Chapter Four
Don't Be Afraid

Trowa and Serena sat at the breakfast bar, eating their dinner. His plate had half-eaten food, while Serena had barely touched her food. She had been pushing the food around for the better part of the last fifteen minutes. Not once had Serena taken a single bite. Her mind was someplace else, and her appetite seemed to be nonexistent.

Ever since Heero had stopped by, Serena had closed herself off. She had left him standing in the kitchen while she went to shower, and when Trowa joined her, she quickly got out. Drying and dressing before disappearing.

When he emerged from the bedroom, Trowa found her sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. He figured since she hadn't left yet, it was a good sign Serena was planning on at least staying for dinner. After a few moments of watching her, Trowa's stomach reminded him that he hadn't eaten anything since that morning. Sighing to himself, Trowa made his way into the kitchen to order some Thai food for them.

While waiting for the food, Trowa made a list of groceries they needed to pick up, which turned out to be more than he thought. Trowa hadn't realized till then how bare his cabinets and fridge were. There was barely anything substantial for them to eat. Only a few eggs and some bread. Plenty of soup and a few frozen dinners.

Trowa continued to add to the list, thinking of all the meals Serena had made for them when she had stayed with him. He missed her cooking. While Trowa wasn't terrible, Serena was skilled enough to turn a simple meal into something that could make his taste buds come alive.

Smiling to himself, Trowa thought about possibly taking some lessons and learning to cook a decent meal for them. Relying on Serena to prepare all the meals wasn't fair in his eyes. If they were going to continue having a relationship, he needed to put in the same effort.

They were both independent individuals and could live alone without a partner. But they didn't have to live like that anymore. Trowa had never had a live-in girlfriend before or a relationship he could claim to have been long-term. While everything was new and exciting, Trowa knew he couldn't get too excited. There was a chance Serena wouldn't stay longer than just the night.

Serena was free to live her life. A life she had never truly got to experience before now. After a few months, Serena could pack up and leave, leaving Trowa where he was before he had met her. Trowa had spent most of the day thinking of every possible way to keep her and never let her slip away the way she had. But the more he thought about it and seeing her now, Trowa realized he couldn't put all his eggs in one basket.

The only thing Trowa could do was to prove to Serena that she could have a life here on Earth with him. Serena wouldn't have returned if she still didn't feel the same way she had before. Why go through the trouble of returning if she wasn't planning on staying? Or even accept the job offer Une had presented to her? Although Serena could've still taken the job, but worked at a different branch. There were plenty of other places she could have gone, but Serena had returned to Brussels.

Trowa shook his head, dispelling the thoughts and questions. He was overthinking everything. Serena came back for a reason, and he just needed to wait to find out what that reason was. Glancing to his right, he noticed Serena had given up on eating. Sighing inwardly, Trowa figured maybe now was the best time to address her distress over whatever was going on in her head.

Serena sighed as she put her fork down. She didn't feel like eating, and with Trowa watching her so closely, it wasn't helping the situation.

While Trowa had been respectful enough to keep some distance and not approach the one subject she knew was resting on the tip of his tongue. It was only making Serena question her sanity over it.

Maybe it would've been easier if he had just asked her in the first place, or it would've been easier if Serena had said something from the beginning.

After all, they wouldn't be sitting side by side quietly eating, or rather lack of eating on her part.

Why are you so terrified?

Why can't you just tell him?

Serena's mind kept repeating over and over again. Why was she afraid? Trowa didn't have any issues taking her back. But why did that bother her so much in the first place? She had been nervous, scared even to see him. Her thoughts had been running rampant in her head for days now.

What if he doesn't want to see me?

What if he blames me for everything?

What if he doesn't like who I am now?

What if he doesn't-

Serena tried to ignore the last question at all costs. Love was still something she was coming to learn and understand. Serena knew she felt something for Trowa, this deep connection she couldn't quite explain.

All Serena knew was that she wanted to feel these feelings again. The way it warmed her and made her look at the world differently. It changed her view of herself, or what Serena thought was herself, but now she could be someone else, possibly the person she was supposed to be.

Wasn't that the reason she had come back to Earth in the first place? To learn who she was and to learn to love someone?

"What am I supposed to do now?"

"Live your life." J had told her. "Go back to Earth with Heero. Enjoy what this world has to offer you, my dear."

Doctor J had given her the key to her freedom. While ideally, it would've been nicer to have left on her own, Serena couldn't deny that having Heero bring her back to Earth wasn't a terrible idea in the long run. Heero's reasoning wasn't unrealistic, even if she didn't fully agree with him. Her fears over what had happened and what could happen were enough to keep her away.

To hide till she was fully ready to see those she had hurt or until they had forgotten about her. Heero gave her time. If you could call two weeks adequately time to grow a backbone. But Heero's idea of giving her time meant multiple daily calls and a few random check-ins, in which Serena couldn't figure out how he managed. But this was Heero, and he always found a way.

But two weeks didn't seem like enough time, yet it felt like too much time.

Serena had spent every night contemplating returning. Returning to what little life she had lived before Gavin and Ischyrós. It was the first time Serena had felt like something other than a weapon, something more than a toy for someone to use for their own needs and wants. Serena had been able to experience new things. Be around others who understood her and even saw her as a person instead of an object.

But Trowa was the one who showed her there was more to life than she could've ever imagined.

He showed her kindness, opened up his home to her, and even cared for her when she needed someone to help her. He listened to her when she spoke, took an interest in the things she liked, and even valued her opinion. No one had ever done that for her. No one had ever listened enough to get to know her or ask her questions about herself on a personal level. Rather than just asking out of politeness or not asking at all.

Sure Doctor J had asked her for advice and had taken an interest in the things she enjoyed. He always made sure to have someone bring her new books and even went as far as to bring in a piano for her. But J wasn't out for her best interest. No matter how many good deeds he did for her, it was only to maintain the peace between them. Long enough for him to finish what he had started.

Serena was never a person, just the illusion of what she was supposed to be. A copy. A backup, just in case the world needed someone like her. But the world didn't need her, they already had someone like her, and he was at least the original version of himself.

Serena caught Trowa staring at her from the corner of her eye. A frown on his face. He wasn't hiding his feelings, but Serena wasn't doing a good job hiding hers either.

Ever since her memories returned, Serena felt off. Her control over herself didn't feel the same as it once had. Serena felt weaker, not just physically but mentally as well. Adjusting to what was considered "normal" didn't feel like it was the right fit for her.

Or maybe it was all in her head.

Serena knew she needed to get to the root of her dilemma. She could sit and stew in her senseless reasons for all of eternity, but it would never truly solve the reason why she was so afraid.

Was she afraid of him?

No, Serena concluded, she wasn't scared of Trowa. She was afraid of herself. Her past would always haunt her, much like Trowa's would haunt him. The only difference between them was that she knew his, but Trowa only knew a fraction of hers. The playing fields weren't even, but chances were, they'd never be.

"Serena," Trowa said calmly. She turned her head enough to get a better view of his face. Trying to gauge what he was about to say. But his face had fallen into a mask. "Is something bothering you? You haven't touched your food."

I don't let my past define me.

What stupid words Serena had spoken. Even though back then, she believed them. But now, Serena could see how wrong she was. Her past did define her. It shaped her into who she was today, even though Serena was unsure how good of a thing that was.

"That's not the question you want to ask me," Serena said back to him. A frown formed on her face. "I'm not so foolish to believe that you're not the least bit curious as to what happened."

"I want to know, but only when you're ready to tell me."

"You're too kind for your own good, Barton," Serena shook her head as she pushed her plate away. Her appetite had fled long ago, and she was finally ready to wave the white flag.

"I know you well enough to know that if forced into a corner, you'll just run," Trowa said. Serena arched a brow at him. He wasn't entirely wrong.

"I only run when there are no other options, and the mission is compromised."

"Am I another mission then?" Trowa smirked as he leaned closer to her. "I'm pretty sure you've already accomplished that one."

Serena knew what he was doing. Trowa was trying to lighten the mood and get her to break down the walls she had built. It had worked in the past with her, and Serena could play the same game right back, but could Trowa handle the truth?

"You were never a mission. I refused to accept it when the order came in. I wasn't risking your life for the possibility of accessing information I could obtain on my own."

"What?" Trowa sat straight up in his seat. The surprise of her admission was present on his face. "You were ordered to-"

"To use you to get information from Preventer, yes," Serena said, cutting him off. "J sent the order the same night..." Serena trailed off, unsure of her words. "The night Duo interrupted us. He wanted some information and wanted me to obtain it via you."

"Did you ever use me to obtain confidential information?" Trowa's face turned into a stone mask once again.

"No," Serena shook her head. "I took the risk of rejecting it. If anything, it was probably one of his tests."

"What kind of information did he want?"

"Nothing that pertains to you."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"It doesn't matter now," Serena said. "I never gave him anything other than regular reports."

"So why me? Why not Heero?"

"J may be old, but he's not stupid." Serena tightened her eyes. "Heero didn't exactly invite me to live with him. But you did." Trowa sighed as he held up his hands.

"I see where you're going with this."

"Are you satisfied?"

"No, but it's a start," a smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. "So, where were you?"

Serena knew it was coming. She had opened the door and invited him in. Trowa was clever enough to slip things in when needed and knew how to use his charm to get the necessary information.

"L1." Serena turned her head away.

"So Doctor J found you." It wasn't so much a question as it was a statement.

"More like I found him," Serena shrugged. Trowa's smirk disappeared into a frown from the corner of her eye. Another reason she didn't want to look him in the eyes. Trowa could've found her, probably had guessed where she was, but he didn't come looking for her.

It was something that had bothered her. Why hadn't Trowa come for her? Why hadn't Heero? Serena never asked Heero why he didn't return to L1 to look for her, and now she was wondering if she should've. Heero had told her they all had searched for her. But no one had physically come to L1 until after Doctor J contacted Heero. Then again, maybe J had lied to her and Heero. There was a possibility she wasn't on L1 the entire time she was away.

"What do you mean?"

"Cockpit ejected itself after I trigged the self-destruct sequence. Fail-safe installed purposely if I ever went overboard. I don't know precisely where I ended up, but that's what I was informed of when I woke up." Serena tried to keep her features neutral. She knew there was no point in avoiding the conversation. Trowa would find out sooner or later, and he had a knack for getting information from someone. Something Serena knew she'd have to work on herself.

There were some things Trowa didn't need to know.

Trowa cursed to himself as he thought over what Serena had said. If he had taken the time to think about it, he probably would have figured out where she was in the first place, and if that was the case, then he and Heero could've gone to get her. It was likely why Heero had been acting differently for the better part of the last two months. Especially the last few weeks. Heero knew where Serena was.

"Then why don't you tell me what happened," Trowa said as he pushed his plate away. If Serena was going to open up to him, he wanted to give her his full attention. They could always warm up their food later.

"What happened to the whole "not pushing" me?" Serena arched a brow at him.

"You offered up some information," Trowa shrugged. "We're not doing anything, and I don't think you plan on eating, so why don't we just talk?"

"You're acting too calm for my liking." Serena turned her head away from him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Serena," Trowa softly smiled as she turned her head back towards him. "Whatever happened isn't going to scare me off that easily. My feelings for you haven't changed, nor has my opinion about you. Don't feel as though you can't speak to me. I'm not going to judge you."

"You still don't know me."

"Not all of you, but I want to." Trowa reached his hand out, brushing a stray hair behind her ear. "I've done things I'm not proud of, seen things no one should ever see. But it's a part of me, part of who I am. All I can do is keep moving forward and try to better myself," he said. Serena's eyes softened while a small smile started breaking through her mask.

"You've always had an incredible way of handling yourself." Serena looked down, staring thoughtfully at her hands. "Even in battle, you thought of not just the negatives of what you were doing, but the good. You knew what you needed to be, but the lives you took weren't in vain. I've always admired that about you. It's easy to kill, but being able to feel remorse and pray for those you've killed has never come easily for me," Serena shook her head. Bring her eyes back up to meet his. "I've killed people without an ounce of guilt, but then again, I was programmed to do so."

"None of that is your fault," Trowa said as he grabbed her arm lightly, pulling Serena off her seat and into his arms. "We all handle things differently. I'm not perfect, but I've learned from my mistakes. You say those lives weren't in vain, but they were. My hands are tainted with every life I've ever taken. While God may not forgive me for what I've done, I can work to forgive myself and right those wrongs. If I can save even just one life, that's one less life I have to add to my list."

Serena chuckled as she settled herself against him.

"What's funny about what I said?" Trowa asked. His words were to comfort her, not make her laugh.

"I may not have killed as many people, but I was on the fast track to it." Serena rested her head against his shoulder. "I think you're too hard on yourself. From what I've seen, you've paid for every life already. You've reflected, and your actions after were for the better good of the Earth and Colonies. Don't forget that. You and everyone else saved more lives than you killed. If Zechs had won, think about how the Earth would've been if Libra had fallen?"

"I know," Trowa said. And he knew all too well what would've become of the Earth and its people. "But why did you laugh?"

"Because we're talking about something entirely off topic. And because you're passionate about what you're doing with your life now. I think it's sweet." Serena tilted her head enough to smile at him.

"You think it's sweet?" Trowa lifted a brow. "Are you sure you're the same Serena I met months ago?"

"Same, just slightly different," Serena shook her head as she pulled away from him. A smile on her face. "I'm guessing you want to know the truth now?"

"I do, so long as you're ready."

Trowa sat calmly, softly smiling at her. He was ready to hear her story, but Serena wasn't so sure she was ready. Serena knew there was no avoiding the inevitable. Maybe she'd feel better after. But there was still a fear of the unknown. Life was going to be different from here on out. Her only fear at this point was that the life she wanted to live and what her life would be, wasn't the same.

A small part of Serena knew she'd always be the person she was before. Delta would never leave her and would always haunt her. Could she learn to live with it? Would she be able to live this new life? Or would her past swallow her whole, taking anything she cared about along with it?

Those were the questions Serena wasn't sure she wanted to know the answers to, and maybe it would've been easier if she hadn't lived, had never met Trowa or Heero, or anyone else for that matter. Life was easier back then in some ways. She was just a ghost living a life that wasn't hers. She didn't have to worry about hurting anyone she cared about, and Serena only needed to keep her head down and follow the rules.

But things were different now, and maybe it was time to accept that.

There were people she cared about and the unfinished business that Serena needed to accomplish. And there was the small light at the end of the tunnel showing her that things could be different this time around. So long as she took the leap of faith, even if it was scary to do.

Taking a deep breath, Serena dove into her story. Hoping the outcome would be better than what she was picturing inside her head.

A/N

Happy Chapter Four!

I know this story feels like a slow burn compared to TC posting-wise, and while I do apologize for that. I'm trying to stay ahead with chapters so I'm able to post weekly. I'm hoping as time goes on that I'll be able to finish the story and be able to post twice a week. But to do that, I need to stop writing the middle and end of this story and focus on the beginning half, haha. I did this exact same thing when I wrote TC and it seems I still haven't learned that lesson.

I write out of order, especially when I get stuck on something or I'm not feeling what I'm currently doing. While this type of process does work and helps you figure out where you're story is going, even if you have it all mapped out, it does have its flaws. I'm more excited for all the action and events to come later in the story that this "slow burn" of "normal" life I'm writing about right now just isn't doing it for me. But I do need to paint a picture here and tell the story this way or everything else that happens won't have the same effect. The beginning of this story is similar to TC in that aspect.

Anywho, because I've rambled enough above, Serena is still very much feeling uneasy about things. Lots of good questions anyone would ask themselves if they've been gone for months without a single word to someone they care about, but is that truly why she's uneasy? Or does it have to do with what we'll learn in the following chapters? Although, Serena does hit on one very important point to take away from this chapter. Trowa and her will never likely be on even playing fields when it comes to their pasts. Along with other hints, I've left. Don't forget to read between the lines, and while at this point you should know that something is going to happen later in the story, I'm still dropping hints about it and other things along the way. There are still plenty of twists and turns to come in this story, and I promise that it'll be a wild ride.

Until next time, have a great rest of your week and I'll be back next Monday with chapter five, Lost Within Oneself.

-MM