A/N: unbetaed. Also I don't own D. Gray Man.

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A Hand To Hold Ch. 17

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After Lavi saw him basically drooling over Kanda, Allen had made sure to keep a distance from the older male. If it'd been so easy for Lavi to figure out he'd been thirsting over Kanda, he couldn't imagine how easy it would be for Kanda himself to figure it out. The most confusing part was trying to figure out if he actually liked his boss in that way or if his perpetual flustered state was due to the dirty dreams he kept having about him. Either way Allen was at a complete loss of what to do. Did he like Kanda or was he just horny?

'God even thinking about this is so embarassing.' Allen thought to himself as he finished getting ready for bed having put Lena to bed a few hours ago. 'Okay Allen, you're a a grown adult you should know the difference! Hell you were even married!'

But truth be told asides from being married to Lena's mom Allen had zero previous experience. When he'd met Lena's mom he'd known it was love at first sight. Her laugh, her smile, the way she moved, everything about her took his breath away. Everytime she walked in a room he felt as though she brought the sun in with her too since she seemed to light up any room she walked into. When he was with her he felt as though he could truly be himself, she was his safe place, his home.

He didn't feel those things with Kanda though. But then again it didn't feel right to compare how he felt about Kanda with his

dead wife.

But...he couldn't deny that he felt some type of way everytime Kanda looked at him or even smirked his way. He felt...like he'd won a prize if he told himself honestly. Kanda has a reputation for being a stoic man but seeing him laugh or smirk made Allen feel...special. Special, because he knew he was one of a handful of people to see a different side of the stoic man.

'Is this...friendship?' Allen thought to himself as he looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Maybe he just liked the fact that he could now call himself a friend of the older raven haired male. He hadn't really had any friends before but maybe all these emotions he felt about Kanda were just the regular feelings that accompanied friendship?

'Yes, because every friend dreams about their friends fucking them.' Another voice inside Allen's head said sarcastically. Allen blushed bright red. 'Maybe I'm just horny...yeah that's definitely it...'

Since his wife had died three years ago Allen had had zero interest in anything involving sex. Hell not only that but he felt like he'd never had any time either way between having to work, doing daily chores and taking care of Lena he hadn't had much time for himself. 'Maybe if I just...' Allen felt himself blush once more and started working on taking off his pajama pants. "I'll do it just this once! Maybe then I'll finally stop having these dreams..."

Allen took a deep breath and shimmied out of his underwear as well, letting the cool night air hit his skin. He felt nervous but also a little excited, after all it had been a while. He walked into the adjacent bathroom and grabbed a nonscented bottle of lotion. It wasn't quite lube but it would do. He then made his way bad to bed and hiked up his pajama top until his penis was fully exposed.

He started off by squirting some of the lotion into his right hand and softly rubbing the tip of his penis with it. After this he let his hand slowly form a rhythm and start rubbing up and down his shaft. Slowly but surely he felt a warmth start building up in his stomach but it didn't quite feel like enough.

He continued to pump himself with one hand until he started to feel too hot for his pajama top. He stopped for a second to take off his shirt before continuing. When the cool bedroom air hit his chest he felt a brief tingle run down his spine. As he continued to pump with one hand he let the other wander up to his chest. He took his right nipple into his hand and squeezed, and in that moment he felt himself let out a moan.

"Ahh!" He continued doing this for a while until he felt himself almost cum. But he didn't. He continued to play with his nipples and stroke himself to no avail.. this lasted for a few mins until frustrated and tired, Allen flopped down onto the bed unsatisfied.

'I'm so close but I can't. God this is the worst' He thought to himself. 'How am I supposed to figure this out if I can't even cum. It's not like those dreams wher-' And it was at this moment when Allen started remembering the dreams that'd been plaguing him for the past few weeks. Allen felt his face heat up as he figured out another way to get off.

He sat up on his knees and once again started to thrust into his hand. However this time he let his other slicked hand slide down his back and into his crevice. He'd never touched himself back there but the new sensation wasn't unwelcome. He let his hand slowly make its way down his crevice until it reached his warmth. With a tentative finger he lightly touched his quivering hole. He gasped and felt himself attempt to push back.

Once again he felt himself reach back to touch himself but this time with the sole intention of inserting a finger. He was able to insert one finger with little difficulty and then tried to flex and feel around inside himself. Once he felt comfortable he inserted a second finger, he laxly moved his fingers in scissoring motions until the initial discomfort wanned. He then started to slowly move the fingers in and out of himself...it felt weird but also nice? He tried thrusting his fingers in deeper and it was during one of these thrusts that he found the bundle of nerves that made him let out a sharp moan.

'"Oh god" He thrust back into his fingers once again trying to hit that same spot. As he continued to rock onto his fingers he felt himself trying to match the pump of his fingers with the thrust of his hips.

He wished that he had longer fingers to thrust back into, because he felt himself start to lose all inhibition.

"Please" He heard himself plead. He knew what he needed to take himself over the edge but he also knew that doing so would lead him down a road where there'd be no going back. He'd been trying for so long to get off now that he didn't care anymore.

He closed his eyes and imagined that the fingers pushing inside himself belonged to Kanda. He let the dialogue from his previous wet dreams supplement for what he'd imagine Kanda would say.

'Look at you taking two of my fingers...I never imagined you'd do such a good job of not only working under me but also being under me'

Allen gasped as he started to feel a warmth pool in his stomach.

'I know you can take more why don't we see what three fingers can do?' Imaginary Kanda whispered into Allen as he added a third finger inside him.

Allen moaned as a third finger was added and started rocking back harder as he started to hear the bed creak from his movement.

'Look at you' Imaginary Kanda said. 'Taking my fingers like you were made to. Like you're supposed to'

It was those words that pushed Allen over the edge and had him cumming. "Kanda" Allen briefly moaned as he felt himself start to come down from his climax. When he finally got his bearings together after climaxing Allen knew the answer to his question. 'Fuck'

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"Hey Lavi, can we talk?" Allen asked over the phone. After giving it a few days thought he figured that Lavi was probably his one and only friend he could talk about Kanda with.

"Yeah sure buddy what's up?"

"I...I think you were right."

Lavi chuckled through the phone. "I'm usually right about a lot of things but you're going to have to be more specific here."

"I...I think I...need to go out and maybesortadatepeople"

"Oh ho! What brought this on? Was it my pickup line?" Lavi asked in a teasing tone.

"No, and if you ever use another one like that last one I'll make sure you never get to say another pick up line in this lifetime"

"...you know maybe you've been spending a little too much time with yuu..." Allen heard Lavi mumble. "But anyways...what do you wanna know about the dating scene?"

" I...well I don't know I guess I was wondering if you'd help me get out there? I'm not used to going out and I kind of want a friend to be there as like a wingman."

"Allen! Buddy with my help I guarantee you'll get a man, woman or hell even both. You down to go out Friday 9pm?"

"Oh God, maybe this is a bad idea..."

"Too late! No take backs! We're going out Friday see you then!" With that Lavi ended the call leaving Allen to worry about whether or not he'd made a mistake.

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Friday came around quickly, too quickly if you asked Allen. Throughout the week he'd done little things to prepare for his night out such as buying a new outfit, getting a haircut, etc. As well as talked with Mr. Kanda about finding a babysitter for Lenalee since they'd both be out of the house. Allen would be going out with Lavi while Mr. Kanda would be visiting his family and celebrating his brother's birthday.

He'd originally thought of inviting the older male but then later on fought against the idea after all said man was the main reason he was going out tonight and on a side note he was his boss. It'd do him well to meet new people, if only to see if it would help keep the xxx dreams away.

"You ready to go?" Lavi asked as he came out of the bathroom and took one look in the mirror on the wall and fixed the sleeves on his low cut black transparent shirt that he'd paired with ripped skinny jeans.

"Yeah I think so..." Allen said as he readjusted the buttons on his maroon button down shirt that he'd paired with black form fitting slacks.

"Hmm... not quite." Lavi said as he turned around and gave Allen an appraising look. "Let me help you with that" He then proceeded to unbutton the top three buttons of Allen's shirt.

"Hey! Stop that!" Allen said as he tried to button his shirt back up

"Aww cmon Allen show some skin we're going to the club not a semi formal business dinner." Lavi said as he pouted.

"I...hmm well..."

"C'mon! Also, pull up those sleeves!" Lavi said as he reached over to roll Allen's sleeves back.

"No!...I can't the sleeves have to stay down.."

"If it's about your arm, it's not as bad as you think it is." Lavi said as he pointed down to Allen's left hand that was covered with a glove. "I saw it when you were sick and it's obviously scarred but it's kind of cool. Specially the cross shaped mark on your hand I think it gives you a little bit of an edge."

"No one's ever said anything good about it besides most people are grossed out by it."

"Well fuck them, you don't need those people in your life! Besides maybe it'll help you weed out the people you don't want to date? I mean if they can't see past the superficial they don't deserve to get to know you."

"Okay...but I'm taking the glove just in case!"

"Shhh! You know I'm right besides I got you something that'll go with the outfit." Lavi said as he pulled out a thin gold chain with a medallion on it.

"I don't think I can wear that Lavi it looks too expensive" Allen said as he stepped back.

"No come on trust me it's a statement piece it'll definitely get all the guys and gals running your way. I mean who doesn't like a man with jewelry?" Lavi said as he wiggled his eyebrows and pointed to his pierced ears and watch.

Allen sighed. "Fine I'm trusting you on this but it's only because I've been out of the dating scene for years now."

"Trust me, with this on I'll have to beat people off you with a stick"

Allen laughed. "Uh huh. Sure you will."

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When they got to the club it was already packed. The music was loud to the point Allen could feel the vibrations from the speakers in his bones. Although the music was good and everyone else seemed like they were having a good time Allen suddenly became nervous. 'Oh god what was he doing here'

"Nope! I see that look in your eyes." Lavi said as he pulled Allen towards him and dragged him to the bar. "C'mon what you need is a drink"

"Two shots of tequila!" Lavi yelled as he made his way to the bartender.

"Tequila? Don't you think that's starting off a little too strong?"

"When was the last time you went out? C'mon you gotta let go a little!" Lavi said as he handed over one of the shots.

"If I get wasted tonight you better keep me from making any bad decisions" Allen said as he grabbed the shot.

Lavi laughed. "Likewise"

Taking the first shot really was all Allen needed to let loose. Soon after he felt himself become more relaxed and even willingly went out to the dance floor with Lavi. He'd bumped into a couple of people who'd shown some interest in him but after doing a double take most politely excused themselves. Luckily, Lavi was a good friend and everytime he saw this type of interaction he'd buy another round of drinks or drag Allen back to the dance floor.

Pretty soon after, the drinks started hitting and Allen start to dance against the throng of people around him. He couldn't make out where Lavi was at but he figured he'd be nearby so in the meantime why not have fun?

Meanwhile, Lavi was at the edge of the dance floor drunkenly texting Yuu.

'Yuuuuuu!'

'What?'

'Come out to the club with us!'

'No'

'Aww c'mon! I got Allen to let his freak flag fly and now I'm having to beat people off with a stick'

'...'

'1 image attached'

Kanda opened the image and he felt his face grow warm. Attached was an image of Allen laughing with his shirt almost fully unbuttoned and the tightest pair of slacks Kanda had seen.

'Like what you see?'

Kanda didn't respond after all what could he text back that wouldn't reveal the fact that he had in fact liked what he'd seen. Luckily he didn't have to because Lavi sent another message shortly after.

'Gotta go, Allen's grinding up on someone and its not me.'

Maybe it's because his brother's birthday party was already over and he was just about to leave or maybe it's because he was curious about what Allen looked like when he let go, whatever the reason Kanda pulled out of his father's driveway and texted Lavi.

"What's the name of the club again?"

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A/N: it's been a decade and this story isn't over. I'm so sorry T.T . For those of you still here thank you for loving this story. I hope one day I can give it the ending it deserves.

also I was a tiny teen when I started this lol who gave me permission to even write? younger me was wilding.