The dark silence of night. It can be enveloping, warm, accepting. It can also be deep, ill-natured, and all-encompassing in its distaste for your emotions.
The latter was its decision this evening. How wondrous for me.
I listened to the hum of technology, the sound of a tiring cricket chirping far below my window. I'd opened the window in hopes the scent of the spring wind would kiss my mood away, but all it did was allow the newly-woken moths to my light. I ought to have closed it, or turned the light off, neither had their use. But I had no will to move. I'd barely managed to grab the phone on my way upstairs, when it hit.
It hugs me like a widow does her dead child; desperately, chokingly, with no consideration as to how I feel, for I am very much alive. The darkness had no motive, but stuck around in my mind, and played my thoughts on fast-forward. I tried to numb to it. It'd been 45 minutes or so now...or perhaps 20? It's been too long, that much is true.
For the next five minutes, or what felt like five, I edged my hand towards the phone, which lay on my nightstand. I carefully took it in my palm, my fingers grasping at it weakly, and pulled it to my chest, simply holding it. I closed my eyes again, and squeezed my left wrist. No pain. No relief.
In total, I had three people I could have called. In reality, only one was even plausible.
Mother would be asleep. She always went to sleep early, before temptation rose in her. Something about the evening called to her, and I was not going to induce her to do something neither of us desired. And so, she wasn't possible.
Marie would be out with Lee and May at this hour, doing God knows what. A girls' night out...I truly have no desire to know.
Then there was...the unknown. Kevin. Little Red, with few friends and fewer plans, the likelihood that he would be home and available were quite high, statistically speaking. I wasn't sure why he was even on my list, but I remembered his number. One of the now-three I mentally kept. Perhaps...I could...
It took another five minutes before I'd gotten the phone in front of me, and another minute to gather the will to type out his number.
The ringing just didn't last long enough to steel my nerves.
"Hello?" Ah, his mother again.
"Greetings, this is Eddward; is Kevin available by chance?" Hopefully she didn't hear the deadness in my voice, because it was all I could do to be polite. I could not play the game tonight.
"Oh, you're the boy from the other night? Yes, he's here," I heard shuffling, but nothing more than a distant whisper this time. I imagined he was in the same room as her.
"...Hello?"
"Hello, Kevin..." I struggled out the words. I was lucky I could speak at all, to be honest.
"Oh, hey, um," more hushed words, the sound of a hand covering the transmitter, and walking. Several seconds later, he started up again, "uh, what's up?"
"Absolutely nothing." Perhaps the moths on the ceiling counted, though I didn't care much for them.
"Oh...so, uh...why'd you...call me then?" I could hear the confusion. I could feel it in myself; I wasn't sure why I'd called, either.
"...I..." What could I say? I left it at that. Maybe he'd believe I'd broken; that was true enough as it was.
"...is everything okay?" Concern. At least it wasn't pity.
"It...will be..." Though honestly, nothing was wrong. Not a thing. Father was content, my grades were well, all was right as rain, except for the heavy feeling pulling me down against the bed.
The silence, oh, how I hated every second of it. No matter how hard I listened, I only heard the static of the phone.
"I...ugh..." A pause, a sigh, a deep breath, "did you, like...need someone over there, or something?"
I did not respond.
"...Eddward?"
"Yes?" A weakly-voiced response.
"I'm...I'm coming over okay?"
Yet again, I kept silent.
"Can you...unlock the door for me?"
No. But... "There's a key under the red stone by the back door..."
Well...I managed to force that much out at least. I think that took the rest of my will out of me.
"Al-alright...I'll...be over soon then, I guess...alright?"
I breathed out approvingly, and I hoped he at least heard it.
"...bye."
"Adieu..."
-click-
Alright. So...fuck. He was asking me over.
No, wait, I asked myself over.
Holy fuck I'm an idiot!
I groaned, grabbing my jacket before I headed down the stairs, setting the phone back where it belonged. I walked out to the living room, my mom looking at me. Dad was just focused on the tv.
"Hey, uh, Eddward wants to hang for a lil bit, is that alright?"
Dad's attention turned my way, and my mom looked to be turning the idea over in her head. "I...guess it's alright. I mean, it's not a school night. Still, I'd like if you could come home before 10, alright?"
I nodded obediently, "Of course. Thanks. I'll seeya later."
"Bye honey," she smiled my way, before turning back to the tv. I ran my hand over my face as I walked to the door, went out, and...headed across the street to his house.
It was kind-of a creepy night. No moon, no stars, the clouds were blocking everything. I could see the glow of the nearby town in the distance, but when I turned my head back to Eddward's house, all I saw was one single light. One open window. I kinda wished I'd brought a flashlight, as I went around the back of his house. What did he say, the red rock? Uh, it's kinda hard to tell in the dark, but...
I managed to find it, somehow. I fumbled with fitting the key in the lock, but I eventually figured it out. When I opened the door, it was...downright scary in there. Like a haunted house, but cleaner. There was the tiniest glow in the kitchen where I entered, so I followed it out to the living room, passing the room where his dad's exercise machine was. I ended up at the stairs, and could see the light shining down. I started to walk up; every creak of the steps eerie in the quiet of the house. I hoped he was actually okay with me coming over. But either way, I was scared out of my fucking wits and just wanted to dart back home. How can a house be this creepy?
For a moment, I thought about the fact that...only Eddward was home. There was, like, no other sound in the house. No way anyone else was home. Where was his family, anyhow?
I reached the apex of the stairs, and his room lay before me. I could already see his legs before I walked in. I took a few wary steps, slipping past the door frame...then I stopped. My eyes widened.
Eddward was laying there on his bed, fingers laced together over his chest. He looked like he normally did, just...a little less...scary? But that's not what stopped me. The thing that made me freeze was his wrists. They were uncovered. The left one had all these...these marks on it. Even, red lines. One was a lot more obvious than the rest, but still healed. The right only had two lines, long and carefully-made, and faded.
My jaw dropped when it all suddenly clicked in my head. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying anything. Even if I wanted to figure out what the fuck happened, why he was...no no no focus Kevin, you're over here for a reason.
"Hi Eddward," I muttered, eyes still locked on his wrists. When his eyes slit open, I looked up at them. His fingers fidgeted as he looked down for a moment, then back in my direction.
"Greetings." No name-calling, no teasing...wow, I've seriously never heard him sound this bad. I mean, this could still just be a trick, but...I can't just...UGH. Fuck it.
I made myself talk, "A-are you alright? I-I-I mean, you look fine, I just, do you feel fine? Cuz you don't...I dunno..." My sentence was a catastrophe.
He didn't respond verbally. But, watching him closely, I noticed him shake his head subtly. He closed his eyes again. His chest barely moved; he must have been taking really shallow breaths.
I sighed, cringing for a moment as I steeled my nerves. I took a step...then another...and walked towards his bed. God, what was I doing? Don't do it don't do it don't...and...I'm next to his bed now. He could grab me and smash my head in at this distance if he wanted. It could all be a trap. I just I dunno ugh whyyy am I here? I'd been trying to get over all my damned fears, but it's...there's so much to be afraid of, and Eddward was scary. Just...not now. No, he...he wasn't scary right now.
He didn't say anything, but he looked at me again. His eyes flicked down to his bed, a wide area beside him empty. I was thinking about sitting for a moment, before he nodded his head in that direction. I gave in to the gesture, and sat down beside him. I looked at him again, confused, and noticed his eyes were locked on my face. It was confusing enough the last time...but this time, he didn't even try and hide it! I felt myself blush from the attention, and tilted my hat down.
"So, uh...I...brought a book with me..." Smooth, Kev. Real smooth.
His eyes froze in place, and he blinked. Twice, in rapid succession. He winced, and cleared his throat, turning his head to his left, towards the wall.
"I...would have never guessed...that a dweeb like you would have a...novel hidden away somewhere..." It sounded like he was struggling to speak for some reason, but the strangest thing was his cheeks. He was...blushing?
What? No, focus Kevin, worry about that later!
"Y-y-yeah! I always keep it with me in my pocket just in case," the benefits of cargo shorts, "d...d-id you want me to read it to you?" And if my face wasn't red before, it definitely was now. I was offering to read the scariest guy I knew a freakin' bedtime story. Just because he looked like he wanted to die. And...probably did.
...alright, it's not actually that crazy, now that I think of it. I don't think I'd leave anyone like this...even Eddward.
"G-go on then, Little Red. Parleras...speak to me. A novel...would be an adequate escape."
He sounded so miserable.
Was he always like this?
I could have slept to the sound of his voice.
As I stared at the ceiling, watching the moths bounce pathetically as they danced towards the light, I let his voice carry me elsewhere. My bedroom was no longer; instead, a forest surrounded me. The trees were alive, and every creature was as brilliant as the wisest of men. His voice rose and fell at all the perfect moments, and I knew he had read this story more than once. I lost myself in it. Occasionally, I caught myself staring at him, and averted my gaze. He didn't seem to mind. He was smiling so widely. If only it had been for me...
Just that thought set my mind back down its path. So fragile, the perch my mood sat upon. Once it fell, it took some time for it to return to a relative norm. But his voice...his voice seemed to know the way off the dreaded path. His smile reminded me that I was not alone this night. Not for now, at least.
An hour and a half of reading, and he was still going strong. I could see his eyes flicker to the clock, though, and knew he had a time limit for his visit. I sighed. It was...relieving, to be able to sigh, without having to force it. I had regained some control of myself. The distraction had taken me from the dark path, and I hoped to hold tight to the light until I could fall asleep.
It had to come to an end eventually, I knew. I tried not to think about it, but it could not be avoided. And, as such...it happened.
"Alright...it's getting pretty late. I, uh...I promised my mom I'd be home before ten, so I kinda gotta get going soon," he looked...disappointed? No, he was likely just caught up in the story.
"I understand, mon petit..." I wanted to say more, but my voice stuck. I looked up at him, both wishing he could read what my eyes spoke, and dreading it.
"I'll...I'll see you on Monday I guess, then. Umm...I...hope you feel better."
"Oui, Rouge...I do," because of your presence.
"G-great! That's uh, great. I should...get going. Umm...I...bye...then...?"
He looked at me one more time, and I could see the concern in his eyes again. I'd been tracing the curves of his face while he read, and my eyes fell upon his lips again. I looked down, and cringed, as I felt him start to push himself up. I decided to beat him to it, and sat up, stopping him in his tracks as I pierced him with a glare.
We just looked at each other. I pulled my knees up, my arms wrapping around them, and stared into his eyes. He was frightened, likely by how fast I'd moved, and I felt a little guilty for it. Yes, I wanted him, and everyone else, under my thumb. But he'd pulled me free from the darkness and I...I scared him in turn. I did not want to be like Father. I had to...do something...
I turned, letting my legs drop off the bed, and stood. He still sat there, likely afraid of what I was going to do. I sighed, and wracked my mind for something I could do. There were possibilities, yes, but so many, various and theoretically fear-inducing. No, I had to be careful. I wanted to show him I was thankful, but...but...more than that, as my mind had been apt to remind me during the story. It'd become an incessant buzzing in my mind, and I needed to quiet it. Perhaps, if I was lucky, he'd pretend it never happened. Because hoping for more would be a waste of time.
First, though, I needed to do something. Before he left.
I sighed. My heart beat faster, and I acted.
I reached forward, delicately taking his hand in mine. He was tense, but didn't stop me despite the fear in his eyes. I felt electricity singe my fingertips, but I held on tight to reality, to the purpose of what I was doing. Gently, ever-so-gently, I lifted his fingers to my lips, bowing my head to give the lightest of kisses to his knuckles. I lowed his hand, and it softly slid out. I'm not certain who was more red-faced after that, so I closed my eyes and spoke.
"Thank you for the evening, Kevin," I felt the blush overtake me again as I looked into his eyes. He blinked a few times, before standing up. I stepped back.
"Y-you're w-w-welcome. ...G-g-good night," he cringed, and walked to the door, head down, likely hiding his blush. I looked away. Before he was out of view, I saw him look back at me. I didn't return the glance. Perhaps it was better that way.
I heard him let himself out, and I turned off the light. The window...I left it open, as I lay down. I heard the distant sound of his door closing, as my mind over-analysed everything that had just happened. My memories sang with his voice, my lips still felt the phantom skin of his hand. My heart fluttered, and reminded me of what I'd spent the last week thinking over. The thing Marie was convinced of, and me...I...I didn't have a say.
I raised a hand to my cheek, running the tops of my fingers over it.
Of all the emotions I could hide, attraction surely was not one of them.