Hey guys, I'm back with a new chapter. Please excuse the hiatus. I've been busy writing something original. Hope you enjoy this nontheless. (:
We drove all day until the air coming in through the open windows became cold enough to close them and rely solely on the ventilation of the van. When it's gotten dark, Frank had pulled out some prepared sandwiches from under his seat and shared with me. It's been hours since then. The stars were keeping us company while we drove down deserted roads, rarely coming by other cars, never getting face to face with a town. I was leaning against the door, shielding my cheek from the cold with the arm I'm resting my head on. My feet were lazily tugged under my butt. They've been numb for hours but every other sitting position was already tried out and deemed unhelpful. Now it didn't matter anyways.
As I was concentrating on the miles of nothing all around me, I was slowly drifting in and out of sleep. The car did its best to rock me to sleep and Frank even turned down the music, thinking I was already sleeping and wouldn't notice. But my mind was too busy thinking and judging me for my hasty decision. Right now in the dark and alone, I was only dreaming of waking up and being in my trailer again.
I thought about my mother. She must be desperately searching for me in the straw wagon or near Patrick's trailer, only to find that he was gone, too. They must be scared of never seeing me again. I didn't dare to think about Danny, I was just hoping he would forgive me. Why didn't I simply leave a note? It would have taken one minute. A tear rolled off my cheek and I turned to face the window fully.
I could see my own reflection and the fog that gathered near my mouth on the glass. I closed my eyes again. The van came to a sudden stop and I jerked awake. My stiff neck told me that I had fallen asleep long ago. I stretched and looked out the window, hopeful to finally be somewhere. There was still a whole lot of nothing and darkness all around us.
"Pee break." Frank said over his shoulder, already outside and disappearing into some bushes. Disappointment flooded me. I wanted so bad to just get this over with so the carnival could catch up to us. My door was ripped open. Patrick was all glowing eyes and small laughter lines and I felt angry. But I swallowed it and let him drag me off my seat.
"Let's go for a walk." He suggested enthusiastically and took my hand and me towards the back of the van. Away from the lights and the bushes. We walked in silence for a while. I stared with my lips pressed together because of the anger I thought suppressed. He looked as disheveled as I probably did, his blond locks even wilder than usual. Even though he didn't smile, he looked happy. Genuinely happy from the inside out. His whole posture had changed during the hours we had spent apart, though in the same van. His steps were lighter, his arms swung freely. No hands in pockets. He's gained everything that I had left behind.
"You're sad." Patrick stated in a very collected manner but I felt his fingers twitch slightly. He didn't look at me. I felt like crawling into myself, leaving this place behind and screaming in pain because of the guilt that made it impossible for me to enjoy any of this. But I did neither of those things.
"I guess." My voice wouldn't let me say more because it would've ended up sounding very annoying. His hand squeezed mine. "I guess I'm homesick." I admitted and we came to a stop. Looks were exchanged but quickly pointed down to the pavement again.
"You know, if you didn't want to go, you could have just told me." He leaves my hand which could be the reason that I suddenly started crying or maybe it was his words. The unfamiliar tone of his voice. His reservation. The space between us. The fact that I had to face leaving my home virtually alone in the front of the van.
"I did want to go!" I tried to explain. I couldn't. There were so many reasons, too much to explain if he didn't understand right away.
"Then what is it?" His gaze dragged over my face, his lack of understanding obvious. Obnoxious.
"For someone claiming to know everything, you know very little." My words were sharp, as was my voice. I was so angry. So angry that he was happy while I couldn't be. So angry that he couldn't even come close to understanding why I was not able to be as excited.
"I try to understand. I really do." He was visibly desperate. His arms came up for a hug but decided differently. My cheeks were wet, tears were running down my throat.
"Why did you drag me into this?" I sobbed. "I don't want to leave. Why do you want to go so bad? How can you talk about leaving everything behind so easily? Are we not good enough for you? Why is everything so easy for you. - I don't want you to leave."
Tears disturbed my vision. I sobbed without a care for the other men or how childish I was. I washed every little bit of anger out of my body and mind, every fear and every sorrow I had gathered inside of me. It brought everything to light, even the fears I tried to forbid myself to have. Fear of losing Patrick, the only person who understood me and felt the same longings. If he left without me, there was nothing to pull me out of my hated life. I knew that I would not leave alone. I was scared for my future and the loss. The feeling of rejection. It was overwhelming.
Not waiting for Patrick to do anything, I buried my face in his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. One second of me anxiously waiting for him to react was all it took. He held me so tight, I felt his heart beat fast under his shirt.
One hand rubbed my back, the other was tangled in my hair.
"I'm sorry." I sobbed when I finally managed to calm myself enough to speak. Shame flooded me after the relief from crying. "It's not right to say that." I didn't dare to look at him. I hadn't planned for this. I wanted to be an adult. Not to blame him. I wanted to make my own decisions and stand up for them. I wanted so much but it all ended up differently than I had planned. My emotions had their own plans and they didn't ask for reasoning.
The van honked and a big hand waved us to get back into the vehicle. We both stared at it, unsure what to do until Patrick decided we couldn't go until some things were clarified.
His hand guided my chin to look him in the eyes so he knew he had my attention.
"I know you're scared. I was scared, too. I was homesick all the time. I understand and I don't force you to make a decision. If we leave, I want you to go freely and by your own choice. I will not bring it up again unless you do." Two honks now, but Patrick continues undisturbed, unbothered and unapologetically. "And don't base your decision on me. I don't want you to blame me some day, should we leave together. Know that I will support you whatever you decide but decide for yourself."
I nodded confused. Now I was halfway reassured and halfway scared that there might be a decision in there that will make me stay behind when he leaves. Some childish part wanted him to say that he won't leave unless I do but that's not how this world works. You can't arrange your life to fit someone else and their choices. Some decisions can only be made independently. If it aligns with the other person's it's great, if not there's no point in forcing anything.
I had to admit that he was right and I also grudgingly had to admit that my mind wasn't yet ready to make such a bold move. I felt relief flood me as I confessed to myself that I didn't feel ready. I was too young, too childish, too careless. I didn't want to think about my legal age, where we would live, what I would do to earn money. I just wanted to live a little. Just a little more.
And these three days were the perfect chance to be careless. Without the consequence of leaving my family forever. I needed to take it.
When the sun finally broke through the horizon, we could see our destination in the distance. It was like an alarm clock for all of us. The back of the van suddenly sprung to life, even Frank who's been driving for the last fourteen hours now seemed mildly more awake. He slammed his bare hand against the window to the back for a few times, indicating something close to a miracle. We were almost there. The last hour across the plains of whatever state we drove through now, went by like a charm. It wasn't as hot as you would think looking outside at the red earth with barely any vegetation. Compared to our previous location. Fall had set in here for sure but you couldn't tell very much because of the all year-round dried out leaves on trees and grounds.
"Do you know where we have to set base?" I asked, in awe of the building town in front of us.
"Why do ya think I drive this thang?" was Frank's tired answer but even in his tiredness he smiled.
We drove over the main road covered in the reddest light. This magical moment was accompanied by the best time of the day. Before day really broke. Tinted in red and orange light and warm shadows. The brick buildings to both sides were still asleep, windows shut and curtains drawn. The balconies empty and forgotten. The houses were connected by lampion carrying cables across the street. For a moment I thought I was dreaming. A really pretty dream of a pretty town. One you'd want to spend your life in and know all the neighbors and secret spots to spend your time.
"It must be here somewhere." Frank murmured, reaching for the map that he thought to be under his seat. He steered us onto a smaller street. "Give me a hand, will ya?" I took the found map out of his hand and looked for markings that would give away our future location.
There were only small scribbles when I hoped for a red circle or something. "I think you need to go left here." He did.
"One or two miles to the right now." I sincerely hoped that I guided the right way but the anxiety didn't last long.
"What the fuck is that?" The exclamation brought the boys in the back to the window. Frank hit the breaks hard and we came to a stop in front of a large grassy area in the middle of the town. But the problem wasn't that it was our location because it wasn't. But the carnival that rested on it, complete with a circus tent, food trucks and multiple rides. That was a huge problem.
"Maybe it's about to pack up?" I suggested hopeful crawling closer to the windshield.
"I doubt that." He murmured dryly and squinted his eyes.
"They have fucking shows planned for the next two weeks." yelled Jerry from the back. He found the placards before we did.
"Language, boys." scolded Frank even though he just swore himself. "We have a lady here."
"He's right. There must be a mistake." Something must have gone very very wrong. There can't be two acts in one city. It's certain financial doom for one of them, usually the smaller one. Apart from that it's bad manners to camp in a city that another show has already claimed for the weeks.
In this case we were both: ungentlemanly against carny rules and the smaller show. We were doomed.
"Are you sure this is the right town?" I dared to asked and only got dirty looks from the boys.
"Who do ya think I am? Of course this is the right town." Frank huffed in his deep southern voice. I let myself fall back into my seat. "We're gonna set camp and I'mma call the boss. He knows what we gotta do."
So he parked our tiny run down van in the middle of our field diagonally across from our new rivals. We wouldn't even see them and their big tents if it weren't for their giant rides that surpassed every treetop in America. They certainly didn't have to see us because our miserable tiny van was swallowed from their view even by the tiniest shrub by the street. We looked as lost on these big empty grass plains as we felt.
The boys immediately started unpacking the essentials but the latest bummer weighed heavy on their shoulders and mood.
"Don't unpack too much, boys. Gotta phone the boss first. Maybe we made enough cash. Might wrap it up for this year." Frank didn't even get out a coherent sentence while he stumbled over the bumpy field towards the town center to find a payphone. We all craved some much needed sleep and without the adrenaline of a new start we grounded very fast.
When I turned back to the van, everyone had already slumped over one or two pieces of baggage.
Donald appropriately sat straight on the grass, not bothering with anything to sit on and had his arms splayed on two boxes that made him look even more like the scarecrow he already resembled.
Jerry already made faint snoring noises with his head hanging down from the boxes of placards he was laying on. Doing exactly what Frank wouldn't approve of. Little Gerry on the other hand was still busy with propping his jacket up to be his pillow on the free space of the cargo area they had previously created.
Sooner rather than later they were all silently awaiting Frank's return and most likely sleeping while the sun rose behind the van. You could experience day coming just by feeling the sticky fresh air and seeing the misty horizons. This was supposed to feel like a fresh start or the amazing conclusion of a not so great year. It felt a lot like the end of a lost fight than anything else.
I monitored the spot where Frank had left the field. I willed him to come back and bring good news but he didn't come back that soon. Patrick threw a spare leather jacket that smelled of cigarettes over my shoulder to keep me snug. But there was nothing he could do against the wet chillness of early morning disappointments.
"The last payphone was a few miles down the road. Frank will take a while." He whispered and there was the familiar tone of gravity in his voice again. The gravity that keeps every carny folk where he belonged. On the road never reaching further than the next stop on the tour. If I could I'd wear black to mourn this loss because it felt a lot like witnessing death. The dying of dreams. We were put in our places again. It's not like we've lost something physical. It was a mere idea in our heads. But it felt like the death of our future selves. The one we wished to be once this was over.
I'd give a lot of things to bring his weightlessness back.
For now I just nodded and followed him to the back of the van. He helped me up and around Little Gerry without waking him. Now it was on us to collapse into the corner the boys had been staying in for the whole trip here. Patrick cradled me in his arms so at least one of us had a softer spot to lay their head down on. In exchange I pulled the borrowed jacket over both of us.
It didn't even take enough time to complain about the hard floor or the pebbles poking the bones under my skin, before I fell asleep. This was the second time I ever drifted off to sleep in a boys' arms. Quite different than you'd imagine. Sleep was a lot more fitful. But in a good way because every breath Paddy took that woke me a little, reminded me again that he was still holding me. Not knowing the difference between gleeful sleep and exhilarating closeness was the best thing about this. It was all the same amazing feeling.