XXV
~ The late spring evening air was crisp, which meant it was perfect for a bonfire for the newly academy graduates. The sun had just set but left behind the dusk glow giving everyone a little more time to get things going before lighting the fire.
I was skeptical with the location. We could've all easily had gone to town to a local bar but for whatever reason everyone was excited to drive practically to the middle of nowhere for a bonfire by the creek. I read a couple books about murders happening in places like this. However nice and peaceful it was…my guard was up for an axe murderer to slowly emerge from the shallow woods.
I sat on a small boulder next to the creek, away from the commotion as the party starters got things going. I was starting to get a bit overwhelmed and with so many people helping, I felt like I was just standing around, getting in the way. So. I opted for minding my business and tending to my thoughts. I starred at the slow-moving water; elbow propped on my knee with my chin resting in the palm of my hand.
This was…this was the last night. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming for a long time now. It's not like graduation snuck up and popped out on us, so…why does it feel like it? I felt I was cheated on time. It feels like it was only just a few short weeks ago that I acquired these feelings for him and now he's…
"Has the moping already started?" I blinked a few times, being yanked out of my depressing thoughts with Havoc's voice in the air. I looked to the side where the bonfire was still having difficulty starting and saw his dark silhouette drawing closer.
"I'm not…moping." I said dryly as I looked back to the creek, heart catching to a quicker rhythm. He stopped and stood next to me.
"I don't know…there's this weird cloud hanging over your head and it looks like it's about to rain." I felt his hand fan over my head, as if he was dissipating this imaginary cloud. I just shook my head in mild amusement. "Why you here all by yourself? Where's your little posse?"
"Oh." I leaned back just a little so I could get a good glance towards the bonfire to see if I could spot any of my friends. My heart quickened when I realized just how close he was standing to me, and we caught eyes for barely half a second. "They're somewhere over there. I'm sure being more useful than I was able to be." I quickly looked back to the edge of the water, making sure not to catch his eyes again. I don't know if my nerves could handle this awkwardness. Why did I have to catch feelings for him? Why wasn't he just annoying like he was before? Months ago, his presence wouldn't be fazing me like it is now. I'd be wishing for him leave me alone, and not thinking about how good his cologne smells and dear God, does he smell good! He caught my interest when I heard him hitting something.
I glanced back over to him to see he was smacking the bottom of a cigarette packet to the palm of his other hand. He stopped when he noticed me looking and gave me an innocent smirk that had guilt written all over it. He extended his arm, offering his carton.
"Want one?" I crinkled my nose up, which was more than an answer for him. "Suit yourself." He took a cigarette out, put the pack back in his jacket pocket and was now trying to find a match.
"Since when do you smoke?" I asked as he brought his match out and stroked it against the rock, somehow igniting the flame. Before he could lite his cigarette the flame blew out from the sudden breeze that was just enough to extinguish it.
"Damn it." He hung his head in defeat. "That was my last match. I gotta get one of those lighters." He said as he took the cigarette out of his mouth, putting it back in the pack but this time shoving the pack in his back pocket. He seemed troubled when he noticed the look I was giving him. "What?"
"Nothing, it's just…I don't see how you think you're going to get any girls smelling like one of those things."
"What are you talking about? They don't smell that bad."
"They smell disgusting. No girl is going to go 5 feet near you." His hesitation made me think he was contemplating it.
"Then I guess I just get a girl who likes it or acquires a taste for it…or would it be acquires a smell for it?" I scoffed at his logic. "Think you'd ever acquire it?" My stomach flipped with the instant fantasy that he was asking because he was still interested in me.
"Never." I answered briskly, telling myself to calm down. That he was just asking a curious question and probably didn't mean any more than that. I mean…by the morning he'll be long gone and who knows if we'll ever run into each other again. There's no way we could ever have something more than what it already was. Damn it!
Feeling my mood shift back into a sullen state, I tried to shake it off by standing up and moved closer to the edge of the bank. I could ask for his contact info. Just two friends staying in touch with one another, but are we even friends? I think so…we never really got along. Well…I never got along with him. Up until recently he was the bane to my existence but apparently all you have to do to win my favor is bring me some stupid flowers. My heart tightened when I knew that if I didn't at least ask, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I needed to at least try, one time, to keep the very little connection that we have.
"Listen. Havoc…" I could feel my palms instantly sweat as my heart quickened to an unhealthy pace. I didn't dare look at him. I knew all my feelings for him would be written on my face. "I was hoping…if it wouldn't be too weird…if I-"
"There you are!" I wasn't sure if he jumped with me, but he whipped his head around just as fast as I did to Jessica walking right toward us. "Ugh, you." I didn't realize how dark it had gotten until now as I couldn't quite make out the face she was making, but her tone expressed it all.
"And you." Havoc replied with the most unbothered tone. I just noticed that the bonfire was up and roaring now, which is why she must have finally gotten enough time to realize that I was missing. We were far away enough that the glow from the fire was just barely able to reach us.
Jessica walked right past him, and I could now unmistakably see the stink eye she was giving him. She linked her arm with mine and drew me close. "How many times does she have to tell you she's not into you? Honestly. Get the hint and move on! I know there's plenty of younglings by the fire just dying to grab your attention." His hands were tucked in his jean pockets, and he didn't hold back any annoyance on his face.
Honestly, I was pretty annoyed myself. This was probably the last moment alone we would have. "Come on, Meyer is curious where you went." A teasing grin spread on her face as she started to pull me away.
"What? Why?" A small panic rose in me. Meyer was another academy attendee, same year as me and for whatever reason had a fixation on me. He wasn't as annoying as Havoc used to be, but he came very close.
I glanced back at Havoc, who didn't seem all that pleased that I was being dragged away. I reluctantly looked ahead as we approached the fire and everyone around it. Just about everyone had a drink in their hand and were talking amongst themselves. There were a few that were already getting rowdy and running around, trying to find things to throw into the fire. I found Meyer talking with Sofia and I dug my feet into the ground causing Jessica and I to stop in place. The last thing I wanted was to be forced into a conversation that I already wanted nothing to do with.
"What's wrong? Did you want to get a drink first?" Jessica asked.
"What? No, I'm good I just…" I really wasn't planning on drinking tonight but when I saw Meyer notice me… "Actually, I think a drink is exactly what I need to loosen up." I forced out a laugh as I unclung Jessica from myself and swiftly made my way to the drink table.
There was quite a bit of options to choose from. At this point I didn't care what it was as long as it will get me through this night. I know avoiding Meyer was not going to happen so might as well get me to a state where I won't remember much of tonight. I decided to pour myself a shot of whiskey and downed it right away. It got me coughing a few times and shuddered as the warmed liquid hit my stomach.
I glanced over my shoulder and I saw Meyer walking over, eyes locked on me. I looked back to the bottles on the table as a brick of dread hit my stomach. Or maybe it was just the shot settling in?
I don't have anything really against Meyer. He seems like he's a pretty decent guy but…I'm just not interested. I can't ever put a finger on it but there's just something about him that makes me uneasy. He also knows I'm not seeking a relationship, especially not here, yet he continues to express his "feelings" for me. I just don't get it. Why me?
"Good evening, Lovington." I couldn't help but cringe when I felt him brush up against me as he reached over for a bottle.
"Good evening." I basically mumbled as I took a step to the side. I masked it by reaching for a different bottle that was at the end of the table.
I don't know why I feel I had to mask my movements away from him. There wasn't anything wrong in letting him know that he made me uncomfortable. Hell, I could even tell him that he didn't need to stand so close…but I just couldn't get the words out. At least not yet. I looked at the second shot I poured myself and prayed to it to give me strength before shooting it like I did the last one. I didn't cough so much this time and I was quite proud of myself.
A few others had joined the table. A girl whom I had never met excused herself as she reached across me for a bottle. I decided that I had enough of everyone getting into my bubble and poured myself a cup of something. I didn't look at what it was but as long as my cup was full I didn't care.
I walked away with my cup topped off and was now on the search for Jessica…or Amy…or Sophia. I was hoping for all three. There weren't that many people here, but clearly there was enough to make it difficult to spot the three people I wanted. I decided to stop and just admire the fire.
I heard the slow, soft sound of a guitar starting to play. Someone must have just pulled it out. I looked around until I spotted the two people. The other person was still getting the guitar tuned as the first one strummed louder and started their song. I couldn't help but smile as the second one rushed with finishing their tuning and joined in with the first guitar. The two of them coming together in harmony in a rather upbeat tune. The first guitarist even started singing, keeping the beat lively. I started to bounce into a sway as I enjoyed their song.
That's when I saw Havoc come in view from the other side of the fire, watching the two guitarists intently while nodding his head to the beat. He must have found someone with a match or lighter, as he was now sucking on a lit cigarette. I couldn't help but check out his profile as I tipped my drink to my lips, peering at him over the rim of my cup. He was very…alluring. This rather new appreciation of his physique was rather troubling.
As he pulled the cigarette from his mouth after a long drag, he did a quick glance around but caught me staring. My breath skipped as we locked eyes. His expression changed from pure entertained to absolute boastful as he blew out his puff. I wasn't even drinking my drink anymore. I was just frozen in his gaze. I could feel those shots starting to work or maybe I was feeling warm from those alluring blue eyes. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to walk over to him. So, I can hear the music better?
"Do you play?" I almost spilt my drink all over myself from how fast I looked up to Meyer. I didn't realize that he was standing right next to me. I wonder for how long?
"What?" I looked to him confused. Meyer nodded his head toward the guitarist. "Oh…no. I don't play, but I do like to watch." I said as I started to bounce again to the beat, taking another drink from my cup. Whatever it was that I poured myself, it was good.
"I used to play the trumpet." I started choking on my drink as I breathed in a laugh. I don't know why, but that detail about Meyer cracked me up. The shots were on their way and I was embracing them. "Why is that funny?" Meyer's tone was on the amused side.
"I don't know. I'm just picturing you playing the trumpet and…" I started a fit of laughter and I was probably being a bit too loud. I placed my free hand on his bicep to help ease myself from swaying. When I looked back at him, I saw a rather happy Meyer looking back at me. I realized how close we looked, and it snapped me out of my fit. "I guess there's something about you playing the trumpet that's funny…I guess." I cleared my throat as I regained my composure. I tried to steal a glance at Havoc, but he wasn't where I last saw him. I shifted my eyes around the area to see if I could stealthily locate him. He was nowhere to be found.
Two people were now dancing to the music, and it seemed to be catching on as a few more joined in. Whether they were couples or not, who knows, but they were enjoying the moment. I watched in admiration, swaying once again. Meyer cleared his throat and I saw in my peripheral that he set his cup down on the ground, wiping his palms on his pants.
For the love of God, please don't ask me to dance. Please!
"So…would you dance with me if I promised my dancing skills are far less humorous than my trumpet playing?" I only looked up at him, wistfully.
"Hmm…I don't know. I think I'm much more invested in this trumpet playing. You wouldn't happen to lug it around with you?" I got a bashful laugh out of him. Am I…Am I honestly flirting with him right now? Drunk Abby has officially arrived! Havoc was out of sight and clearly out of mind now.
"Unfortunately, I don't, so I think you'll have to settle for a dance." He held up his hand for me to take. I stared at that hand for a good moment before finishing my drink. I tossed the plastic cup toward the bonfire, and it just barely made it in. I looked up to the blackened sky and took in a deep breath. I can't believe I'm about to do this.
"Excuse me, sorry. I'm gonna need her for a moment." I snapped my head back forward when I heard his voice. Havoc had put himself between Meyer and I, blocking the bonfire from my vision. His hand slid down to my wrist, hesitated for just a moment and then laced his fingers with mine. I saw the quick nod he gave Meyer and before Meyer could protest, Havoc was walking away with me in a tight tow.
I willingly, very willingly, let him take me. We walked by the fire, past the guitarist and he stopped among the dancers. "Hope you wore your dancing shoes, Lovington." Before I could respond, he enthusiastically brought me in close and started us into a jitterbug. I'm sure my laughter could be heard clear to the academy. I know very little on how to jitterbug, but when he moved, I moved. I'm not sure how in sync we actually were but I didn't care.
My first, and so far only boyfriend, Thomas, knew how to dance. He was exceptional and I was able to learn a thing or two from him but this…this connection with Havoc wasn't anything I had with Thomas. It was like we had become one. It felt intimate. Even more intimate than losing my virginity to Thomas. Where he would put his hands, no matter how appropriate, had me going crazy. I was realizing that I wanted his hands exploring every inch of me. Going to places that even Thomas never had the chance to get to.
I stumbled and fell to the ground in a fit of awkward laughter. Havoc still had a hold of one of my hands as he put his feet on either side of my body. I was still giggling like an idiot from the thrill of it all as he just gazed at me, with a rather mind melting smile. His stare got me to calm my giggles and we just stayed as we were, watching one another. My heart ached as I knew those eyes wouldn't be around anymore. I wouldn't find them searching for me. I had to quickly look away as I felt the start of tears welling up.
"You ok?" He gently squeezed my hand.
"Yep." I tried to discreetly wipe away the single stream that ran down the side of my face. I doubt he didn't notice but he didn't say anything, so I was gonna take it. "Can you help me up?" I looked back to him, offering my other hand. He took it and took the steps back as he pulled me up.
Everyone was still dancing, still playing, and still conversing with one another. Havoc didn't let go of my hand, and gently tugged on my arm grabbing my attention again.
"Walk with me?" He nudged his head in the direction away from the celebration and waited for my response. As much as I wanted to instantly say yes, I forced myself to hesitate. What was this going to do? I had to remind myself once again, that he would be gone in the morning. He would only become nothing more than a memory that I'm sure would fade each year. Which is why I said…
"Ok." We walked away together, hand in hand, leaving the partying to everyone else. The air chilling as we furthered the distance from the bonfire. We walked in silence for a moment. A moment long enough that I was just starting to feel uncomfortable before he asked…
"So why did you join the military?" A very common question around here, but I suppose we never did have these kinds of conversations.
"Why did you join?" I flipped the question around on him. He only shrugged his shoulders.
"It's a family thing. Grandad did it, so did my father so…here I am." A very typical answer.
"How boring." I teased and got a good scoff out of him.
"Ok, now your turn Ms. Priss." He pulled me to him, so I was walking right in front of him, my back to his chest and wrapped his arms around my waist. My body temperature definitely went up several degrees which felt nice against the cool night air. We took a few more steps before stopping in place, realizing how difficult it was to walk like this. I seemed rather clear that neither of us wanted to separate.
I bit my lower lip as I tried to slow my heart rate. I think I just needed to accept that it wasn't going to slow down anytime soon. I rested the back of my head to the front of his shoulder. His chin grazed the top of my ear as he kissed the side of my head, and it sent a whole new sensation all over me.
"Hmm?" He hummed as he patiently waited for my reply. The all too slight vibration from his lips had me soaring in such an unusual way. I wanted to cry out from all the sensations that was building up in me. All I had to do was look up. That's all. Just look up and I'm sure his lips would be mine. I could release all this pent-up energy. But…
I couldn't do it. My heart was pounding so hard I was starting to feel faint. How could this man have such an effect on me?
"Umm…what was…what was the question?" He let out a soft but amused chuckle through his nose and released his hold on me. The amount of disappointment I felt was overwhelming. He went back to holding my hand, but it wasn't enough anymore. Why didn't I look up?!
"Why did you join?" We started walking again. He was looking down to the rocks now, clearly I wasn't the only one disappointed.
"Oh, right. Umm…well." I have only told Amy the real reason why I joined. I haven't even told Jessica. Amy and I were roomed together our first year, so we had a lot of heart to hearts with each other. I knew saying it out loud though was going to change my mood. Just thinking about it already has me forgetting about that moment I just had not even a minute ago with Havoc…but this might be my only time to open up with him. I mean…the chances of us seeing each other again was pretty slim. "My dad." I could tell that caught his attention.
"And here you're going at me for my 'boring' answer when you're just like the rest of us." I was able to muster out a sad smile. "Oh…I'll take it your dad…"
"I honestly really didn't know him." I interrupted before he could finish his question. "I barely have a hand full of memories with him." I tried to prepare myself for this story. "I was actually an accident. A 'happy' accident as my mother would put it. Dad was in town for a few weeks on a mission, got with my mom and she got knocked up with me. He tried doing the whole family and settled down thing but…he was still so young. They both were. I mean…they were in there mid 20's but…I was barely a year old before he decided he couldn't do it anymore. He wanted to go see the world. That's why he joined in the first place. He grew in a small town similar to the one I was raised in. He wanted out and didn't want to look back, yet he found himself stuck in another small town. He never intended to live the domestic family life. Mom didn't stop him. She let him go. He promised he would visit when he could, but it was such a rare thing. I think I saw Santa more than I saw him."
I paused a moment knowing the next part of the story and the fact that I was still under the influence. I was hoping I could hold down the normal emotions that came with this part.
"Then…one day…I knew he wasn't coming home ever again. I think the next year after I figured it out we got a knock at the door. Bastard was KIA." Weird. No tears. That's a first. "I think that snapped something in my mom. She was never the same after that day. I think what kept her going before was the idea that he could still show up at any moment. There was always hope but then that hope got taken away with no warning…" I stopped myself from going into the whole new story of my mom. That was a topic I don't think I would ever be ready to open up to anyone. "I think I was twelve? And after having to take care of my mom for so many years after…I realized that I too…wanted out. Just like him. I hated him for so long and I still kinda do but…I want to see the world like he did. I want to go explore and meet all kinds of different and new people. I want to see all the beauty and hidden treasures the world has to offer. When he would come home, he always had all these stories. I would stay up at night creating all kinds of fantasies about the stories he would tell me. I didn't want to be stuck, so…the moment I turned 18 I signed up. Broke my mother all over again, but…I just couldn't stay." I stopped myself again. That's what started the water works. Damn it.
I tried taking in a deep breath through my nose and held it until I felt the tears retract. I slowly let out the breath before wrapping up the whole story. "I didn't say good-bye. To anyone actually. Not to any of my friends or my boyfriend." I felt a jolt come from him. I guess he wasn't expecting that. "I guess he's an ex-boyfriend now." I was embarrassed by the need to clarify. "So…that's about it. That's basically my whole story." He gave my hand a long, gentle squeeze. I looked up at him and the soft expression on his face melted my heart away. I realized the mistake I just made. I just made him closer to me and he was going to be gone. Tomorrow was going to break my heart right down the middle. I just know it. "So…I guess this is where I kill you." I desperately tried changing the mood but maybe this wasn't the best direction.
"What?" His tone was filled with amused caution. I couldn't help but let out a well needed laugh.
"I'm just kidding. It's just…I haven't told anyone all this. Well, that's actually a lie. I told one of my friends, Amy but other than her…and now you. I feel very vulnerable right now." The gentle squeeze of my hand was becoming a reassurance and it was starting to worry me.
"I'll take it to my grave." The way he shifted into serious had my heart skip a beat, maybe two. He seemed so sincere. I had to force myself to look back the way we came, thinking I was going to find my three friends in search of me. So far, we were in luck, however…
"We should probably head back. I don't want Jessica or Sofia to start worrying" That gentle squeezed tightened, stopping me before I could even make my first step back. I looked at him, questioning.
"Sorry, it's just…" He bit his tongue as he also looked back at the way we came, seeming to really contemplate on what to say. "You're finally giving me the time of day." He said as he looked back to me, with a stare that had me holding my breath. "For whatever reason, after all this time, my last night and I finally get to have the time I wanted with you. I want as much time that I can get. Right down to the very last second." Is he being serious? This is really all he wanted? "If you're tired of walking we could find a spot and do some star gazing?" I couldn't help but do I quick glance up at the sky. It was partially cloudy but there were a few stars to gaze at. I arched an eyebrow to him, questioning his motive.
"Ok, but no funny business alright?" I caved so fast.
"Funny? Who do you take me for? I am a gentleman." He acted offended but that dumb smirk made me knew he was just messing around.
"I'm serious Havoc. You're not getting any further than this." I brought my hand that was still laced with his up to show him what I meant. His eyes went crossed for a moment as he looked at our hands before his smirk softened.
"This…" He gave another quick squeeze. "This is enough." I swear I'm dreaming. Havoc. Mr. Playboy. Is settling for some hand holding? I'll believe it when I see it.
We found a spot with enough dirt and minimal rocks that we could lay down on and got ourselves comfortable. The night air was getting to me again and I used my free hand to rub my other arm, trying to keep myself warm.
"Cold?" He asked with concern. I shot him a 'don't-you-even-think-about-it' glare, which had him chuckling. "I mean cuddling is basically this…" he held up our hands like I did, "but just with our whole body." He was trying so hard. I know how these things go though. Well…I know from what Jessica and Amy tell me.
Other than my time with Thomas, I have no experience in that department and it's been a couple years. He'll keep pushing the limit until next thing I know we're rolling around in the dirt doing unspeakable things. My body warmed up on its own just barely fantasizing about it. Control yourself Abby! However…I really do want to. Cuddle. And it's his last night.
"Fine. But I mean it Havoc, we're not doing anything else. Cuddling is where I draw the line and the line is set in stone now." I was praying this wasn't going to become a mistake.
"Ok, ok. I get it. Like I said, it's enough. It's actually more than I ever thought I would get." Why did that hurt? I can't keep fretting on the 'what ifs'. I'll go crazy if I keep at it. I just need to accept that this is it. This is all the two of us get and there's no going back.
I told this to myself over and over as I adjusted myself on my side and scooted closer to him. I rested my head right on his pectoral, and my leg resting on top of his that was closest to me. He wrapped his arm around me and rubbed my exposed arm a few times as if trying to keep me warm. Little did he know that my entire body was on fire at the moment. I was surprised that this was so comfy. Granted not the comfiest considering the hard ground beneath us, but it felt right.
"Any plans after you graduate?" I knew the easy answer to his question. It's what I told everyone.
"Pass the State Alchemist exam and become certified."
"You're an alchemist?" I can't believe I never told him this. I swear I've told just about everyone. Then again, it's not like we actually hung out with each other.
"Yah. That's why I'm excited for this final year. I finally get to use my alchemy again." With the academy's strict rule of no alchemy until your 3rd year…I'm worried that I might be rusty with my lightning technique.
"Wow! Do you have a specialty or are you pretty generic?"
"No, I have a specialty. I'm sure I'll shoot into the higher ranks in no time with it."
"Oh yah? What is it?"
"That my friend, is something you'll have to see for yourself."
"What? Talk about unfair! What are the chances of that happening?"
"Hmm…I'm not too sure. I guess you'll just have to hope Lady Luck is on your side and we run into each other again." Knowing what my words meant, silence fell between us. Who really knows how likely it is for us to see each other again?
The silence gave me the chance to dive deeper into my answer, hoping it would veer us off of the depressing unknown. "I know the whole world seeing might not be as easy at first. I'm sure it'll be a few years before I get to go any further than one of our districts. I'm hoping to be assigned more North. So far being here is the furthest I have ever been from home. I'm hoping to go farther. Leaving the country is my ideal goal. See what's all out there." His hand started to rub my arm again, creating a heat friction on my bicep. "What about you? Any plans or dreams?" His motion stopped.
"Not really." I didn't say anything. It seemed like he was thinking about it. "I guess…I just want to help. Whoever and whatever I can. To be there for our people. I'm not looking to get high in the ranks. I mean…I wouldn't mind it of course, but I guess as long as I'm still able to serve, I'll be happy." I had mix emotion on his answer. It's almost like he's still searching for his purpose in life. I guess we all are in some degree. "Sorry, I know it's another boring answer."
"It's not boring." I held in a chuckle. I have a feeling he's not going to let me live this down. I rested my free arm on his chest and sunk even deeper into comfort. "Sounds to me you're still figuring out what you want from your life and that's perfectly normal."
"Well, we all can't have it figured out like you." Why did that offend me?
"Hey, now. I don't have it all figured out. I'm still searching for my purpose too. All I know is that I want to get the hell out of here. You at least want to help people." I tried to keep my tone light and not harsh like my emotions are. It's not like he insulted me. If anything, it was the opposite. So why did I have such a negative reaction?
It was a good moment that neither of us said anything. Things went in a rather serious direction that I think either of us was truly ready for. We were opening up so much in one night, just to become strangers all over again.
"I think…we need something new to talk about."
"Agreed." I couldn't have said that fast enough. We were almost crossing the line of awkward in this silence.
We got fixated on our favorite memories from our time in the academy. Some of the memories crossed over with each other, and we were able to give our perspective from them. We laughed, we bickered but most importantly, we never stopped holding one another.
"Hmm…it's a bit cloudier than I thought." He said as he gazed up above us. I scoffed a laugh as I shook my head at him. Was he actually just realizing this?
"Why do you think I questioned your intentions?"
"You make a valid point. I really thought they would be more exposed farther away from the fire. Damn. Here I thought I was being all romantic." He shimmied himself into the dirt a bit, getting another chuckle out of me. Listening to his heartbeat, I became overly relaxed. It was such a nice sound. I think the alcohol was starting to make me drowsy. Plus, him grazing his fingertips up and down my arm wasn't helping. I didn't want to fall asleep yet. Just a few more moments…
"Hey, Havoc?" I need to tell him. He at least deserves to know even if nothing will ever happen between us.
"Yah?" His voice was so soft and comforting. I felt so safe despite that we were in the middle of nowhere, all by ourselves. Who's to say the axe murderer wouldn't swoop in now and kill us both…but in his arms, it was barely a worry anymore.
I knew I was mumbling something, and I knew I wasn't making any sense, but the sleepiness washed all over me and was pulling me under. The last thing I remember was him kissing the top of my head and my heart swelled for him. I was once again overcome with warmth before drifting away.
I was pulled out of my memories when Jean came rolling out of the store. It was the middle of the night, a few days after the wedding and I was leaning against the ice cream truck Mr. Havoc had bought to renovation into an artillery transporting vehicle. This thing didn't look like much, with the cute painted bear on the side, but it was secretly a beast. Ross and Catalina were finishing the last inventory checklist and we would be on the road to Central.
While Ross and Catalina patched me up, they informed and updated me with everything that had been going on. When they were done with me, Catalina and Ross went back into the shop and loaded the crate that still had Addams in it. Then Ross took the opportunity to move the truck to a safer location, knowing Bowie would be stopping by any moment to find his subordinate.
The plan, so far, was as soon as the coast was clear, Mr. Havoc would have to "deliver" the crate that held Addams into the middle of nowhere and have her figure it out from there. We weren't all that sure when it would be safe, but after a day or two, Bowie had given up and moved on. Where he went, who knows but he kept a few personnel behind.
When Jean was finally able to meet us at the truck's new location, he found me. Ross and Catalina gave us some space as we went at each other inside the soundproof truck. I let him explain everything. Bowie gave away that Vanessa was the mole. It took her a while, but she finally figured out who I was truly was. Or at least had a strong gut feeling. She called in her tip but forgot to leave it anonymously. Safe to say, Adam and Levy have cut her out completely now.
He also went into the whole uprising and how Ross had gotten in contact with him for supplies. He was also supplying citizens with needed protection throughout the country for when this all goes down. Those were the long delivery nights Adam would go out for. Levy didn't know anything. Apparently, everyone thought it best to keep us out of the loop as long as they could. Especially for me. Jean thought the less I knew the better just in case the military wanted to do, yet another, sweep through the town for me. They've been through a few times but luckily our plan to hide me has always worked but…there was always that chance that it would stop working, like the other night... Plus, according to him, he wasn't sure that if he told me everything, I would've have just run off on my own back to Central.
He explained that Mustang was on his own. Bradley had broken us all up, sending everyone to different sides of the country. He assigned everyone but me, so when Mustang had asked, Bradley realized that he did forget me and fixed it. Because of the delayed order, Mustang was able to get me on the train and out of Bradley's grasp. I was supposed to be assigned back to the Eastern headquarters under Bowie. I guess he volunteered to be reassigned temporarily when he heard I would be the one he would be supervising. Mustang knew that he stopped and explained everything, there was no way in hell he was getting me on that train. Guess he thought he was doing me a favor.
It all made sense now. Unfortunately, it didn't leave any satisfaction. I'm a State Alchemist. A State Alchemist who is able to harness and control the power of lightning. I should be able to intimidate most, if not all, when I walk in a room and yet…I'm so pathetically forgettable that Bradley didn't realize that he forgot to reassign me. That took a huge chunk of my pride and it stung.
Jean and I got in a pretty heated fight that night. Mostly, my anger came from the fact that I've been enlisted for so many years, yet I'm still only a Major. My name means nothing in Central. Not like Mustang at least. I'm still just…Major Lovington. I might as well not even have State Alchemist in my title. I was angrier at myself than anyone else, because even Mustang felt he needed to go out of his way and keep me safe. After all this time, I still haven't done anything to prove that I can take care and handle myself.
Now here we are. The night of departure. So much to say but not knowing what or how to say it. So, we just studied each other. As far as we know, once I get in the truck, this might be the last time we…
I pushed off the truck and broke the distance between us. We hadn't really made up after our fight. We technically weren't really fighting anymore but we never mended the bridge.
I leaned down, wrapping my hands around the back of his neck, closing my eyes and touched my forehead with his. I was still tender from my wounds from Addams, but I took in a deep breath, taking in as much of his scent as I could. I opened my eyes to see that he was still watching me. My mind raced, trying to pinpoint exactly what I wanted to tell him, but it just kept coming back to the simplest thing.
"I love you." He made no reply but let out a long breath. He brought his hands to the back of his neck also, covering my hands. After a moment he took my hands and brought them around so he could kiss each of my palms and then brought them to cup his face. His eyes were closed like he too, was storing the memory of me. Of my touch. My heart swelled so much for him. "I promise I-"
"Don't." He snapped. It almost made me jump. "Don't you dare promise anything." His eyes were fierce as they opened to mine. "All you need to do is what you need to, to see tomorrow. I don't care what you do, just come home to me." His voice broke and it took so much for me not to break with it. "Don't promise me anything. Just come home. I don't care how as long as you're warm and with a pulse." He tried to break a small smile to either comfort himself, me, or both of us.
Home? Yes. He doesn't mean home as in here…but him. Because he is my home. We could be all across the world and as long as he was around for me…that would be home.
I was fighting to hold back the tears that were trying to spill over. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to say good-bye. This was only 'see you when I see you'. There's no reason for the tears but…this is my first real battle. I've gotten into enough tussles over the years and gone up against some terrible people…but I knew this was going to be like nothing I've ever been through.
"I love you." I repeated with meaning. I wouldn't promise anything. I'm only going to give him the truth and what I can guarantee right now.
"Lovington, you have ten seconds and then we're leaving. Wrap it up." Catalina hollered from the truck. I didn't dare waste my time by replying. I rushed in for what may be my last kiss and he pulled me in as close as he could as we both savored each other's lips. Taking in every sense that we could. I tried to ignore the sound of the truck starting up and the drop my heart did when I knew that this was it. "Lovington let's go!" Catalina seemed like her patience had run out. I'll admit. The woman intimidated me.
I didn't want to, but I pulled away. I didn't give myself the chance to have one last look. If I did, I didn't know if I would be able to get in the truck and close the door.
"Give them hell." He yelled as I kept my back to him as I closed the passenger door. I stared straight ahead as Ross put the truck in gear and drove away.
I finally let them fall. I tried to quickly wipe the tears off my cheeks as I didn't want Ross to see. I knew she wouldn't say anything, and I'm sure she even understands but…I just don't want to be vulnerable. I tried to take a few deep breathes to calm myself and it seemed to work.
I watched the sign that welcomed everyone to the town pass, and I knew it would be long road trip to Central. The anticipation was setting in when I realized that I would be seeing Mustang again. Good. I had a few things I needed to get off my chest. ~