XXIII

~It was a beautiful, cloudless day. The sun was bright, but I couldn't feel the heat from it. I was standing in the middle of a wheat field. The field went on for miles. This feeling inside me…I've felt it before, but from where?

"Abby…" I turned my head to look behind me, to the familiar voice. "My beautiful girl." My mother was standing off in the distance. Her long blonde hair matches the brightness of the sun. A gust of wind blew around us as a pit in my stomach sank. Both our white dresses pressed against our skin, going with the wind.

"Mother?" I turned my body to start walking to her. I knew I had to get to her, but why?

"Why did you leave me? I've been all by myself…"

"Mother!" I took off in a sprint as panic struck me. The more I ran, the farther away she became.

"Do not freight, my child. I won't be alone for much longer. I'll be seeing your father soon."

"No, please mother! I'm sorry. Please don't leave me! I need you!" Even with the distance between us, I could see her sad, beautiful smile. I've seen it so many times before, but this time I knew it would be the last. "Mother!" I cried out as I reached for her, but it was all for nothing.

"I love you…" She started to disappear in the air, right before my eyes. It was as if whoever had a hold on me finally let go, for I could close the distance between us, but I was too late. My hand that was still reached out closed around nothing. I now stood there, all alone in this field with the wind blowing my hair in my face to hide the tears on my cheeks. I clenched my teeth together to try and stop the quiver in my lower lip.

"No!" I screamed into the wind, knowing there was no one there to hear my cry.

"Abby?" I slowly opened my eyes to the sound of Jean's voice. When I rolled over to face him, he wasn't next to me anymore. I groggily sat up and looked around for him. "Good, you're awake." His voice was coming from the floor, his chair hadn't moved from where he left it last night. I leaned over the edge of the bed to find him lying on the floor, on his back. Sweat was running down his forehead and down his bare chest.

"What are you doing down there?" My voice was very coarse. I needed a drink of water.

"I didn't want to disturb you, so I'm doing my daily workout here. I typically do it in bed. Were you having a nightmare?" He was watching me carefully. The dream came back to me in an instant.

"No, I'm fine."

"You were crying out for your mother." My chest tightened to his words. I had a bad feeling about all this. Every time I have a dream like that…it tends to come true in one way or form.

"It was just a nightmare, Jean. No need for that face." I'll just make a quick call to home to make sure things are okay.

"Come here." His face was soft, and understanding. I crawled out of bed and onto the floor, slowly making my way to him. "Right here." He gestured for me to straddle him again. The view I had now had me wishing I saw this last night. His hand caressed my check, easing my heart. "You know you can talk to me, right?" I placed my hand on top of his, giving his palm a quick kiss before placing it back on my cheek.

"I know." Although his touch eases me, it hasn't quieted my mind. I keep replaying that dream over and over in my head. Just then my stomach growled a bit too loudly for my taste. I didn't even realize I was hungry until now. He looked at me lovingly and even gave me a chuckle.

"So, what's for breakfast?"

"I haven't thought of it yet. What sounds good?"

"You." Why the hell did that turn me on so fast? What is this man doing to me?

"I'm being serious, Jean." I looked away, trying my best to hide my embarrassment from my lower area going crazy.

"So am I." He took his hand away from my cheek and grazed his fingers up my thigh. Shit! My body was starting to feel warm and warmer the more his hand went up. I knew I was in trouble when he went under his shirt that I was still wearing. I need to get up and out of here, but I couldn't get myself to move. I wanted…no, needed his touch. I wanted what happened last night to happen again. I needed him to make me feel good again. With only desire driving me now, I slightly lifted myself off him, to make his access easier. He gently played with the upper part of me, teasing me. I leaned forward, placing my hands on the floor, on either side of his head. My hair fell over my shoulder and draped down on his face. He didn't budge, or even try to brush it away. He only brought his other hand and glided it up my back, under his shirt. An unwilling moan came from me by the new drive I had with his stern hand making its way back down by back, stopping on my bare ass. His first hand finally made its way lower to me, but still not giving me what I want. My breath quickened with the anticipation of his fingers dancing around my opening, and his other hand squeezing my ass. This is it. This is what going crazy feels like. With only passion in his eyes, an evil smirk crept on his face. "You're too cute." He pulled both of his hands away, just to bring them to caress my face and pull me down for a kiss. What? He broke the kiss and relaxed under me, putting his hands behind his head with a look of triumph. What?! Realizing what just happened, I shot to my feet, glaring daggers at him.

"You're a real ass, you know that?" I stomped my way to the door and flung it open.

"Abby, don't be like that." There was laughter behind his voice. I can't believe he just did that. Make me so desperate for him. Making me show him that side of me, just for his satisfaction. I stormed down the hallway towards the kitchen to let my anger out on whatever I was going to make. I froze in place after passing the living room door. Did I…Did I just see someone in there? I slowly backed up and peeked into the room that we were all in last night as we watched Jean play his song. Complete panic consumed me when I saw Mr. Havoc sitting in his lounge chair, reading today's paper. He looked over to me for a moment, and then made a double take, processing that I was standing there, in nothing but Jean's shirt. I breathed in, realizing that I had stopped breathing for a moment.

"Oh, Abby, Good morning." I didn't say anything in return. I was still too shocked to process why he was here.

"Good morning, Abby." I almost jumped out of my skin, covering my mouth to stop the scream that almost escaped by Mrs. Havoc's sudden appearance behind. I turned back around, placing my back on the wall, my hand still covering my mouth. She was standing in the kitchen's door way, looking me up and down, while mixing some kind of batter in a bowl. I went from being in heaven to dropping straight into hell. I slowly took my hand from my mouth so I could pull Jean's shirt down more, hoping that some kind of miracle would happen and I would become fully clothed.

"Good morning." My words were barely a whisper. Mrs. Havoc smiled at me, understandingly.

"Allan, dear? Could you look the other way, so she can go back to Jean's room to change?" Please, God, just smite me now! "You can go, sweetie." I nodded and shamefully made my way back to Jean's room. I closed the door slowly behind me and held in a scream. Jean was sitting in his chair now, seeming confused by my presence.

"Did I hear someone out there?" He pulled over the shirt he had in hands over his torso.

"Yah…"

"Who's out there? Are you okay?" I had no intention with hiding my shame from my face. His parents just caught us. It might not have been with our hands in the cookie jar, but none the less, we were caught.

"You're…parents." I had to let out a scornful laugh, just to relieve some of my embarrassment. His eyes widened in horror. I imagine that's what mine looked like just moments ago.

"What?" I pushed my lips together, not knowing what else to say. "When did they get back?"

"I don't know. I just walked passed your father in the living room and then your mother snuck up behind me, scarring the daylights out of me. She sent me back here to change." I sunk down to the floor, covering my face with my hands.

"Well there goes our day…" He looked towards the window, seeming to be contemplating something. "Well I'll let you get changed. I imagine my mother is going to make you stay for a very awkward breakfast." I looked up at him, not wanting to move.

"Can't we just hide out in here?" A sly smile formed on his face.

"We could, but…" There's always a 'but'. "I don't think my parents would appreciate any of the activities we would be doing in here." There goes my heart…again. Not to mention the temperature in this room increased so suddenly. Feeling embarrassed all over again, I stood up and moved out of the way so he could open the door. "I'll see you out there." He gave me a meek smile and wheeled himself out. I closed the door behind him and decided to change into the extra clothes that I had packed, preparing myself for the day ahead.

A few days past and I was back at the general store helping Mrs. Havoc move a few things. We had a good heart to heart the other day. I ended up helping her make breakfast. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be. I was a bit tense when she brought up the previous night, but all she asked was that we respected them and their house rules. No premarital sex. She said it with a gentle smile, as if saying that she understood, but still please still follow our rules.

"Hey, Helen, you got a phone call." Jean called from across the store for me. For me? I glanced at Mrs. Havoc to make sure she was alright by herself.

"You go and I'll take a break." She waved me off, a bit out of breath. I was trying to figure out who would be calling me as I made my way to the front. No one knows that I'm here, at least not for certain. Except…

My heart dropped to my stomach all too fast. I even stopped in my tracks with the indication that it was him. Everything in me was telling me to go back to Mrs. Havoc. Pretend like I didn't hear Jean and continue on with my life. As long as I didn't have to hear his voice.

"Abby." Jean yelled across the store again, but it didn't get me to move.

"Is everything alright, dear?" Mrs. Havoc was standing next to me now, placing her hand on my back. I only looked at her, pleading for this to not be happening. "Helen?" Snap out of it Abby. You're starting to worry her.

"Yes, just gathering myself is all." I tried my best to give her a whole-hearted smile, but knew it was in vain. My feet started to move all on their own, and when I reached Jean my hands were shaking. He handed me the phone and the look he had made me knew that he was concerned. I just stared at the receiver, unable to bring it up to my ear. Jean took a hold of my other hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He had no idea what was going on, but knew it wasn't good. Come on Abby, just get this over with. With a new-found determination, I brought the phone to my ear. He squeezed my hand one more time before rolling away to go help his mother, giving me my privacy. Little did he know that I wanted…needed him here next to me.

"Hello?" My voice was barely audible, even for me. There was nothing but silence on the other end. Did they hang up? Before a wave of relief could come over me, I heard him take a breath.

"She went peacefully." A familiar low, gentle voice came from the other side of the receiver. I had to use the hand that Jean was holding just a moment ago to keep myself up on my feet, placing it on top of the counter. I knew this day would come, but I still wasn't ready to hear those words. I had to really focus on my breathing. Making sure that I didn't hyperventilate and cause a scene. I had been meaning to call to check on her, but every time I would pick the damn phone up, I could never dial the number.

"When?" My voice was still quiet and calm.

"Earlier this morning. The doctor is thinking sometime after 4:30." I closed my eyes, letting it all sink in. She's gone. I really didn't know how I felt about it. There was only one other question that I wanted to ask, but I'm almost scarred to. The voice on the other end didn't say anything. He just waited for me to collect my thoughts. I opened my eyes again and looked straight ahead of me. I had to know.

"I just need to know one more thing. Did she, um…Did she…" I couldn't finish the question. I knew whatever the answer was; it was only going to break my heart.

"She called for you." Please don't do this…He knew exactly what I was wanting to ask. "Right before I put her to bed, she went searching for you, but as usual you were nowhere to be found." I deserved this. I deserved the cruelty of his words. In the end, she remembered. God was truly a sick being. "Will there be anything else?"

"No."

"What about the will?"

"Burn it, along with the house and everything in it."

"Abby." He was not pleased. As a matter fact, I would even say he was angry, which is unheard of for him. "She wanted you to keep the house, the property, everything."

"I never wanted it. Any of it."

"You won't even give her, her dying wish?"

"I have no reason to keep it."

"Then just sell the damn thing. Why do you have to burn it?" Symbolism maybe? I mean…the Elric brothers seemed to have had the right idea. I have nothing to go back to now. What's the point in keeping any memories? They'll only tie you down.

"You can expect your last paycheck soon. I'll make the arrangements. After that, consider all ties between us broken."

"You're really okay with this? Losing everything they have ever worked for? They wanted you to have this for your family." There was pain in his voice. Why was he the one getting emotional?

"That was their decision, and this is mine." No response. I could tell he was trying to calm his breathing. I don't think I've ever heard him this infuriated before.

"Very well." His shaky voice finally came back through the receiver. "Will there be anything else?"

"No."

"I'll see to it then. Have a good day-"

"Wait." I looked back down to the counter, where my hand still was squeezed tight. Just one thing…Just one memory. He waited for me to continue. "Before you burn everything…if you're able to save one of her bushes…" I knew I didn't need to explain anymore. Most of my memories with her were out there in her garden, especially with the rose bushes. They were her pride and joy, right next to me, as she would always say that.

"I'll see what I can do." Next thing I heard was the click, telling me he was no longer on the other end. It's done. I hung the phone up but couldn't move from the spot. I could feel it all coming out but fought to keep it in. The rage, my scream, the tears…All I could see was her face. Her beautiful, loving face that looks nothing like mine. I should have told him to keep a picture of the two of them. That way their faces would never fade from me.

"Excuse me, miss?" I jolted to attention when a customer snuck up behind me. I quickly spun around, all while regaining my composure.

"I was hoping you could help me find this?" She handed me her short list that was written on a wrinkled piece of paper. I looked at the few items that weren't crossed off yet.

"Of course! Right this way."

The rest of the day was predictable. I couldn't focus on anything and constantly had to deny that anything was wrong. Jean asked, only a few times, who I talked to but after the third or fourth time, he gave up. I knew he was still worried, because he was being stubborn about walking (or should I say wheeling?) me home. I kept the door open for him and locked it as soon as he came through. Without missing a beat, I placed my keys on their hook by the door and made my way to the stove to start dinner. He was going to start asking questions, which meant I was going to have to start really thinking about it. Something I wasn't ready to do. I continued preparing the meal in silence. It was starting to bug me. My movement started to become more aggressive the more the silence continued. I could see the funeral. See how all her friends would be there, but no family. I could see the house, now empty and lonelier then it's ever been. Going up in flames and taking everything that I once had with it. I could hear her voice…screaming and crying out to me. Panicked that I was nowhere to be found.

I grabbed the piece of chicken that I was attempting to cut up and threw it across the kitchen. I didn't realize that my breathing became abnormal until I crouched down and cradled my head in my hands. I finally let the tears fall out and down my cheeks. She didn't deserve what I did to her. She was the last person I ever wanted to hurt, but I just couldn't… I felt Jean place his hand on my shoulder. The comfort he already gave me had me squeezing my eyes shut, forcing the tears to pour out faster.

"Talk to me." His voice was gentle, and concerned. I couldn't speak. I can't say it. "I'm here for you."

"My mother…" I finally managed to say through a hard sob. "Is dead." His hands tightened around my shoulder. As if he was trying to take the pain from my words away. "She's dead." I whimpered out. He pushed on my shoulder, forcing me to turn around on my knees to bring me in for an embrace. He didn't say anything. He only held me and that was enough. After a while he started to pet my head, trying to calm me down, but he never dared to tell me to do so. It was working though. It took some time, but I finally calmed down.

"Let's go sit." Normally, I would comment that he's already sitting, but not now. He helped me up and guided me to the small kitchen table I had. I sat down and immediately reached for his hands. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know. Does anyone really want to talk about it?" I tried to say it with a smile. I thought about it for a moment, and with no real desire I start to pour everything out. "She died earlier this morning. They say she went peacefully in her sleep…" I had to pause to stop another sob from coming out. "And I'm grateful for that, but…before she went to bed that night she…" My voice gave out with her voice screaming in my head. "She remembered me. She was calling out for me, but I wasn't there. I was never there when she needed me. I'm a terrible daughter." Before I could continue my hysterical rant, I was pulled back into his chest, shutting me up for the moment. A soft sob escaped my lips as my bottom lip quivered.

"You're not a terrible daughter…" I started to chuckle rather mockingly by his ignorance.

"You have no idea." I pushed away from him so I could look him in the eyes. "I left her, all by herself for years." The anger that was bubbling in me was becoming more potent. "She never deserved that. Why did I leave her?" I brought my hand to my forehead, looking away as if doing so would help keep any sanity I had left in. "She just…became so hard to be around after father died." That day when we got the news of my father's death, I knew something in her snapped. The doctors had to prescribe her a few medicines to help her stop seeing the illusions of him and help her sleep at night. As the years passed she had slowly started to forget me. Some days she would know who I was, other days…I was as good as a stranger to her. The doctor had a fancy word for her condition, but I can never remember the name. "I saw her before I came here." My hand dropped from my head and lay on my lap. "Right after Mustang sent me away. I bought a ticket to Kadayr. I didn't want to…but I had to make arrangements with her care giver to make sure he always had a way to get a hold of me." Boy was he surprised when he saw me walking up the drive way. My mother on the other hand…it was like I had never left. "I was only going to stay for that one night but…I wasn't expecting her to remember me. For almost a month, I had my mother again." He did say she was getting better and better every day. "One early evening though, she forgot again. The mother I had only a few moments ago was gone. I was once again a stranger. I left right after she went to bed and bought my next ticket to here." I finally looked back up to him. His face was hard to decipher but I could tell he was having a hard time trying to figure out what to say to me. "In the long run, it wasn't safe for me to be there anyways. I found out that a few days after I left, the military was there looking for me." I let out a small chuckle. "To be honest, I'm kinda surprised that they haven't come looking for me here." I paused to look at him, as if asking for his comfort.

"Let's go to bed." I loved that he always knew what I needed. Whether I knew it or not, but first…I have to make a call.

"I'll be right behind you. I have to make a few arrangements first." I wiped away the last of the tears that had fallen and stood up. He didn't move. Just looked at me as if I was going to break down again. "I'm okay Jean. I promise I'll come to bed in just a few minutes. I have to make sure that the care giver's last pay check gets to him."

"It can't wait till morning?"

"I want to get this done." He took hold of my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before leaving me. I walked to my phone, that I have only used once since I bought it. I placed my hand on the receiver and went through different scenarios on how this call was going to go. I took in a deep breath in and released it before picking up the phone and dialed the first number. It rang a few times and I was about to hang up and try the second number when I heard the line pick up. Instantly I held my breath before I heard his voice.

"Mustang speaking." All be darned…he was actually home. I wasn't expecting this. I moved my mouth up and down without making a sound. I was freezing up. I haven't heard his voice in so long, I practically forgot what it sounded like. "Hello?" Just talk before he hangs up. Several moments went by with no one talking. I was surprised that I didn't hear a click. "What are you doing, calling here? It's dangerous." He didn't sound happy. My eyes widened as I held my breath. How did he know it was me? "Is everything alright?" What a question. The last thing anything is, is alright. Still not able to say a word to him, we both stayed there in silence. I should just hang up. My ears perked up when I heard him clear his throat. "I'm sorry for your lost." How did he-? "I've already set the last of your arrangements. Her care giver should be getting their last check. Was there anything else?" I couldn't believe it. I never told anyone that she was…

"Thank you." Was all I whispered weakly into the receiver before hanging it up. Leave it to him to find out the one thing I didn't want anyone to know. I guess I should be grateful. I wiped away the quick tears that had started to well up before they could escape. I walked away from the phone to join Jean. He had already stripped down to his boxers and was tucked in bed, waiting for me. For a man in a wheelchair, he could sure move fast.

"Come here." He stretched his arms out to me and I wanted nothing more than to jump into them. I lifted my pointed finger up asking for one moment. I grabbed a nightie from my dresser and quickly changed into it, facing away from him. When I turned back around, I caught him looking me up and down.

"Oh no. Don't even think about it." I said as I crawled into his arms.

"Well duh." He wrapped me up and brought me closer to his chest. I snuggled right in and took a deep breath, taking in his scent. With how little he smokes now, his cigarette smell is going away. It's still there, but just faintly. "I mean…I can think about it. Just can't do anything." I let out an exasperated chuckled. Leave it to him to get me to smile when all I want to do is cry. I felt the tears coming back and knew there was no point in fighting them. He started to pet my head and let me cry quietly, getting his chest wet. "If you don't mind me asking…what was her name?"

"Helen…" I sniffled out, trying to control my sorrow. Her name was the first one that popped into my mind when I was signing the lease to my rental. "Her name was Helena, and my father's name was Noah." My father was KIA when I was 10. I was never given the chance to meet him. When they brought his body home to be buried, it was like attending a stranger's funeral. I held my mother's hand as she wept through the whole thing, and then some.

"Tell me about her." He started to graze his fingers up and down my arm. The gestured had become rather calming for me. I began to go through my memories of her. The time when she first started to teach me how to cook and what disaster of a dish I had made. She still ate everything I made though. Not to mention all the times I would help her out with her garden. It was starting to become difficult to keep my eyes open and I was starting to slur my words with fatigued. "I love you." That was the last thing I heard him whisper before I drifted off into a dreamless night. ~