The next hour felt like a sweeping dream. A race that I needed to win. I knew what I had to do but I didn't register all the steps I did, somehow it all came together while my mind was raging through thoughts of panic and excitement. I threw a few things in a worn backpack that had once belonged to my mom, I took a quick shower that would probably be my only for three days until the carnival caught up to us.
I had never really talked to one of the bill posters but they were notorious for their uncleanliness and alcohol. Always on the road, even worse than the rest of us. Their morals were ambiguous and their mouths loose. When I was a kid, I was told to stay away from them. Now, being close to adulthood, I realized that we acted nothing different from townspeople towards our own that we barely saw. We all made the bill posters what they are and despise what the townies made us out to be.
Today I would go with them and I hoped they could show me a world of freedom that I was too scared to scout on my own. One thought was wasted on what I would tell my parents when I saw them again after three days. I decided to think about that another day. I had three of them to come up with something.
My cheeks were flushed with agitation when I stepped out of the trailer. I didn't look back or made my farewells to any of it. I wasn't even sure if I would stop and say goodbye to Danny if I knew where he was. I tried to calm my nerves and bad conscience by telling myself that it was only for three days. Like a holiday that I never took before. I will be back. No need to say goodbye.
I didn't know what part of the hour I still had left, but the empty carnival buzzed with commotion already. The same kind of commotion that came up when the first trailers leave. The feeling of a fresh start somewhere else. Movement and urging to the new lands. There was always some seething going on under the tarps before real chaos began. And this was the beginning of it. The first wave when the bill posters leave. It was time.
My excitement guided my feet in fast steps. Almost running but not really. I tried to blend in and not draw too much attention but if people were to watch me, they had to think I was chasing after my little brother like I had done many times when he'd stolen my diary like he used to.
Before the trailer entrance to the fairground, a van with speakers on top parked on the path. I've rarely ever seen it but when I did, it had rusted away a little more, becoming a little dirtier every time. Sweating men with suspenders put big boxes into the back of the van, likely filled with placards that were to be distributed throughout the next town. My eyes scanned the area, growing more anxious with every sweep across the men. Patrick was nowhere to be seen. I stopped in the midst of the field. Suddenly feeling very silly with my backpack and, in comparison, neat pants, freshly showered with still wet streaks. Did they know that I planned on joining them? Did Patrick tell them? Looking at their probably soar arms, I was asking myself why I ever believed this would be fun. It was work like every other work that I was expected to do. Only this time I would not see a penny of what I made. I was embarrassed by my own childish beliefs, my hopes of living a day without having to work. I suddenly realized that what I really wanted was being a child. A child that didn't need to worry about money or patrons. I've grown up in the middle of a paradise of wonders without really experiencing the perks of being a child with wonder. It was always being silent and obedient for everything to go smoothly. Always holding back, always being considerate, always putting the patrons first. The community, the act, the tents, the animals, the fucking food you sell or the damn townie children making fun of you, everything came first. Everything came before yourself. My heart was heavy even when Patrick leaned out of the back of the van to receive a box of tools. He disappeared and returned again to jerk his head at me with a big grin. Instantly another box was shoved into his arms. Some of the men looked back at me for a second before continuing their loading.
My feet were unwilling to move but I forced them anyway. Now that they've seen me, there was no turning back. My head was as light as my heart was heavy. I half expected them to ignore me and the other half at least expected some unfriendly sneering.
"Partner in crime is coming." One man said with a laugh. He had wild hair and was only barely in his 20s. As soon as I reached them, they abandoned their tasks and inspected me. I was already blushing when they started a tirade of bad Romeo and Juliet or Bonnie and Clyde jokes while Patrick jumped off the van to determinedly press a kiss on my lips. His hands on either side of my face. Unrelenting and passionate. Of course, that little act didn't go without hollering from the bystanders. I was certain my face must, by now, look like I've been in the sun for days straight. Patrick made some joke towards the men that I didn't have enough attention for. My thoughts were still rummaging because of the salty taste of his lips and the rough hand of his that was pulling me towards a round, red-haired guy in his fifties.
"That's her." Patrick exclaimed with a glow in his face that made my heart burn.
I shook the guy's hand while Patrick introduced him as Frank. Frank was smiling broadly with crooked teeth.
"I'm the boss of these tinkers." He seemed just as excited as Patrick.
"Thanks for taking us." My voice was unusually shy. There was still a slight fear in me that this plan wouldn't work out as it should.
Frank answered never losing his grin: "Oh no worries, ma'am. He bribed me."
When I looked at Patrick in shock, Frank was fast to correct himself. "It was a joke, ma'am. Patrick, better get back to work if you wanna earn the bread and butter for your lady." Frank turned back to the van and began explaining instantly while the other men all started working again. The tall, scarecrow-looking man with a straw hat was called Donald and he tipped his hat when he was introduced. Then there were two similar looking younger men who turned out to be brothers. They were introduced to me as Jerry, the one with the wild hair, and little Jerry.
The one with short shaved hair protested instantly, wearing a charming smile. "My name is Gary, actually, but these idiots are just too lazy." Before I could take his hand to greet him his more serious older brother slapped him over the back of the head with a rolled up placard. Little Gary laughed and even his brother managed a slim smile.
"Those bills pay your bills. Y'all better take care of them." Frank murmured and led me to the front of the van. "Take a seat, ma'am." He opened the door for me and burning hot air gushed out of the interior.
"Are you sure? I can help."
If you're useless, you're dead weight. The sentence has been repeated so much in my head and my life that it's slowly sunk into my soul. Frank looked like he considered it but then smiled a warm, crooked smile. "Let your man work for you every now and then. Keeps 'em busy. No worries."
Frank walked to the back out of sight while I stood before the open door, not sure what to do. Was it a test to see if I was lazy?
"Wrap it up, boys!" Frank ordered. "Gotta get moving before anyone misses our love birds."
For a second I thought about asking if I could help again. Then I scolded myself for it. Just sit down, I tell myself. So I did climb up the seat and sit on the edge, my feet dangling outside. Just so the heat isn't that bad, I excused it. But it was actually for me to jump out at any moment when someone asked for help.
Frank was already coming around, placing himself in the driver's seat with a map unfolded in his hands. That was how long I'd taken to decide on what to do.
The map was impossibly frazzled and it seemed unlikely that it was still holding itself together by the creased look of it. But it did. Like everything broken and barely functional at the carnival, it held it together long enough to be of use.
"We'll be driving a whole day.", Frank murmured to himself, trying to fit the map into a smaller format that would still show his route.
"Where are we going?"
"East. Halfway to winter quarters." It was funny how he constantly talked like he had a big mustache that was swallowing his words, without really having one. The van jiggled four times followed by loud banging. "Buckle up. Y'all ready back there?"
Banging and hollering. When I looked through the little window to the back of the van, Patrick was sitting furthest away on a sturdy box. We locked eyes and he smiled genuinely. It felt almost like there wasn't glass and a few feet between us and like nobody was there but us. Almost like he was able to ask me if I was nervous. Almost like he could feel what I meant when I furrowed my brow.
"Shouldn't I go to the back, too?" I asked Frank, suddenly craving Patrick's closeness but also feeling uncomfortable in the front seat while the working men must sit on cardboard and placards.
"Don't be ridiculous, ma'am. First time in decades that we have a lady with us. I sure won't send her to the back. Babycakes ordered first class for you." He cranked down the window and let his arm hang in the air. "Believe me. It's better to sit where the windows are."
Now I felt even worse but since he started the car already, there wasn't much time to debate. We started rolling. Even though it was steaming hot in here, I got goosebumps. Maybe it was the sudden wind. Maybe it was that once we were out of the fairground, there was no going back. What if my parents got really mad. Shouldn't I have at least left a note? Something to tell them I'm fine?
There was the first bump of the front tires hauling themselves over the side of the road. It's still time to stop. I can just go back. No one noticed yet that I left. Second bump of the back tires. My hands were shaking. The van crossed onto the street and we drove way too fast, way too far away. I flung myself around to see the outlines of the carnival fade behind us. If I didn't stop looking now, I would definitely start crying. And I knew that the imminent kind of crying would be hysterical and ugly. I knew it even before the first tear dropped. When I turned around, I pressed my back into the seat. My eyes carefully locked onto the street.
"Don't forget to breathe.", Frank said chuckling. Then with more softness: "First time, huh?"
I swallowed the dryness in my mouth and nodded.
"You're as white as this truck used to be." He emitted a hearty laugh that sounded just as dry as my throat felt.
"I never left the carnival before." I admitted and sunk deeper into the dusty seat.
"Would've been a bad idea."
I looked at him, mortified. I knew it. Bad ideas were all I ever had.
"Main attraction can't just leave." He explained further.
"I suppose." It has already been more than five minutes since we left. When I was to look back now, I wouldn't even see my home anymore.
"When I was a little older than you, I ran away from home, too. Ma never forgave me for it. But it was what I had to do."
I made a noise that indicated that I did listen and understand but that I didn't know what to reply. He looked at me for way too long for driving a vehicle with six people in it.
"When you're young, you have to do thangs. Rebell a little. That's what youth does. I ran away with the carnies and ya run away with us. Fair deal."
I took my time to think about it. Patrick in the back showed the brothers some magic trick that he had learned. I didn't hear them. They couldn't hear me. When I turned to Frank again, I frowned.
"But what if I miss it?" I looked at him like he knew all the answers. Like he was the father that actually listened to his daughter and cared for her. A father I didn't have.
"Ya never know unless you try. People miss a lot a thangs they got used to. Doesn't mean they need it. Doesn't mean it's good for them."
I never imagined wisdom being told by a southern dialect and crooked teeth. Suddenly I regretted not talking to the bill posters before.
"You're right." I sighed.
"Now cheer up! I won't nearly lose my job because of y'all and have you be all grumpy the whole time." He gave me a nudge to the shoulder then grabbed a clear bottle from beneath his seat and handed it to me. "Gin?"