Back again relatively quick this time. I can't say how much more of this I will get out in a reasonable amount of time. I just found out last week that I will be losing my job in two months... Nothing I did wrong but I work in a school and there were budget cuts and well... I was cut because my job isn't super essential... So once again it's back to searching for work... ugh.

But I have a few more chapters started, just not complete so I will do my best to post again soon!

…~-~...

"You said years?" Shizuo finally broke the awkward silence, starting their conversation off.

Until Shizuo spoke they had both been sitting across from each other in silence at the table, Izaya clutching a fresh cup of tea and looking smaller than ever.

"I did," Izaya replied.

"Care to um… elaborate on that?" Shizuo pressed, "I'm a little lost here."

Izaya sighed, setting his cup on the table but keeping his hands wrapped around it. He stared at the liquid inside with a look of intense concentration. "You should be. I think I did a pretty convincing job of not showing how I felt."

"But why? All the shitty things you've said and done to me over the years… you're telling me you liked me what whole time?"

"Most of that time," Izaya corrected, "I only messed with you because if given the choice you would have nothing to do with me. So I gave you a reason not to ignore me. You'd already decided you didn't like me so I… just sort of became someone you really wouldn't like."

"You got me fired from my bartending job. And I know we kind of addressed this already but you've tried to kill me multiple times."

"I was only serious about killing you the one time. Even then I knew it wasn't going to happen no matter how serious I was."

"And getting me fired?"

"I… don't particularly like that bar..." Izaya seemed to shrink even more, his stare growing dark.

"Why not?"

Izaya didn't respond.

"Izaya please talk to me."

"It was under new management when you got the job but… that's…" Izaya's voice was small, Shizuo had to lean forward to hear the rest. "That's where I met Jiro for the first time."

"Oh," Shizuo said quietly, "I… understand then…"

Izaya took a sip of his tea while Shizuo combed through his hair with his fingers, both avoiding eye contact.

"So," Shizuo began, trying to move the conversation back to the two of them, "when exactly did you realize you… liked me?"

"I don't remember. I was interested in you when we met but more in a test subject kind of way similar to Shinra. He'd mentioned you fairly often in middle school and I didn't believe you were as strong as he said until I met you. And then after that… the more we ran into each other… it was kind of gradual. By the time I finally realized what I was feeling it was far too late to change things between us," Izaya looked up. "Or so I thought until quite recently."

"Do you think we can salvage this?" Shizuo asked hopefully.

"I'm not sure," Izaya replied, "We are… pretty different from one another."

"Is that the only reason you can think of?"

Izaya looked up. "I would hurt you, Shizuo."

"How do you know that?"

"Because this right here is so unbelievably hard." Izaya stood from the table suddenly, gripping the edge of the table tightly. "We already had a conversation similar to this, remember? Where you basically figured me out and told me all about it? You already know I can't connect with people like this. I can't just freely share what I'm feeling or answer these kinds of questions without feeling like I want to run out that fucking door!" he pointed towards the front door as he spoke. "I'm a damn coward who can't have a normal conversation with someone without faking it. That's all I am good at is pretending I can talk to someone but the second I have to talk about myself and my actual feelings? I have no idea what to say! You shouldn't have to put up with that shit."

"You're doing a decent job now," Shizuo pointed out, "and if I remember correctly you ended up doing okay then too."

Izaya sat down, not saying another word.

"I know I was harsh that day but I was desperate to know more about what was going on… now you know what I know so I can say it and I'm sorry to bring it up like this but… I saw some of what he did to you and once it was over I realized it hurt to think about that happening to you. I felt like I wanted revenge for you and I wanted to help you because even if I didn't like you I don't think anyone deserves what you went through. I wanted to know more because I wanted to help you feel better. Before I knew it I found myself beginning to like you as I learned more about who you really are under all that 'pretending'. When you're being genuine, you're really not all that bad to be around."

Izaya remained quiet for a moment, taking another sip of his tea before speaking. "I suppose… I appreciate that. Everything you've done so far… You've gone above and beyond what I hired you to do and… it's helped pretty significantly."

"So can we just finally get the difficult part out of the way?" Shizuo began and Izaya looked up to meet his eyes. "I've fallen in love with you. That's how I feel and I'm pretty damn sure about it. Now tell me how you feel about that and don't hold back anything."

"I…" Izaya looked uneasy, but he didn't turn away. "I'm terrified, but I love you too."

Shizuo smiled. "Good enough. We can work on the 'terrified' part."

Izaya sheepishly returned the smile but Shizuo could tell he was still very uncomfortable. Shortly after the smile faded and Izaya shifted himself to sit more upright in his chair, a new look of concern on his face.

"What's wrong?"

"What you saw… I… exactly how much did you see?"

He deserves to know, Shizuo told himself.

"I didn't see anything beyond the whip thing but… what he said and based on the small details I've gotten from you I…" Shizuo met Izaya's eyes again. He was on edge, looking both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. It was a look he'd never seen especially on Izaya. He didn't want to say the word but he also wanted to make it clear what he knew with no questions asked.

"I know he raped you."

The hopefulness in Izaya's eyes left him. He dropped his gaze to the floor and his posture fell until he was slumped over the table, his forehead pressed against the surface. When he spoke his voice was slightly muffled. "You're always smart when I don't want you to be," he said, "I thought from the beginning you just seemed like you knew, but I thought I was just being irrational. I guess I wasn't."

"No, I'm sorry I put you through that."

"It's probably better this way…" Izaya continued, "If I'd known what you'd seen from the beginning I probably wouldn't have let you help me…"

Shizuo nodded even though Izaya couldn't see him. "Yeah, I didn't know how to bring it up so I just… didn't. I'm sorry."

"You can stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just too fucked up to have a proper conversation about all of this."

"You should know I don't blame you for not wanting to talk. I'm sorry for pushing you so much I just wanted you to be the one to bring it up because well… it's a sensitive subject."

Izaya didn't speak, his head still resting on the table. Shizuo wanted to say something to fill the silence but he also wanted to give Izaya time to take everything in.

He watched Izaya closely for a moment, unsure if Izaya as upset, angry, or just exhausted… or all three and more. He was very tense but at the same time very still. A shudder of Izaya's shoulders drew his attention. He could see Izaya start to shake ever so slightly as he tightly hugged his arms across his body. Finally a small sob escaped and Shizuo couldn't watch anymore. He rushed to Izaya's side and pulled him into a tight hug. Izaya didn't pull away but he didn't return the hug either. Instead he kept his arms tightly wrapped around himself, small sobs continuing to escape despite how hard he seemed to be trying to hold back.

"It's okay, Izaya," Shizuo whispered next to his ear, "it's just you and me and nothing will leave this room."

Another sob escaped, less restrained now, and Izaya reached out to wrap his arms around Shizuo's waist, hiding his face in Shizuo's shirt as he let out a few more small sounds. Shizuo ran his hands over Izaya's shoulders hoping to comfort him. He was shuddering with every breath now, refusing to show his face but Shizuo could feel the tears soaking into the fabric of his shirt.

"I love you, Izaya" he said quietly and even though Izaya began to cry harder he didn't think it was the wrong thing to say. He wanted Izaya to get his emotions out, and this was much healthier than punching a wall. "I love you," he repeated it again and again until Izaya began to settle down. He rubbed at the back of Izaya's neck, continuing as he felt the tension begin to leave.

After a few minutes Izaya slumped against Shizuo, clearly exhausted, his grip finally going slack.

"Fuck," Izaya mumbled when he finally pulled away. "I really am a mess… I promise I'm not normally like this…"

"Do you feel any better?" Shizuo asked hesitantly.

"No," Izaya said a little too quickly. "Maybe a bit," he added after wiping the remainder of the tears from his eyes. "But I certainly don't feel good about it."

"That's good enough," Shizuo said, "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"I think… I need a moment alone," Izaya responded, standing from his chair.

"Oh," Shizuo said feeling slightly disappointed.

"Just a few minutes to clear my head a bit," Izaya said walking towards the bedroom.

…~-~...

Izaya collapsed into the bed and pulled the covers tightly around himself. He should be embarrassed, turning into a sobbing mess like that right in front of Shizuo not once but twice in a day. But… he couldn't bring himself to feel anything after that. He felt completely numb. As if he'd used up all of the ability to feel anything in just half of the day. He'd almost wanted to keep crying but it all seemed to be drained out of him entirely. As if he couldn't cry again even if he wanted.

He stared at the wall and took a few deep breaths, but still he felt numb. He closed his eyes and recalled what kissing Shizuo had felt like yet he still couldn't feel anything. It felt as if he wasn't real. As if nothing around him was real either. And it was almost… nice. He had overloaded himself to a breaking point and yet he didn't feel broken, just… empty, tired…

Exhausted.

That exhaustion took him quickly and he was asleep before he could stop himself.

When he woke again it was to the now familiar feeling of a hand gently rubbing his neck and shoulders. He let out a small groan as he was pulled from a deep sleep back into reality.

Opening his eyes he found Shizuo staring down at him, smiling.

"Did you have a good nap?"

"I was," Izaya grumbled, pulling the covers over his head.

"Sorry for waking you but I was hoping we could get dinner before you sleep forever."

"What time is it?" Izaya said peeking out from the covers.

"It's 4:00," Shizuo replied, "I let you sleep for a bit since, well, you deserve some rest."

Memories of earlier came flooding back to the front of this thoughts. He could use a drink right about now.

Actually, that might not be a bad idea.

"Hey, I have a deal for you," Izaya began.

"A deal?" Shizuo repeated looking confused.

"Yes, a deal. Let's go to the store and I'll make us dinner tonight if you put those rusty bartending skills to work and get me drunk."

Shizuo laughed, reaching out to ruffle Izaya's hair. "Deal."