What's this? I updated this fic again? And it hasn't been another 2 years?! I am finally getting somewhere with this and I am so excited to be able to post the next chapter so soon! I am going to try to keep this up as I have the next few chapters almost finished already! Thank you again to everyone who have been with me for years and to those of you reading for the first time! You are all the best and I love reading all of your comments! (Also for those of you who may not be aware, I am also posting this to ao3 under the same username if you would prefer to read it there. If I do write anything else in the future it will be on ao3 exclusively but I will finish uploading this one here.)

…~-~...

Izaya sipped his coffee feeling the best he'd felt in months. He felt like he'd finally gotten a solid grip to climb up after he'd been slipping down for so long. A chance to set things in the right direction was close. He'd slipped information to Akabayashi meaning the Awakusu-kai would soon be taking notice of Jiro's operation setting up in Ikebukuro. If he was lucky, soon Shiki would be coming to him for information on Jiro which Izaya would happily give away once the time was right. He'd learned enough for now to know that some of Jiro's underlings had connections to a rival yakuza group but the question still remained if Jiro himself was also tied to them or if his operation was set up independently.

There were still gaps in his knowledge. He knew he should be trying to gather that information right now. There was one untapped source he'd been avoiding for personal reasons. Tsukumoya Shinichi was no doubt a valuable source of information and Izaya was fairly certain he could provide any information he'd been missing…

But Tsukumoya always found a way to get under his skin, pushing his buttons in just the right way to frustrate him. Izaya wasn't ready to attempt a conversation with him even if it was only through a chatroom. The last thing he needed was Tsukumoya taunting him and prying into why Izaya needed his help. He was always annoyingly perceptive about Izaya's emotions despite not seeing him in person.

He would have to figure out another source for information later. For now, Izaya opted to try and enjoy his morning. Armed with some good information he could use as well as Shizuo to guard him, he felt good. Despite the devastation Shizuo had previously dealt to his body, Izaya now felt safe with him around. Maybe it was because he knew first hand how much it sucked to be on the receiving end of the blond's fury. But now that strength was being used as Izaya's defense instead of his destruction.

The two of them now sat in a local coffee shop in Shinjuku, a tiny "hole-in-the-wall" type of place he used to frequent. Not only was there an interesting variety of people that visited the shop, but there was also a window seat that offered a great view of the street where he could sit and watch people if nobody inside was particularly interesting that day.

Shizuo sat opposite him by that very window today. It was the first time Izaya had ever been here with another person. For some reason though, it didn't feel wrong having Shizuo with him in this place where he usually spent time alone. He'd never even brought clients here before, preferring not to associate the place with work. Besides, the atmosphere was too close and it was possible to hear everyone's conversations in such a space so nothing was really private. Hence, why it was such a nice spot for observing people.

It was nice having Shizuo with him, Izaya noted. Even though Shizuo didn't share his hobby of observing human behavior and interactions he did still understand the basic concept of "people watching" which was the much more simplified and socially acceptable version of what Izaya did. Only partially aware of Shizuo's eyes on him, Izaya took a deep breath and smiled.

…~-~...

While Izaya's gaze was fixed on the people outside going about their morning, Shizuo's attention was solely on Izaya. He found himself staring at his lips as he sipped his coffee recalling how those lips felt to kiss… and how they felt when he…

Tearing his eyes away from his lips before he started blushing, Shizuo instead turned his focus to Izaya's eyes. They seemed to dart from person to person, as if he were reading each individual in the crowd simultaneously as they interacted with each other and went about their day as usual.

He seemed happy today. Of course fooling around that morning the way they had was a sure way to boost anyone's mood, but something about Izaya seemed more put together today. As if the shattered pieces were finally coming back together. Shizuo thought back to how Izaya looked when he first came to accept Izaya's request for help. The panic in his eyes and the way his body shook while aiming a gun at who he thought could be his attacker bursting through the door.

Now he looked much more like himself. He did still look too thin and his wrist was still wrapped from his injury, but over time his demeanor was becoming more and more relaxed and open compared to the closed in and hunched look he had had about him a few weeks ago.

Izaya had mentioned he liked this place. Shizuo had never been here before but he could easily see why Izaya liked it. The food was great and clearly Izaya enjoyed the view outside. It was strange to think of Izaya as he knew him before sitting alone in this place. He had always seen Izaya as constantly scheming and plotting something nefarious, but he was human too. Sometimes he just spent time doing relatively normal things–as normal as "human observation" could be at least. Izaya had explained how he really just enjoyed seeing how people reacted in different situations. Sometimes, he admitted, he intentionally put people in bad situations but he was also content with just watching people go about their regular lives. Shizuo didn't really understand it, but as long as Izaya wasn't doing anything shady it didn't seem harmful to let him indulge in his hobby.

Shizuo thought back to when he'd spent a couple nights at Izaya's place. Izaya had a lot of books on topics like ethics, psychology, and even some on different cultures' mythologies and theologies. There was no doubt Izaya was fairly complex under the surface. He'd said himself he had trouble shutting his brain off some days. He was always analyzing, taking in information, and sorting through it all in his head. It wasn't surprising that he felt the need to push things every once in a while to keep things interesting. He really was just too damn smart.

How could someone that smart fall in love with someone like me…? Shizuo thought. Izaya should be in love with someone as smart as he is. Someone he could have deeper conversations with or who could at least somewhat understand what he was talking about half the time.

"Something wrong, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked, snapping Shizuo out of his thoughts.

"N-no," he replied, his stutter not going unnoticed by Izaya who raised an eyebrow curiously and waited for him to continue. "I was just thinking… Why did you pick me? To love, I mean."

Izaya laughed, "It's not like I had a choice. I just realized one day that I did."

"No, I mean how can you love me? I'm not smart enough to have any kind of intelligent conversation with you or anything like that. What could you possibly like about me?"

"I don't need you to have those types of conversations with," Izaya replied, "In fact, I like that you aren't that type. I told you before, sometimes I need to turn my brain off. There isn't really anyone I have ever been able to do that with, but I can with you. I like that I don't have to think when I'm around you." Izaya paused for a moment and sighed, "I also like that especially lately when I'm with you I don't have to pretend I'm okay when I'm not."

"Why don't you let people see that side of you?"

Izaya considered the question for a moment. He seemed to struggle, as if even now he wasn't sure if he should be saying these things out loud. "There isn't really one answer to that," he said finally, "I guess the easiest answer is that I want to be able to observe people objectively. I want to be close enough to talk with them and hear what they have to say without getting personal. People act differently with strangers than they do with friends. I don't want people to say or do things differently when they're around me, so I treat them the same as I would anyone else regardless of their relationship with me."

Izaya paused again, looking Shizuo directly in the eyes. "The fact that I'm sharing this with you at all… you've somehow become an exception."

"But you want people to like you?"

Izaya shrugged. "I'm unfortunately still human too in the end," he said with a sigh, "My conscious mind wants to remain detached because I want to be an observer, but my basic human instinct craves contact like everyone else."

"You've denied yourself that contact for a long time, haven't you?"

Izaya nodded. "I have."

"Well, opening up to me is a start I guess. But you really shouldn't force yourself to be distant from your friends and family. You're not that bad when you're being genuine. I think people would like you if you let them."

"Thanks Shizu-chan, but I think that chance is long gone."

"Is it? You and I had arguably the worst relationship but here we are."

Izaya smiled. "You're not wrong."

"And what about your sisters?"

"What about them?"

"They've told me a few things here and there. It sounds like they want you to be closer to them, but you still push them away. I bet if you acted more like a brother to them they would like you back."

"They attract a lot of attention," Izaya said flippantly, "I don't need any more unwanted attention than I already have."

"Is that your excuse? According to them You've even told them you want them to treat you like family. Why can't that go both ways?"

Izaya stared at his coffee cup for a while in silence. Shizuo wondered if he struck a nerve but Izaya didn't seem particularly angry. He decided to push further.

"Have you even told them you're back?"

"We aren't like you and Kasuka," Izaya said flatly. "Besides, I don't want them involved in this whole thing with Jiro so it's probably better they don't know."

"So you do care about them?"

"I feel partially responsible for them turning out the way they did. They probably would have been better off if it wasn't for my influence on them when they were young."

He does care about them. He just doesn't want anyone to know. Shizuo realized. While Izaya seemed to avoid saying it directly, he did care at least a little bit about the twins' well-being. He wanted to continue to press Izaya for more, but it was probably better if he didn't. Izaya clearly wasn't ready to discuss the topic any further than he had already pushed him and Shizuo didn't want to make him grow defensive and close off.

"We should probably head back soon," Shizuo said, pulling Izaya's attention away from his now empty cup. "We can pick up some groceries on the way back too."

Izaya nodded in agreement, looking slightly dejected.

…~-~...

Shizuo had been thinking a lot about their conversation at the cafe that morning. The puzzle pieces were all fitting together to form a much clearer image of who exactly Orihara Izaya really was. On the surface was the cold, cocky asshole he'd hated the moment he first laid eyes on him. The type that never got his hands dirty and used other people up until there was nothing left. Someone who was incapable of forming normal relationships with others without secretly plotting their demise.

But that was only the surface. That's how Izaya wanted people to see him. Beneath that was different. Beneath that was a man who craved meaningful connections but refused to allow himself to experience them. A man who never learned how to process or show those feelings and instead shoved them aside while longing to be rid of them. A man who had been in love for years but forced that love to twist into hatred so the rejection wouldn't hurt him anymore.

Did anyone else realize this? Did Shinra know? He was, after all, the only real "friend" Izaya had.

"[Hey, can I talk to you about something weird?]" Shizuo hit send on the text message.

The response from Celty came inhumanly fast. "[Of course, is everything okay? Izaya isn't causing you trouble is he?]"

Shizuo glanced at Izaya who sat on the opposite end of the couch, engrossed in a book.

"[Well, no, but it is about Izaya.]" He paused, not sure how to phrase the question. "[I'm not sure if you knew but he's been staying with me since he hurt his wrist. We've been talking a lot and I was just wondering… what would you think if I said I was starting to like him?]"

"[Do you?]"

Shizuo paused, unsure if he should tell the truth. He wasn't sure how Izaya would feel about revealing that information. He trusted Celty not to talk–no joke intended–but he wasn't so sure about what Shinra might do with that information.

Glancing up at Izaya he took a moment to consider how he felt. He decided to go with his gut instinct.

"[I do. And it's mutual. But I don't think Izaya would approve of me saying that to anyone just yet, so keep it secret for now, okay?]"

"[Of course but… are you sure he's not just messing with you?]"

"[I'm sure. Again, he won't approve of me telling you this but he was kind of crying when he told me. That's not something he'd do just to mess around.]"

"[... No, I don't think so either. I can't even picture him crying.]

"[It was a bit scary to see to be honest. But yeah, he's been really torn up about it for a long time now. Shinra was right about him putting up a wall between himself and others. Izaya even told me something similar himself this morning. He's starting to open up to me more and more.]"

"[If you really are able to get to him you'd probably be a good influence on him. He told me once that he knew people didn't like him because of the things he does. I asked him if he could change for the better. All he said was 'If I felt like it.' Maybe you can be the push he needs.]"

"[Really? He said that?]"

"[He did. Just be careful, Shizuo. I don't want you to end up hurt if he changes his mind.]"

Shizuo glanced up at Izaya again, this time Izaya noticed and caught his gaze. He flashed a smile–one of those genuine smiles that made Shizuo wonder where this version of Izaya had been all his life–before returning back to his book, settling into a more comfortable position.

"[Thank you for being concerned, I'll be fine.]"