Author's Note:

So... I know it's been a few days. I won't mention RL, but I do want to tell you about tumblr. I started a blog just to see how it worked and so that I could post some Hakuouki images. Tumblr isn't real life.

Then... a lovely Hakuouki fan and long-time tumblr type person called masayume85 decided to do a big giveaway featuring many fine Hakuouki collectibles including, coincidentally, a little Saitō figure. Plus! A Hakuouki Shinkai twin pack containing limited editions of Kaza no Shou and Hana no Shou (plus assorted awesomeness)!

And amazingly... I won the giveaway and I am a very, very happy ImpracticalOni. So... yeah. That was last night. :)

Please wish with me that Canada Post does not go on strike next week. Then Saitō-san will be stuck in transit. Speaking of whom...

Real Author's Note:

Ahem! Please ignore the babbling. ImpracticalOni needs to get more sleep.

As always, thank you to all those who have been reading this story and welcome to those who may have joined more recently.

I decided that there were still a few things I needed to write in order to properly conclude that last chapter. Both people and relationships are complicated.

I admit that I delayed posting this chapter; I'll explain after you've had a chance to read!

- ImpracticalOni

Chapter 36 – Understandings and Misunderstandings

[I - Chizuru & Saitō]

Chizuru listened in absorbed silence as Saitō-san explained that Sen-hime, Amagiri-san and Kimigiku-san had given the three Shinsengumi visitors a general understanding of their most probable origins. She was shocked by Shiranui-sama's behaviour and saddened by Shiranui Kyo-san's distress, even though she didn't know the man and Saitō-san described his reactions only briefly. Of course, she was more concerned about Hijikata-san, Harada-san and Saitō-san, but she still felt a connection to the Oni who now claimed her as their kin. After all, hadn't they come to help Saitō-san when they were needed?

It was a strange thing, this awareness of who and what she was. The information about her father – Yukimura-sensei – she had to keep setting aside, although it was like trying to ignore a toothache while eating a meal. But she had been noticing changes in herself since she taken her other form, or maybe it was just that now she was seeing things through the right lens. In any event, without the induced or possibly self-perceived limitations, she was aware of deep reserves of stamina and a sense of her own body that amazed her. It was as if she had been only half-awake before.

For the most part, she listened attentively, trying to stay unobtrusive, as Saitō-san relayed the information that he and Hijikata-san were half-brothers, and perhaps Harada-san too. She could tell that Saitō-san was somehow troubled by the knowledge, not on his own account exactly, but because he was uncertain of Hijikata-san's reactions and whether it would affect the unspoken – always unspoken! – bond between the two of them that he valued so highly.

"Why would Hijikata-san mind?" she finally asked aloud, unaware that she had been drawing inferences directly from Saitō's emotions and thoughts.

The man holding her shifted almost imperceptibly, but it was enough to tell her that she had caught him off-guard. She wondered if he realised that when she was this close she could feel his breath on her hair and hear his heart beating. His scent she knew now as if it were a part of herself; it had comforted her almost from the first night that he had watched over her, although she still didn't really know why. Now that she was no longer crying, she had a strong desire to turn around and press herself closer into his chest. It was disconcerting.

"I think that it is harder for the Vice Commander than it is for me to discover that his family, his parents, are not as he thought they were," Saitō was saying quietly. "He might even question his right to use his family name or to stay in communication with his sister, of whom I believe he is fond. I do not wish to remind him of something so troubling. I am of more use to him if he does not feel regret or uncertainty every time he sees me."

"Do you feel the same way about your family?" Chizuru asked curiously. She had never thought much about how little she knew of the past history of the man with his arms around her. It was odd, when she considered it, since she had picked up enough about most of the others to have at least a passing knowledge of their general backgrounds and families.

"I am not in the same position as the Vice Commander," was Saitō's rather oblique reply. When she didn't speak, he continued, although with obvious reluctance. "Unlike Hijikata-san, I knew – or thought I knew – my father, but I frustrated him and he was not fond of me. For one thing, I did not succeed in the dojos in which he enrolled me, despite being quick and strong for my age and size. For another, I looked… different."

"Different? Because of your eyes?"

There was soft puff of breath she took for a short laugh. It would be easier to see if she turned around, but shyness kept her where she was.

"Well, and my hair. Purple isn't such a common hair colour in Japan, Yukimura."

"It's indigo, not purple. Like an extra-extra-dark blue but kind of… well, a bit purple-y." She had to stop, partly because she had the feeling that he was laughing at her and partly because she thought his hair was wonderful and she didn't want to say so and embarrass them both even more. "Um… what about brothers or sisters?"

Chizuru felt the sense of amusement stop immediately.

"I was not close to my older brother and I saw little of my older sister even before she married," Saitō said flatly. And I had to give up my family name and my home after I killed the hatamoto's son. My family is here with the Shinsengumi.

"You killed a hatamoto's son?" Chizuru asked in a whisper, shocked.

An instant later she found herself gently but firmly moved back and turned around so that Saitō-san could see her face. She almost cried out, not at the handling, but rather at the loss of warmth, both physical and mental.

"I did not say that aloud," Saitō noted, his face expressionless.

Chizuru realised that his barriers were securely back in place. She was cut off from his mind, even though she hadn't fully understood that the connection was there in the first place. She felt bereft.

"Sumimasen deshita, Saitō-san. I didn't know what I was doing…"

The strong hands still holding her upper arms relaxed a little, but his face remained grave.

"I know, Yukimura. My own secrets I could share with you – though I would rather not do it by accident – but there are other secrets that you cannot find out from me." His dark blue eyes were fixed on her dark brown ones, both searching and a little sad. "And… many of the secrets I know, of either kind, are… not very pleasant."

Chizuru wrapped her arms around her knees, staring up at him. His remoteness frightened her. She couldn't sense what he was thinking or feeling. It dawned on her, then, that he had always been able to shut people out; therefore, consciously or unconsciously he must have let her in to begin with.

"Yukimura…" Saitō hesitated, then said slowly: "I will speak with Amagiri-san this evening, to find out if it is possible for me to conceal those things that I am not permitted to tell you. I did not foresee this problem."

Much to her surprise, he brushed her hair away from her face, leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss onto her forehead. It was probably not intended to be more than a quick, reassuring gesture, but Chizuru found it utterly unnerving. She felt a sensation like a rush of warm adrenaline from her core to the tips of her fingers, and for a moment she stopped breathing. Her face flushed deeply, but she couldn't tell whether it was the disproportionate response or embarrassment or both. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), they were both startled enough to draw apart completely.

She saw that Saitō-san had also reddened, and he looked – upset? In any event, he rose immediately and crossed to the door, collecting his katana on the way.

"I am very sorry, Yukimura. I must go. Forgive me."

He was gone before she could formulate a protest.

Confused and still emotionally shaken by all the information, especially about her ersatz father, Chizuru remained sitting there, her arms still wrapped around her knees. Her pulse was racing, but she felt her eyes fill with tears. What had she done to send him away like that? Was he afraid of telling her other things that she wasn't supposed to know? Had she offended him because she had overreacted to something as simple and as lightly meant as a kiss on the forehead?

She sat there miserably wondering what else she might have done wrong. Maybe he was just disappointed because not only did she lack the self-control to stay out of his head but she seemed to be trying to throw herself into his arms, which was hardly appropriate behaviour.

Some twenty minutes later, an easily recognizable voice called out "shitsurei shimasu". (1) Chizuru jumped up in alarm, wondering why the Vice Commander would come by. She hastily scrubbed at her eyes and cheeks. There wasn't time to do anything more.

"Please come in."

Hijikata-san entered, gestured for her to sit down and closed the door. She automatically looked for Saitō-san, but the Vice Commander was alone.

She knew that it had been a long day for the Shinsengumi leader, but his expression was surprisingly sympathetic. Chizuru bowed.

"Konnichiwa, Hijikata-san." (2)

He nodded and seated himself cross-legged across from Chizuru.

"We seem to have a problem, Yukimura."

She waited politely, still trying to conceal her distress as much as possible.

"I understand that Saitō brought you disturbing news about your father."

"Yes, Hijikata-san."

"I am told that you handled it as well as possible."

"Thank you…"

"You then discussed some other issues concerning the Oni, including the fact that Saitō and I may be related to each other and – well, about half the Oni in existence apparently. Correct?"

"Yes?" She realized that her response sounded like a question, but she was feeling rather bewildered.

"Finally, just when you had more than enough to think about, Saitō became concerned because you were picking up more information from him than you should. I'm assured that this was in no way your fault. Then, having upset you by behaving improperly, he ran away."

Chizuru made a sharp gesture of denial.

"No! He – Saitō-san – wouldn't run away from anything. Not out of fear."

Hijikata-san actually smiled. Chizuru wondered why he seemed so relaxed when Saitō-san had said or implied that he was upset over the news of his (probable) parentage. Of course, Hijikata-san was probably used to having deal with everyone's problems in addition to his own. It was mortifying to be one of those problems.

"Well, not to cast aspersions on the courage of the Third Division Captain, but in this case it does sound to me as though he behaved rather shamefully. To be clear, though, did he actually behave improperly? It seems very unlike him, but I will take your word on whatever happened."

"What? No!" Chizuru stared at her unexpected guest. For a man who was usually so stern, he appeared to be amused by the strangest things. "But, Hijikata-san, who would tell you such a story?"

The truth dawned on her even as she finished the question.

"Saitō," Hijikata told her. "Very reluctantly, of course. Only concern for your well-being drove him to it."

"Oh," Chizuru responded rather faintly. "I'm very sorry. There was no need to disturb you. I'm fine."

"Yes, I can see that," the Vice Commander said dryly, eyeing the tear-stained cheeks, reddened eyes and unusually woebegone expression. "But Saitō asked me to make sure. Since he never asks for much of anything, I agreed to stop by."

Chizuru nodded.

"By the way," Hijikata added, standing up, "I need you to look after dinner, if you can."

"Really? I mean, yes, I'd be happy to."

"I'd like to get this place running properly again, and the schedule's a mess. Also, see if you can cheer up Heisuke will you? He's still fretting over what happened to him I think."

"Heisuke-kun? Of course! And I'll start dinner right away, Hijikata-san! I am sorry to have caused any difficulties."

She bowed as the Vice Commander saw himself out.

[II - The Vice Commander]

Hijikata slid the door closed with a certain amount of satisfaction. He needed about a week's sleep and he was sick of complications, but the girl would feel better with something productive to do. And they would all eat better since Shinpachi was an indifferent cook and Harada was understandably, but annoyingly distracted at the moment.

Plus he had gotten to see Saitō totally discomposed again. While this was not ideal in the man who was effectively his executive officer, on the bright side it was undeniably a useful experience for the Third Division Captain. Frankly, by the age of twenty, and in this company of ronin, you'd think he'd have gotten his head around at least some of ways in which love and lust could get tangled up. Not that Saitō had put it that way of course. He'd said as little as possible while still being – marginally – comprehensible.

Fortunately for both of them, Hijikata had a better understanding than most of his subordinate's strange combination of ruthlessness, honour and… call it morality. The Vice Commander reflected that it would be proper for an older brother to explain to a younger one how to cope better with what appeared to be his first love affair, but he still thought that Saitō was capable of sorting matters out for himself and would undeniably prefer it that way.

Brothers… That part of it was strange but not too strange. Now if it had been Sōji… well, that wouldn't have changed his relationship with Sōji much either, probably. But it did make him curious to know if they were in fact related somehow, since all the Oni seemed to be as inextricably connected as any of the imperial houses.

He slid open the door to his own quarters, nodded to the indigo-haired man waiting there, and watched him in silence as he bowed and left. They wouldn't be seeing Saitō at dinner.

Hijikata stood thinking for a moment, before going out again to talk to Harada. Although he was honestly concerned about Yukimura having some kind of thought-reading ability and finding out things that she shouldn't, the girl posed a far smaller threat than Amagiri-san who apparently now knew a lot of what Saitō did. Hijikata still hadn't decided what to do about that. Kondō-san and Gen-san would likely be back in the next day or two and that meant deciding exactly what to tell them about everything that had happened.

There was just too much to take into account. Well, where Saitō was concerned, if the damned red-haired Oni couldn't find a way to reassure the man, one way or another, then Hijikata would probably have to play the older brother role after all. Useful experience was one thing, but after a while it could get too painful to watch. Not to mention that they all had a job to do outside of the sphere of this Oni-spawned madness.

[III - Harada]

Harada had been more than happy to be relieved of cooking duty, partly because Chizuru would provide a much better meal and partly because he didn't want to hear another retelling of Shinpachi's brilliance in uncovering the latest Chōshu spy. He had mixed feelings about Hijikata's decision to have him accompany Saitō to pay a visit on Sen-hime and Amagiri-san. On the one hand it would be good to learn more about the Oni, and Sen-hime and her bodyguard seemed to be lovely, interesting and intelligent women. Also, he was curious about the way the princess had been watching him; he still wasn't sure how he felt about Chizuru just at the moment, but he thought that Sen-hime might be fun to talk to. On the other hand, he could use a night off and a lot of sleep.

He had a notion that Hijikata-san felt the same way, but he didn't like to make assumptions about the Vice Commander. He was generally on good terms with the man, and he admired him as a leader and a warrior, but it seemed that their most comfortable relationship was as commander and subordinate; they rarely stepped beyond those bounds. Shinpachi was on more of an equal footing with Hijikata-san, but self-confidence was Shinpachi's great strength (apart from his vaunted muscles) and Harada thought that sometimes the Vice Commander must appreciate somebody who didn't constantly look to him for direction.

Well, not that Sōji looked to Hijikata for direction except when required or as a last resort, but that was different. Watching Sōji with Kondō-san and Hijikata-san in the same room was always an experience, though it was best to remain strictly an observer. Plus, it was an experience that happened too often, but then life in a close-knit organization was like that. Harada sometimes wondered if Sōji and Saitō knew how much alike they were in worshipping their respective idols, even if otherwise the two captains were very different from each other. Maybe it was part of the reason that they usually managed to get along quite well, although that might seem contradictory.

He shook his head as if to clear it and smiled to himself. He must be getting old to be thinking like this. So… he would have dinner, check in on Heisuke, and then he and Saitō would head off to a fine evening out. Saitō would no doubt spend a couple of hours with the slightly forbidding Amagiri-san, and Harada would hopefully spend the same time with Sen-hime and Kimigiku-san, probably more pleasantly. It didn't sound that bad, really, when he thought of it that way. And at some point, with time, he'd be more comfortable in Saitō's company again.

A/Note:

The reason I found it difficult to post this chapter is that I have a particular image of Saitō in my head and he's pretty close to perfect.

So it's hard to write about the imperfect Saitō and share him with an audience. But to give him some credit, it's been a very, very rough couple of days and this is not how he wanted things to go. I truly think that he would have handled things much better without all the "Oni-spawned madness". And in case you're wondering, yes, many of the non-Oni involved (including Chizuru and Saitō in that description for now) are dealing with more than what is on the surface.

As always, your comments and reviews are appreciated. The next chapter should be fun!

I did control myself a little bit: I didn't call Part II "Big Brother is Watching You". But I wanted to.

Under the heading of "better late than never, but gee this is late":

(1) "shitsurei shimasu" = "excuse me", typically used when entering or leaving a room (honestly, in the anime it sounds like "stregimas")

(2) "konnichiwa" = good day, but in this context "good afternoon"; use this when it isn't appropriate to use "good morning" or "good evening" or "good night"