With a bundle of half burnt thyme Mariah had sent me home. She had inculcated me to be careful and stay on the immediate way to my family's trailer. I admired her for her passion of saving people. But I also found it to be utterly useless in this case. If Lucas really tried to get after me, he could do so even if I did stay on the track. It was a ten minute walk from where Mariah's food truck was to where the performer trailers parked. And most of it didn't lead directly through the fairground but more on the edges of the forest. We made it a habit to distance ourselves from the openly accessible parts of the fairground. No one wants a drunk rummaging around in the midst of not so safely locked trailers. I was told it had happened more than once, before we collectively decided to keep our distance.
As the fair lights slowly left me and the mud grew some more prominent spots of wet grass, I clung tight on to the thyme. When I had left Mariah, the little leaves had still smoldered and given away a burning herbal sent but by now they had given up and all I could smell was earthy wetness. If Lucas really wanted to get after me, he could do so any time. It didn't even have to be night. Although it would possibly help. But on most of the day, the fairground was largely empty and there were many corners for someone to hide. It wouldn't even be noticed that a new face suddenly turned up before opening hours. Young men often decided to make a run for it with the carnival. This life somehow seemed glamorous enough from the outside for people to contemplate leaving everything behind and join us. They didn't know what they got themselves into. Although I could understand the thrill behind it. It was probably the same feeling that I'd had as a kid when I had watched my parents perform. It was a little bit of magic and a whole lot of adventures but most of all it seemed like it made you be something special. Special beyond what the outsiders could achieve. It was something close to sacred to be able to be admired for your performance by total strangers who romanticize every way of your living. Specialness that comes with a price that you can't fathom before you get into it. Strangers would probably still be willing to pay just to taste it.
A part of the price was that outsiders didn't care for you except for how you perform and how much the popcorn cost. There's the good part of the police not interfering with carny folk problems. But then there's the bad part of not being able to defend yourself from outsiders because the police didn't interfere with carny folk problems. Two sides of a coin. There can't be simply a good part on its own. There's always the price.
I kept telling myself that a good part was that there's always someone around on the fairground. Never truly being alone had always seemed annoying but now it was life saving. I turned around. There was always someone there. The lights from the fair blinded me for the surroundings. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't see anything other than the lights of the carnival and big dark nothingness around it.
There's no one.
No one is here.
I kept telling myself because it was less scary than not seeing something that is in the dark. Quickly I turned around again and picked up a faster pace.
My ears were buzzing from all the silence so close around me, trying to blank out the carnival noise that was only a faint white noise in the distance. Trying to listen out for anything that would give another person away. There was no other sound but my loudly slurping steps in the mud.
Suddenly the trailers were all around me and I found myself standing on our porch. I must have ran here without realizing. The thyme had lost some of its leaves in my palm and my dress was splattered with brown that had dissolved into the wet white fabric like watercolor. For the second time today, I hurried inside and threw the door shut behind me. Before anything else, I grabbed a kitchen towel to dry the mud from my feet. It was the nearest possible thing to grab to save me from having to mop the whole trailer before my parents came home. I cleaned the spots on the floor and instantly fled into the shower as long as I was still alone. A warm shower always helped me calm down. And just for safety reasons, I left the thyme on the tiny sink next to me.
It wasn't a very long shower because water was scarce when living on the road. Every two days or so someone with a car has to go fill the tank.
Some day I will shower for a full half an hour.
When I stepped outside the small bath niche again, I grabbed a new pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt. Not long after I had gotten dressed and made myself comfortable in the corner booth right next to the kitchen, the door opened and Danny entered. He didn't notice me in the dark and tried to sneak to the right end of the truck where our bunk beds were.
"It's not that late.", I said while turning the bundle of herbs between my fingers.
He flinched and turned around slowly. "Hi Annie."
"What are you up to?" I didn't really want to interrogate him but since he got in trouble, I was more concerned with his shenanigans.
"Nothing." His answer came way too fast to be true. I looked at him.
His shoulders slumped and stepped a bit closer. "Fine. I wanted to get a bottle of wine."
"What do you need wine for?" I let the thyme rest in the middle of the table between my hands.
"I met some guys from the town and they invited me if I got us something to drink.", he admitted and I hoped he would notice himself, that his new acquaintances were no good for sure. He didn't. Rather he looked at me annoyed.
"You're 13."
"I'm old enough." He didn't notice how dumb he sounded. Seems to be teenage hearing loss, so I threw him a judging look that hopefully got to him through the dim light of the moon that was provided by the window. "The others are allowed to!" He tried his best to get me on his side.
I sighed. "Have you tried booze before?" I let the thyme spin on the table.
"No." He seemed defeated.
"Then don't do it with strangers."
"Did you drink before?" He sat down with me and looked at the spinning herbs.
"I'm older.", I answered to hide the fact that Patrick and I had stolen my first booze from his passed out father back when we were thirteen. It hadn't been wine.
But we were also too scared to drink more than a sip each, for fear of Alex noticing what we had done. It was one of the last moments that I had had with Patrick before he had disappeared.
"That's not an answer."
"Yes it is!", I smiled. I hoped god would forgive me, but I didn't tell him the truth. "It was summer last year somewhere in Arkansas. And it was a mistake. Outsiders are devious sometimes. You are better off not to trust them."
"Still you're hanging with Churchboy."
I frowned and stopped the thyme from spinning. "I didn't say I'm flawless. That was a mistake, too."
"Did something happen?" Suddenly Danny was the shy little boy from a few years ago again.
"He just got a little angry when I called it quits. But I'm safe since Mariah gifted me with her kitchen herbs." It was a try on a joke to make it less terrifying. But Danny saw through all of that.
"Since when do you believe in Mariah's magick?" He took the thyme from me and inspected it.
What I wanted to say was:
Since it was too scary alone in the dark.
Since Churchboy threatened to hunt me down.
Since this life didn't seem so safe any more.
But what I ended up saying was only: "I don't."
Danny didn't see through that.
His face lit up again and he laughed before he had even said something. "Well, at least Patrick will be happy about the news."
I grinned. "You think?" Inside I was still shaking. I purposely didn't look outside when I hurt rumbling at the door.
My parents entered and suddenly the small space seemed claustrophobic.
"Hello, Sweat peas.", ma greeted us and kissed me on the forehead. An age-old nickname she had given us back when we couldn't even walk and she didn't bother stopping the tradition now. Dad murmured something and turned straight to the freezer.
Danny and I didn't bother picking up our conversation again while our parents were around.
When my ma came out of their sleeping niche behind me, she had discarded her fancy performance dress and had traded it for sweats. She joined us, crowding the corner booth even more, while dad presented us with some leftovers. Aftershow snacks was an upheld tradition in this trailer.
"We want you to attend the next supervision meeting with us. We have to discuss our next steps."
Dad's words just floated in the room. It was such a sudden change of mood that I didn't know what to say or if it was even directed towards me.
"Honey, we wanted to discuss this in private first.", ma said with her voice that wasn't really angry but you always knew that something was wrong.
"There's nothing to say. We can't pull this off on our own and the others deserve to know how we are going to manage this."
Danny and I stared at each other.
"What is this about?" I forced myself to find enough voice in my vocal cords for it to sound not so close to crying. I only left Danny's eyes when my ma started to speak.
"We need to make plans because of your injury. You will need a longer pause."
Dad cut her off. "If you ever can perform again." His sneering clenched my heart.
"It's just a matter of time. We want you to rest. But we also need to think about who will take over main attraction and who will care for May. "
"I will not give up May!" I almost screamed. Or my elevated voice seemed louder in this confined space. Either way, I couldn't think straight. They want to make plans to get rid of me. I can't step aside for someone else to take over my role. I need this. This is my residence allowance. If I don't have my act, I have nothing to keep me here. In a year I'll be 18 and my parents won't be able to drag me along simply because I'm family any more.
"The elephant is the main attraction. We need someone to take care of that part of the show while you can't." Dad shoved Danny to the side to take a seat.
"But she's mine. No one can work with her like I can." I got so angry that I was close to tears.
Ma placed a warm hand on my upper leg and tried to take a gentler approach. She had always been the gentle one in their marriage.
"Sweetheart, no one tries to take anything away from you. It's just an emergency plan to help you."
There was a knock on the door when I was about to burst into tears, thyme crushed in my hands.
Dad got up, disgruntled by the turn this evening took and the lack of peace at the midnight snack table. He walked over and opened the door. His face turned even more grim when the moonlight touched it.
There was no emotion in his voice. "What are you doing here?"