Author's Note: I now have officially played more Fallout 4 (317 hours) than I have played Fallout New Vegas (308 hours). Thought that was interesting. Carry on.

A wrecked road lay before Captain Scruffy. He was plugging away toward Diamond City, following the crazy clue of a half-baked jet junkie toward his missing son, who he didn't even care about, so he could advance the main plot far enough to achieve total Commonwealth domination. He knew that domination was a long way off, but he was all about enjoying the journey. He had his trusty tire iron by his side, and he felt safe and warm within his new suit of power armor. It was quite womb-like, actually.

This road, however, was anything but lonesome. Along the way he had already had several encounters with would-be subjects. The first one was a trader named Trashcan Carla. She asked if he was going to trade, ask for directions to Diamond City, or just rob her. He laughed nervously. Then he sold all of his items of value to her, and purchased a pair of sunglasses (for cool factor) and a dirty fedora (for creepy old man factor). Oh, and then he decked her upside the head with his tire iron until she stopped twitching. And did the same with her pack Brahmin. Then looted the bodies. Then carried on, jauntily on his way. He made it a few steps before being ambushed by a few raiders.

"The nerve of some people! Who would just up and attack an innocent person on these roads. What kind of monsters are you?"

They all got the tire iron treatment as well.

He also ran across some subjects I mean settlers. He decided to leave these ones alone. He had to have some people left alive to rule once his kingdom was established.

The last encounter was thus: The Drumlin Diner was being held up by a couple of drug deals named Wolfgang and Simone. The people inside couldn't pay their drug tab, or something, and the drug dealers wanted their drug tab, or something, to be paid. Scruffy didn't pay much attention. He just decided to side with the aggressor immediately and attack without asking questions. The three set upon the Diner, Scruffy heading in first. They quickly overtook Trudy with a hail of bullets and tire iron smacks. Captain Scruffy rushed further into the Diner and gave Patrick a headsplosion with his tire iron. Scruffy sold more stuff to Wolfgang and headed down the road, his heart warmed. He was glad to have helped settle the problem in an efficient manner that left all (living) parties satisfied.

"Well, there's my good deed for the day."

The universe rewarded him by giving him a level up. He took the Bloody Mess perk, because of course he did. He had a lot of walking to do. He decided to sing along to the radio. "Lay that pistol down, babe, lay that pistol down! Pistol packin' mama, lay that pistol doooown!"

Scruffy walked on, down the roads, through the ruins. Sidestepping burnt out cars and overstepping rubble from conflicts gone by. He kept walking, walking until he was one with the landscape, a lone metal figure trudging on in the starlight. Most people, when they are on a journey of this kind, turn their minds to more existential matters. The meaning of life, their purpose, what will happen in the future. Captain Scruffy was thinking about how many tire iron swings it would take to defeat a Super Mutant. Probably four or five, he thought. He knew he would learn soon enough, and he took peace from that fact.

An itch had begun to take form on his leg. It was conceived somewhere between Oberland Station and the Fens, and was taking its time. At first, Captain Scruffy barely noticed it. He kept imagining different things that he could shoot or smack in the face. But it grew. It grew until it was a part of his consciousness. And from there it took over, over until it was the whole of his consciousness.

"Damn, my leg itches," said Scruffy to himself. But he didn't want to get out of his Power Armor. It was safe, warm, and comfortable in there. Eventually, though, things got excruciating. Nature won. He got out of his armor and began scratching his leg furiously. Then he heard gunshots.

It was a firefight between the guards of Diamond City and some Super Mutants! It was time to figure out the answer to his deepest-held philosophical question. He sprinted toward the fray, forgetting his leg itch entirely.

Four. The answer was four. It took him four hits to dispatch a Super Mutant. Scruffy was disappointed. He wanted to get to the point where he could dash the head of a mutie in a single blow. He would have to do more curls, or something.

Ignoring the Diamond City Watch, he hard jogged on to the entrance of Diamond City. The huge wall loomed up over on his left. He walked past barricades, guards, and automated turrets. He got behind the home base area and was met with a huge gate and a pissed-off reporter.

"You open this gate right now, Danny Sullivan! I live here. You can't just lock me out!" she whined. Then she noticed the old Hispanic man standing there and staring at her. In her dark and twisted mind she came up with a lie to get Scruffy into the city. Said he was a trader or something. Once the gate opened, Captain Scruffy ignored here and jogged straight into the City. That's where his objective was.

Now, he had a whole city to canvas. He knew that someone in town knew where his boy was, but the game didn't give him any clear quest markers. He would probably have to conduct some interviews, maybe do a quick favor for somebody to get pointed in the right direction. If only he had a worn fedora and a trench coat. After setting an elaborate plan to gather information and discover things, he walked up to Pastor Clements.

"Paper puts on quite a show, huh?"

"Whatever. I'm just passing through."

The Pastor gave him advice to avoid the Institute. Captain Scruffy thanked the wise man for telling him to avoid the shadowy organization that kidnapped people, since he would never have figured that one out for himself. Then Clements asked him what Scruffy came to Diamond City for. Scruffy decided to play nice and pick the bottom dialogue options for his conversation. He explained to the man of some faith or other that he was looking for his missing son Shaun. The Pastor gave some information but definitely had more to tell. Captain Scruffy was presented with a speech challenge. Even though he had a Charisma stat of 1, he attempted. And succeeded. That was like a 60 yard field goal.

"Nick Valentine," began the pastor, "He's a detective. Saved a lot of lives over the years, but… so many more stay missing, and trouble has a habit of sticking to him."

"Nick Valentine? A detective? That ends up in trouble often? Just because one of the writers for this game read The Maltese Falcon in college doesn't mean they have to take it out on us, the players. Whatever. Thanks."

Walking over to Diamond City Surplus, Ann Codman was a jerk to him at the haircut stand. It hurt his feelings. He vowed revenge at some point. At the store he picked up a combat knife (which he upgraded to serrated blade) and sold his broken pieces of Power Armor. He didn't feel like going back and getting it at this point. He stole a lot of things from the closed booths around town.

"I told you your luck wouldn't last forever…" Ellie said to herself inside of Valentine's Detective Agency. This was because she thought Nick Valentine's luck wouldn't last forever. She commented on his ties. The bills. His photographs. She whined about how she would never get another job. All of a sudden she saw a man dressed in a harness and an ugly fedora burst in with a knife and demand to know about Nick Valentine. Scruffy wanted to say something intimidating, but his character could only manage:

"Something wrong?"

"Another stray coming in from the rain. I'm afraid you're too late. Office is closed.

"I didn't come here to get brushed off."

"Well you can take a seat and wait for the next armageddon, because the detective ain't coming back. He's gone missing."

Instantly Captain Scruffy changed into detective mode. His name was now Scruff Christmascard. It was his new persona.

"Do you have any idea how I could find him?" he asked. Ellie explained that he was last seen headed toward a vault in search of a girl who had been kidnapped by a gang led by one Skinny Malone.

"Who's this Skinny Malone character?"

"I don't know much about him, but he's from Goodneighbor. That means he's into well-pressed suits and machine gun's school of thuggery," Ellie explained. Thugs. Machine guns. Suits. This was the kind of mystery that Scruff Christmascard had been waiting for. Scruff promised the dame that he'd find her boss Nicky. He had never failed to solve a case before. The truth is, he'd only had one case before, back in Vegas. And it ended with the person he was supposed to find getting eaten by cannibals. Because Scruffy let them eat him. But still, the case was technically solved. He set out into the cold and rain to find Nick Valentine. This would be easy, because he now had a quest marker that pointed directly to Nick Valentine's location.

"Scruff Christmascard is on the case!"