It took a week for my ankle to feel improved enough to continue my new routine again. Like I had predicted visitor counts went down but not as bad as we all feared. Also Lucas visited every other day after I didn't show up to church that Sunday. He flirted and I let him but we never kissed again. I gave up asking myself what he waited for and started to be glad he didn't make a move. Patrick had started and continued to embarrass me with the small talk he tried to have over the course of the week and we never talked about what I'd done. Everything was as though nothing had ever happened. In a way it was calming and in a way sitting on my elephant in the middle of a crowd again made me feel eerie, like a living déjà-vu. May did a roll while I tried to stay on top of her and I focused everything I had on willing my ankle to support itself. One pose later I was balancing myself on one hand on top of her back. I jumped off, did a flip and landed and I crashed to the ground. For a second it felt like my foot sunk into the sand of the ring and that's what made me stumble but then the pain hit. Everything was blurry. I only noticed that people had clapped until they stopped and commotion rushed through the crowd. Suddenly I was scared of being trampled to death. Unreasonable. The pain clouded my mind. I cried. Maybe I screamed; I couldn't tell. Something screamed at me. I tried to cover my leg, as well as I tried to reach for May so she wouldn't freak out. I reached into thin air. Panicked I looked up and saw blurry people hurry over the circus ring, dragging May away. I reached again and found someone's hand. It grasped mine tight. Little needles pricked my skin. I let my forehead hit the sand when something moved my leg. Dizziness. Voices yelled at each other, muffled by a scream.
They couldn't take May away.
"Leave her with me!", I cried and looked out for her with out of focus eyes.
"May is safe. Everything will be okay." Warm words were whispered into my ear. I barely understood them.
"We will carry you out." Another much more anxious voice called to me. Hands lifted me and I screamed. They should just leave me here. Leave me to the pain. They only made it worse. I waved at them. Not really with the intention of hitting them but like you would fan away flies.
"Look at me."
I looked and golden locks fell into view. Quick hands taking off my headpiece. Gentle fingers wiping sand off of my cheeks.
"Annie, listen to me. I will carry you now. We need to get you to the hospital."
"Please don't." Tears sticking new grains of sand to my skin. I didn't want to be left behind. Mariah couldn't be right for once. Not with me. Please not.
"Annie, it will be okay. I promise." Strong arms lifted me and I hissed into a rough shirt. My eyes closed. The smell... almost like when he came into our bedroom and told me he didn't want me.
The outside was cold. I thought I forgot what cold felt like over the months and months of burning summer but this was it. Freezing and shaking. Cold. His chest heaved. I grabbed his shirt when he tripped a little. I didn't let go again. Everything was coldness, just he was warmth and I tried to crawl into him, slowly disappearing. My mind spinning into nothingness.
"You need to let go just for a moment." Whispers. I was left and then another warmth held my head while I was laid down. Voices talked. Hands on me changed and I could smell him being near me again. My head lay on his lab, his arm surrounding me.
"I'm back. I have you.", he breathed. I looked up at him, seeing clearer. He ordered the driver of the car to start and looked out of the window while always stroking my forehead. From down here he looked impossibly worried. But that can't be because he was never worried. At least he didn't show it like that.
I whizzed of pain when the car was startled to life. Too much movement. Too fast.
"I'm here. Don't worry." Patrick's voice was the only noise that got through to me. There was no sound of the car or the radio. No wind banging against the glass. No melody of freshly starting rain. I knew he looked at me even if my eyes were watery and blurred again. I felt him.
"Annie, you need to keep your eyes open, okay?" I didn't even know my eyes were closed until he said it. "You hit your head a little." His voice was muffled. I tried to nod but I wasn't sure if I moved my head or not. First I tried to look at him, at the smile he gave me that was so reassuringly soft. But my lids were heavy so I figured the window would be a good place to stare at, too. I didn't see anything at all apart from the lilac grey sky and the raindrops on the glass that I didn't hear. Everything was silent. The world stood still. Not even Patrick breathed. I didn't breath. I just hovered in nothingness and dark skies and purple rain.