Early next morning, the Big Top was finally declared open and I persuaded Pete to have our training in the ring to prepare for the show the same night. He came in late, looking dishevelled and tired and I couldn't blame him. 10 hours before a show wasn't the best time to come up with a new routine. Other than the fact that he technically had to earn the trust of a big animal before he could think of preparing an act. What the Boss demanded of him was inhuman and impossible. No one could do it. Not even I with all my experience surrounding May.
I reminded myself that he needed to fail, to stump down on the bad conscience that crept up whenever I looked at the old man. If he didn't fall through, I'd be out of my job.
Pete bent down to put a full bucket of carrots right on the ring curb and I had to tell him to put it away if he wanted May to concentrate.
We started with the easiest task, lifting the right front foot. He managed well enough and gave a carrot at the appropriate time.
The back foot took him a few tries. But it worked.
Then a pat on the head on demand.
It took three hours for him to nail it every single time and May was beginning to stall. She was smart but even her brain needed to rest.
On our way back to the pasture, I made sure to lead May and Pete by the Red Wagon. If the Boss was in there, which he usually was, he would for sure see me with them.
"You know, I thought of a little act for today." Pete finally uttered, almost timidly. He acted like I was his scary teacher and it made me very uncomfortable to see a grown man so undignified.
I tried to sound hopeful but my voice just wouldn't do it right. "Really? What did you think of?"
"You know I'm not gonna get into those aerobic suits and do a bunch of stunts. But maybe it would work if she did something funny." When I didn't immediately chime in, he explained further, sounding even more distressed than before. "I've never heard of a funny big animal show before. It could be great. Could also be shit. But better than me in a romper, ya know. And I watched you yesterday. She's funny. The water thing she did. But maybe it's not a good idea."
I rolled the thought in my head for a bit. But he was right. Completely right, actually. "That's a genius idea."
After May's break, we trained with a few new cue words. One for water spraying, one for removing and putting on a hat. Giving a flower. A simple clown show for little kids. But in the short time we had, it was all we could put together.
An attempt at rescuing Pete's dignity while also not being enough to be repeated a second evening.
It was a perfect match for both of our needs.
That night I watched the show from behind the curtains for the first time since I was seven. After my eighth birthday, I had performed every night no matter what. Headaches, a bad tummy, cramps. The cure for everything was the rush of a sold out tent. For everything but an admittance to the hospital. Now after eight years, the show went on without me for the second time this summer and even though I felt a little tinge of regret in my heart, I was concerningly okay.
They scheduled Pete early in the show right before the fire breather. A smart choice. Overshadowing the embarrassment with the firebug. Of course to the outside it would look family friendly. Kids shows first, in case the littles lost interest and needed to go.
Pete wore an old costume. Oversized everything but the tight vest. Competing patterns in similar dark washes of color. He looked like a gothic clown but it suited his style of performance. Very quirky snobbish, borderline scary. And the kids loved it. He had a feeling for the character he had to play in order for May's light-hearted acts to be funny. A true master of charisma. It was so obvious that he belonged here in the straw covered ring. A thousand hot spotlights on him. Children laughing, parents in awe. Where else would he be? The colors and the audience's roar was his essence.
When he came back through the curtains, he was ten years younger.
"You were great!" I rushed to him, showering him with the honest admiration he elicited. Who else could go out there with a pile of trash act and spin it into gold with just his own wit and personality.
Yes, May had been defiant a few times. He had to improvise a lot. She didn't even want to come back in and he had to pretend to shove her.
But who would shove a petulant elephant for show value? He was magnificent in his blind bravery and adjacent stupidity.
I wished I could be part of his act, learn from him to catch the crowd with simplicity.
However, the wheels were already turning.
Pete was called to the side to have a talk with the Boss while I got May undressed and put her on wait for the big finale. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Pete falling into himself again, regaining years and years with every minute the Boss talked to him. When he returned to us, he let himself drop on a crate backstage, slumping so much that he looked like he'd pour down the sides every moment.
"Fucking disaster." he moaned and wiped his forehead.
I wanted to encourage him, tell him I loved what he made out of the bad cards he was dealt. But I didn't because I wasn't the one to pay the salaries. I didn't matter.
In fact, I didn't matter so much that the Boss walked by me, not even acknowledging me backstage. Before the show, I'd feared, he would maybe kick me out, scream at me that non performing workers don't belong backstage. But he didn't and that made it way worse. Dirt under his shoes. Not even worth looking at. Not even when I disregarded his 'friendly advice' to apply for a the new job and instead tried to get back with my old one. I was invisible because I wasn't flaunting in the spotlight any more and everything that's not adding to the shine was disposable.
He knew that his attention was status and he liked the thought of taking it away from someone just by the minor change of not greeting one of his employees. Almost like he got off on it, he craned his neck even higher as he walked by and onto the stage.
The next day, we trained again. Sunset to Sundown. Until right before the show. The Boss demanded more action, more wow. And Pete desperately tried to give him what he asked for. But May disagreed. And I disagreed because May was mad. And then Pete got mad and stormed off mid practice. When he came back, he was reserved. After another hour, he sighed and finally admitted that I'd be a better match for the elephant.
"I talked to your father. He's not wrong saying that we need your act for attendance numbers to go up. It's just impossible for anyone other than you to come up with a similar spec. But I'm not going against the Boss. Not happening. He said you're not touching the elephant again and I already defied him there because I needed help, still do. But no further. Your father doesn't know him like I do. You don't want to mess with him."
The desperation in his voice was unmistakable and I couldn't do anything but nod. I know it was necessary but I didn't know how much more of his inner turmoil I could stomach. It needed to be him to stand up to the Boss and tell him he can't do it. Not me, not my father.
Tonight's show's attendance was weak. I heard rumors about the other fair accelerating their performances so all the people would visit them before us. But we all knew it had to do with the main attraction being weak. I was still on the placards with May. People came to see me and what they got was an old man with a bored elephant. A charming old man, but nevertheless. People didn't spend money for charming. They wanted spectacular and the other fair had a handful of white horses and a beautiful girl.
After the show, our little conspirational team casually met backstage before May was put away for the night. Usually the show ended in drinks and a celebration but no one was in the mood tonight. Murmurs got louder that the Boss had made a mistake firing me. Pete was close to a breakdown because after the whole day of practice, the act went worse than yesterday. May was too stressed and had to learn too many new signs and commands in a short time. She got irritated halfway through at the crowd's noise and I had prepared myself for the worst. Fully expecting to storm on stage and calm her down if she lost it.
Patrick greeted me with a kiss to my temple. He was surprisingly calm but I could see every bit of stress on my father's face. Pete and him debated about the show again as other workers walked by and eavesdropped what the father of mainattraction had to say to the new elephant keeper. It gave Patrick and I some time to collate the state of our tasks.
"What did he say?" I asked in a hushed voice, trying my best to keep my appearance lighthearted. Outwardly, we appeared as a young couple in love, his arm still around my waist, me ogling at him. But behind the scenes his next words decided my future and no matter what, I had to keep an upbeat expression on my face.
"He's a stupidly proud man." Patrick began and immediately an 'Oh God' slipped through my gritted teeth as I tried to keep my smile. "I owe him but he promised to reconsider."
"That's a good sign, isn't it?" Hope glowed in my cheeks but his face showed nothing of my enthusiasm.
"Might be. But I had to throw a lot of things at him to get him even that far." He barely moved his mouth while whispering and constantly let his eyes wander as if he was searching for something on the lot. Nervousness. My heart dropped and I eyed Pete again. Dad had a hand on the old man's shoulder and both men turned away from the backstage walkway.
"What did you do?" I asked, almost unwilling to hear the answer.
"I had to threaten to leave."
My eyes widened at the words. "But what if he took you up on that? I thought you wanted to stay until you're 18."
"No, not like that. I told him that in the future I couldn't support both of us and Alex on what I get to keep and that we'd have to search for a new fair to employ us both."
I stared at him blankly. Too many emotions crashing down at once. I was flattered and enjoyed the thought of us living together. I loved that he already thought about supporting us as a family. But there was also the underlying dread of that threat being spoken. A threat that needed to be rendered harmless in order to retain any cogency. "You promised him to stay?"
"Among other things." No show of emotion. As if he didn't care about what he burdened us with.
"But you can't promise to stay. You wanted to leave since you came back." I so desperately tried to make light of the situation but my dry laugh fell flat.
"I did what I had to do. And I don't take a promise to a crook as binding."
Now my smile left me completely and I held onto his arm as if I was begging him to reveal his joke. It got worse with every word he uttered. He made a promise he didn't intend to keep. To a man who can't be trusted. The implication all that entailed. The future it shaped for us if we ever intended to leave. We could never come back or he'd be dead in a ditch. We couldn't tell anybody we left or we wouldn't make it out the front gate. We couldn't say where we went or he would send someone after us. Our families would have to denounce us.
"Don't worry about the future, Annie." He just said when I took too long to answer. Of course he knew what it cost. He wouldn't commit to such a promise flippantly. "We needed a solution for now and that was what it took. The future will be fine."
The way he pressed me against him and another kiss on my hair, soothed me instantly. Of course it will be fine. We will always find a way. Always have. A season could bomb into oblivion, the Big Top could burn down, all animals get lost; we could lose everything and still carry on. That is our lot and generations have lived it.
"Is that the promise of a psychic?" I joked and grinned at him.
His restless eyes found me in a wave of blue. We looked at each other in silence for a moment. The knowledge of safety beaming in my chest and warming the cold of night. My heart was so full of certainty that I could barely contain my joy. I rested my arm on his shoulder and ran my hand through his golden curls to make this moment more real. They'd been growing since he returned and now almost reached his eyebrows.
"It's the promise of a guy who will keep you safe, always." He murmured in a throaty voice.
My knees were weak. But I couldn't begin to react because a new wave of people carried the Boss out of the Big Top entrance and he beached right next to us, still in his red circus uniform. His hair sweat drenched and falling out of his ponytail.
"Barsocky!" He called Pete over in a croaking voice and the aggressive tone made Patrick and me separate grudgingly.
"What happened tonight, Pete?" He didn't even wait until Pete reached us. His angry look rested on me like I was the source of all evil.
"I don't know, Boss." Pete replied timidly, even more demure than he had been with me.
"You don't know." The Boss echoed in a threateningly friendly voice, barely looking at the man. "What did I tell you yesterday?"
"To make it more spectacular." Pete answered dutifully. "But Boss, we trained May all day yesterday."
"We? You're already speaking in third person of yourself, old man?" A cruel laugh.
"I helped him." I intervened, unable to let Pete get dragged like that. "He did the best he could."
Patrick twitched next to me as the Boss eyed my defiance. He drew himself up proudly. Another try to intimidate me. "Says who?"
Without missing a beat, I answered truthfully to my heart. I had to. "I know how long it takes to come up with a whole new choreography and Pete has never worked with May before. It was near impossible and he made it possible in just two days." I tried not to, but my eyes switched to my dad for a second. I wanted to reassure myself that I did the right thing but forced myself to look away too quickly to deduce anything.
"You want to know what's difficult? Keeping a show up when the main attraction doesn't do as I say. What do you recommend in your immense wisdom and knowledge, Ruskin? Should I just suspend the elephant for the last two weeks of the season? Or is there another more suitable person here that you'd suggest?"
A trap. It screamed in my face. So close were we to the goal that I could taste the effort on my tongue, feel the spotlights on my skin. But I mustn't take the bait.
"Nothing?" The Boss teased me with a biting smile, showing his crooked teeth like a rabid dog. I could only shake my head and take half a step back.
Now was the perfect time for Pete to chime in and my brain willed him to say something to let everything fall into place. But he remained silent.
"I want wow tomorrow, Pete!" The Boss used the silence to take back control and put even more pressure on a struggling man. "I want to be floored, stunned, speechless. Do you understand, old man?"
With every new expression, the Boss approached Pete one step at a time until the old man had to take one back to not be overrun.
"Yes, Boss." he relented and didn't even lift his chin to look him in the eyes. Hatred burned in my soul for the way he was spoken to. I wanted to yell at Pete to tell the truth, to say what he told me. I ground my teeth, helplessly watching all this go down, our plan failing.
"Good. At least someone listens to me." The Boss smirked in my direction and then moved on to Patrick. "Don't forget tonight, Jane."
"I won't if you won't." Patrick riposted with a stern expression. There was no sign of any discord in the way he said it, but I felt the silent reminder of an open threat.
The Boss hummed delighted, like he finally found an equal. Then he turned to leave us with our unfinished business. I already felt the faint hope I had fostered, stretch with every step he took, ready to snap. The grief of a miserably failed task took over and all three of us searched for comfort in the other's face.
"Boss," Pete started unexpectedly. There was movement in his body and his face. Like he came alive again, shaking off his petrification. "I have to be honest. I don't know what to do with May. She's spiteful with me. She doesn't listen. It would take a season to acclimate her to me and you know I can't do anything close to what the girl did. Sorry, Boss."
The Boss turned around his own axis to angrily grimace at every single one of us individually. "Funny how all of you only tell me that it doesn't work and no one every tells me what the fuck you intend to do about it."
"If I may," My father began, but the Boss hushed him with a swing of his lifted index finger.
"Shut up, Ruskin. I don't want to hear a word out of your mouth." Instead, the Boss pranced in front of Pete again. "I want to hear it out of yours. What is it you want me to do, Barsocky?"
For a moment, Pete appeared to fall into himself again. But then he dared to look away and catch my eyes. I held my breath, hoping for bravery to find him. Hoping, he could muster the strength to do the responsible thing. I tried to put everything into the look I gave him. Then he returned his attention to the Boss who was still lurking over him.
"Let the little Ruskin do her act. No one wants to see an old man do tricks. Her face is on every bill across town. She will earn the money."
"And what about you, Pete, my friend?" A threat again.
"I could need help with May." I threw in, walking over to the two men. "If I had help with caring for her, I'd have more time practising, coming up with new, more daring routines, no accidents. And May will get used to other people, making future acts easier."
The Boss loomed over me now. It felt like he'd laugh or slap me any minute. A mix I couldn't comprehend. "You think you can come and go as you please, little Angela?"
I didn't react. There was no more logic I could throw at him to hope to sway his decision. Every card was on the table. Now it only needed luck or a prayer.
Or Patrick.
He followed my example and positioned himself just behind me. It was enough to make the Boss falter.
"You know what? Fine. Second chances, right?" The Boss's smile was agonized. He tried to keep face and we let him.
"I want to be blown away by your performance and maybe you can keep it next season. Maybe."
Looks were exchanged and when he finally left us, I couldn't believe his words.
My Dad came over and patted me on the back but that was it. No one dared celebrating because even though we had succeeded, we had also relieved Pete of the better position he deserved.
The silence became overbearing and the sadness was overcome by guilt. Patrick took my hand and squeezed it tightly.
I couldn't help myself. "I'm sorry, Pete."
He shrugged his drooping shoulders and made a meh sound. It wasn't an affirmation that everything was alright. It was more like a sign that nothing was and it hurt deep in my soul.
"Thank you." I approached again, more sure of what I wanted to say. "I hope we can work together on our act. I want to learn so much from you. If you'd teach me."
He meh'd again but with a bashful smile this time, waving his bony hand. "It was yours all along. No way the elephant would ever cooperate with me."
"But the crowd did and I'd love to learn that."
"Sure." His shoulders shrugged again and he wiped his hands on his thighs, signing his readiness to leave. "I can show you what I know but it's not much, that I can tell you."
"Then we'll meet again tomorrow." Relief helped me smile a little. I didn't think I could get over such an inspirational man despising me.
"Yeah, yeah." He waved me off again and walked away as if he'd never talked to us.
We waited in silence until he disappeared in the darkness untouched by the carnival lights.
"Do you think he will get over it?" I asked no one in particular, just hoping to get a positive answer to sooth my bad conscience.
"He's tough." My father answered and sighed deeply. "I'll go tell your mom. Join us for dinner?"
Patrick and I looked at him equally perplexed. Usually After Show Dinner was sacred. Not once in my childhood did my parents allow any other person to join us. A family only event.
"Yes. Thank you." Patrick stuttered, his palm sweaty in my hand.
With a nod my dad left us to clear up. Like ghosts we walked May around the fair to her enclosure, too dumbstruck to comprehend what just happened. I had a job. Pete had a job. Patrick still had his. My father was happy and he invited a stranger into our snack round.
If I didn't know better, I'd think it was a dream – the happiest dream I'd ever had – or the world was ending. With the second alternative being more likely. How could one person be so incredibly lucky.
All the world's luck must've been spent on me tonight.
"I haven't eaten at a family table in a long time." Patrick averted the state of shock we were both in. His voice sounded increasingly worried for such a miniscule thing.
"We hadn't had any guests at ours ever. So it will be properly awkward for all of us. You don't have to worry."
"Reassuring." He nudged me and pulled me back by my hand again. May behind us, trumpeted. She loved a playful mood. Probably just as much as I did.
"It's nothing to worry about. If he didn't like you there, he wouldn't have asked. You will just witness the endless talking about the show and newest carny gossip."
"Sounds lovely." He said as we opened the gate and waited for May to enter.
"It's my favorite time of day." I admitted and closed it again shortly after, bestowing the last carrot of the day to her.
We made our way to my family's trailer where we found my mom who still hadn't hurdled the impossible fact that we were to have a guest.
She put together a platter of left overs and chips in her yellow leotard, still sparkling from her makeup. Hurriedly, she put four cups on the table, forgetting the fifth person, and disappeared behind the curtain. Danny was already sitting in our corner table nook and I realized why we probably never had guests. We were one sitting spot short.
Both parents simultaneously returned to the living area and crowded the kitchen nook immensly. Mom was now wearing a bathrobe I didn't know she owned and Dad carried a foldable chair that belonged to one of our neighbors.
For a moment the four of us stood in the walkway, confused what to do next until Dad ordered everyone to sit down.
Awkward silence followed as he tried to find a comfortable way to sit in his borrowed, squeaking chair. I knew a meeting with Patrick and my parents was going to be strange after everything that happened but this trumped even my wildest imagination. I was throwing Patrick an apologizing look and Danny finally broke the silence, erupting into a fit of laughter.
Slowly, my parents joined in and in the end even Patrick had to chuckle.
"To another good show." Dad said cheers and opened the midnight feast. There was so much to cheers to. So many lucky things falling into place to make this night successful. But in the end, the show always remained the single most important thing, no matter if evil was defeated today. As if this night was nothing special, he commenced our family tradition. Because nothing at all had changed. No, life was just back in its natural state. "Dezmond practised a different choreography today."
"Did he set himself on fire again?" Danny exhilarated the gossiping and it was as if there was nothing strange about this dinner with Patrick by my side anymore. Everything as it should be.