Scruff Christmascard and Strong made quite the formidable duo, running through the streets of Boston toward the Boston Common. Discovering the Boylston Club caused Scruff to gain a level. He took Strength training to bring it up to 9. (Author's Note: At this point, Captain Scruffy's level-ups are going to drop out of the narrative, save for the milestone ones. Just assume he's taking a perk that will enable him to kill things better).

Scruff began his complicatedly choreographed victory dance, but noticed a gigantic Super Mutant walking around in the park. A quick scan using V.A.T.S. revealed it to be named "Swan."

"Man, that behemoth is bigger than your mom," he muttered to nobody in particular. Scruff weighed the merits of trying to sneak past the thing to get to Nick Valentine but decided that sneaking is for wussies and after all he hadn't killed anything for at least five minutes. He pulled out his minigun and began to fire away.

Swan got pissed.

It pulled a giant rock from out of nowhere and threw it at Scruff's face, doing 17 damage. Strong yelled something that Scruff couldn't make out over minigun fire while the Swan ran towards them. This was going to be easy. Swan's health bar was already at 75% percent. When the behemoth got over to Scruff, however, he did a blow that did about 200 damage, leaving Scruff hanging on a tightrope between life and death. We whimpered a little bit and scampered away while forcefully jamming two stimpaks into his arm. Strong attempted to defend Scruff but was downed in only two blows. There was only one thing Scruff could do: Jog backwards while unloading with his minigun. And that's exactly what he did. 550 rounds and two more stimpaks later, Swan fell to the ground, dead. Scruff peed a little.

Strong rushed up to our hero, magically alive after the conflict got over. How convenient. Scruff looted the massive body and gave his mutant companion the Furious Power Fist, but was dismayed to find out that Strong was unable to equip it.

"That's a shame. But furious, power, and fist are three of my favorite words. I guess I'll have to use it."

Captain Scruff, er, Scruff Christmascard, slid the power fist onto his arm, instantly feeling the furious power.

"Let's go take some bitches down!" he yelled, frolicking into the Park Street Station.

Him and Strong utterly dominated the four Triggerman on the landing floor. The way that they flew backwards after getting hit amused Scruff to no end. He began keeping score of how many kills Strong and he would get, deciding that it was very important to see who the better killer was. So far it was Scruff 3, Strong 1.

They roved into the next area, a giant underground subway platform full of angry mobsters. Scruffy destroyed all six of them with powerful punches before sprinting onward. He felt so alive. Part of it could have been the Med-X that he took immediately before entering the Station. They ran on toward the Vault entrance. Outside the big door the three triggermen sentries were made short work of. Scruff went up to the door and plugged his Pip-Boy into the console. He always loved the Vault door opening animation.

Scruff and Strong tore through the Vault entrance, leaving nothing except body parts and gore in their wake. Scruff was getting all the kills while Strong jogged behind him. The mutant was getting to the action too late.

Once inside the Vault proper Scruff encountered a man named Dino, who was staring at a window and apparently taunting it. Scruff pulled out the minigun. Anybody who taunted windows deserved to die. For their arrogance.

"Hey! I don't know who you are, but we've got about three minutes before they realize that meat-for-brains ain't coming back. Get this door open," the window commanded. It was then that Scruffy realized that it was not in fact the window that was talking, but a detective on the other side. The subtitles on his screen identified him as Valentine.

"Heck yes! I am the greatest detective of all time!" said Scruff, opening up the door.

"Ah, my knight in shining armor. But the question is, why does he come all this way, risking life and limb for an old private eye?"

Scruff informed him that he was tracking a murderer.

"So you need a little angel of vengeance, huh? I don't usually go after blood money, but I guess I can make an exception," Nick began. Scruffy skipped the rest of the dialogue. Something about a missing daughter and getting out of the Vault. Scruff was getting bored and wanted to kill more things. Now that he had found Nick Valentine he was done detectiving. He changed his persona back to that of Captain Scruffy, future King of the Commonwealth. He began to follow Valentine out of the room, but not before picking up the Speech bobblehead inside. Now he could sell more of his ill-gotten gains before moving on to the next vendor.

Once down the stairs, Nick dropped into a crouch. Scruffy and Strong didn't. They didn't sneak. The detective said something about incoming Triggermen. Scruffy's ears perked up and he sprinted past Valentine, equipping a grenade. He threw it into the midst of the small gangster party, killing two of them. He decided that if he ever came out with a rap album he would name it "Small Gangster Party." He finished off the last one with a Furious Power Fist blow to the face. Strong had fallen way behind in the kills contest. It was 23 to 1. But now Nick Valentine had entered the contest as well, and time could only tell what the fedora wearing P.I. was capable of.

And so it went, the three unlikely amigos running through the vault and killing things. Well, Scruffy was doing most of the killing. They were on the way to the Triggerman boss. Things went quickly with Scruff sprinting through and punching anything that put up a fight. Soon enough they found themselves on the outside of the Vault, having a confrontation with Skinny Malone, Darla, and the boys. Which is also a good name for a music group.

"Nick? What are you doin'? You come into my house. You shoot up my guys. You have any idea how much this is going to set me back?"

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for your two-timing dame, Skinny. You should tell her to write home more often," Nick replied.

Scruff stopped paying attention. Clearly an argument happened of some kind. Then Darla addressed him. They were all standing there waiting for him to say something. This is awkward, Scruffy thought to himself. He decided to throw a grenade in the middle of the group, to relieve the tension. They all died instantly, being swept backward off their feet in synchronized fashion. The final kill count was 30 Scruffy, 1 Strong, and 0 Nick Valentine. Slackers.

Nick made a wisecrack and then suggested that they leave the Vault, the very thing that Scruffy was eager to do. There was nothing left here to punch. Before going, through, he looted the bodies. Including Malone's tuxedo. Even though the man was over 300 pounds the Tuxedo magically fit Scruffy fine. He felt cool. Once outside, Nick Valentine asked Scruffy a couple more questions about his missing son and then encouraged Scruffy to visit his office in Diamond City. Then the detective ran off.

"Yeah, whatever robot man! Don't tell me what to do!" Scruffy retorted. He waited about ten seconds and then fast-traveled back to Diamond City.