When I had returned to the placarding van in search of comfort or wise words, I found it abandoned. There was nothing left for me there. I was alone in my end of the world. Just a few minutes ago I had sworn that nothing would change, yet everything was different. The companions on my flight were gone, back to the world we had fled. A world where I'd never had the chance to even meet them. And Patrick- he had his own issue to deal with. Grief overwhelmed me. I didn't know you could mourn experiences. People, yes. But the feeling of a situation? The crowdedness of a rusting van, the smell of glue and printed paper while you slept. The silence of an empty meadow that wasn't crushed by tires. The intimacy of a daily routine with Patrick.

Instead I gained hostility, condemnation and the knowledge that every one around me disapproved of my happiness.

I walked to my parent's trailer in shame.

I joined them for dinner without any of them talking to me.

I did the dishes as I always did, brushed my teeth, a cup of water in hand, on the foldable steps. As I always did. Everything as it used to be but I didn't feel the same in it. A deep, aching sadness had infiltrated my system. The low after a high that lasted for days. Instead I was stuck when I wanted to run and time dragged endlessly when I just wanted it to pass. I wasn't sure if I'd even feel this euphoric ever again. The next time I would run away, we wouldn't look back. Permanence would be the death of exuberance and if we were unlucky, the same boring numbness would follow us in our new normal.

Danny returned when I finished brushing. I didn't know where he'd been because he hadn't told me because he hadn't spoken a word with me. He was about to squeeze past me when he, too, realized how grotesque this situation was.

"You know, you could have told me at least." He didn't look at me but I knew he had his lips pressed together even though it was too dark to see. He's done that when he's angry since he'd been a toddler.

"I would have. But everything happened so fast, I-" Sobs. Heart wrenching, earth shattering. Every time I failed to hold back the tears, they threatened to tear me apart.

"Oh stop it, Annie." He sighed and slumped down next to me. The stairs were creaking dangerously under both our weights. "I know you like Patrick but that was just stupid. Even I know that."

"I know." I was senselessly wiping the never ending tears from my face, again and again. "But I couldn't just let him go. That would be worse than this."

Danny looked confused at my throes of sadness. "You sure?" He must think I was losing it.

"Probably." I sniffled and tried to pull myself together for him. Pitiful, I tried to smile at my little brother who so desperately tried to be empathetic and understand why I risked everything for two days of bliss.

But it was so much more than two days. It was a statement, a pledge. The more I thought about it, the more it appeared clear to me. The final choice was already made. I'd chosen Patrick and I'd chose him again. Somehow that knowledge calmed me enough to think clearly again.

"Do you know who gets May?" I whispered into the night, our only listener.

"Pete."

"Pete Barsocky?"

Danny nodded sorrowfully. Pete was my father's friend who had not once handled big animals in my life time. The only advantage he had was that he was on good terms with both the boss and my father. And he had the money to sustain the act. Whatever act he was going to do. I couldn't imagine himself climbing up on May to do the acrobatics she was trained for.

"Do you know what he's doing with her?" I asked again. Not sure if I even wanted to know. I doubted that I could face him to ask himself.

"He wants to make it a clown act for the final two weeks. But after that..." Danny shrugged.

I chewed on my quivering lip to keep me from crying again. This evening was only worsened by the fact that I couldn't even find comfort in my work with May. For years it had been my place of peace but now even that was taken away from me.

"They will arrive tomorrow. Maybe meet with him?"

"I couldn't." I buried my face in my crossed arms. The mere thought of talking to the man who took May from me, made me furious. The fact that I was responsible, made my shame so great that I wouldn't be able to bear seeing him with her.

"Talk to him. Maybe sneak in some info. Make yourself useful and maybe the others will forget with time." He pressured and I saw so much of my dad in him in this moment: No matter your feelings, do everything for the carnival. Please everybody. Unity is safety. He looked so much older with his wise words and the serious glance he put on. For a second I asked myself how he'll look when he's 20. What his life would be like in his 20s or 30s. And the fact that I will not be here to see him age ripped open a new wound.

I sighed and combed through my hair absentmindedly. "I won't be here long enough for them to forget. They don't forget that Harald didn't press one tent peg into the ground completely. It's been 30 years since the boss broke his toe and they still won't let Harald near Set Up."

Danny's shocked confusion was visible even in the dark. "What do you mean, you won't be here long enough?"

I bit my lip again and wrung my hands. "Can you keep a secret?" Only after his nod did I continue. "I'm going to leave. Not immediately. But in a few years when I'm old enough."

My brother was never one to stay silent. He always had a quick comeback, something funny or witty to say. But not this time. I had never heard crickets chirping so loudly in such a silent moment. But in his face I could see that a part of him knew already. But that part of him didn't speak.

"What do you mean, you're leaving? Where do you plan on going?" The emotions in his voice were so jumbled that I couldn't decipher what kind of reaction my revelation caused.

"I want a home and -"

He cut me off. "You have a home!"

"I want a permanent home. A house and a garden kind of home. I don't want to travel all my life."

He sneered. "A garden. Since when did you want a garden." It felt like he moved away from me with every angry word he spoke.

His ridicule surprised me with the hurt it caused me. It was like showing him my biggest dreams and having him laugh about it. But before I could answer, he upped the ante. "It was Jane, wasn't it? He talked you into this."

I was taken aback by the sudden hatred that my little brother could put into one simple last name. Of a friend nontheless. It took me a long time to sort my thoughts and I still failed at finding a reply.

"Forget it." I tried to turn back the time and revoke my mistake to tell him. But the damage was done. Danny got up and before he climbed inside the trailer, he murmured one last insult. "Maybe dad is right and Patrick is only trouble."

The stairs weren't done swaying with the loss of my brother and I already wished myself away from here again. Of all the people, I had hoped Danny would understand me. He has always been one to crave adventure and he always wanted more. To discover the things beyond our close horizon. He had dreamt about success and wealth. Things that felt too far out of reach for our life on the road.

Maybe dreaming was all carnies were good for. Empty dreams for empty pockets but full shows. Performing dreams for others.

When I was in bed, dad disclosed that I was to have a talk with his boss in the morning. He didn't bother to come up to the bunk but rather yell at me through the whole trailer. Without a good night, he left me to my anxious sleep. The worry and Patrick's absence forced me awake every other hour. I missed his sleepy hugs and his movement during the night. The soft mattress threatened to swallow me. My subconscious wouldn't let me forget the strangeness of a lonely night. When I was awake for the third time, the dark outside was violet, moments before the sun burst over the horizon. A part of me was glad that the torture of this night was soon to find its end. But the relief was damped by the knowledge that it would only give way to more demanding hours of day. After laying awake for what felt like hours, I opened the small hatch to let air into my nook of the trailer. Over two nights I'd gotten so used to sleeping with an open van door that it felt suffocatingly dry to not breath in the early morning mist.

The moment I pulled the window open, I heard a hiss. I blinked into the faint purple-pink dawn and forced my swollen, tired eyes to see the person behind the plead for attention.

Patrick's hair looked red in the rising sun as he sneaked through the newly arranged rows of trailers.

"Angela." his voice was a whisper, almost too anxious to be heard.

"Hi." was the only answer I could muster without immediately sobbing again. Light-footed, he jumped onto the clutch like he had done since we were children. The trailer barely took notice and rocked only slightly. He stretched as high as he could and before saying anything, he kissed me. It was the most awkwardly romantic kiss I ever got. I could barely move because I had to press my chest into the mattress to even be level with him. He could barely reach without scaling the side of the trailer. I would have loved to caress his cheek or run my fingers through his hair. I would have leaned out of the window but I could never fit my shoulders through the opening. Our lips met right on the edge.

He slipped and had to catch himself. For a moment of shock, we thought the noise alarmed Danny or my parents. But only silence followed.

"Hi." I repeated once I regained my breath. I was so head over heals happy that I would have jumped him if weren't for the wall between us.

"I'm so sorry. I heard what happened." His careful thumb dragged over my split lip as he scanned the rest of my face.

"It's fine. I'm fine." No matter the reassurance, he wouldn't stop worrying about my face.

Relieved, I discovered that Alex didn't get to him. At least physically.

"What did your father say?", I tried to keep my agitation and my voice down. Every slip in volume could cost the only moment of peace I had this night.

"Not much, really." He answered and I was about to sigh out of sheer amazement but it turned out I was too quick. "He left all my stuff at the previous location and threw me out."

I looked at him, too horrified to answer.

Patrick put my sympathy off with a wave of his hand. "That's nothing new. With enough booze he'll get over it."

"I'm sorry." I tried but he ignored my pity.

"What about your father?"

"I've never seen him so angry. Apart from the scolding, he's not talking to me. Mom either. And…" My voice broke. "They let me go. I'm not main attraction any more. Pete is working May now."

"What? Why?" Patrick almost yelled and I had to shush him. "They can't do that."

"They have. I should have cared for May and I didn't. As much as I hate it, they have their reasons."

Patrick shifted again and it took me a second to realize that he was angry. "I will talk to them and make them take you back."

"You will do no such thing!" I hissed with the same bite he had and tried to grab his hand. "Listen to me! Don't, please!"

"But it's not fair! You love your work." He stopped to think and I saw his thoughts running behind his eyes. "I'll quit, too. They can't just let you go and assume that I keep working."

"No, Patrick, please. You're the only other attraction that is really pulling people in. If you quit, we are doomed. They will only hate us more."

"I don't care."

"But I do!" Despair dominated my voice.

I saw his entire being struggle against my wish. He wanted to be angry and unleash that anger on everybody and it took everything in him to remain somewhat calm. His eyes told of the same untamed wrath that dominated him when he first pushed Lucas. A willingness to fight against all odds, every expectation, against every other person that was in his way. I sat with his anger as long as he took to decide his stand and hoped to god he'd chose the right way.

"We will find a way." He finally buckled and gave in to my silent plead.

"Thank you." I kissed him again. "Where are you sleeping?"

We both knew that inviting him to sleep with us would be useless, so I didn't even bring it up and he didn't ask.

"In Alex's car. He parked on the other side of camp." he said it like it wasn't a coincidence and we both knew it. But their plan to separate us was doomed from the beginning. My father probably thought he could scare Patrick into obedience, completely forgetting that he had lived with Alex all his life. I doubted there was anything that could scare him and if there was, he'd never admit it.

"I will find you later." I said as the sun rose high enough to blow our cover. It would only be a short moment until the workers would get up for breakfast and discover our secret meeting.

"I will find you." He returned the promise with a kiss and I watched him jog out of sight. What a difference only a few hours could bring.

I had always remembered the Boss as an unfriendly man that I had the fortune to avoid until now. But at our meeting, he showed me that he was as unfriendly as he was scary. The Red Wagon perfectly reflected the appearance of this strange extravagant man. Dark panelling covered the steel trailer walls on the inside and every bit of junk scarcely related to the carnival, or more accurately his success, lined every open space. Every little nook, apart from the desk which remained perfectly clean. I even had to move old papers from the chair he offered me.

The whole fifteen minutes he granted me, were spent with threats of homelessness or my future as a ride operator, one of the lowest status jobs on the whole fair. I couldn't count the times he had said that if I'd been 18, he'd kicked me out already but my father begged him not to. The really scary part was how he smoked his cigar while he calmly told me that tinkers were thrown off the moving train for going south back when he first started in the 40s. Flying, he called it nostalgically. Then he spent a good minute cursing labor laws. He ended with the story that a handful of girls my age would have given everything to get the chances I got.

"I have girls at every stop offering me all kinds of illegal shit just for me to hire them. But I hired you." He pointed the cigar at me. "Without any security, just your father's word. And you betray me, Angela. And you betrayed him. His word is worth nothing now. Do you know what happens to a man whose word is worth nothing?"

I shook my head.

"He gets to fly."

I swallowed and averted my gaze.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you.", he purred and I had no choice but to obey. "Do you want to fly?"

Head shaking again.

"Do you want little Jane to fly?"

Same gesture.

"Good, because he won't, only you will. He earns me the money of all the pretty emby girls who get their little panties wet because of him. And when he gets older, he will get me the frustrated housewives' money. You know when he's going to cost me money? No! Because even I don't know and I fucking don't care because I'll fucking be dead until then and he will still earn my money. But you on the other hand." His tongue mimicked the sound of a bursting bubble creepily well. "Nothing."

I clenched my jaw so hard, that I couldn't even think of something proper to say.

He took a puff and blew the biting smoke in my direction. "Fly, little Angela, fly."

I fanned the smoke but the small space didn't allow for it to evaporate but rather gather swirling clouds at the ceiling.

It took all my backbone to find the courage to try to plead for myself. "I had a concussion and was not able to work anyway. There was little harm done by me leaving for two days. Rather I was able to help more by putting up bills when I'd otherwise just sat around doing nothing."

I was proud for finding my voice until he coughed a biting laugh and finally slammed his palm on the wooden desk. "A bill poster. You think I care about those tinkers? They are mud under my soles. Nothing but the dust this fair stands on."

With every sentence he said, he managed to anger me even more.
"For every bill poster we lose there's a hundred more blighters out there. But the main attraction. There's only one. And this one managed to hit her head and clocks out for two weeks. Two full weeks. And then she runs off during season final when we need to make enough money to last over winter break. You know how that looks?"
I realized that no matter what I said, there was no way to sway his outlook, to make him understand. There was no pity in this man's soul. To not incriminate myself further, I fell back on my previous silent tactic and he used the opportunity of my surrender to berate me one final time.

"So you see, I don't need replaceable people. I need money and you will give me money. Or you're out. Talk to Tammy. She's looking forward to new dancers." With a wink, he spun in his expensive leather chair. A clear sign for me to piss off that I was just too eager to take. With shaking legs, I picked myself up.

Up until I closed the door behind me, I expected him to throw another hidden insult my way but only his cigar smoke followed me outside. The stench clung to me like his reaching hands that I just couldn't shake. His threats were still ringing in my ear and I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he still followed me. Every step I'd take the next week would be surveilled. No rest. I had had my share of peace on the run but it only gave way to worse.

Blinded by my anger, I didn't realize where I'd walked and no one cared to chat with me. I evaded midway and swerved over the lanes the newly set up rigs and trucks created. In only a day, the fair managed to crush the high grass and flowers into one clean lot. They changed our meadow so much that it was barely recognizable as the sanctuary it had posed as.

I purposely evaded Patrick's fortune teller tent because I didn't want to tell him about the dire prospects that were revealed to me. Part of me couldn't believe the threats I had heard with my own ears. Or the fact that he actually proposed I'd run around in even skimpier outfits to work for Tammy, a middle aged woman, with the carnival since she ran away from her husband and on the move ever since. Every new destination, she changed her hair color and her lover and no one knew her real name. She was an incredible dancer and still very youthful for her age and soon enough she'd became the leader of the spec girls. Dancers and performers that opened every grand entry and entertained customers after the show in little specs. I'd never seen one of these private shows, because there was usually a men only rule and no performer ever talked about it or allowed non related personnel to attend. It was one of those turns that the boss needed to pay the police for ignoring.

No matter how much worse the situation would get, I'd never put myself in a position where I was this vulnerable in front of a boss like him.

Another plan had to be made. Another job for me, preferably starting today. But it couldn't just be any job. It needed to be something close to the previous one in hierarchy. Anything else would only fuel the aversion against me if I admitted to my hurt pride. Saving face was what made people forget, not begging for forgiveness. At least people that valued external appearances more than anything. Looking vulnerable was the easiest way to get shunned by carnies because everything was about selling an idea. Life is nothing but an act.

And I was born to sell the act.