I'm sorry this took so long. I kind of hated this chapter for a while and I was editing it a lot and I am still not happy but I probably never will be so I decided to just post it. I hope I didn't miss any typos...
My life is still a mess so I will do my best to update sooner rather than later. I did manage to get a job for now but it's only part time so it's not ideal so I will still have to be looking for something else in the coming months.
Thank you so much to all of you who have stuck around despite my slow and inconsistent updates!
…~-~...
In hindsight they may have gone a bit overboard with the variety of alcohol they purchased. That is to say, the amount Izaya purchased.
Shizuo almost felt guilty letting Izaya spend so much money on high end alcohol as well as ingredients for dinner, but Izaya had insisted and clearly wasn't going to let Shizuo stop him.
Upon arriving back at the apartment, Izaya began preparing dinner while Shizuo set to pouring him a drink per his orders. Izaya took a sip and nodded in satisfaction before laying out the ingredients for dinner on the counter.
Shizuo hovered over Izaya's shoulder, taking orders here and there to hand him various ingredients and to peel and chop the potatoes. By the time he was done Izaya was already cooking the meat and starting to add the vegetables. Izaya took the potatoes from Shizuo and added them to the pot. Watching him from behind Izaya looked very focused on his cooking, every once in a while taking a sip of his drink.
While Izaya was distracted, Shizuo took a moment to study him. He still looked rather thin, but his posture was better. He was standing tall as he used to rather than the small, closed off vibe he'd been giving off over the past few weeks. He found himself smiling knowing that he had something to do with this improvement. Stepping forward, Shizuo wound his arms around Izaya's waist and pulled him close. Izaya paused for a moment but didn't resist. In fact, he almost seemed to lean into Shizuo a bit, but he may have been imagining it. Taking advantage of the situation, Shizuo leaned down to kiss the side of Izaya's neck and definitely wasn't imagining the way Izaya tilted his head to give him better access.
"You know," he said quietly, "that is really distracting."
"So?" Shizuo mumbled, burying his face into Izaya's neck.
"So… I'm trying to cook. Also there's a rather large knife within arms reach."
"Yeah but you won't use it," Shizuo replied with a smirk.
Izaya sighed, spinning himself around. "I never thought you would be so… handsy," he commented.
"Are you saying you want me to stop?" Shizuo asked, starting to pull away.
"No, I don't want you to stop. I just have to finish making dinner." Izaya spun back around as he spoke, quickly reaching for his drink before attending to the pot on the stove.
"That's fair," Shizuo shrugged. Taking Izaya's lead, Shizuo decided to make himself something to drink as well. Something sweet though, not as strong tasting as Izaya's.
When he finally had a simple vodka cranberry in hand, Izaya put the lid on the pot to let it sit for a while and downed the last of his drink. "I'll have one of those next", he said pointing at Shizuo's drink.
"I didn't think you'd go for something sweet," Shizuo commented, immediately getting to work.
"Something like that every once in a while isn't too bad," he replied, "But typically no, I don't like sugary drinks." Izaya peered around Shizuo's shoulder and pointed at the vodka. "Give me just a shot of that too while you're at it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well," Shizuo turned to look at him, "You're looking a little thin. I don't want you going too fast."
"We will be having dinner soon. I'll be fine."
Shizuo sighed, pouring an extra shot of vodka for Izaya who took it right away before taking the other drink and leaning against the counter. His own drink in hand, Shizuo positioned himself next to him.
"So," Shizuo began, "I was meaning to ask you earlier but I didn't really get the chance."
"Hm?" Izaya hummed, taking a large sip of his drink.
"What exactly… are we at this point?" Shizuo asked hesitantly.
"You mean are we dating?" Izaya asked in return.
Shizuo nodded.
"I don't know," Izaya set his drink down, his eyes downcast.
"Do you not want to be?"
"I just…" Izaya looked up, "I don't think I'm ready to officially call us a thing. It doesn't feel right to me. That doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. I know it doesn't make sense and I should just say yes but it's just that-"
"Izaya," Shizuo interrupted, "You don't have to explain yourself. We can give it some time."
"Do you want to date me?"
"I do," Shizuo said, "But only when you're ready. As long as you're still okay with me kissing you while you decide."
Izaya smiled, leaning up to give Shizuo a quick kiss. "Of course."
"Good," Shizuo said setting his drink down on the counter. Stepping in front of Izaya, he placed his hands on the counter on either side of him and pressed their foreheads together. "I really like kissing you."
"I like it too," Izaya whispered.
Shizuo tipped his head to connect his and Izaya's lips. He was addicted and it seemed like Izaya was too with the way he instantly responded. Slipping a hand behind Izaya's back, Shizuo deepened the kiss, testing Izaya's reaction. Izaya let Shizuo take the lead this time, parting his lips and letting out a small sound when Shizuo took advantage of the moment. His tongue twisted against Izaya's taking in the taste and he could feel Izaya shudder in response. Running his hand up to the back of Izaya's head and placing his other on his hip, Shizuo held him in place while he continued. Izaya let out a small moan encouraging Shizuo to continue. Their bodies were pressed together now, Izaya's arms tightly wrapped around Shizuo's waist.
When Shizuo finally pulled away Izaya was left panting. His eyes were dilated and there was a slight pink flush on his cheeks both from the kiss and from the alcohol starting to hit him.
The sound of the alarm on Izaya's phone going off startled them both, Izaya's eyes slightly widening as he quickly spun around to add the seasonings to the pot. After adding a splash of sake to the pot, Izaya took some for himself, downing it quickly.
"Hey," Shizuo said grabbing Izaya's hand before he could go back to his other drink, "Slow down. I don't want you getting sick."
"I'm fine," Izaya replied, putting the lid on the pot.
Taking Izaya's arm, Shizuo spun him so he could look at him again. "Are you really though? Why are you so determined to get yourself drunk tonight?"
"It's…" Izaya looked away, "kind of complicated."
"If I'm doing something you don't want I-"
"No!" Izaya interrupted. "No it's not like I'm so traumatized I can't handle being touched! In fact I'd like to right now state for the record since you know everything that I'm capable of telling you to stop if you were to go to far. So get that idea out of your head now. I don't need you to get my consent for every little thing you do to me." Izaya sighed. "I appreciate the thought, but I don't want you treating me like some fragile object that could fall off a cliff at any moment."
Shizuo nodded, waiting for Izaya to continue.
"I just can't stop thinking," he said, "I can't tune it out. Apparently I need some external force to change that."
It was strange seeing Izaya like this. He was struggling with himself in a way Shizuo never thought he could. Izaya always seemed to do or say whatever wanted when he wanted. He always seemed invincible, but that illusion was nearly chipped away entirely by this point. He was beginning to realize Izaya might even be more emotionally unstable than he was. He was overwhelmed and wanted to get drunk just so he could have a break from it all.
"Izaya, there's nothing you need to think about right now. Forget everything else, right now it's just you and me and you can say or do whatever you want. I won't go telling anyone if you do or share something personal with me. I just want you to do what will make you happy and if you think you need to get drunk to figure that out just this once that's fine but you should slow down. I'm pretty sure getting violently ill isn't on your list of what constitutes a good time." Shizuo paused. "Or maybe it is I mean you're a weird guy."
Izaya laughed, taking hold of Shizuo's hand. "You're a jerk," he said with a smile.
"You're a bigger one," Shizuo responded, pulling Izaya closer to hold him. A few seconds later Izaya started giggling.
"What?" Shizuo asked.
"You're warm."
"Yeah, and you're drunk already."
"Only a little."
"When will dinner be ready?"
"Twenty minutes."
"Do you think you can stop thinking for twenty minutes?"
"Only if you kiss me," Izaya snickered.
Shizuo shrugged. "Sounds like a deal," he said. In one quick motion Shizuo lifted Izaya and sat him on the counter which put him right at Shizuo's height. Trusting that Izaya would let him know if he was uncomfortable, Shizuo proceeded to lock his lips against Izaya's once again, his hands wandering up and down his body, feeling the way Izaya reacted. He tried his best to read Izaya's reactions to ensure he wouldn't do anything that would make Izaya want him to stop. He noticed Izaya seemed to give in just a little bit more whenever he ran his fingers through his hair or moved his hand up and down his thigh.
"Mmph, Shizu-chan," Izaya breathed, slightly pushing Shizuo away.
Shizuo took the hint, stepping back. "What's wrong?"
Izaya was panting as he spoke. "Fuck, nothing's wrong."
"Then why did you want me to stop?"
Izaya shifted uncomfortably on the counter and Shizuo finally noticed the bulge in his pants.
"I uhh… need a quick break," he smiled lightly, still out of breath.
Shizuo swallowed. He almost wanted to go further but it finally hit him he really has no idea what he was doing. He was still a virgin. He'd never seriously thought about having a sexual experience with another man.
Spinning around to take a sip of his own forgotten drink, Shizuo tried to force the thoughts out of his head. Even if Izaya wanted to do that with him… He was drunk and letting Izaya make that choice in his state wasn't right. If he and Izaya did ever… have sex… he would want Izaya to be sober and not wake up in the morning to regret it.
"Shizu-chan?"
Shizuo spun back around to see Izaya looking at him quizzically.
"Everything okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"You're a virgin, aren't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. Izaya grinned and let out a small laugh. "You were so worried about me and how I'd react that you forgot to think about how you'd react."
"I uh…" Shizuo could feel himself turning red.
"I didn't want you to stop for my sake," Izaya said, "that blush is cute though."
"Shut it, Flea," Shizuo said with little enthusiasm making Izaya laugh again.
"Listen, there's no shame in being a virgin," Izaya said, suddenly serious. "It really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things, so don't be embarrassed."
"I-I'm not-"
"Shizu-chan, really," Izaya interrupted, "I'm not trying to make fun of you for once. I have seen how women look at you. Hell, how I look at you. You've chosen not to be with anyone before because you're afraid of hurting them, am I correct in assuming?"
"Y-yeah…" Shizuo replied. There was no point in trying to deny it. Izaya was damn good at figuring out how people work-despite being slightly drunk.
"Like I said, I'll tell you if you're doing anything wrong. I know probably better than anyone what you're capable of and I'm not afraid so I hope you won't be either."
"Th-thanks," Shizuo mumbled.
"Also you're a fucking phenomenal kisser so maybe get back over here and kiss me again."
"You're fucking drunk."
"Not quite yet if I'm being honest, but I'm definitely getting there!"
"Hey, Izaya?"
"Yes?"
Shizuo swiftly pulled Izaya towards him, wrapping him in a hug. "Why couldn't you be like this towards me from the beginning?"
"Because I clearly have some issues I need to work through."
"Yeah, well, me too."
"Hey, Shizu-chan?"
"Hm?"
"Don't let go just yet. This feels nice."
Shizuo held him just a little tighter. If it made Izaya happy, he would never let go.
…~-~...
Izaya's eyes shot open as he gasped for air.
It all happened in an instant.
He saw a dark room.
He had just a moment ago been in a different dark room, the air humid and stale.
He attempted to take in his surroundings but the two different dark rooms meshed together into one in his head. He wasn't in his apartment, that was all he could discern.
He could still feel the large hands forcefully gripping his hips as he struggled while he took what he wanted.
He could feel a large hand on his hip now.
Was it him?
He tried to shift away from the grip only to feel it tighten in response to his movement.
Panic set in.
Someone was holding him down.
Escape.
He had to escape.
The only thing holding him down was the hand on his hip. No chains, no ropes.
He could break free.
The hand tried to grab him, tried to hold him down as he leapt out of the bed towards the only door he could see. He could hear someone calling his name behind him but he was hyper fixated on the door which would lead him where he wanted to go.
Freedom.
He was out of breath as if he'd been running for miles and for all he knew he could have been. All other thoughts and memories we're gone. He had to get away but he couldn't remember why…
Because it hurts.
The memories of pain forced their way into his head. He could feel the searing pain of his skin being torn, smell the burning of his own flesh. He had to escape from the pain.
He was through the door. There was another door a few meters ahead of him. Somehow he knew that was a way out. He stepped forward but was quickly stopped. An arm wrapped around his waist, lifting him off the ground.
He'd been caught.
He wanted to scream but he didn't have the air in his lungs. He could barely breathe as he was pulled backwards away from the door. Away from freedom. He would be punished for being caught trying to escape. The pain would be so much worse than he'd experienced already.
He didn't want more pain, his previous injuries felt so fresh.
"NO!" He managed to yell as he struggled.
He heard his name again. The voice was different. It wasn't Jiro's voice.
Then whose was it?
He could feel the weight of the iron collar around his neck. He reached up to attempt to tear it away, but all he could grab was air.
The collar was gone? But he could feel it so clearly around his neck, how was that possible?
It's been gone for years.
The hands grabbing him shifted to get a better grip. He struggled more but couldn't break free.
His wrist hurt.
When did that happen?
"Izaya!" Someone was definitely calling his name. The voice was so familiar…
"Izaya, please!" the voice begged, Shizuo begged.
Shizuo…?
The door… that was Shizuo's bedroom door. But why would he know that?
"Izaya, look at me!"
It was a trap, wasn't it? Or a dream? He shouldn't listen.
Izaya felt the hands physically turn his body around, away from his only chance of escape…
He was face to face with someone now. Shizuo. He was face to face with Shizuo.
How? He was just trapped with Jiro a few seconds ago…
No. He wasn't. He'd gone to sleep after a night of drinking. He and Shizuo had been drinking together after they confessed their love to one another…
So he was dreaming? No, that was real. Being trapped. That was the dream. The pain… that wasn't real. Only the pain in his wrist was real. He'd punched a wall a while ago…
Air flowed into his lungs as he gasped to catch his breath. None of that was real. It was a dream. He was safe. He was in Shizuo's bedroom and the only other person here was Shizuo himself.
"Sh-Shizu-chan…?" He asked breathlessly.
"Yes Izaya, it's me," he responded.
"Oh fuck…" he felt sick. A dizzying nausea that made him lose balance. "I think I'm gonna be sick…" he managed to mumble out loud as he clung to Shizuo's arm for balance.
Izaya's legs shook as Shizuo led him towards the bathroom. The vertigo peaked just as they made it in, Izaya practically falling as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.
Shizuo was trying to soothe him, gently running his fingers up and down his back as he continued to cough even after his stomach was empty. It didn't help with the nausea, but it did work to help him stay grounded in reality.
Resting his head in the crook of his elbow, Izaya allowed himself to enjoy the feeling as it steadily chased away the remnants of his flashback.
When he finally felt like himself again he wasn't sure how much time had passed. Taking his time, Izaya slowly raised himself to sit upright before daring to look over at Shizuo.
"I'm so sorry… I-"
"Please don't apologize," Shizuo interrupted, pulling Izaya close. "Are you okay now?"
"I was dreaming, I forgot where I was-"
"I know. It's okay. You scared me for a moment there. It just happened so fast, but it's okay."
"I feel like I've gone backwards. I haven't done something like that in years… Nightmares are one thing but…"
"You're stressed. It's been on your mind a lot lately. Don't worry about it, okay?"
Izaya nodded.
"You have me to protect you now. Just try to remember that."
"What time is it?"
"About 3 in the morning."
"Oh." Izaya paused. "I think I may have had too much to drink."
"I think so too," Shizuo agreed with a grin.
"I'm okay now. You should go back to bed."
"Not going without you."
"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep…"
"I'm not leaving you alone right now," Shizuo stated with a concerned expression.
"Fine," Izaya sighed. He didn't particularly want to be alone anyway. "Just let me clean up a bit and I'll go with you."
A few minutes later Izaya found himself tightly wrapped in Shizuo's arms. Shizuo sat partly upright, leaning against the wall and Izaya lay on his side between his legs, his head on Shizuo's chest. Izaya tried his best to occupy his thoughts with the sound of Shizuo's heart beating along with the rise and fall of his chest with every breath. It was calming, but Izaya still felt uneasy deep in the pit of his stomach.
"Sometimes it's too real…" Izaya mumbled. He almost didn't realize he'd spoken out loud until Shizuo responded.
"What, the nightmares?" He asked.
"Nightmares, flashbacks… all of it," Izaya replied. "Yet most of the time when I remember what happened it almost feels like there's gaps in my memory. Like it's not all there… And then I'll have a dream and all of those gaps get filled in with too much detail to the point where it's overwhelming. It's like I'm suddenly remembering new details but at the same time I never forgot them…"
"Does it help to distract yourself? Try to think about other things?"
"Sometimes, yes. But other times it feels like I'm just putting off dealing with it. Sometimes I feel like I should be forcing myself to remember. Like exposure therapy or something but with my own memories."
"Has that worked?"
"Some days it does, others it doesn't."
"What works the best, then? If I wasn't here how would you have gotten yourself to… snap out of it so to speak?"
"Probably would have taken me a bit longer, but… It would have been similar to tonight. Eventually I'd recognize my surroundings. It helps if I focus on one thing at a time or one sense at a time. For example I… was naked the entire time I was there. Once I realize I'm wearing clothes I can latch on to that feeling."
"Ah," Shizuo tensed a bit at the new information. "So would it be helpful for me to talk to you?"
Izaya nodded. "I've known your voice longer than I've known his. That's something I can use."
"I'm sorry I restrained you, by the way. I don't think that helped."
"I probably would have run right out into the street if you didn't, so I'll forgive you just this once," Izaya said, reaching up to playfully poke Shizuo on the forehead.
"I'm sorry for asking this but I want to know… were you like… hallucinating at all? Seeing things that weren't there?"
Izaya shook his head. "It's more like I have trouble recognizing things. It was still your apartment but I couldn't remember that it was your apartment, you know? I can… feel things though. Like the memory of a feeling becomes so strong that I can't tell it isn't real even if I can see nothing is there…"
"I think I understand."
"It's scary," Izaya whispered. "I feel like I don't have control of myself."
"I definitely understand that."
Izaya buried his face into Shizuo's chest. "I'd been getting better. I'd been focused on so many other things and I'd left that part of my past behind me. And then I heard his voice when he called me. I'd been putting off thinking about what to do when he inevitably got out of prison. I didn't even realize it would be happening this year."
"Don't beat yourself up over that. A lot has happened in the past year. What's done is done so let's just focus on what we need to do right now. And right now what I need you to do is rest. I'm here to protect you, so all you have to do is figure out how to find him and how you want to deal with him. I'll be here every step of the way."
"Thank you, Shizuo. That means a lot."
"Just try to relax for now, okay?" Shizuo said. His fingers threaded through Izaya's hair, making him shiver. Slowly, Shizuo ran his fingers down Izaya's neck and down his spine giving him goosebumps.
Izaya closed his eyes and focused intently on the feeling of fingertips tracing swirling shapes down his back, occasionally threading back into his hair. It had been far too long since he'd been touched like this. He practically melted into Shizuo as he continued, letting out a long breath along with the tension he'd been holding in his chest and shoulders. After a few minutes he could feel his mind starting to drift in and out of sleep. Somehow Shizuo had managed to calm his thoughts with such a simple gesture.
Izaya welcomed the peaceful sleep that finally took him moments later.