Author's Note:
Actually, I don't think I can add anything to this one. Thank you most sincerely to everyone who has read, reviewed or dropped me a note.
Quotes for Chapter 24
"And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
"But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn" - from Shake it Out, Florence and the Machine
"It would be so nice if something made sense for a change." –- Alice from Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Chapter 24 – Don't Leave Me
Once Yamazaki had left with Kimigiku, Hijikata turned to Sen-hime.
"Alright. I can see for myself that whatever you're going to do needs to be done quickly. But… I need to have some idea. Also, I need to know whether to advise the other commanders."
"One moment, Vice Commander." Amagiri turned to the princess. "Shall I assist you now?"
The Oni girl's eyes were closed.
"No. Explain what we are going to do. Keep your energy for what's to come."
Amagiri bowed to her and then seated himself on Saitō's left, across from Sen-hime.
Hijikata reluctantly seated himself as well.
"Well?"
"His body needs to be able to contain the power he can channel. So we must attempt the Trial of Body. Even though he isn't a full Oni and has no training. When we do this with part Oni, usually the attempt fails or only a partial transformation can be attained. It appears to me that something happened that caused your captain to use power I would normally associate with only a fully-trained pureblood Oni. So we must push him through a full transformation."
Hijikata stared at him, tried to speak, and then shook his head.
"You're going to make Saitō into a demon? Seriously? And I'm supposed to let you go through with this? After what he just did? He's already suspended from duties, but he's likely to be expelled or ordered to cut himself open; physical punishment is also an option. Sounds like you're proposing nothing better except than if it works then he'll be even more dangerous."
Amagiri frowned. He had not understood all the nuances. He had understood what Sen-hime wanted him to do; unfortunately, there hadn't been time to explain that the man was subject to disciplinary sanctions. In some ways, he thought he understood the problem better than the princess did. Perhaps he could offer a solution.
"If Captain Saitō is able to endure the process, then I can assure you that he will no longer be a danger to you or your men. If this ritual works he will regain full control of himself. At the moment, his body is at war with itself, the human fighting the Oni for domination. Can we agree that ordinarily his self-control is satisfactory?"
"Yes, I'd say that's one way of putting it."
"Then here is my proposal: let the Trial of Body serve as punishment for his transgressions; it is little different from trial by combat and I assure you that you will have no doubt that it is physically punishing. If he dies, then that is decisive. If not, then he has paid the price for his misconduct. This is fair, since the need for this ritual is directly linked to his misuse of power."
Hijikata wanted to consider his options, but there was quite obviously no time. He also wanted to swear or, better yet, hit something. Both those options were also denied to him or just… inappropriate in front of these alleged Oni.
"Your proposal is acceptable," he ground out after a short struggle with himself. "That is, if things are as you say. However, I would need another senior officer present in order to agree to these terms. Specifically, Deputy Commander Sannan should be here."
"Sen-hime?" Amagiri looked to her for information: was the named man an acceptable risk to their security?
"Yes," whispered Sen. "But you must hurry."
Without another word, Hijikata got up.
"I cannot go myself with two potential enemies here. I'll send Yamazaki."
He went to the door.
"Yamazaki. Ask the Deputy Commander to come immediately at my urgent request."
"Hai." Yamazaki ran off.
"Preparations," murmured Sen.
"The girl is willing and able to act for him?"
"Yes, so Kimigiku tells me."
Amagiri nodded and turned to Hijikata.
"Fukuchō, ordinarily a young Oni would have his father, older brother or some other older male relative assist him with the Trial of Body. Somebody with whom he has a strong personal connection. A commanding officer would likely also suffice where there has been long and loyal service. However, since you lack the requisite ability, I will have to stand in. Do I have your permission to act in this?"
"You mean, act for me personally?" Hijikata was startled.
"Yes. Is he not a valuable and loyal officer for whom you feel significant personal concern?"
"Ahhh…" Hijikata made a half-strangled noise. "I mean… yes. Damn, you ask some strange things!"
"To pass any of the Trials requires strength and will and the ability to accept and integrate one's emotions. Thus, to facilitate – to be responsible for – one of the Trials requires emotional commitment, not just strength and endurance."
"And you want Saitō to do this? Seriously? Do you know him at all?"
"Only a little. Kimigiku-san has already noted that he has exceptional potential but appears to suppress his emotions to an abnormal degree."
"That's a pretty fair description," muttered Hijikata.
"I, however, am going to stake my own well-being on what I observed yesterday," Amagiri continued calmly. "Saitō-taichō does not display his emotions readily, but that is not a problem in and of itself, merely a personal choice with its own advantages and disadvantages. Self-awareness is what is important in this case, not personal happiness. If I am wrong, and he is a man who simply chooses to ignore how he feels at all costs, then this ritual will fail and it will be personally… inconvenient to me."
Before Hijikata could pursue this interesting point, the Deputy Commander entered, his expression unusually grim.
"Hijikata-kun?"
His quick glance took in the two strangers and his hand went to the hilt of his katana. Hijikata rose quickly.
"They showed up help Saitō. They claim to be Oni and there is some evidence that they've got some unusual skills. The man is Amagiri Kyūjyu-san, who was one of the men Heisuke, Saitō, Okita and Harada encountered. The woman is Sen-hime, a noble within their… community. By my direct observation over this past hour she has kept Saitō from burning out with fever. However, there is no guarantee that I haven't been misled except that Yamizaki thought Saitō would die within the hour when he examined him over an hour ago. Based on prior experience I thought we should consider the possibility that they are telling the truth."
Sannan-san blinked, absorbing the information. His expression remained very guarded and his eyes were unreadable behind his glasses.
"There is a final step that must be taken to complete this process if Saitō is to have any chance of recovering from his… actions… of earlier this evening. This will need to be undertaken very soon or he will die before it is complete. Hence the urgency. Amagiri-san has presented me with an option that – under the circumstances – I think we should accept."
"And?" Sannan's voice was cold, but Hijikata could sense the man's intense curiosity.
"The final step will be harsh, according to Amagiri-san. Saitō will either survive, in which case we could consider his punishment to be served; or he will die. As his current illness is a direct result of his actions earlier this could be appropriate."
"But we have nothing to go on, really, do we? This could all be a fantasy serving to obtain access to our headquarters and our men?"
The Deputy Commander's words and tone were sharp. Hijikata nodded.
"Aa. We must decide what to believe. But we've also discussed certain similarities between the reports from Saitō and Okita and our own… projects."
Sannan-san didn't reply, but Hijikata knew he agreed. Whether his agreement extended beyond the bare truth of the last statement was open to question.
While they were conferring, Amagiri had removed his coat and gloves. His hands and forearms were heavily scarred, but the scars were barely visible, merely showing as white glimmers in the lantern-light. A glance at Princess Sen had shown him that he couldn't wait any longer while the Shinsengumi commanders debated.
With a nod to the princess, he placed a large hand on Saitō's forehead, ignoring the sweat that slid in rivulets down the man's hollow cheeks and through the now tangled indigo hair. The Oni noted with approval that even the hair had been unbound.
"Saitō-taichō." Amagiri's voice was low but commanding.
After a moment, agonized blue eyes with a shimmer of yellow-gold stared into the Oni's own calm blue ones and held. In a moment there was recognition, anger and fear.
"Vice Commander Hijikata has given me leave to be here in his place. You are in my care."
The gold-blue eyes registered incomprehension and weariness but not disbelief.
"Who… are you?"
"I am Amagiri Kyūjyu. I am an Oni."
Behind Sen, across from Amagiri, the Deputy and Vice Commanders stood watching the conversation, stances tense, arms folded, their own debate abruptly concluded. They were of a height and wore nearly identical expressions of distrust. At that moment, they looked exactly like what they were, senior officers who had allowed potential enemies into their headquarters under suspicious circumstances. Nevertheless, when Sannan-san didn't move, Hijikata knew that they would likely see this uncanny process through.
Sensing that they were now all decided, Sen sighed softly and released Saitō-san's hand. She maintained her light contact with Kimigiku, taking some comfort and happiness from the fact that one thing, at least, was very right. Yukimura Chizuru, heir to the last Lady of the Eastern Clans, had been thought dead for a dozen years; that she was alive was a small miracle. Allowing that happiness to renew her energy, she extended a dampening shield around the room they were in. Given the number of potential sensitives within range – not to mention nervous men with good ears and sharp swords – it would be best if only those immediately concerned were aware of whatever would now transpire.
Saitō considered Amagiri's statement. It was difficult to concentrate. The girl's presence had gone and without it he was suddenly conscious of the raging fire in his body. He couldn't move at all. The blue cloud seemed to press him down. He felt water on his lips and swallowed what he could.
"You injured Tōdō."
"He attacked me. I offered no provocation."
"You didn't fight me."
"No. I had more pressing matters to attend to. Also, you acted on orders and out of concern for a comrade. The young one was eager for battle."
"Why…" The faint voice trailed off. There was too much to ask.
"You are going to have to trust me, Saitō-kun. In this moment I am here in the place of your kin, your teacher and your commander. In return, I will put my faith in you to do everything that you can to survive. Remember that. I am trusting myself to you."
"Why?" This time the question was clear. Why would a demon, a former antagonist and a stranger put himself at risk? Why should Saitō trust him?
"Because you are like me."
"Oni?" Confusion. Pain.
"Not yet. But I have chosen not to let you die. There are too few like us already."
Again, the statement was ambiguous – too few Oni? Or too few like this particular man? But Saitō suddenly realized that he knew what the man – the demon – was thinking. Not generally. Specifically.
I have chosen to be your kin. I have chosen not to let you die. Now you have to choose not to die. There was urgency, but the voice was patient. Let me be your family in this trial. I cannot stand with you unless you let me.
"And… the Vice Commander?"
He is here.
"I am here, Saitō." Hijikata's voice was steady.
It was hard to see the young captain well anymore. The blue haze was pronounced. Every so often there was a glimpse of a white face and long hair so wet with perspiration that it looked black. The nearly naked form appeared almost emaciated. The Vice Commander felt the same sense of disbelief as he had felt when he had first seen a man transform into a rasetsu – except this was worse because this was Saitō and there wasn't even a hint of mundane science.
"I will do as you say, Amagiri-san."
Aloud, Amagiri said: "Then we will begin."
Remember. I am with you. I will see what you see. I will feel what you feel. Stay with me.
I don't know you…
You know me. You know strength. You know pain. You know duty, honour, obligation.
… Yes.
Then stay with me. I will lend you my strength and share the pain.
I can bear my own pain.
No. Not this time.
…
We begin.
Only seconds had passed for the observers. Amagiri placed his free hand on Saitō's chest. His eyes closed, and a soft white light shone along both arms and slowly began to enfold Saitō's form within the shroud of blue haze. The younger man's body convulsed and his eyes went wide. Then he screamed.
Not far away, Harada grabbed his head in both hands, face white.
"I have to go…"
"No," said his friend, shifting uncomfortably. "I was told to make you stay put."
"I'm going."
With a sigh, Shinpachi stood up and leaned on the door frame.
"You're welcome to try."
"He's screaming."
"Get a grip."
"You have to let me go!" Harada was on his feet, eyes blazing far lighter than their usual amber.
"Nope."
"Move! Damn it, don't make me hurt you!"
"And… it's still no."
Well, at least it's just fists and not the spear, Shinpachi thought philosophically as he dodged the first swing. But it's getting really freaking weird around here.
Okita Sōji had drifted into an uneasy sleep after the bizarre events of the early evening. He could count on one finger how many times Saitō had gone off the deep end and he'd had to be the reasonable, responsible First Division Captain. Yep. Once. And it had just happened. Too bad he wasn't able to enjoy the whole virtuous sensation because it hurt to breathe.
He was woken out of strange dreams about golden-eyed rasetsu by a scream. Except that now that he was awake he couldn't hear anything. Always one to trust his instincts, he pushed himself cautiously upright, reached out for his scabbarded sword and used it to lever himself to his feet. Damn bruises. Oh well, they'd heal. He peered out his window toward the room next door. He could see Yamazaki stationed by the door, but something was wrong. The medic-shinobi had his hands over his ears. Then he suddenly slid down into a dead faint.
Curiouser and curiouser, thought Okita. He opened his door, ignoring his aching chest, and crept out. Strange light, too white to be lantern light, bled from Saitō's shuttered window. As quietly as possible, he moved slowly toward the door. A moment later he staggered. Damn. He didn't realize that his chest hurt that much. Another step and this time the pain rocked him back on his heels and he almost dropped his sword. Hmm.
Good sense said to stop and go back to bed. Yeah, as if.
Only half-conscious, Heisuke dragged himself as far as his door. Lacking the strength to go further because of his brutal head injury, all he could do was curl up against the sliding panel and eventually pass out, blood once again trickling down his face.
Sen and Amagiri had both changed to their full demon forms. Sen's focus was entirely on keeping the sensory overload from overwhelming the human – that is, part-Oni – sensitives. Hijikata-san and Sannan-san were both kneeling now, eyes closed, conscious only through Sen's intercession. The princess was not sorry that they had to endure a certain amount of misery along with the man they proposed to punish. She gave them credit, however, for their silent endurance. She could easily sense Sannan-san's avid curiosity and Hijikata-san's mounting anger.
Sen was also maintaining the emotional link to Chizuru, in order to provide Saitō-san with the comfort of at least one familiar, caring presence. However, the shinobi had been forced to restrain Chizuru twice so far from going to Saitō's side, as it would make things very much harder for him and those trying to help him. The third time the girl lost focus and stumbled to her feet, Kimigiku had lost her patience.
"Your unstable Oni aura is part of what brought him to this. Don't make it worse! Remember, as a pureblood Oni you have no idea what he's going through! Kazama frightened you and you suffered some backlash, but eventually you would have found your own way. This is not a natural form for him! Amagiri is helping him rebuild part of himself."
Tears streamed down Chizuru's cheeks, but she bowed to Kimigiku.
"Gomenasai, Kimigiku-san. I'll remember this time."
She scrubbed violently at her cheeks, trying to find a thread of calm in herself despite those wrenching screams. Osen-chan – the girls had not remained formal – had warned her that in order to help she had to lend her strength and empathy instead of contacting Saitō-san directly in any way.
Saitō-san was usually the very stillness she thought of when she needed to control her emotions or lessen the impact of the feelings of others around her. Tonight she had to play the other part and she felt distressingly inadequate.
She took a deep breath. In her mind she started to create a list of all the plants in the garden that Saitō, more than anyone, had helped her create. Then she added images, the uses of each plant, things that had worked and less successful experiments. Finally she added the lilac that Hijikata-san had brought her, remembering the feel of the seeds, the scent of the plants. Adding Hijikata-san's stern face to her mental template helped too.
To her surprise, there was a wave of relief from the Oni princess. Arigatou, Chizuru-chan. Just hold on, please. I have to help Amagiri now.
Amagiri had acted as a principal in the Ritual of Body three times before. Twice on behalf of his younger brothers, with his father watching carefully to ensure all went well. The third time… had not gone well. He had agreed to assist a young half-blood whose father was desperate for his son to be able to control the power that had started consuming him. Amagiri's parents had both advised against trying to help. They were sympathetic, but had had first-hand experience with powerful half-bloods who simply could not survive the brutal physical ritual required for any significant training to take place. It was ironic that the Ritual of Body, usually the least demanding of the Rituals for young purebloods, was rarely survived by the part-Oni.
Amagiri reminded himself that he'd never seen a case like Saitō's. When they had met at the Ikedaya he had been shocked that the man was already changing into an Oni, physically. While part-bloods frequently had some kind of active powers when raised in Oni communities, the physical change only took place with deliberate intervention. It was the reason that the Oni had given up any hope of producing pureblood children from unions involving part-bloods or, worse, humans.
In any event, his attempt to help his friend's young son had been a disaster. The teenager's attempt at physical adaptation had resulted in the severe scarring along both of Amagiri's arms that was still healing now, almost ten years later. Essentially he had burned up, clawing and screaming and begging his father's friend for help until the moment he died. Sen-hime claimed that the lingering scars wouldn't fully heal until Amagiri resolved his feelings over that episode.
Saitō is different, he reminded himself, even as he murmured the first words of the Ritual of Body and felt the white light flow into his hands. He felt the lean, muscled chest under his left hand convulse as the magic took hold of the man's body. He held his right hand steady against the forehead. There was a lot to be said for being physically strong in these situations, he thought grimly.
The first scream shook through his ears and his mind. He ignored it and allowed the magic to continue to flow along the drawn skin, caressing every bone and hollow. Soon, Saitō's body was ablaze in white light and Amagiri was using a significant portion of his full strength to hold the man in place as he screamed his agony through mind as well as body.
Amagiri looked briefly across at the man's commanders, now kneeling by the door, and felt a flicker of surprise when the one with purple eyes met his gaze with a glare through eyes that had narrowed to slits. Then the red-haired demon breathed out and on that breath joined his consciousness to the man he held.
He let the first wave of pain take him and allowed himself to feel it fully, testing himself against it and finding it not quite unbearable. Then he allowed his disciplined mind to start shunting the worst of it away so that he could focus on saving Saitō.
The man's mind was alight in red and gold fire as the nervous system registered every change to flesh, bone and sinew. Amagiri's first check showed Saitō to be not only sane but – against all odds – conscious. He had thought that he would have to rouse the man before being able to help him cope with the change. Instead he found a core of steel within the raging fire in mind and body.
Amagiri… -san? A thread of a voice, but there. Amagiri had to clamp down on his relief.
I am here. You are my kin, I will not let you go.
I want to live. But if I live how can I repay you?
There is no need. What is done for family, for love, must be freely given and freely accepted. For you, accepting is much harder than giving. I know you.
How? Saitō knew it to be true, but it made no sense.
I do not know. Perhaps we've met before, in another life.
Perhaps.
A long time seemed to pass after that, as mind and body fought. Pain was alleviated simply by being shared. But eventually even the steel started to wear away. Amagiri forced the man to remain conscious. He was so close to succeeding… and he wasn't sure if he meant himself or Saitō.
You must stay with me.
…Yes.
The gift freely given must also be freely accepted.
…
This, then, was to be the final battle. Amagiri felt the consciousness waver again, felt physical pain blossom in his palms as white light ignited into fire. He tried once more as flames scorched his wrists.
Hajime I am with you. Stay with me.
Sen-hime's small hands closed over Amagiri's, and he had a strange image of both the Princess, with her sweet smile and bright eyes, and an unknown demon girl, with silvery-white horns and tears on her cheeks.
Saitō-taichō I am with you. You are safe.
Saitō-san I need you. Don't leave me.
And then it was over.
Amagiri raised his eyes to Sen-hime's. The double-image was no longer there.
The Princess smiled at him through her tears.
"He is alive and he will live, Amagiri," she said softly. "You have done well."
And you have chosen well, Chizuru-chan, she added to herself.
A/Note:
"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how"
- Demons, Imagine Dragons