Sort of a short chapter, but we are getting somewhere here! I've been re-reading "Worm" lately and it's amazing how many things make more sense on the second read through. If you like violent super hero fiction or just want an original and interesting (and complete) story and need something to read while waiting for your favorite fanfictions to update you should google "Worm web serial". There's no shortage of snarky jerks like Izaya and of course my two favorites, Tattletale and Regent, are some of the snarkiest.
Anyway time to stop promoting other peoples work ahaha! Enjoy the chapter! I have the next 2 in the works!
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT!
…~-~...
"Izaya, are you afraid of me?"
"Going for the complicated and hard hitting conversations today, are we
Shizu-chan?"
Izaya was almost asleep when Shizuo decided to ask such a difficult personal question. After their brief argument Shizuo finally turned on the television to break the strained silence while Izaya leaned against him.
Over the next hour Izaya had positioned himself so that he was lying on his side, his head resting on Shizuo's left leg using it as a pillow. He'd actually begun to feel comfortable in this position if he didn't think too much about the implications.
"Is it really that complicated?" Shizuo replied, shifting slightly under Izaya, "I was just looking for a 'yes' or 'no' answer…"
"But it's not as simple as 'yes' or 'no'. Do you understand?"
"With most people I'd say it is, but I guess you're not 'most people'."
Izaya smiled. "Very true," he replied.
"I still want an answer."
Rolling onto his back to look up at Shizuo, Izaya let out a small laugh that ended in a sigh. "Of course you do," he said.
"Are you going to give me one?"
"Yes, just give me a moment to think."
"No, you're smart enough to think while you talk. I don't want to give you the time to think up a lie."
"Contrary to popular belief, I actually rarely lie outright. I-"
"Stop stalling," Shizuo interrupted, poking Izaya on the forehead.
"Ow, okay," he batted Shizuo's hand away with his good arm. His right wrist still ached. "The short answer is no, at least that's right now in my current position."
"But I almost killed you," he said, looking away from Izaya's eyes.
"Well," Izaya sat up, regretting leaving his comfortable position almost instantly, "Are you afraid of me?"
"What?"
"I almost killed you too, remember? I've also proven that I can get you fired, frame you for crimes you didn't commit, or send little girls with modified tasers after you. You may be able to crush a person's skull, but I can destroy them creatively."
"But you won't," Shizuo said hesitantly.
"No, I've never killed anyone. And neither have you. Though admittedly you've probably put more people in the hospital than I have, but I know you don't want to kill, so I am not afraid."
"But…?"
"Hm?
"You said you weren't afraid right now. Meaning you have been."
"Perceptive aren't we?" Izaya sighed again, "Fine, although I know you don't necessarily want to kill me right now, or so I hope," Shizuo nodded in reply, "I know you are capable of it and given our history I will admit that thought can make me uneasy. Probably a little more than it used to since the day you broke both my arms."
Shizuo's thoughts flashed back to the image of Izaya bleeding on the streets, arms hanging useless. If no one had come for him, he wouldn't be here now. He surely would have died from his wounds. He said he had been prepared to die that day. But did that make what happened any better? All the damage he was able to do to Izaya with so little effort…
"Hey, stop that look," Izaya said mimicking Shizuo's earlier actions and poking Shizuo on the forehead. "We already had this conversation today, I'm not innocent in what happened and I don't blame you for what you did to me, are we clear?"
"Yeah," Shizuo replied, trying to push his thoughts away and accept that Izaya meant what he was saying.
"Good," Izaya moved back into his previous position, resting his head on Shizuo's lap. "I guess to make it easy I can say I am only afraid of you if you're actively trying to hurt me and even then it can be hit or miss depending on if you're doing a good job of it. But a little adrenaline is good every once in awhile."
Izaya closed his eyes to get back to resting, trying desperately not to think about how easy it was to talk about his personal thoughts with Shizuo. Getting close would be dangerous for both of them. Not just because of Jiro, but because Izaya wasn't sure he could protect Shizuo from himself. He wasn't exactly a caring individual. He couldn't form and keep friendships with anyone besides Shinra, and even that friendship was shaky at best. But Shizuo seemed to be trying to form a connection. Holding back his anger when discussing their history, putting up with him all day without punching him, and even allowing him to basically cuddle with him while they slept last night. It was all very strange to him and even stranger that it seemed to be happening so effortlessly.
He loved Shizuo. He wanted to be around him, to hold him and be held by him. And… more. He just wanted more.
Izaya was startled when in one fluid motion Shizuo pulled him up against his against his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around him. He could feel his face growing red but luckily his back was to Shizuo.
"I won't hurt you," he said quietly into Izaya's ear, "I want to keep you safe."
The genuine sounding tone in his voice was conflicting for Izaya. On one hand it was reassuring, calming. On the other it was fucking terrifying.
What was their relationship turning into? Could he stop it before it was too late and one or both of them ended up hurt? Should he try to stop it?
All he knew is that this wasn't the direction he'd intended things to go when he asked Shizuo to be his bodyguard. He was no expert in personal relationships but he knew this isn't how bodyguards acted with the person they were protecting, and it certainly wasn't how people expressed friendship. It was far too intimate and to make it worse, Izaya liked it. Which would make it that much harder to push him away if he decided to do so.
In his head, Izaya made a list of pros and cons. Despite being able to list quite a few more reasons that allowing this to continue was a terrible idea rather than a good one, he had to admit that some of those pros did outweigh the cons.
Namely this. The feeling of being held when he needed it most. Having someone there when the stress was too much.
Izaya gave in. It was so much easier to rest his head in the crook of Shizuo's neck than it would be to try and tear himself away.
…~-~...
It only took a few days for cuddling like this to become normal. Any time they sat on the couch they ended up in some strange position, usually with Shizuo's arms around Izaya.
They had also both been sleeping in Shizuo's bed where they ended up in a similar situation. Izaya somehow pressed against Shizuo, both enjoying the sensation of sleeping next to another warm body.
When Shizuo left for work, Izaya would spend some time doing small jobs from his computer-just enough to pay his bills for now. He would also do some digging. Trying to find out where Jiro might be positioned. It was tough finding someone who didn't want to be found, tougher when they knew what they were doing. Izaya had no way of knowing what name Jiro was going by to the public eye, or if he had a home to stay at for that matter. He could be at hotels, internet cafes, staying with someone he knows as Izaya was…
If he knew where he was he might be able to track his movements. Figure out what he was planning and when. But every day was unsuccessful and ended with Izaya on the verge of panic and rage by the time Shizuo returned.
Izaya was thankful that Shizuo was so oddly perceptive lately. While it did make him feel vulnerable, the other man always seemed to know when Izaya was in distress the moment he walked through the door. Shizuo would take one look at him, then begin preparing a cup of chamomile tea (which he said he bought for Izaya on his way back from work one day). He would bring Izaya the cup and they would sit, hugging Izaya from behind while he drank the tea. It was a routine they now had and without it Izaya doubted he would be able to sleep at all.
It became a moment of clarity where his thoughts finally made sense. A reset button when he became too strained to focus. It was everything to him to have these moments, and he was terrified to think what might happen to him if it were to end.