Chapter Five
Lost Within Oneself

October A.C. 203

A groan escaped past her lips as someone moved her. Pain exploded through her entire body. She couldn't remember why she was in so much pain, but her body felt as though it had been through a meat grinder.

"Place her on the table. Be careful with her head," a male's voice sounded from her left.

Trying to open her eyes to see who was speaking, she blinked against the harsh light as pain coursed through her skull from the overhead lights. Groaning again, she tried to open her mouth to speak.

"We need to get an IV running. I also need the portable scanner," the male voice sounded familiar, but at the same time, she couldn't place who it belonged to. Why was it so difficult? She knew she was in pain, but why couldn't her brain formulate the necessary information?

"Serena? Can you hear me?"

She made a noise with whatever strength she had. Everything hurt to move, and she couldn't keep her eyes open.

"Serena, just lie still. You're injured, and I'm afraid the chip is burning out again."

Who was this man? Why was he calling her by that name, and what was the chip?

She felt something prick her arm before a cool liquid rushed into her veins. Soon the pain eased, then the harsh white light. Everything was growing darker. It was a welcomed feeling to what she had been feeling only moments ago. Letting the feeling wash over her, she surrendered to whatever awaited her.

January A.C. 204

A strange sound kept forming in her dreamless state. Or what she assumed to be dreamless. It was just a black void. Nothing to see, nothing to do, but the noise it was almost-

Beep.

It was the first sound she had heard in what felt like forever. But she couldn't place the sound.

Beep.

The more she focused on the sound, the more she felt like she could feel something. Something other than blackness.

Beep.

When she finally opened her eyes, she saw a dingy white ceiling above her head. She felt an uncomfortable mattress under her body. She could feel the tubs of the nasal cannula pushed up into her nose, an IV in her hand, the wires attached to her arms, chest, hands, and legs, a blood pressure cuff, and a bed sheet that covered her body. The beeping sound from her dreamless slumber came from a machine stationed next to her.

Turning her head to the side, she saw an electronic vital sign monitor displaying her heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen saturation, respiration, and temperature. An Oxygen concentrator that was once helping her to supply her with oxygen next to the monitor. Reaching up, she pulled the tubs away from her face, breathing in the stale air of the room around her. It wasn't the clean, sterile air the machine was providing, but it felt better than having forced air into her body.

Sitting up, she felt how weak and stiff her body was. A small spell of dizziness told her that she hadn't been in an upright position for some time. From what she could gather, she must have been in a coma.

Once she removed the other wires, the blood pressure cuff, and IV, did she take the time to look around the strange room. It wasn't a large room. Only a single door with no windows or anything hanging from the walls. Minus the IV bag hanging from a hook. The room looked more like a coat closet than it did a hospital room.

"You're awake."

Turning her head sharply, she saw a man dressed in a white lab coat with both legs confined to braces, and where his right hand should've been, it had a metal claw. In his left hand, he held onto a cane. His long white beard and round glass eyes threw her for a loop. Not to mention the fact she hadn't even heard him come in.

That bothered her the most.

The room was such a small space she should've heard the man open the door. Warning bells started to go off in her head, but she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do or why her fight or flight was kicking in.

"Who are you?" She demanded with a raspy voice. The man standing in front of the door only frowned at her words.

"You don't remember who I am?" He asked in a tone that left little room to disperser his feelings towards the question. How was she supposed to know who he was? She had never seen him before. Shaking her head, she caused a small wave of pain to shoot through her head. "Hm, I was afraid of that. How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Afraid of what?" She countered back.

"I'm going to assume you're feeling relatively normal. You're speaking well enough, and your pupils are normal, which are all good signs."

"You didn't answer my question," she growled at him, finding some strength in her voice. "You didn't answer either of them."

"Short-term memory seems intact, though your long term is questionable," the man commented.

Tossing the bed sheets off, she tried to stand from the makeshift bed. "Don't try and move, my dear. We need to make sure the injuries you sustained have healed properly."

Ignoring him, she stood from the bed. Her legs felt wobbling under her own power, but after a moment of leaning a hand against the wall, she was able to righten herself.

"I demand to know who you are, where I am, and why I'm injured."

"Do you even know your name?" The man countered back. Both his good hand and claw hand rested on his cane. "If you can tell me your name, I will answer any questions you may have."

"My name is…" she trailed off. Searching her brain for something familiar. "I'm…" Gritting her teeth together, she tried to fight off the pain that started to grow in her head. How could she not know her name? Who was she? "I'm-"

"Enough!" He said sharply, effectively cutting her off. "You'll send yourself into another blackout if you keep trying. And this time, I don't want to see you hit the floor!"

Hit the floor? She thought to herself.

"This isn't the first time this has happened?" She asked. Was this something that happened before? But she had no recollection of waking up until now. The man standing in front of her sighed heavily.

"You've woken up a few times now. Each time you've been unable to tell me who you are. This time, however, I'd prefer for you to stay awake. Now come, we need to run a few tests," the man said as he turned half a round, reaching for the door handle.

"Wait!" She moved to stop him. "At least tell me your name!" The man turned slightly, glancing over his shoulder at her.

"Jay Null, but you may call me Doctor J."

A few weeks passed with slight improvement. Doctor J conducted daily medical evaluations along with physical training exercises on her. Files filled with information about a life she couldn't place had been given to her to review during her downtime. None of the material ever clicked in her mind. The life she had been studying wasn't recalling any memory.

Serena felt like she was reading about someone else's life rather than her own. No matter how many times she questioned the man named Doctor J, he continuously confirmed that it was indeed her life that she was reading.

But pieces were missing, information he wasn't offering up to her. Serena could feel it in her bones, but there was no proof to counter what he was telling her.

The life she had been living before her accident appeared to be almost the same life she had been living since she awoke from her coma. Testing, training, and rest. Day in and day out. Occasionally, she'd do other things, and as time progressed, there was only so much resting Serena could do. Her mind wouldn't allow her to after training all day, and as her body regained its strength, the more she wanted to do. Serena wanted to test her limits mentally and physically.

So she started with easy tasks. Little things wouldn't warrant Doctor J to reprimand her.

Serena had taken over cooking their meals, almost as if it seemed the most natural to her. Doctor J didn't question her or did he complain. He only complimented her on her cooking skills. Serena had also taken over some of the cleaning duties. Basic tidying of the lab and rooms, but she had mainly done it because she couldn't stand to watch Doctor J shuffling about with a broom. It wasn't like he wasn't capable of cleaning. But it was more difficult for him to do so, and Serena was sure that his age was starting to affect some of his mobility. Not just the leg braces he wore.

One day Serena found an old upright piano in one of the many rooms inside whatever place they had been living in. Besides the lab and living quarters, there were a few other rooms on what appeared to be a single floor. There was an elevator along with a stairwell. But she hadn't gone as far as to see what was above them. Serena only knew they were on the lowest level of a building. The piano had been in one of the storage rooms with boxes of equipment piled around it for some time.

Serena had poked around in the boxes, but nothing caught her eye. She quickly moved the containers to the side as she made her way toward the piano. Within a few hours, she had finally managed to free it from its hiding place while making a big enough path to the doorway to get it out of the room.

With some effort, Serena pulled the piano out of the room and moved it into the lab. She would've put it in her room, but her room wasn't more than a shoebox. When Serena questioned Doctor J about the piano, he told her that he had found it years ago and had it brought in for her. He wouldn't offer up why, other than it was some kind of gift he had given her. Serena found it odd and even more strange when he asked her to play something on it.

When she had first sat down, her hands hovered over the keys. Unsure of herself, but deciding against the small voice in her head reminding her she couldn't remember a damn thing, Serena slowly pressed her fingers against the keys.

She started slowly, testing to see if it was even in tune or if it'd even play anything. To her surprise, the notes she played were in tune. As she continued, Serena noticed not one key needed to be adjusted. Stopping, she stood and opened the top of the tall backing. Besides the outside appearance of the piano, everything on the inside was clean and looked to be brand new. The outside wasn't in the best condition, as if someone was trying to deter someone from using it. It only made her question why someone would do such a thing, but with the inside, the most vital components besides the keys themselves were in working order. Serena shrugged off the minor details as she sat back down, bringing her hands back into position to play.

As her fingers began working on their own accord, her mind shut down, blocking everything and everyone out. A feeling of calm and peacefulness overtook her.

Serena had fallen into the melody she had been playing. She couldn't place the song, but the feeling she felt playing was familiar. As if it was something she had done before, much like her training. It felt natural. It was a comforting feeling, but it still didn't tell her who she was. Or what she was supposed to be doing. Something Serena had been questioning more over the past few days.

She felt there was more she should've accomplished rather than hiding in some abandoned building. Serena could've had a family or a life outside the walls she had been calling home. Doctor J hadn't told her much, as he had been more into finding out how well she was healing. Serena wasn't so ignorant to think that he was trying to determine if she had any long-term damage.

From her understanding of what happened in her accident, she should've been dead. The blast triggered the escape pod to eject itself from whatever it was attached to, likely saving her life. Her body had been mangled from several broken bones, lacerations to her body and head, a partially collapsed lung, and the amount of blood she had lost. It was amazing she had even regained some consensus after everything that had happened to her. She had also been lucky that none of her broken bones damaged her vital organs.

The escape pod looked like it was smashed to pieces with a hammer about a hundred times. Serena had spent some time pulling whatever was left of it apart. But none of it gave her any more clues to what had happened to her. Serena only found that the inside still had blood smeared all over it. A single handprint on the controls told her that she had tried to do something, but what that something was, she'd never know.

Serena had been questioning things more and more in her mind. Between the files she read about "herself" and the escape pod, Serena knew a larger piece of the puzzle she was missing from everything. It made dealing and living with Doctor J more annoying for her. He only told her information when he felt like it, or he did it in some cryptic way. One Serena couldn't quite figure out.

She had the freedom to move about the place. Use the computers and even go as far as to use Doctor J's equipment to build random things or take something apart. Serena spent most of her free time bouncing between doing a little bit of everything. She would spend the evenings researching information on the computers or seated at the piano, letting the music relax her sore muscles and clear her mind of the day's activities. If she had been in a partially foul mood that day, Serena would return to the small gym area and continue to go over her training exercises.

It was something Doctor J would comment on often. He was never thrilled when she'd overdo it and end up collapsing. Even if she knew she was pushing herself. Not to mention the headaches that would come on without warning. Sometimes if she tried to think back on what she thought was a memory, the headache would be enough to cause her to faint. But still, knowing what could and would happen, she continued to push herself and her mind. Serena needed to know who she was. Where she belonged, and if her name was honestly hers.

March A.C. 204

"So, my name really is Serena?" Doctor J nodded his head. They were seated across from each other at a small table in the kitchen with their dinners untouched. It was the first time she voiced any concerns about her name. Doctor J had slowly started calling her by her chosen name when Serena had regained consciousness.

Doctor J wondered why she was questioning it now after it had been months. He had expected Serena to ask him when he started calling her by the name and even once she started reading her file. But she hadn't. Serena had only gone along with things like she had when he first woke her up from her capsule.

At least in the beginning. Doctor J had noticed that things had started to change over the last several weeks. While she had questioned a few things, she had done it more out of concern than anything. Serena didn't believe the files he had presented her with were about her life. A typical reaction Doctor J had anticipated.

"Yes, Serena Lowell. A clever name, I might add."

"I chose the name?" Serena asked with a hardened expression on her face. The name appeared to not sit well with her. For whatever reason, she still didn't fully trust him. But it shouldn't have surprised Doctor J at this point. Serena had always been skeptical regarding certain things, and it seemed that aspect of herself had returned.

"Before that, you went by many different names. Delta was the main one we used. When I gave you the opportunity, you selected Serena."

The past few weeks had been rough, to say the least, Serena had been cooperative, but she had also been resentful. Mainly of herself. Every time she tried to remember something, Serena would fall into a fainting spell. Even though her brain was still healing, Doctor J was starting to fear her memories would be gone forever if he didn't take some kind of action. Doctor J had been hopeful that the files Serena had been reading and the files he allowed her to view on his computer would help jog her memory in some form.

While Serena had been able to perform every task asked of her, Serena still maintained some sense of her old self. Even when she was left alone to occupy herself, things Serena had done before seemed to come to her naturally, and Doctor J had hoped it would be enough. But as the weeks passed and with little to no improvement, Doctor J knew he needed to do something. His window of opportunity was shrinking. Every day Serena continued to live without her memories, the less there was a chance she would remember. Not to mention there was a possibility Serena may never recover. But if he allowed Serena to continue to live like this, Doctor J wasn't sure he could live with knowing she'd never have the freedom she deserved.

They had fallen into silence. Serena was looking down at her plate, and Doctor J knew things had changed, not just with her stance towards him but everything else. Her frustrations were starting to show more often, like this particular day. Serena had been in the gym for hours. Longer than she was supposed to be. Doctor J had checked on her and found her aggressively attacking the punching bag. After a brief stand-off, Serena conceded before retiring to her room to shower and change before starting dinner.

"Are you willing to speak with someone from your past?" He asked, breaking the silence. Serena's head flew up so fast that Doctor J was positive she had hurt her neck.

"Someone from my past?" Her eyes widen ever so slightly.

"Yes, I'd like to see how you handle it. It might be good for you to speak with someone other than myself."

"Who?" Serena asked.

"Don't worry about who right now."

Serena nodded before her eyes returned to the untouched food on her plate. Doctor J frowned as he recognized the signs. She was upset. Serena wouldn't touch her food if she had it her way.

"We should eat. We can discuss this later. After dinner, I wish for you to rest."

"I want to go back-"

"No," J said sternly, cutting her off. "While your body has been recovering nicely, and your strength is returning, you still need to rest. And by rest, I mean rest. Not going back to the gym, not spending hours in front of the computer. If you want you can play the piano or read one of the new books I brought you. But for tonight, you will do nothing but allow your body the downtime it needs."

Serena said nothing more as she picked up her fork, selected a piece of meat, and brought it to her mouth. Satisfied that Serena was at least going to eat, Doctor J went back to his meal.

"What's the ZERO System?" Serena asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence. Doctor J calmly put down his fork, raising his head to meet Serena's intense blue eyes. Her face had fallen into its stoic mask, one she wore more often than she had when she first awoke.

Unreadable, even to the trained eye.

But it didn't take Doctor J much to figure out Serena had hacked deeper into his computer. While her memories were few and far between, the skills he had engraved into her hadn't lost their touch. At least he had planned for something like this.

"You've been doing some more digging, haven't you?"

"Hm."

"The Zoning & Emotional Range Omitted System is a complex system, but its main purpose is for war. Specifically for MS combat."

"Mobile suits?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Serena crossed her arms over her chest. Doctor J tightened his eyes. She had been waiting to ask him this question.

"The ZERO system was designed to enhance the pilot's overall fighting skills, giving them the greatest outcome of success. There's no room for weakness when in battle. But the system is flawed nonetheless. While it can help the pilot to maneuver better by alerting the stress put on someone in combat, the system ignores a pilot's emotions and morals."

"Then why use it at all?"

"Because there are some who can handle the program and not become a victim to the system,"

Doctor J raised his hand slightly, pointing at her. "But you already know all this."

"My escape pod is the cockpit of a mobile suit, isn't it?" Serena asked boldly. J wondered where this conversation was going to go. He hadn't told her any information relating to the cockpit. "Why was I know one?"

"How did you come to that conclusion?" Doctor J countered.

"Too many control panels, viewing monitors, and while the onboard system is semi-there, something is missing from it. It wouldn't happen to be the ZERO system, would it?"

"Did you try and power any of it up?"

"The whole system's fried, even when using a battery cell."

"I see," Doctor J nodded.

"Why was I in a mobile suit?" Serena asked again.

"Have you looked further into the ZERO system, and what kind of mobile suits was it originally designed for?"

Serena's eyes narrowed more. Doctor J knew he was pushing her, tolerance-wise, but he was curious to see how much digging she had been doing. Serena was able to conclude that her escape pod was a cockpit. Was this based on a suspicion she had? Or did this all stem from Serena spending an evening in front of his computer?

"I want to know what the system does," Serena said instead of answering his question. Reading between the lines, Doctor J knew what Serena was asking him.

"I don't think you're ready for that, my dear. You should recover before we can even play with the idea of you testing your limits with something of that nature. When the time arrives, I'll allow you to try a simulation MS battle without the ZERO system to start."

"Hm." Dropping the topic, Serena picked up her fork, beginning to eat again.

Doctor J followed suit, keeping his eyes trained on her. Serena had been spending extra time on the computer, and while he didn't always check to see what she was doing, Doctor J wished he had. He could've prepared himself better for a conversation of this nature. It was only a matter of time before Serena asked such questions.

He never bothered to hide the cockpit from her. Doctor J had hoped that Serena would become interested in it and therefore help her in another way to regain her memories. But it seemed even doing that hadn't changed the predicament Serena was still stuck in. Doctor J had tried to power up the cockpit several times while she was still in a coma. It was futile in the end. Once the backup power cell failed, after he had retrieved Serena, the onboard system ended up seizing up. It was a miracle that Serena had survived and that the cockpit had done what he had designed it to do. The only downside he couldn't have anticipated was how Serena impacted with something else after she had self-detonated her Gundam.

The force of the self-destruct, combined with the impact of flying directly into another object, had damaged the cockpit more than the self-detonation should've done. It made rather the necessary information more difficult. Doctor J could only go off on what he saw in front of him. But one thing he hadn't anticipated was Serena's conclusion that she was once in a Gundam.

Doctor J wondered how she had figured it out. But he wasn't going to ask her again. Serena likely wouldn't answer him and only bring up the ZERO system. While he had left those details in his system, he had limited the amount of information Serena would be able to read. Even the blueprints to something as simple as a Leo were limited. But Doctor J had gone even further to limit information about the Gundams. Mainly for safety reasons. Should someone enter the lab and recognize himself or Serena, Doctor J made sure no blueprints or information regarding how to build and program the ZERO system was assessable. Those closely guarded secrets would stay with those who knew them by heart.

Doctor J looked back at Serena as she continued to eat her dinner, replaying the conversation they had over again in his mind. The ZERO system had been an idea, but was the risks worth the reward? Would Serena's memories return if she used the system? And if they did, how much would she remember?

Doctor J could, if he wanted to, reimplement the microchip and jog her memory that way. But with the failure of the last two chips, there wasn't any way for him to gain access to memories. Because of this, any memories Serena had of meeting Heero, including the others, would be gone for good. Along with her feelings towards Trowa Barton. Serena wouldn't remember Trowa or their short relationship, but Doctor J wasn't too sure if he wanted her to remember.

If Serena didn't regain her memory, Doctor J could reprogram her in a sense. He could start fresh, fine-tuning Serena to be her absolute best. But was her life worth the risk? A life Serena had been hoping for, dreaming of having? Something other than what he had created her for in the first place?

Was his pride too strong to break? Could he let Serena go and let her become the girl he had only seen glimpses of in the past? The girl who used to smile often, the same girl who appreciated the simple things in life and was content to have her books and music to keep her happy. Or as satisfied as he could make her.

Doctor J remembered the first time she had seen the ocean on Earth. The first time she had taken off her shoes and let her toes touch the warm sand. He wasn't one to leave the comforts of Space, but he wanted to allow her the opportunity to see the Earth. Rather than just having her read about it. Images and videos could only show her so much, but Doctor J wanted Serena to feel and experience it herself.

It was after Edwards had approached Doctor J about his work and later inquired about Serena. If the only thing he could've ever done for her back then, Doctor J would still make the same decision. Seeing Serena walk on the beach he had taken them to had shown him she was just as human as he was. She may have been created from a host's DNA, but Serena was very much a person in her own right, nothing like the first, but someone who was also so close to a carbon copy of Beta that it was hard to distinguish the two at times.

If he had created her back then, would she have turned out the same? It was a question Doctor J had pondered over the years, but as he sat across from Serena, he realized she wouldn't have turned out the same. Her strength came from the knowledge she had learned from the other pilots, life experiences, a sense of what was right and wrong, and how to fight for what she believed.

No, he couldn't have done better, and Doctor J certainly couldn't create the same girl he knew now. Serena's fate was to do great things in this world they lived in. To become something greater than even she knew. Wasn't that his main goal for her? Or had he, too, lost sight of what his original objection was?

A/N

Happy Chapter Five!

We're finally in the first flashback to what happened to Serena while she was away. I'll tell you now that the next four chapters are of this time period before we go back to the current timeline. A lot of things happen and if you've read this part before, shh, don't tell anyone! Haha! But if you have read this before, you'll notice I changed/added a lot more to this chapter. Am I foreshadowing? Of course, I am! I hinted at a lot of things in this chapter, but I'm not going to explain them. Sorry!

This chapter is almost 5k for words so I'm going to keep my notes short. In a basic rundown of the chapter, we get to see what happened right after Serena is pulled from her "escape pod," and later what it looked like. Guess it is a miracle she's still alive. When Serena first wakes up, she had no idea where she is, who she is, or what has happened to her. But we do learn that this wasn't the first time she's awoken. I still love the ending of that scene where J tells her his name. Next, we see Serena telling us about what's been going on with her, and her lack of memories. Little hints at things here and there about her life before all of this. Which we learn a little more about later on in the next section. Is Serena hitting a breaking point with everything and she's not confronting J? Possibly, or is it leading up to what's going to happen in the next several chapters? Yes, lol.

That wasn't great foreshadowing on my part, but I'm feeling silly right now. In this last section of the chapter, we're seeing from Doctor J's perspective. For those of you who read this the first time round, you'll notice I really changed up this whole scene. It needed more context, but I did not fully answer every question you may have. I'm not sorry. Regardless, it seems Serena has figured out some things, while also being told that she may just get to talk to someone from her past. Wonder who that could be? Before I end my note, just remember how Doctor J is feeling and thinking about things in regard to Serena. He did give a lot of information, some of which is very important to the story itself.

Until next week, with Chapter Six, Second Chance. (Am I really leaving you all to ponder my statement above? Yes, yes I am.)

-MM