Scruff Christmascard was on the case. He sprinted out of Diamond City, following his quest marker like Justin Bieber fans follow Justin Bieber on Twitter. He was aided in his sprint by a suddenly hostile Diamond City security. He had no clue why they would be hostile, but he thought it could possibly have to do with the recent string of thefts around town.
"But I had nothing to do with those!" Scruffy yelled over his shoulder as he ran. Secretly, he had everything to do with those.
By the time things calmed down, he found himself outside of the Dartmouth Professional Building, interrupting a fight between robots and scavengers. Scruff Christmascard thought it was a horrendous tragedy that these two parties should be fighting. He decided to put an end to it.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, after all…" he said to himself, before stabbing everybody in the face with his combat knife until their health bars were empty. Then he looted the bodies.
By this time he had forgotten what it was he had gone out into Boston to do. Sometimes he had issues with his attention span. However, he noticed that his Pip-Boy had a new radio signal.
"Help! Or mayday! Or whatever it is one says on a radio. My name is Rex Goodman. I'm being held prisoner on the top of Trinity Tower. I think the Super Mutants plan on eating me soon. I'm setting this to repeat. Aww shit! Gotta sign off. One of the Super Mutants is coming!"
Scruff Christmascard was no detective. Well, he was technically a detective. But it didn't take a detective to find out that this charismatic man named Rex Goodman was being held prisoner on the top of Trinity Tower. And that the Super Mutants planned on eating him soon. He had to help.
Well, he didn't really care about helping Rex, but he didn't want to pass up the opportunity to see how many knife slashes it took to take down a Super Mutant. Our hero valiantly charged to the base of the tower. He dismantled the party of two Muties and a Hound (by the way, what a great band name that would make) with an average of three knife slashes each. He levelled up to level five. He took the medic perk, figuring that Stimpak efficiency would be vital to a man who ran around in a harness fighting eight foot tall superhumans armed only with a piece of sharp metal.
He rode the elevator up and began dominating every green colored thing that he saw with his knife. One time he even slashed a pool table. The color green triggered him. He looted a frag grenade, for exploding things, and ammo, to sell later to buy more explosive things. He carried on up the tower, getting his knife wet with the blood of mutanty things, and throwing a molotov here and there, and giggling gleefully.
"You humans made us! Now suffer for your arrogance!" One of the Super Mutants yelled, amid the exchange of grenades.
"Wow, that's a surprisingly mature, complex thought for a Super Mutant!" scruff yelled back before throwing a fatal molotov at its face.
After a couple of elevator rides up he began to face stronger opposition. There comes a time in every hero's journey where they begin to fight against forces that seem too strong for them. Will they press on, persevering against all odds, or will they fail and get swept into the dustbin? Scruffy decided to take a whole bunch of drugs to even the odds. After Med-X, Psycho, and, for some reason, Mentats, he was ready to go. He cut through the hordes of greenskins like a knife through mutant flesh.
At the top he encountered Fist.
"That's a pretty cool name for a mutant leader," Scruff confessed.
Fist had a little skull next to his name. And a minigun. Our hero was a little bit afraid. But he was the intrepid Scruff Christmascard. And he was high as balls. His body absorbed 5mm rounds like shock absorbers absorb shock. After a good ten knife slashes, Fist was out of the game.
"I guess you could say that Fist… got bumped," said Scruff, very proud of his one-liner. He found the key and opened the door. He completely ignored Rex Goodman and rushed into the prison cell for loot. He noticed another Super Mutant in the room. This one had a hot pink name instead of a red name, and wasn't making any attempt to slaughter Scruff.
"Strong, huh? He's a cute one. I think I'll keep him."
The greenskin encouraged the newly formed trio to take the elevator down the tower. Scruff obliged, trying not to look off the edges. He was scared of heights. Rex explained Strong's backstory.
"So, that whole milk of human kindness thing. That's from MacBeth…"
Scruff Christmascard ignored the rest. He was paid to solve crimes, not get an English lecture. He decided to make up his own backstory for Strong. Strong was a badass mutant, so badass that the others were afraid of him and decided to lock him up in their tower. Until one day, a really good looking Hispanic man freed him and some white dude and told Strong to follow him. Together, they could have wonderful adventures and smash all sorts of things. Strong agreed and they lived happily ever after.
That was a much better backstory than whatever crap Rex Goodman was pushing.
They rode down the elevator, Scruff throwing grenades at Super Mutants while Strong stood there menacingly and Rex quoted Shakespeare. If this was a ride at a theme park, it would be the best one ever.
At one point they ran through the building to another elevator while Scruff stabbed a couple of Super Mutants. Man, he was so hyped up on chems.
After a while they found themselves once again at the based of Trinity Tower. The drugs wore off suddenly and Scruff had to sit down.
"Many thanks for that timely rescue."
"I just love rescuing idiots."
"I suppose that barb was justified. I did act foolishly. In any event I'm grateful."
Rex shoved a tuxedo into Scruff's territory and began to run off. Scruff stabbed him in the back so that he died. If you were to ask our hero why, he would not be able to give you a satisfactory answer. But he would probably try to stab you too.
Scruff Christmascard looked at his new pet/friend. It said something about the milk of human kindness, a line the our hero would grow to loathe in the coming days. But besides the Shakespearian idiocy, it was pretty bitchin' to have a giant mutant companion who could swing melee weapons at least as hard as he could.
So began a wonderful friendship. Our hero put some Super Mutant Heavy Armor onto Strong, enjoying the new companion interface. He offered to make Strong his detective partner, but again Strong muttered something about the milk of human kindness. Scruff shrugged it off. They were partners now, after all. And it was time to find Nick Valentine.
Author's Note: One thing that Captain Scruffy loves as much as senseless violence is reviews about his story from you!