"As much 'fun' we are having with all this, do you think we could change the topic for a little while?" Vanessa was getting sick of listening to Havoc gush over this new love of his. I was kinda curious as to what it is she wanted to talk about.

"Yah, I just have one last question and then Jean can be done gushing over his girl." His girl! My heart fluttered at how much I enjoyed the sound of Adam's words.

"Okay, last question for the night." Havoc said before finishing up his drink.

"When did you know?" Adam's question was a bit vague, but Havoc seemed to know what he meant. He was really digging into his thoughts for this one.

"It was during one of our missions. We've been trying to track down this alchemist that's been terrorizing the citizens for some time back when we were stationed at Eastern HQ. It was reported that this guy was causing earthquakes using alchemy, and he always had this way of disappearing before anyone could catch him. We were assigned the case when he had allegedly killed a young boy. We had staked out for some time, all of us taking shifts. Now keep in mind that Abby's yearly assessment was coming up and she was using this as her way of proving her worth for the military. Catching this guy was vital. I knew she was an alchemist, but I had never seen her use it before. I had no idea what her special technique was that got her a position as a state alchemist, other than what Colonel Mustang had led on." I was such a mess during this time. I hadn't done anything to prove my worth for the military that year. My licenses were on the line. If I didn't prove myself, it would've been a one-way ticket back home. Mustang wasn't very pleased with me either. "While she and I were staked out together, we spotted someone who matched the description perfectly. We pursued him and as planned, he put up a good fight. He even almost got away, but she stopped him using her alchemy. I can't really explain what happened, but..." It actually was a simple formula. It was a lot like how I revived Havoc, only I put a lot more power to it, since it had to travel to reach the target. It always takes a lot out of me.

"What's her special technique?" Levy piped in really quick.

"We call her the Lightening Alchemist. She uses a special glove to ignite the spark, and then she uses alchemy to amplify that spark...To be honest, she explained it to me once, and it didn't really stick. I'm probably not explaining that well." Actually, he is. In simple terms that's what my alchemy is. "She normally just snaps her fingers and a bolt flies right out of her hands, and nails her target!" He was getting pretty excited. "But this time, she snapped her fingers, like she always does, but this time; she quickly clapped her hands like most alchemist do." He was actually going through the motions of my process. He's just too cute! "So instead of a bolt striking, the lightening danced around her hands. It actually looked like it was dancing all around her body, but she clarified it was just her hands. Then, she slammed her hands down onto the ground and it was like a sea of bolts danced their way to him. That imagine of her is burned in my mind. She looked so powerful, but I guess it took a lot out of her. Next thing I knew, after all the sparks went down, she had passed out and hit the ground. At the time, I didn't know what was wrong. I was filled with panic, trying to get her to open her eyes. I thought she might have been injured. After rushing her to the hospital and waiting to hear from the doctor, I realized then...There was no going back. I loved her." We all sat there in silence for a moment, letting Havoc's story play through our minds. "So, Helen, tell me about yourself." Havoc directed the attention towards me.

"Oh, umm..." I wasn't expecting this. "What do you want to know?"

"She's kind of a quiet one." Adam said with a smirk. I mocked a smirk back at him.

"Where're you from?"

"North." Keep my answers short and simple. Makes it easier to keep track of the lies that I have to tell.

"Oh really? I have a few buddies up that way!" Of course, he does. "Where're you from exactly?" Crap...All the other people who have asked that question never really bothered to asked for more details. Just telling them I was from the Northern region was enough for them since they're not too familiar with the towns up there. Think Abby, think! What was one of those town's names?

"Uh..." Everyone seemed to be intrigued as I scrambled in the back of my brain from the last time I looked at a map. "Aszamem." I think I pronounced that right...

"Huh, yah my buddies are more towards North City."

"Military right?" I asked to keep the flow going, hoping I was selling it.

"Yah. Does it get cold from where you're from?" Please stop asking me questions!

"Ya-yah. It can get pretty cold..." Jesus. Someone please say something to get us off this!

"Say Jean..." Thank you Vanessa! "I was thinking we could go do some shopping tomorrow. Judging by your small bag you brought with you, looks like you could use some new clothes." Vanessa leaned back into him.

"Sure." It was really starting to get on my nerves that he was letting her get so close. He could at least ask her to back off. "You want to join us?" His eyes found mine again, but they didn't linger. He also looked at Adam and Levy, waiting for their response.

"Yah!" Levy wrapped her arm around my neck and brought me in closer, as if saying I had no choice. "Shopping day!" She was starting to reach her limit. I didn't realize until now, but I was even starting to feel a bit toasty. I couldn't help but laugh as Levy started to sway us both back and forth.

"Alright! Another round!" Adam swung his hand in the air, waving down the waitress before she walked by. The rest of the night went smoothly. Levy and I gossiped with each other for the most part as we all continued to drink. We tried to bring Vanessa in the conversation, but she was too preoccupied with getting Havoc's attention. Adam and Havoc were catching up and being nostalgic.

When the bar became emptier, making it easier for Havoc to wheel out, we all made our way back outside to the cold air. We all agreed that we would travel home together. I would be the first to be dropped off, Vanessa would be next, then Havoc, and Levy and Adam would walk home together. Best way to make sure everyone made it home safe, since we all couldn't seem to walk that straight. Levy and I practically hung onto each other the whole way to my place, leading the way. Adam had to redirect us every once in awhile as we tried to make our way down a wrong street. I would glance behind me every now and then to see Vanessa and Havoc getting all cozy with each other in conversation. She was just happily pushing him along in his chair with a great big grin on her face. I don't think I've seen her smile so much before. It pissed me off. When we reached my place, I stood in my doorway, waving them all goodbye.

"We'll come pick you up tomorrow! Don't forget!" Adam shouted over his shoulder as they all made their way down the sidewalk. Levy was now clinging onto Adam, and he was trying his best to hold onto her. Havoc was still looking over his shoulder at me. We kept eye contact until they were so far down that Havoc couldn't turn his head anymore. With his head turning back forward, I slowly shut my front door and let the warmth of my rental home soak in as I slumped to my knees. I was glowing with happiness. Not only did I get to see him, but I was even able to hear all those stories. I turned around so my back was now leaning against my front door. Even though I was overjoyed from tonight, a strong sense loneliness swept over me as I listened to the silence of my house. I miss Breda...Fuery...and even Falman. The image of Mustang sitting at his desk, with that stupid cocky smirk on his face came to my mind, and Hawkeye right next to him.

"I miss you..." I whispered as I shuttered out a sigh. I was really looking forward to tomorrow. ~

End OF CHAPTER 19

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