Hey! I'm back. Sorry for the long hiatus. I had some weird writer's block and wasn't content with what I came up with until now. So here it is. Some fluff. Comments are welcome. (:

Sleep didn't come easy even though the straw was soft and his warmth was familiar. His breathing had slowed down ages ago and his lids had fluttered and closed in secret. For all his silence every move of his chest screamed novelty and even though my eyes were tired watching dust dance above us, I couldn't find rest. I wanted to break free from the silence as much as I just wanted to lean into the arm he had around me. Night was close to gone and I felt this moment pass too fast for the stillness. We could hide in the dark but there was no power to protect us from daylight and its obligations and the necessity to deal with every problem of the world. I craved darkness like a tree craved the sun. Hide me away forever. Lose me in the night, never to be seen again. Leave me here with slow breaths and tired eyes.
"Have you thought about leaving before?" Patrick's voice was raw from resting and his words barely disturbed the slumbering atmosphere. What a funny question. If I had wanted to leave his arms, I would have.
"What do you mean?" Through narrow eyes, I only saw light and darkness. Mostly darkness. I felt lightness in my limbs. Straw didn't prick me. His touch slowly disappeared and gave me away to the universe.
"Leaving the carnival." He muttered, his lips as lazy as my thoughts. Slowly I looked at him, without really moving or fully opening my eyes. His eyes were closed but his fingers still found my skin to caress.
I'm probably dreaming. So is he. Dreaming of a different time with different circumstances and a different background. If we had a different upbringing, maybe leaving would be a good choice. If we had lived our lives differently, living our future as normal people would be a possibility.
"Sometimes." I admit, knowing well that it had never sufficed to make real plans. It never seemed enough to become reality. Not one single dream seemed strong enough to pull me out of my ongoing living. Ever progressing, never stopping.
"Someday, I will leave." Patrick revealed it as a secret plan to victory and dreams coming true but never opening his eyes. I kept mine closed as well.
I climbed into his dreams with him. Night was the time for dreaming and so we did. "What would you do?"
My question drew silence and a smile from him. I didn't look but I could feel it being on his lips. His shoulders always moved a certain way when he truly smiled.
"I will live in a flat with a big kitchen and a real office. With a wooden desk that needs its own trailer because it's so heavy. It will never be moved again after it's placed in that room." I could hear his smile. His happy voice. It tasted like honey in my mouth. "The flat will be in the first story at least. So stairs are leading up to it. I want to take the stairs until I'm sick of it. And a door with a lock and a door handle. I want to lose my keys and not get through the door." He sighed at the thought of an unpickable door.
I saw his flat in front of my own closed eyes and he had mapped it out on my skin with his striving fingers. I couldn't help but join in: "I want a shower that is big enough to actually put your arms up and not touch a ceiling. And a boiler big enough to have a hot shower for half an hour."
"We could even have a bathtub. Imagine that. Actually bathing in a bathroom instead of a river."
"And a bed with an actual mattress in a bedroom that we don't need to share. Bigger than your and my trailer together."
"And a couch that fits us both at the same time. So we can waste our evenings watching TV as normal people do." Smiles turned into hushed laughs.
I don't recall how the dreams became a 'we' but it felt warm in my chest. Out of all the things, wasting evenings felt the furthest away. I couldn't imagine dusk that wasn't spent in opening hours, performing or otherwise caring for the visitors. Heaviness crept back into my soul and I opened my eyes to a brighter straw wagon. If my eyes just got used to darkness or the sun started rising, I couldn't tell.
I watched Patrick pretending to be asleep for a while.
"Why did you come back, if you don't like it here?" Faint memories of him refusing to give away anything from his time away from the carnival circled my mind. It felt like another life, like another Patrick.
His eyelids twitched before he tiredly opened them to scan my face as attentive as ever although the creases under his eyes spoke for his tiredness.
I wasn't delusional; I didn't expect him to say that he came back for me and I hoped he realized that. I wanted the truth.
"I guess I was lost and scared. Carny life seemed like the sole thing that was secure." Every word he spoke, resonated with me.
I hoped the conversation was stable enough for me to ask my next question: "What happened in those years that you were gone?"
In his eyes, I saw the resistance that his mind built up against telling me. Most of me expected him to find an excuse but he didn't. He closed his eyes and in one smooth gesture, pulled me closer and rested his lips against my head like a kiss that forever continued. Master of deceiving, he knew exactly how to hide his expression from me without being obvious. But he showed me too much of himself for me to be tricked by his advances to use my feelings against me. I still enjoyed every single second of this kind of fraud.
When he finally spoke, it was quiet and he sounded so out of it that I could hardly keep myself from looking at him to fully grasp what he was telling me. "It had been a particularly bad time and CPS took me away. I was with different foster homes but only for a short time. They all weren't very bright but they tried their best, I guess. Tried to put me in a youth center last but I made a run for it and – well I tried to get by for nearly a year… Then I returned. Found most of the life I have lived had changed. Except for Alex of course. He's still binge drinking."
I had my hand wrapped around his arm so tightly, he shouldn't be able to feel his fingers anymore but he didn't complain. It seemed like the only way to show him that I cared for what he told me. I cared for everything he had said even though I couldn't seem to find words to make it all better.
"You know, before you left, I had a huge crush on you." I whispered into the crook of his neck.
A deep chuckle echoed from him.
"Some things didn't change."
He embraced the silence and my body. It felt like the dark started to pull back completely. The past was the past and this night was for the future.
"Next time everything changes, I'm going to change it myself." The determination in his voice made finality dawn on me. Everything he had dreamed in front of me, was his plan of the future. A real plan. More than my shenanigans to keep me from losing my mind. He meant it and it was scary. Fear of being left alone in this trap of a life crept into my soul where warmth had been. I plucked it off of my thoughts but I felt it already nesting in my heart. I couldn't bring myself to ask him to not leave without me. I didn't even know if I would ever truly consider leaving. I will not hold him back, I promised myself. If he can leave, he should. Without any kind of bad conscience. My heart already wept for the loss. It was heavy and pulled me down into darkness. Sad sleep conquered me with terrible dreams. I heard my heart scream and struggle. It was unbearable but I didn't wake.