Oops it's been two years. Sorry for that.

The third evening in this new town was colder than any before. Fall had arrived and covered everything in fog and grey clouds. Everyone sat in the back of the van to eat each their own portion of canned ravioli because the grass was dewy enough for even Donald to not want to lie in it. Across from us, the enemy fair was in full swing. There was a near endless stream of customers coming and going. Not one night had the pay booth been unoccupied for a minute. Unthinkable on our fair. Sometimes our guy in charge of selling tickets was so bored he fell asleep.

That's why this evening was mostly filled with communal envy. The first night we had ascribed the busy street to a lucky day for our rivals. The second night we had shrugged the high customer count off as a Saturday run. But today- Today was Sunday. Our slowest day by far, our day off even. And their tents are filled to the brim. People were waiting in long lines and were almost falling over their feet to get into the main tent. There were two shows held to accommodate the rush.

"Your angry staring won't make the people stop coming." Donald remarked before he leaned back against the side wall of the van and dragged his hat over his eyes. The half empty can of tomato mush still between his crossed legs.

"She can try." Jerry tried to sound funny but the desperation had even reached the two brothers. No ravioli were stolen between the two this evening. They just sat in the far end of the cargo bed like two copies of the same person and stared down the gaping mouths of their cans.

"Just hope townies' interest will carry over to ours. We did our job and informed the higher ups. Now we just gotta wait. Boss wants and Boss gets." Frank rambled. The longer we had stayed here, the more it was obvious how precarious the situation was, judging by his behavior. He grew increasingly restless and quiet the more phone calls he had with the remaining fair. Any day now, they would come meet us here.

I had tried to not think about my family or May. For as long as I could remember, I had helped with breaking down the tent and May's enclosure.

Who had prepared her for travel because I wasn't there? Who knew that she liked a carrot as a soothing snack while being locked in the trailer? I hadn't told anybody.

I knew the plan was to escape for three days to decide whether I could stomach leaving forever. But all it had shown me was that I felt guilty for withdrawing myself from the responsibility that I had. And that I enjoyed sitting in a van, eating out of a can with a shared fork and watching the rain dribble over the open doors.

But Patrick didn't know how I felt yet.

We had made plans for the house we would get. The life we would have. And I wanted it. I truly did. Just not yet.

Frank excused himself and on the way out, he had to climb over Donald's sprawled limbs. He had the impressive ability to fall asleep in under three minutes, no matter where or what ground he was lying on. After two nights with five men in the cargo bed of a van, I would give a hand and a foot for that talent. Donald seemed to grow in size whenever he laid down, taking up even more space than Frank but being half the weight. Frank was relentlessly snoring and Jerry and little Garry just couldn't be quiet when lying next to each other. They were always the last ones to fall asleep.

Still, I wouldn't wish it any other way because of Patrick next to me. Every night, I learned a new thing about him. When he was sleeping on his back, he was snoring almost inaudibly. But most of the times, he was sleeping on his side with his arms crossed as if he was protecting himself against imminent threat. When he slowly woke up in the mornings, he always scooted an inch away from me, even though he had me in his arms throughout the whole night. Maybe he thought I wouldn't notice, but I did. Just didn't know why.

When I finished my can, he was still staring at his, too deep in thought to remember how to use a fork.

"You're worried." I imitated him unconsciously and earned a low smile while he still didn't look up. He was sitting right beside me but hadn't said anything all dinner.

"I'm thinking." Two ravioli were caught and released.

"About what?"

"The future." His voice was raspy, the way it was raspy after he hadn't used it all night.

Fittingly, the dark clouds outside burst into one loud stroke of thunder. My heart sank and now I wished, I had ravioli left to pick at. Surprising how my voice could suddenly become like glass when I tried so hard to sound inconspicuous. "What exactly?"

"The best course of action when they arrive here." His voice was low, giving the illusion of privacy with three other men in proximity.

He didn't have to specify who he meant. Alex, my parents, the committee. Everyone we just left behind and abandoned to follow this fever dream of ours.

"Nothing changes." I determined for myself and decided to stand by it.

"Your dad will want to kill me if Alex doesn't catch me first." Something in his strained laugh scared me more than his words. "It will have consequences that I don't want you to suffer."

We sat in silence for a moment and watched lightning cross the sky in a growing net of roots.

"And I don't want to run from them." My words made him twitch but he nodded. "I don't want to change anything. No matter what my parents say. Or anybody else for that matter. I don't care. They can't do anything against us. What will they do? Fire you? They'd lose too much income. Same with me."

He placed his can in front of us and straightened his back before looking at me again. "I just don't want you to feel pressured to choose. That is not my intention, I hope you know that."

I smiled but the longer I held my smile, the more false it felt. He said he didn't want me to chose. But the moment of choice hung over us like slowly arriving tempests. There was a sense of foreboding that just couldn't be shaken.

"I know." I tried to reassure the lie I told myself. I noticed the millisecond long squinting of his eyes, the tilting of his head. But he chose to look away, the promise he had previously giving me bearing on him. I was thankful he let my lie slide.

Thumping on the outside of the van kept us from further discussion a plan of action. Frank hammered his fist against the side again and that's when a long honk announced the arrival of the convoy.

While the others got up in excitement and went to greet the new arrivals, Patrick and I sat in silent shock. We stared at the first truck that conquered our sacred meadow, carrying the big tent and leaving two streams of flattened grass behind. The workers immediately got out and scouted the best place for Midway and Main. Set up started. Trailers drove by us on Frank's command to start Camp in the far back of the lot.

The meadow became unrecognizable in only a few seconds. No matter how prepared I thought I was, the sharp transition to reality felt like a car crash. It was so horrible that you didn't want to look, but you couldn't avert your eyes.

It took me a moment to realize that the trailer that hit the breaks in front of the van, was my home. I watched my parents get out and stride towards us.

"I'll talk to them." I said and was already off the van before I turned one last time to say the only thing I still had time for. "I don't regret it."

The few steps to meet my parents were the hardest. My chest was so full of fear that I couldn't breath. My legs were weak but I was still standing. I have never seen my father so calm yet so angry. We met in the middle and before I could say anything, he struck me across the face with the back of his hand.

I whimpered and caught the first drop of blood in my hand. My vision blurred from tears and the hardness of his slap.

"I didn't raise my daughter like this! You're a disgrace to this family."

I didn't talk back because I knew he wasn't finished. He walked in angry, deformed circles until he faced me again.

"You are a fucking embarrassment. For all of us. You disrespect your parents. You screwed the carnival. Do you have any idea what your actions mean for us?"

Ashamed, I eyed the gathering assembly of workers and friends who seemed all too eager to watch the spectacle. My mother was silently crying, out of shame or disappointment I did not know.

"I wasn't allowed to work. It was hardly a loss." was my weak retaliation. In my heart, I knew I was wrong for leaving May and going against my parents' order. I knew better but I couldn't do better.

Dad huffed and I was ready for another slap but he breathed and looked around the bystanders. No matter the anger, it wasn't worth it, airing dirty laundry in front of everybody. The carnival was family in a way that the closeness was usually treated with a blind eye to the family business of others. No matter what was done behind closed doors. But this wasn't closed doors and I hadn't only wronged my parents. I betrayed everybody. He inched closer and lowered his voice to a hissing.

"We lost main attraction since you didn't appear at supervision. You will never work the elephant again. You have until next season to come up with a new reason to drag you along."

It felt like he hit me again. My ears rang so loud, I couldn't hear my own hysteric words. "What?- No, wait! No one can work May like I can. You can't take her away from me!" I pulled at his arm as if it helped anything. He pushed me off of him.

"You left her. You alone are responsible. I hope it was worth it." He spit in my face with every word. "You know what; If he'd be worth it, he would stand here with you in front of my face and explain himself and not hide like a coward. I can't believe my daughter would-" My mother finally put a soothing hand on his arm to end this debacle. He took a deep breath again and concluded in one sentence. "I can't look at you any more."

My father rubbed his palms like freeing them from flour and walked away with his hands in the air as if he rid himself of any responsibility for me. This public display hurt more than any words he'd thrown at me. And the fact that Mom blindly followed him, broke me. They re-entered the trailer and drove it to the others while I was still standing in the fast dissolving knot of people that I had known all my life and who knew me, who came to witness my public chastisement.

I frantically tried to dry my tears and only ended up ripping my bleeding lip again. Trailers drove by the exemplary warning that I was. Beware your daughters or they could end up like this. In those two days that we had been away, word had spread like wildfire and everyone knew of this betrayal.

Somewhere in my mind, I had hoped we could get away with a scolding because we were only children in love. But this was not a misdeed of children. They saw us as adults who selfishly betrayed the community. We were never to be trusted again.