I spent the beginning of opening hours this evening on the stool near the door in Mariah's food truck. We talked a little but mostly it was quiet and I watched her make the famous secret sauce that she praised a lot but no on else really talked about. I was glad that there were none of the townboys anywhere in sight. They must all be at the party that I was so graciously invited to.

After a few hours of no churchboy appearance, I deemed it safe enough for me to stroll about on my own. Of course only after the show had released all of the audience into the entangled trails between the many populated booths. I was not stupid. Only a little careless. I didn't intend on spending all the days left in this town locked in my trailer, since I only just escaped the prison that was hospital.

When the trails slowly became more crowded with visitors, I took off after explicitly describing to Mariah where I would go and when I would be back.

The blinking lights were especially soft today. Even the warmth from the sun sustained after sunset and the mud had dried off sufficiently enough for me to wear shoes again. Although I figured today would have been a good day to walk barefoot through freshly washed grass. To celebrate the last days of summer that were undoubtedly progressing before we retired for this year in late October. I couldn't wait for October. Living in our winter quarters, in real houses for three to four months. Until we would prepare for the next round of travel. Who knew how many winter months I would still spend there after this year? I would turn eighteen next summer and it was time to decide if I will be on the run with my people or if I will leave this life. After all, money must be saved for a trailer and whatever else I would need or for train tickets away from this trailer park. I had never taken the train like normal people do. I had never had a real seat in a train compartment. But I had sat on a pile of trunks and suitcases surrounded by stranger's luggage or in a pile of straw near May when she was still nervous about train traveling. May… She would probably be the reason for me to stay. If the option to leave ever came up. I couldn't leave her here alone with some man that would vent his aggression to the detriment of her again. There was a reason she had been hostile before.

In the distance I heard a familiar laughter and hollering. Startled, I turned, frantically searching for a gray hood. The warmth drained out of me and cold crept in from every person that shoved past me. What had been pleasantly busy turned miserably cramped.

I didn't waste any time and made my way to Patrick's tent. He had asked me to come visit for his break and now seemed a suitable time for not being alone. Carefully making sure I didn't end up in a dead end or lonely passage, I took probably the longest route possible. But it seemed safe to never leave the crowd. I felt isolated nevertheless.

His tent stood out from the flock of visitors like a beacon and I headed straight for it. The hardest part was to stand in front of the tent and wait for the last appointment to be over. It was like standing out in the open, like a sheep hiding from wolves on a hill. Somehow it seemed more dangerous here than somewhere in the crowd alone. I clutched my hands hard in front of me. I felt my fingers losing blood flow, knuckles turning white, but I had to hold onto something. Nervously I was looking around me every few seconds.

After a while, I was about to leave, I heard a high giggle from the inside of the tent. My feet wouldn't move. Giggle again, followed by muffled mumbling, that I imagined to be Patrick's voice. I should have left earlier when I had still the chance. Now I stood here, unable to move, already overhearing what I shouldn't hear. A warm female voice whispered and I tried really hard not to listen. But I didn't have to understand what she said, the tone alone was enough. Her voice was flushed and tempting. I imagined some girl standing in front of a mirror, practicing to speak like that because I sure wasn't able to pull that off just for the heck of it. The picture of that scenario inside my head made it better and worse at the same time. The girl inside was not better than me, probably. But she also did what she did for a reason and I didn't like what she tried to achieve.

Finally the entrance tarp was pushed to the side and a blonde girl exited. It was the same girl from the other day, when I was the one in the tent with the group of town girls waiting outside. Now it was the other way around. I was waiting outside while she had seductively whispered to Patrick and was now leaving, flushed and disheveled. I managed not to blush while she eyed me just like last time. Her face cold and hard, unsuited for the expression she wore prior to seeing me.

"Thanks for coming." I yelled after her with the friendliest tone of voice I could come up with. She did her part of not reacting to it. I suspect my voice brought Patrick outside, too, because now he was standing right next to me. He was looking more calm and collected than any of us, not a bit surprised of my being here.

"She is jealous of you.", Patrick said casually and he incidentally slowly and carefully entangled his fingers with mine. I didn't think he could be afraid of something this minor but this gesture seemed very much like it. I was more angry that I couldn't appreciate his touch because I was too caught up in the situation, than I was angry because of the girl's actions and his ignorance to it. It surely wasn't the first time that she was flirting with him. But I tried to tell myself, that he still saw her only for the money. This girl wasn't the first townie to express interest in him. And obviously she wasn't the only one who was jealous. I ignored it.

"Let's go." I exclaimed more to myself than him and I pulled him with me, away from the tent and my childish thoughts. He uttered a short laugh and caught up to me immediately.

"Where are we going?" He asked. I didn't know.

"Somewhere fun." My answer couldn't be more undefined but that was part of the adventure, wasn't it? He wanted adventure and thrill, didn't he?

His voice forced me out of my raging mind. "So you want to have fun?" The suggestive tone to his words freed me. I froze and managed to look through the blindness of my aimless activism. I felt heat rising in my cheeks. With a weird kind of shame, I turned to him.

"No. Not like that." My voice was more scandalized than I wanted it to show. Still I managed to look him in the eyes. He wore a cheeky smile while his expression was illuminated with a different kind of colored light every few seconds.

One step closer. "But we're on a carnival.", he started very innocently. "There's a lot of fun to be had." He changed the grip on my hand to suit a formal dance style and stepped closer. "There's music everywhere." With his arm around me, he shrugged my unoccupied hand on his shoulder and simultaneously rock us a few times while carefully avoiding the people around us. "A lot of kaleidoscope lights. Makes you look exquisitely beautiful, by the way."

Suddenly he stopped to look at me suspiciously. "What did you think I was suggesting?"

When I smiled, he let the pretending go and smiled with me. Slowly he let our entwined hands sink but he didn't step away, nor stop his touch on my back. Suddenly I was very aware of his hand following the line of my spine further down to just above my lower back and back up again. I shuddered. My palms got sweaty. His hand rested heavy on my skin. People stared. But I didn't look away. I didn't break eye contact. My heart raced. Fingertips tingled. I couldn't look away. His blue eyes wouldn't let me go.

His lips formed a small smile like a secret that he gifted only to me. I didn't know what to do. There were no thoughts, only looks and touch. Breathing in. Then for a second he broke the silent promise and looked at my lips. After that everything was quick. The pressure of his hand became unbearable, though soft. In the blink of an eye, I was in his arms and his lips on mine. It was familiar, like last time. But a whole world different, too. It wasn't a surprise. It was longed for. He didn't just grant me a second. He lingered. His lips didn't taste anything like I remembered them. It was all fondness and playfulness, no aggression nor anger. Like favorite childhood candy that got a whole new flavor to discover. It was new and it was better than balancing on a tightrope in front of a whole circus full of audience. It was adrenaline and jumping into soft straw. It was glamour and stage fright and all the fame and glory this life could bring.

I could swear I heard him sigh, but also I couldn't because I wasn't capable of concentrating on anything else but the movement of his lips.

I didn't realize he had let go of my hand until I felt his arms shift around me. I welcomed his attempt to pull me closer. We were pressed against each other but it still didn't seem enough. I needed more, I craved it. I didn't know how but I needed to be closer, feeling his touch more. Everything more.