I went over my outline which is constantly changing and I think we are nearing the actual climax of this fic fairly soon. I went over everything and I think this fic will turn out to be somewhere around 45 chapters, maybe 50 if I end up throwing in some extra ideas as I go. So we are definitely more than half way through. Also the only reason this chapter took so long is because I kept writing future chapters so… Hopefully less of a wait for the next one! I have the next 3 chapters partially written already.

Anyway it's my fucking 27th birthday today and I feel like a grandmother send help. Or just enjoy this chapter. Thanks for sticking around while I take forever to write this!

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"Do you want toast?" Shizuo called the question across the apartment.

"Yes please," Izaya replied, emerging from the bathroom. He was wearing an oversized hoodie and pajama pants and his hair was still wet from his shower and sticking up in a few places. As he headed towards the kitchen he quickly combed it down with his fingers using his good hand.

Punching a hole in the wall had set his wrist injury back a week or two according to Shinra. They had gone to see him the next day when Shizuo began to worry about the extra swelling when they woke up.

Somehow that night despite Izaya saying he'd rather sleep on the couch, it hadn't taken much for Shizuo to convince him to change his mind. Izaya tried not to think about how close they had been to each other that evening. It felt like Shizuo was trying to initiate… something. He didn't want to think about it. The thought made his chest ache with a strange longing. He was torn between wanting to kiss Shizuo and wanting to keep the man at a distance. Yet it was becoming steadily more difficult to think of any reason why he shouldn't let Shizuo get closer to him. After all, the past 3 nights since re-injuring his wrist Izaya had slept peacefully next to him without any nightmares.

I can't waste my energy thinking about this… Izaya reasoned with himself. Instead he focused on finishing his breakfast and finding some time to work.

After breakfast Izaya did just that, while Shizuo spent some time flipping through channels on the TV. He seemed to finally settle on some American Western movie badly dubbed in Japanese.

Izaya decided to tune it out, focusing on replying to some of his emails instead. They tended to build up when he didn't go through them daily. Only a few were from his important clients which he gave priority to, the rest for now he would ignore. Once all of this mess with Jiro was taken care of he'd have to figure out what his plans for the future would be. But for now he didn't need to piss anyone else off by selling information without double checking into who exactly it was going to. No need to make more enemies…

CRACK

Izaya stiffened, his mind going blank for an instant in reaction to a sound he wasn't prepared to hear.

It came from the TV, but before Izaya could fully comprehend what was happening on the screen, Shizuo desperately dove for the remote and changed the channel.

Izaya blinked, feeling slightly relieved as he convinced himself the cracking of a whip was just in the movie and not a danger to him, however his relief was short lived.

Why did he…?

He turned and Shizuo was eyeing him. He was trying not to make it look obvious but Izaya's eyes were trained enough to recognize something was off.

"Why did you change the channel, Shizuo?" He asked, trying desperately to calm his racing heart and appear unphased. As if he were curious instead of suspicious.

"I just realized I'd seen that one before," Shizuo replied quickly.

A blatant lie. Izaya didn't buy it for a second. "No you haven't. Why did you change the channel, Shizuo?" He moved closer, studying Shizuo's expression and body language to try and pick up on why Shizuo felt the need to lie. The only reason he could think of was something he didn't want to accept.

"It just… looked like it was bothering you," Shizuo said, now clearly avoiding eye contact.

He fucking knows. How the fuck could he possibly know…?! Izaya's chest felt tight. Something was very wrong with this situation and he needed to know the details immediately.

"What about that did you think would bother me?" Izaya pushed, letting some of his ire seep out into his words. "Shizuo if you're hiding something I might actually kill you."

"Fucking hell," Shizuo cursed, his head hanging, "I was waiting for the right time to tell you but I guess that's out the fucking window!"

Shizuo was angry, but Izaya could tell that his anger wasn't directed at him for once. Grabbing the collar of his shirt, Izaya pulled Shizuo closer so he could see his face.

"Tell me what, Shizuo?" He asked firmly.

"I was… given a video on a DVD," Shizuo explained.

Izaya felt himself go pale and let go of Shizuo's shirt. "A video of what?"

Shizuo swallowed. "I… I think you already know. Fuck, Izaya, I'm so sorry. I… thought that sound would bother you." He gestured to the television.

Izaya faltered but managed to keep his balance. He wanted to scream. Shizuo had seen him. He'd actually seen a piece of what Jiro did to him. One of the worst moments as well from the sound of it.

"How long ago was this?" He managed to ask.

"It's the reason I agreed to help you in the first place."

"You fucking IDIOT!" Izaya erupted, "Why the fuck wouldn't you tell me about this sooner?!"

Thoughts overwhelmed him. There were too many at once, bombarding him when he was already too far gone to comprehend them.

The entire time.

Shizuo knew the entire time.

Where was the disc with the video now? Were there copies? Why did Jiro give it to Shizuo? How did this play into the events so far? How did this play in with Jiro's threat against Shizuo? Was this all a trap all along? Were they playing right into his hands?!

So many questions he needed to ask but he couldn't figure out which to ask first.

"I got it from some guy Tom and I were collecting from. It sounds like that bastard must have paid him off to get him to pass it on to me. I don't think he had any idea what it was so I never went looking for him for answers." Shizuo began explaining as if he could read Izaya's mind. Giving him the relevant information he needed to hear without having to ask for it. "The DVD is gone, by the way. I sort of smashed it… Along with my couch… Which is why Kasuka bought me this new one…"

Izaya held his hand up, signaling for Shizuo to stop. He'd heard enough. "Did you ever stop to think that this entire thing could be a trap? That he wanted us to end up where we are now?"

"I did," Shizuo admitted, "But I figured it didn't matter because I'd fucking break him in half the first chance I get."

"That's all well and good but he could still be planning something. He's the only one who would have that recording to begin with and oh fuck I can't believe you watched that you fucking-" Izaya felt his composure breaking as memories of what exactly happened that particular day came flooding back to the front of his mind.

He was shaking, holding back from trying to punch Shizuo right in the face. The tiny part of his brain that was still logical knew it would hurt himself more than it would hurt Shizuo.

"I fucking hate you! How could you keep this from me for this long?! You're such an idiot this is the exact kind of thing you should have told me from the beginning I can't believe you could be so-"

Izaya couldn't finish his sentence. For a split second he was so blinded with rage he couldn't figure out what force had stopped his mouth from continuing to spew insults at the man in front of him.

The next second Izaya realized what was happening and reacted by quickly and violently pulling away from Shizuo's lips.

He stared incredulously at Shizuo for a moment, then reeled back and hit him as hard as he could with his uninjured hand.

Shizuo's head tilted slightly to the side from the impact, but he was largely unaffected. He turned his head back to lock his eyes with Izaya's.

Izaya was breathing hard, his heart racing as if he'd been running for hours. What had he been talking about? Was it really more important than addressing that Shizuo just kissed him?

"I'm sorry, Izaya," Shizuo said, taking advantage of Izaya's silence, "I really am. I just couldn't figure out how to tell you and I didn't want to hurt you by telling you. I figured whatever came of it… If it was a trap I could handle it as long as you didn't have to know."

"You just fucking kissed me," Izaya stated, ignoring Shizuo's explanation. He couldn't focus on that anymore.

Shizuo stiffened a bit as if he didn't know what he'd just done, his hand reaching to rub the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. "Y-yeah… I guess I did."

"Why?" Izaya pressed.

"I uhh…" Shizuo stammered, "I guess it was the only thing I could think of to get you to stop talking for a minute…"

"The only thing? Do you hear yourself right now? Do you just go around kissing people to get them to shut up?!"

"I fucking like you, okay?!" Shizuo blurted out, fists clenched at his sides.

Izaya closed his eyes. He was trying his best to avoid this exact situation but here they were. He had been powerless to prevent this.

Opening his eyes, Izaya lifted his gaze to meet Shizuo's once again. "I hate you," he said. Before he could think of another reason to stop himself, Izaya stepped forward, wrapped his arms around Shizuo's shoulders to pull him down and pressed his own lips against Shizuo's once again. This time, he let himself forget his inhibitions. He ignored the part of him that was screaming at him that this was a mistake. After all, how could it be when it felt this damn good?

Nearly ten years of repressed feelings pouring out in one moment left Izaya only wanting more. He clung tighter, his lips moving with Shizuo's in a way that sent shivers down his spine. Shizuo's lips parted slightly, allowing Izaya to take the lead and deepen the kiss.

When they finally broke apart again Izaya could feel the tears running down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them if he'd tried. He had never felt such raw emotions to this level. It was as if everything was coming out all at once. His fears, his love, his hatred for that love, his relief that the man in front of him might actually love him back and the anxiety that came with that realization…

"I hate you," Izaya repeated, "because I've wanted to do that for way too long."

"You... have?" Shizuo asked, looking rather confused at what just happened. "For how long?"

"Fucking years," Izaya breathlessly confessed, once again pulling Shizuo into another passionate kiss.

This time Shizuo seemed less surprised at the determination with which Izaya was kissed him, now running his hands up and down Izaya's back and neck with one hand, the other on the back of his head, fingers threading through his hair. Izaya shivered at the sensation. It had been so long since he'd had this type of physical contact with someone, but it had never felt like this. Tears continued to fall but he couldn't stop them. Forcing himself to break the kiss once again Izaya pressed his face into the crook of Shizuo's neck as he attempted to calm the emotional storm in his mind. He held back as much as he could but a few small sobs slipped through his defenses as he clung to Shizuo tighter than he'd ever held anyone before. Shizuo held him back, continuing to run his hands over the back of Izaya's neck and shoulders. The gesture helped considerably in calming him down once again.

Once he felt like he had his grip emotionally, Izaya finally let himself pull away, quickly turning around to wipe the tears from his eyes. He couldn't help but feel embarrassed that he had been so easily reduced to tears, but the past few minutes had been such an emotional rollercoaster he simply couldn't keep up.

"I… think we need to talk, huh?" Shizuo said quietly from behind him.

Izaya shook his head. "I c-can't, not now," he managed to say. He felt like running. Everything about having that kind of conversation with Shizuo terrified him and he just wanted to get away. Instead of running out the door Izaya darted for the bathroom instead, locking the door behind him while Shizuo called after him.

Izaya turned on the sink and began washing his face in the cool water. It seemed to help a little as it usually did, but it still didn't feel like enough.

He simply couldn't believe what had just happened. He could still taste Shizuo on his tongue and feel the warmth of his lips but he couldn't convince himself that what had just happened was real. He had to finally accept it when Shizuo started speaking to him through the door.

"Izaya?" He called, gently knocking on the door, "if… if you need time I can give it to you. We can wait until tomorrow to talk if that's better, but… I know you're probably really confused but I am a bit too but maybe let's just wait until tomorrow?"

Putting off this undoubtedly heavy conversation? That was appealing. Never talking about it again? That sounded better.

Yet…

It would only serve to make thing more strained and awkward between them. The only other solution would be to leave now and never speak to Shizuo again. That's what he had originally planned to do months ago after their last major fight that broke his arms. But he couldn't do that now. Not after knowing what it was like to kiss him. He was already feeling as if he was addicted and he didn't want to give that sensation up so soon.

After a few deep breaths Izaya felt calm enough to face him again. Opening the door, Izaya stood tall and met Shizuo's eyes.

"No, I think you're right," he sighed, "I don't want to talk, but we shouldn't wait."