Toph felt his footsteps on the hardwood floor before he spoke. She opened her eyes and blinked sleepily. His heartbeat thumped hard in his chest. She pushed herself up onto her elbows.
"What's wrong, Iroh? Is Aang okay?" But her seismic sense told her that the Avatar was still sleeping soundly on the floor. Aang's breathing was deep and relaxed, and his heart beat slowly in his chest.
"Aang is fine, Toph. But it's time for you to prepare for your journey into the Spirit World."
Toph nodded solemnly. She got out of bed and tiptoed carefully around Aang. He had been sleeping for a day. Whatever he went through really took it out of him, she thought as she followed Iroh out into the sitting room. They folded themselves onto cushions in front of the Pai Sho game. She could smell something sweet and pungent.
"What kind of tea is that?" Toph asked, wrinkling her nose against the pervasive smell.
"It is not tea, thankfully—that would be sacrilege." She felt her friend shudder dramatically and cracked a small smile. "It is onion and banana juice. It is supposed to help open the chakras and bring you closer to spiritual enlightenment."
Toph pulled a sour face. "You mean I have to drink that? But it smells like dung."
"Yes, you do."
Iroh held a cup out to her and she took it. Toph sniffed it experimentally. "Urgh! That is gross."
Iroh chuckled. "Aang had to drink it too, if that makes you feel any better."
"A little bit." She took a small sip and nearly gagged on the thick, acidic juice. Tears burned in her eyes. She coughed as she shook her free hand as though it burned, shaking her head against the flavor. "It tastes even worse than it smells."
"You get used to it after a while," Iroh said. "It almost becomes...pleasant."
"Pleasant! Are you crazy?" Toph turned her sightless eyes on him. "And you mean you've drank this nasty stuff too?"
She felt rather than saw him nod. "Yes, I did. I opened my chakras in preparation to go into the Spirit World." His tone became serious. "I have told you I went into the Spirit World, and why. I've even told you a bit of what happened there. The Spirit World is not meant for living humans, but if you know the way, you can go there."
"And I have to go with Aang to tether him here."
"Yes. His spirituality, as both an airbender and the Avatar, makes him susceptible to get lost there, which is why it's vital for you to accompany him. The two of you will venture far, further than he has ever gone. So there is a chance his spirit might not make it back to his body," Iroh explained. "But in order for you to go, you must have open chakras and enlightenment. So, you will drink onion and banana juice and play Pai Sho until you are ready to open your chakras."
She grimaced. "I can handle playing Pai Sho, but I don't know if I can drink this juice, Iroh."
"You must, Toph. Aang and the world are depending on it."
That was all the encouragement she needed. Toph pinched her nose against the foul odor and drank.
"Energy flows through your body and pools in certain spots. Those are your chakras. There are seven chakras that create balance within us. If one is unbalanced, we cannot consider ourselves truly at peace," Iroh said.
They had played Pai Sho and Toph had drank the onion and banana juice until she felt like she might throw up. The acidic drink had worn away her taste buds and she found Iroh was right: now she could barely taste it.
Once he had been satisfied at her meditation, he brought her out to the garden. Toph could feel the warm sun on top of her head and could hear the birdsong in the trees. All around her vibrations buzzed through her feet. Yet it was different somehow. Toph suspected her sense of sight had been heightened.
And she felt different too. Lighter. Her emotions were dim, far away. I wonder if this is how Aang felt, she thought as she sat before the pond.
"Our chakras are sensitive things, and can easily be blocked. Each chakra can be affected by a different emotion. As you saw with Aang, it can be hard and painful to open a chakra. Are you prepared to do that?"
Toph's fists clenched. "Yes. I'm ready." She would do whatever it took to help Aang save the world.
"I want you to close your eyes and clear your mind," Iroh instructed. Toph listened to him, and soon she felt herself relax. When he felt she was ready, he went on. "As you continue to meditate, focus on the sound of my voice as I walk you through the first part of your journey.
"First we will open the Earth Chakra, located at the base of your spine. It deals with survival and is blocked by fear." Iroh paused. "What are you most afraid of, Toph? What is your greatest fear?"
Toph focused on Iroh's words as she continued to meditate. In her mind she saw Sokka gripping her hand as she hung suspended in mid-air, unable to see, unable to fight. Her heart pounded in her chest and sweat poured down her back. It felt like she was back in that moment, and Toph was truly afraid.
"I'm scared of not being able to see," she said in a small voice.
"We may not always be able to see the things around us," Iroh began. "But that does not mean we are alone. Even in our darkest hour, we must remember that we have friends and family and loved ones all around us, who care for us and are always there for us. Whether we can physically see them or not, they are there. Their very existence encourages us, guides us, and gives us a reason and the strength to go on." Iroh paused. "Even now, in the darkness that surrounds you, you cannot see me. But I am here, Toph. I am with you. You are never alone."
His words burrowed into her brain. She thought about what they really meant. She thought about her friends. She knew how much they cared for her, and how much they had done for her. They would never abandon her no matter what, just like she would never abandon them.
Suddenly, along the base of her spine she felt an intense pressure. Toph cried out. But as suddenly as it came, the pressure disappeared.
"You have opened your Earth Chakra, Toph," Iroh said.
Toph shuddered. "It felt so...real."
"That is how we address our emotions. They are real too. The sensations are just manifestations of your emotions, Toph." His voice was kind and soothed her. "Are you ready to open the Water Chakra?"
Her mouth was dry and she took another drink of the onion and banana juice. She nodded, not quite trusting herself to speak.
"The Water Chakra deals with pleasure and is blocked by guilt. You must ask yourself, what do you blame yourself for?"
Suddenly she was in the desert again, her seismic sense clouded by the ever-shifting sand. She was struggling to keep the library above ground, terrified of losing her friends as the desert threatened to swallow it up. Behind her, strange men were stealing Appa. She could hear the bison's distressed growls, but she couldn't let go of the library.
"I let the sandbenders take Appa." Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I've never seen Aang so upset. But I had to let him go...the library was sinking. I couldn't stop...Aang, Katara, and Sokka would have died down there."
"You must accept that this happened, Toph. You must forgive yourself in order to be a positive influence for Aang and for the world. You cannot let this poison your energy."
She took a deep breath. The guilt and self-loathing she had experienced after Aang found out his spirit guide had been stolen washed over her in full-force, threatening to drown her. I must accept the things I cannot change. I must accept the things I cannot change. She repeated the words like a prayer until they drowned out her regret.
I did all I could. I tried my hardest. In her mind's eye she was in the desert again. Through her muddled vision, she could see the sandbenders taking Appa away again. Only this time, Toph stood her ground and watched instead of trying to help. She understood now that there was nothing more that she could do. She understood...that she had made the right choice in saving her friends.
The guilt pulled away like the tide. She was shaking as traitorous tears streamed down her face. "I've forgiven myself."
"Very good, Toph. You are making tremendous progress." Iroh's voice was kind and proud. "Let's open the next chakra. The third chakra is fire, and it is found in the stomach. This chakra is willpower, and is blocked by shame. What are you ashamed of?"
"I'm not ashamed of anything."
Iroh's response sounded like a parent gently reprimanding a child. He might not have had her seismic sense, but Iroh could read people better than anyone she knew. "We are all ashamed of something, Toph. You must be honest with yourself. Focus on your memories and your past. Think."
Toph screwed her eyes shut and threw herself into her meditation. She saw Sokka and Suki. She saw him place the betrothal necklace around her throat. She wanted to be happy for them. But she was more sad than anything. And she realized that she was ashamed for feeling bitter about their happiness.
"I...really like Sokka." Her voice was little more than a whisper. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. "When I found out he was going to propose to Suki, it broke my heart. But it's stupid because I never had a chance with him anyway."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because we were just kids. And there's no way he liked me like that." Toph snorted derisively. "Because Suki is...Suki is beautiful, powerful, and strong. And she can actually see."
Iroh sighed in understanding. "Ah. So your true shame does not lie in your unrequited love, but in your doubts about your own strengths. You believe your blindness is a weakness. That it makes you less than those around you."
Fresh tears fell down her cheeks and Toph let out a sob. Her stomach burned like it was on fire and she clutched at it with her hands, wanting to douse the flames. "I try to act like I'm tough, like I don't care what other people think of me. I know I'm strong, okay? But sometimes...people doubt me because I'm blind. It's like I've always got something to prove. And sometimes...sometimes I wonder if people think I'm a burden." She scrubbed the tears away and gritted her teeth. "I'm not!"
"You are correct, Toph. You are not a burden. Far from it, in fact. You are one of the most capable people I know. And if you know that, then you are already close to opening your chakra. Let go of your shame. Embrace yourself fully."
Toph took a heaving breath. She held her burning stomach in her hands. "I am strong and I am not a burden. I am me. I am Toph. I'm the Blind Bandit. I'm the Runaway. I am me. And I am not a burden." The fire faded away. She opened her eyes. "I am me."
She felt rather than saw Iroh's nod of approval. "Indeed you are. That was hard, Toph. How do you feel now?"
"I feel okay." Toph hung her head. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. "I think you were right, about my grief and shame. I want to be happy for Sokka and Suki but...it's just so hard. I feel like I won't ever be that happy with someone." Her heart felt leaden. It sank towards her stomach. She released a heavy sigh. "And now that he's going to marry her, I feel lost. Like I'm grieving something I never truly had."
"And your parents, too."
She whipped her head around to pierce him with her sightless eyes. "My parents?"
"Yes. You grieve for them because they couldn't accept you for who you were. You grieve them because they weren't who you needed them to be. And yet you still love them, for they are your parents."
It felt like her heart was going to pull her down into the earth. She wrapped her arms around her knees and buried her face in her arms. Why couldn't her parents see that she wasn't something weak, something fragile, like a porcelain doll? The grief came over her and Toph sobbed. She sobbed until the weight in her heart lifted.
Iroh's voice was kind. "Well done, Miss Toph. You have opened your fourth chakra."
She rested her head wearily on her arms. She didn't know how much more of this she could take. "Can I have some more onion and banana juice, please?"
Iroh allowed her a small break. After she had drunk more onion and banana juice and burped loud enough to scare the majority of wildlife away, Iroh began again. "We are halfway there. Are you ready to open your fifth chakra?"
Toph felt exhausted to her bones. Now I can see why Twinkle Toes slept for a week. I might join him. She released a sigh. "Yes."
"The fifth chakra is the Sound Chakra, located in the throat. It deals with truth and is blocked by the lies we tell ourselves. We must confront these lies, and accept the truth."
Her mind flashed to the memory of herself outside of her metalbending academy, flinging boulders into the night. "I don't need anyone now either!" Her throat constricted painfully. Toph struggled to breathe. Lies she told herself ran through her mind: I'm not scared of anything. I'm fine on my own. I'm not lonely. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and her lungs felt like they were going to burst.
"I do need people," Toph croaked. "And I am scared. I'm scared of losing my friends, of dying, of not being able to see, of being alone. I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm this really strong person who doesn't need anyone. I have feelings too." Her throat opened and Toph gulped the air into her lungs as she collapsed forward on her hands.
"Very good, Toph," Iroh said. "That was a hard truth to learn and to admit, but I'm proud of you for discovering it. And it feels better now, doesn't?"
She nodded numbly. Iroh gave her a moment to recover before he moved on.
"Now, let's open the sixth chakra. This is the Light Chakra and is in the center of the forehead. It is insight, and is blocked by illusion. The greatest illusion is the illusion of separation. Everything is connected, and more alike than they are different. Even the Avatar and the Conduit."
Toph blanched in shock. "What do you mean?"
"They are both extremely powerful and spiritual beings. They are Yin and Yang, two halves of one whole. Light and dark. Good and evil. Balance and unbalance."
In her mind's eye she saw Aang and a dark, faceless figure locked in an eternal power struggle, neither gaining the upper hand, neither losing. "If Aang can't defeat the Conduit, then what are we doing?" Iroh hesitated. She sensed his apprehension and fear sparked in her stomach. "Iroh?"
"One cannot exist without the other." Iroh's voice was grave. "But the world can exist without both."
Toph reeled back. "You mean they have to destroy each other? But the world needs the Avatar!"
"Aang has done his duty to the world. He restored the balance. Now he must face his greatest challenge: sacrificing himself to keep the balance forever."
"But won't the Avatar spirit just be reborn into someone else?"
Iroh's voice was solemn and grave. "Not this time. If the Avatar and the Conduit sever their connections to their spirits, the cycles will be broken forever. There will no longer be an Avatar or a Conduit."
"How can you ask him to do that?" Toph shrilled. Tears choked her. "There has to be another way. Aang can't do that!"
"Toph, it is his sacred duty to the world. This is the epitome of what every Avatar and every Conduit has led to. This is the ultimate battle, the one that decides the fate of the world." Iroh paused. "If there was some other way, I would gladly take it. But the Oracle of Destiny proclaimed it to be, and so it will."
She staggered to her feet and pointed an accusatory finger at Iroh. "If I had known that this is what you've been preparing me for all these years, I never would have agreed to it! If Aang knew the truth—"
"Aang would accept his destiny and do what needs to be done." Iroh's voice was clear and strong. "And you must accept it, Toph. Let go of the illusion of how you want things to be, and accept what is."
Toph's body shook. Pain stabbed her brain. She cradled her head in her hands and screamed against the torrent of razor-sharp agony. Her legs gave out and she collapsed to the ground. He can't die! Aang can't die! I won't let him.
The pain intensified until her head was filled with a sharp white light. Her heart pounded against her ribs as gooseflesh broke out across her skin. Her stomach rolled and Toph gagged against the taste of onion and banana juice. Her fingers raked across her skin and she clamped her tongue between her teeth until she tasted warm, coppery blood in her mouth. Anything to distract her from the consuming pain in her head. But there was no reprieve and no escape.
"Let it go, Toph!" Iroh shouted. "Accept what you cannot change. Let it go!"
Toph threw her head back and screamed. Every fiber of her being writhed in pain. Consciousness left her and she slumped forward onto the grass.
She found herself in front of a pond. She could feel the koi fish swimming through the water. Yin and Yang. Push and pull. Balance. The flying boar was at her side.
"You must accept it, Toph," the flying boar said.
"I know." Tears fell into the pond. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it."
"It is for the greater good. The balance must be maintained," said the flying boar. "You each have your part to play. Will you play yours?"
She felt a deep sadness seep into her bones. "Does it have to be this way?"
"It does."
"This way sucks."
The flying boar did not reply.
Toph stirred. She felt the grass beneath her feet and could feel Iroh's heartbeat close by. She sat upright and her head swam. She held it in her hands until the feeling passed. She groaned as her stomach rolled.
"That chakra was a lot harder to open than I thought it was going to be," Iroh mused. "But you opened it."
"Yeah." Her voice was a harsh whisper. Her throat was raw from screaming. "I'm not happy about it but...I've accepted it."
"I knew you would. It is not easy. I wish it wasn't this way, but changing a prophecy given by an Oracle of Destiny is impossible."
She glared. "I'd like to give that Oracle of Destiny a piece of my mind." She found her cup of onion and banana juice and gulped it down.
"Are you ready to open the final chakra?"
Toph nodded. "Let's get this over with."
"You already know what this chakra is. You must let go of your earthly attachments, as Aang did." Iroh paused. "As I did."
"I think I can manage that."
She closed her eyes. In her mind she saw her friends. They were the most important thing in the world to her. They were rooted in everything she did, every choice she made. I have to let Aang go to save them. She focused hard on his form that she always saw with her seismic sense. Tears were streaming down her cheeks again. One by one her friends faded to black: Suki, Katara, Zuko, Aang, Sokka.
When they were all gone, she was left alone in the dark.
Iroh handed her a cup of tea. Night had fallen. Toph was sapped of energy, struggling to keep her eyes open. Aang slept peacefully in the room next door. Toph wished she could join him but she was afraid to sleep. She knew her dreams would be horrific when she finally closed her eyes. So instead she drank deeply from her cup, grateful it wasn't onion and banana juice.
"You did well, Toph." Iroh's voice was genuine and kind. He sipped his own tea. "Opening chakras is an unpleasant experience. But you did what needed to be done."
"So what? Now I'm ready to go to the Spirit World with my friend so he can get himself killed?" Bitter rage colored her words.
Iroh sighed heavily. "With time, you will understand why, Toph. For now, it's good enough that you accepted it for what it is. I know it is not an easy burden to bear."
"When are you going to tell him?" Toph asked. She jerked her chin toward the guest bedroom. "He has a right to know what he's getting into, doesn't he?"
"I'm sure the Sieshin Lord will tell him," Iroh said quietly. "Once you both are fully rested, it will be time to go."
Toph's hand tightened around her cup. "And then he faces the Conduit. Then it's the end for him."
Iroh nodded slowly. She could feel his weariness too. She realized then that she hadn't considered how hard this must have been for him.
"Why did you go into the Spirit World, Iroh?" Toph asked softly. "Why did you go through all of the trouble?"
Iroh sighed and set his teacup down. "I went because I wanted to bring my son back. It was a fool's errand, but grief makes us do funny things."
"But I thought you had to unlock your chakras to go?"
"I did, but that wasn't what was needed of me from the place I went to access the Spirit World."
Toph frowned, confused. "What do you mean? Where did you go?"
He sighed, a heavy, forlorn sound. "There are some places on this earth that are closer to the Spirit World than others. The veil between them is thin. One of these places is the Spirit Oasis in the North Pole. Another is The Garden of the Desert." Iroh paused. "After I lost my son at the Siege of Ba Sing Se, I called my men off and sent them home. The fight went out of me. Grief overtook me, and I was lost, cast adrift. I went on a pilgrimage into the desert. I had heard of the legendary Garden of the Desert in the past, and I decided I needed to go there.
"It was a long and treacherous journey, but I made it. It is nearly impossible to get there. It is located on the far eastern side of the desert in a canyon. From a distance it looks like a cluster of dead desert brush and trees, but once you get through, you find yourself in a beautiful glade. The grass is lush and green, and there is a willow tree at its center. There is a pond before it. It is known as the Pond of Enlightenment."
Her mind flashed to her dream, of the round pond with the koi fish.
"It is said if you drink from the pond, you become enlightened about what you most desire to know," Iroh said solemnly. "I needed to know my son was okay."
Toph fingered the edge of her cup. "Was he?"
"I don't know." She felt him shrug. "I never found my son. Instead, I found inner peace, wisdom, and enlightenment. Those were the things my heart truly desired." He wiped away his tears. "I came back from my journey a changed man. The glory of war and power was no longer something I desired. Instead I took it upon myself to help Zuko find a better way. The right path for the Fire Nation, one of peace and strength instead of bloodshed and control. If I could have, I would have helped Azula as well. Perhaps, if I had been able to, I could have saved her too." He released a heavy sigh. "But she was too far gone."
Toph hesitated. "You said there was a price to pay. What was it?"
Iroh's voice was thin and strained. She heard his heart stutter in his chest. "The price you pay is the blood of someone you love."
Toph's eyes widened. "What...what happened?"
Iroh was quiet for so long Toph thought he wasn't going to answer her question. She had opened her mouth to ask him again when he finally spoke.
"Zuko." His voice was choked with pain. "Zuko paid the price for my enlightenment."
She gasped quietly.
"I have always been close to my nephew. After Lu Ten died, he became like my own son." His voice was thick with unshed tears. "Ozai never...Ozai never cared about him. If my brother had had it his way, Zuko would have died the day he was born. He said Zuko did not have the spark in his eye that promised him to be a powerful bender. When Ursa went away, Ozai pushed him aside. He never saw Zuko's potential. So I took Zuko under my wing. After I returned from Ba Sing Se, I became a mentor and father figure to him. It is because of me that Zuko was banished, and that he was disfigured."
The air around them was heavy and somber. Toph remained quiet, but her heart was pounding in her chest. All of this was new to her, and as much as she wanted to know what had transpired, she would be patient. She wouldn't pry. She wouldn't push. She would let Iroh tell the story in his own time.
"I let him into a war meeting. What was I thinking, letting a thirteen year old boy into a grown man's meeting of bloodshed and warfare?" His voice sounded oddly choked off. "But I was a changed man. I only wanted to help. Had I still been my old self, I would have most likely told him that a war council was no place for a young boy, even one who was set to rule the Fire Nation one day…" He trailed off for a moment before he continued. "But I was no longer that man, and I didn't see the harm…"
Tears burned in her eyes. She had never heard him sound this way. She could feel her mentor's grief in the shudders of his silent sobs, in the erratic way his heart was beating and the uneven hitch of his breath. This was a deep wound that time alone hadn't healed.
Iroh took a steadying breath. "Has Zuko ever shared the story of his banishment with you, Toph? Has he told you how he was scarred?"
She shook her head. "No. It was a...sensitive subject."
She felt Iroh nod. "Yes, it is. Zuko's own father challenged him to an Agni Kai because he spoke out of turn at the meeting I let him into. Zuko refused to fight. Ozai said he had shown shameful weakness. That he had disrespected his father, and he had to be taught a lesson." Iroh took a deep breath. "Zuko did not raise a hand to defend himself when Ozai burned him. I looked away, but Zuko's screams...there are some things you can never forget." She could feel his eyes on her. "That is an example of the price you pay for asking for things you were never meant to have."
Toph shivered. A dark thought crossed her mind: if Zuko and Katara are going to drink from the Pond of Enlightenment, who will pay the price?
Sorry, I know. There's no Zutara in this chapter. But I still hope you guys enjoyed it. It's deep, emotional, and raw, and I think it adds a lot of depth to Toph's character as well as Iroh's, and it definitely moves the plot along. Don't worry, more Zutara is coming :)
And as always, a special thank-you to my beta, FireLadyFae/LadyFaePhillips for her contributions. She made this chapter even more deep and emotional and it's just...perfect.