Author's Note:

To misquote one of my all-time favourite characters, Harada Sanosuke: An author does not make excuses.

I do try to write two chapters a week, or thereabouts, but sometimes it doesn't happen.

Thank you as always to my readers, reviewers and those who send wonderful PMs to me on their own birthdays (you know who you are).

I will have to postpone personal acknowledgments until next chapter - but I won't forget!

\(^u^)/

Chapter 47 – Social Graces

Saitō Hajime looked at his face in the small mirror that hung by the door in the bathing chamber. He studied his reflection with more attention than usual, his expression almost quizzical, as if he were trying to solve a mystery that intrigued him despite himself.

It was small wonder that others had always looked at him warily or muttered behind his back. His face was unremarkable, if a little too fine-boned for a man, in his own opinion. But when you had blue eyes and indigo hair it didn't really matter – you stood out. Eventually, after many years of wishing – desperately at times – not to be noticed, people stopped noticing him. Of course, he understood better now why those wishes had come true.

Quixotically, having learned to go unnoticed, he had then done things that brought him unwanted attention. He was much stronger and faster than his size would suggest, as both his elder brother and the local boys had found out; but not using his best efforts in a fight seemed deceitful to him and he refused to run. Also, he had refused to give up his left-handed stance and had been beaten for it. Having a high tolerance for physical pain, but a low tolerance for emotional upheaval, he had minded the anger and disappointment directed at him by his father and older brother more than the beatings, at least early on. It was fortunate that he healed quickly, however. By his early teens he had been stigmatized as a cheat with a sword and "unnatural" with his fists and feet; eventually, nobody would fight him. Ostensibly, this was due to his heretical left-handed stance; the truth was that as he grew out of childhood, his abilities surpassed those of both his father and the local masters, and after a certain age he never lost.

In retrospect, he didn't mind having been forced to give up the Yamaguchi name after the disastrous duel and his father's violent reaction to his so-called disgrace. But at the time he had missed having a family and a lord to serve (if only in concept). Kondō-san and Hijikata-san had given him a place, and belonging to the Shinsengumi had allowed him to regain his sense of honour and purpose. His loyalty to both the men and the organization had always been unshakeable. He had never imagined that it could be shaken. And yet...

Saitō had always known without a doubt that a sword's purpose was to kill. He had always believed that to be a warrior was to accept that you lived and expected to die by the sword. Clearly, too, you didn't kill or die unless it was necessary; in either case, orders removed your right to choose because somebody above you had made the choice for you. But earlier today, he had chosen not to kill simply because it would bother Yukimura.

Had it been the right decision? Aside from anything else, if the men remained the prisoners of the Shinsengumi, they would likely soon be facing a choice between death and the ochimizu. They had been enemy warriors carrying swords, not just thugs or petty thieves. Assuming it didn't kill them outright, the so-called Water of Life would turn them into monsters with a precarious hold on sanity. Saitō's decision not to kill his attackers was not as clean or simple as the girl believed. Even without the ochimizu, a captive enemy could be imprisoned indefinitely, beaten, tortured… Occasionally, a prisoner was used as a hold over a concerned family, or a ransom was demanded. What would Yukimura think of such things?

It always came back to her. Lately she seemed to creep into his thoughts far too often for comfort. He had finally accepted that it bothered him that the other captains used her first name so freely; he wished that they wouldn't and knew that he wished in vain. But he didn't want to use her name the way they did – as though she were a child, or a younger sister. He wanted to be her lover, wanted it far more fiercely than most people would believe possible from him.

He stood there for another minute, studying his face in the mirror and trying to understand what she saw when she looked at him. Even though her mind and heart were open to him, he could find no logic in her absolute trust and unreserved admiration. It baffled and embarrassed him… and was also gratifying, which worried him, because it showed him how far he had gone down a dangerous path.

Yukimura had spent almost seven months now as some kind of prisoner. For all that Kondō-san called her a guest, the past few weeks had seen some of her first steps outside their walls since the beginning of the year and she was not permitted to leave without an escort. It was strange that she had endured so much and still showed no shadow of it in her mind or soul – or at least none that he could see. But he was afraid that she cared for him only out of the need to establish a link with her captors. And she was still devastatingly innocent; she simply did not understand that he – that all of them – had been involved in assassinations and intrigue, in torture and in ruthless killing.

Clean and dressed, he left the bathing chamber, still unsettled, still wanting to see her. And then, on his way out, it occurred to him that Chizuru – Yukimura – might appreciate having a mirror for her room at the Shinsengumi headquarters. He mentally added it to his list of things to do. Because for all of his deep reservations, he had concluded last night (once he had been able to think properly again), that it should now be acceptable for him to look after Yukimura more directly than he had so far. He would find her a suitable mirror.

Of course, he was supposed to be thinking about the two items that Kyūju-san had raised with him about an hour after Saitō had arrived: first, that his mentor would be leaving sooner than expected to report back to Kazama (which had to do with Shiranui Kyō); and second, that Saitō should be preparing himself to attempt the Trial of Soul later today. They had actually worked toward what needed to be done for the last hour, and Saitō was confident that it would be fine. As far as he could tell, it just required a clear mind and a certain amount of concentration.

When he reached the doors outside the main reception area (dismayed by how difficult it was not to think about holding Yukimura now that he was going to see her again shortly), he found Kyūju-san waiting for him. The tall, red-haired Oni was looking torn between amusement and exasperation. It was an expression that seemed familiar to Saitō, and a moment later he identified it as one that the Vice Commander often wore. Usually when dealing with Harada, Nagakura and Heisuke. Less often when dealing with Sōji, because annoyance usually far outweighed humour in those cases.

"Shitsurei," murmured Saitō, "I hope I wasn't too long?"

"Not at all," Amagiri replied politely. He gave Saito a side-long glance. "But I am somewhat concerned about… lunch."

Saitō was thoroughly puzzled by the remark, so he said nothing.

"Still, I can understand why they wanted to give the girl – excuse me – Yukimura-sama a chance to celebrate," Amagiri continued. "And as I am strictly forbidden from telling you anything, we may as well go in and get the worst over with."

Feeling a little alarmed, but outwardly impassive, Saitō nodded and knelt to open the door for Amagiri. The bigger man stepped into the room, knelt and bowed formally to the women assembled at the low table. Taking his cue, Saitō did the same. It was only when he raised his head that he discovered the peril of his situation.

Kimigiku-san was dressed as she usually was in this house, but he didn't really see her in any event. He was dimly aware that Sen-hime was dressed more formally than before, and that the colours and the fabric of her kimono made her appear both very pretty and even more of a princess than she had before. Not surprisingly, almost all of his attention was on Chizuru, who he had never seen dressed in women's clothing, let alone in a silk kimono and wide, patterned obi. Her hair, too, was no longer pulled back into a haphazard boy's pony-tail with long bangs concealing a third of her face. She looked even lovelier and more desirable than before and utterly beyond his reach.

Large, deep brown eyes were now set below a wide, serious brow; her borrowed pink and indigo kimono and pale pink under-kimono made her smooth skin appear even softer. Her dark, silky hair had obviously been brushed and carefully pinned up; and unlike a boy's or man's kimono, the woman's kimono left the nape of her neck deliberately bare.

There was no comedic moment of wondering who she was. He recognized her perfectly. But the whole thing now seemed even more impossible. He couldn't breathe, which seemed very foolish, and longing swept him from head to foot. He genuinely didn't care if he had gone red because he couldn't do anything about it. The hands resting on his thighs were clenched. He heard Amagiri-san say something, from his left, but he couldn't make it out.

Apparently, Kimigiku decided to intervene at that point. She directed a withering look at Amagiri, who shrugged.

"Amagiri-san, Saitō-san, please come in. We are having tea while we wait for Harada-san to join us in about half-an-hour."

Mentally, Saitō heard two voices in his head:

Saitō-san, I advise you to take a deep breath and tell her that she looks very nice – right now she thinks she has offended you somehow. That was Kimigiku-san and she sounded kinder than he had expected.

Hajime-kun, you have all my sympathy but for the gods' sake – and your own – pull yourself together. Also, you're giving Yukimura-sama fits and Sen-hime can't stop laughing although she's trying not to. Amagiri-san, of course.

It was amazing what having two powerful minds soothing you could do, Saitō thought. And neither had breached his privacy, although he was feeling singularly defenseless at that moment.

He managed to bow again to Sen-hime and Yukimura-san.

"You both look very lovely. Thank you for the compliment."

There, that should be just about right. He had heard the Vice Commander say that before and had filed it away for later use (while hoping that later use would not be necessary). A warrior should be equipped with the right weapons for all situations, he thought wryly. Hijikata-san had remarked once before that Saitō's manners were excellent, except around women when he said nothing at all and made them feel glowered at. Since he knew that he didn't glower at people, he had to assume that the Vice Commander had been less than serious.

He remembered wondering what compliment Hijikata-san had meant. Apparently Harada had noticed his puzzlement, because the spearman had told him that the Vice Commander meant the compliment to the men of the ladies having taken the time and made the effort to dress so nicely. It was rather complicated.

He was recovering very quickly from his shock, he realized, and tore his eyes away from Yukimura long enough to give a polite, mental thank you to Kimigiku-san and Amagiri-san, who immediately stopped "hovering". He walked over to Sen-hime and Yukimura (he was really going to have to decide how to address her in his own mind) and took the place that the Princess indicated – beside Yukimura of course.

He braced for the heady rush, and sure enough, he could feel the electric feeling he always got now when they were close, especially when he could make out her scent. However, he had himself together now, and despite Yukimura's closeness and attire he managed to sit and drink tea and listen with genuine interest as Kimigiku-san explained that "Chizuru-sama" had passed the second Trial.

His composure faltered a bit every time he looked sideways at her, however, and he had a slight qualm about Harada's imminent presence. It finally impinged on his besotted brain (he felt he understood the word better now) that Sen-hime was looking forward rather nervously to his colleague's arrival. He remembered now that the Princess had seemed interested before, and suddenly hoped that she wouldn't be hurt. As fixated as he was on Yukimura, he had liked Sen-hime from the start and still remembered her kindness when he had been so desperately fevered.

"Sen-hime," he said quietly, "you have been very generous with your time and your home. We are indebted to you. I hope that you will allow us to help you in the future if it is ever necessary."

The Princess looked very surprised and then gave him one of her attractive, open smiles.

"Thank you Saitō-san. I'm hoping that I will get to know all of the friends that my cousin has made while she has been in Kyoto. I will remember your kind offer. There is obviously a great deal to sort out still, but I do hope that we can eventually be family other than just on paper, so to speak."

Saitō nodded, not sure what to say, but then he remembered something that Harada had been telling Nagakura just recently: "women prefer verbal responses, so don't just nod or whatever." Saitō tried not to fill in the other part of Sano-san's advice but failed: "unless you are kissing them – that's usually an acceptable non-verbal response, as long as they're interested in kissing you back."

At that moment, he felt Yukimura's shift closer to him, and the chance to decide what to say to Sen-hime was lost. Fortunately, Yukimura continued the conversation quite naturally.

"I'm looking forward to getting to know you better as well, Osen-chan," she said a little shyly. "And I know I have a lot to learn about the… the Oni."

Amagiri set down his teacup. He had been mostly silent during the past twenty minutes, his face as impassive as usual.

"I will go open the door for Harada-san," he said. "He is almost here."

Sen-hime nodded, and just for a moment, Saitō thought he sensed anxiety. It had been brave of her, he realized, and very generous, to have given Yukimura the opportunity to look her best at this meal. He found himself hoping that Harada would appreciate and value the gesture, and the strength shown by the person who had made it. He probably would – it was the kind of thing that he would notice and understand.

He still felt slightly uneasy with the other man, he realized, and he regretted it. Harada had done nothing wrong and had behaved – was behaving – admirably. Despite this, Saitō had to work a little to preserve his calm, quiet demeanour when the tall spearman entered the room and bowed. Women were attracted to Harada, who was friendly and open and smiled more than he frowned.

Another of those – recently – irrepressible thoughts crossed Saitō's mind: it probably doesn't hurt that he goes around half-dressed. He countered it quickly with the reminder that from his own observation, it was Harada's careful attention and unfailing courtesy that really made the difference. The truth was that none of the captains other than himself and Inoue-san (who was about twenty years his senior) would be considered "fully dressed" by that standard.

He sensed and then heard Harada approaching, felt another flicker of nervousness from Sen-hime, and almost jumped when Chizuru's fingers clasped his, pulling his hand from his thigh. He turned to look at her, gently squeezing her fingers in return but releasing them as quickly as he could. He was not going to be able to concentrate if she pressed his hand against her leg as she was about to.

He managed a slight smile – hopefully reassuring – and murmured: "I wish them all the best as well, Yukimura."

Fortunately, the door opened before he needed to say or do any more. Amagiri came in first, followed by Harada, who greeted Kimigiku-san with his usual cheerful courtesy before turning to the two younger women and Saitō. Saitō was greatly relieved when he saw Sano-san – with all of his years of experience with women – blink several times before coming forward to bow. On the other hand, the spearman was clearly far more composed than Saitō had been.

For one thing, although Harada was clearly surprised and impressed by Chizuru's appearance (Saitō was losing his private battle on the name, he noticed), he turned an appreciative look on both girls and bowed reasonably impartially to both, even to Saitō's watchful eye. For another thing, Saitō couldn't read anything other than his surface emotions. It was rather remarkable. He had never considered Harada particularly unreadable, but the man had clearly been working – on his own, it would seem – to develop the Oni Gifts at his immediate disposal.

Saitō's appreciation for the man's ability and evident discipline dispelled his unease, for some reason. As greetings were exchanged, and Harada took a seat just around the corner of the table from Sen, he was not surprised to hear a cautious, non-verbal greeting.

Patrol went well this morning, but the city's definitely uneasy and I'd say there's a fight brewing. Understand that you ran into trouble?

No. When Harada glanced at him, surprised by the response, Saitō conveyed a glimmer of amusement. They weren't any trouble.

The red-head had to stifle an involuntary laugh.

Yeah, so I heard. Everything okay here? The girls look very nice don't they…?

Strangely, Saitō felt a sense of wistfulness, more than anything else, from the other man. It forced him to reconsider some of his views – or at least add to them. If somebody had asked him what he thought of Harada, his first response would have been that the spearman was strong, skilled and very reliable where the Shinsengumi were concerned. His next response would have been that Harada was an effective and disciplined leader, who generally got along well with everyone but didn't always take well to orders that he didn't agree with. Beyond that, on a more personal level, he thought that the other man was generous, good-hearted and fond of sake and drinking with friends.

Harada evidently admired women and they seemed to return the compliment. However, to the best of Saitō's knowledge (which was actually very good, thanks to Yamazaki and his own observations), he did not currently have an established mistress in Kyoto. He flirted easily, would sometimes go out with local girls, but was careful not to cross certain lines. Saitō had been of the opinion that Harada had considered marriage before, but not very seriously; now he wondered if he his judgment had been flawed.

Hey… careful how you tread… remember?

Dark blue eyes met amber eyes that were still friendly but a little guarded, and Saitō realized that he had unconsciously been doing to Harada what Harada had done to him previously.

Gomenasai, Sano-san. Yes, Sen-hime and … Yukimura look very nice.

Even as Saitō apologized, Harada was turning to Sen-hime with a rueful smile.

"When I suggested having tea together, I had not realized that you would invite Chizuru-chan, Amagiri-san, your bodyguard, and Saitō."

Sen-hime, who had been looking a little troubled, since she could tell that the Shinsengumi had been speaking silently together, brightened and her eyes glinted mischievously.

"Well, as Chizuru-chan will tell you, I'm very fond of dango, so I was hoping that we could go out sometime after lunch. If you want to get tea then, I don't mind."

"I think that dango could be managed, and I'm glad that you don't mind tea. How do you feel about sake?"

He was teasing her, just a little, but without the edge that he'd shown during his last visit. Sen was relieved, as were most of the other people around the table.

The conversation progressed from there, and for the most part Saitō sat back and watched the others, fully aware that Amagiri-san was watching him as well. From time to time, he would steal looks at Yukimura, who rapidly grew more comfortable as lunch was served and it was clear that everyone was getting along. Only once, early in the meal, did Harada turn directly to the smiling girl to compliment her on how she looked. He managed somehow to be both admiring and reassuring without making Saitō more than slightly twitchy; that done, he directed most of the rest of his conversation to Sen-hime and Kimigiku-san.

It was a masterful balancing act, and appreciated as such by everyone at the table to one degree or another. What Harada himself thought was difficult to decipher. The emotions behind the smiling eyes and the infectious grin remained hard to pin down. And yet, Saitō had never seen him raise hopes where he wasn't interested. So his best guess, for what it was worth, was that Harada was in fact attracted to Princess Sen, but still letting go of however he had felt about Yukimura.

At that point, Kimigiku started to clear the table, and both Saitō and Harada rose to help her.

"We're used to it," Harada grinned. "And you've done almost all the work so far."

Saitō found himself nodding and hurriedly added: "It is no trouble, Kimigiku-san."

Kimigiku laughed and turned to Amagiri.

"Well, Amagiri-san, then I will leave you to entertain the girls for a little while."

"They do not need me, Kimigiku-san… they are well able to entertain each other."

"Do you play an instrument, Amagiri?" Sen asked impishly.

Chizuru smiled nervously, and Saitō had to resist the urge to pat her on the head reassuringly.

Why? Kimigiku asked him silently. You are hers and she is yours. No matter what you think, Amagiri and I – and Sen-hime – see it clearly enough. And it is very difficult to change or ignore such a bond, as your… mentor… knows. Why so reluctant to show your affection young warrior?

Saitō resisted the urge to react violently, although it was appealing. Instead, he considered her words, turned to Yukimura, and gently touched her shoulder. She gave him such a happy look in return that he instantly forgave Kimigiku-san for intruding on his thoughts.

It then occurred to him that if Sen-hime and Harada were going out together for a while, maybe he could spend some time with Yukimura. He glanced at Amagiri-san. The Oni seemed to have read his mind.

"Once you have finished helping Kimigiku-san, we will meditate, and then you will attempt the Trial of Soul."

Saitō bowed to the inevitable.

A/Note: While a little introspective, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review if you have a moment, or feel free to drop me a line.

Best wishes... from ImpracticalOni.