Chapter 1: Learning to Parent
It was a peaceful fall evening in Konoha. Birds were crooning, lovers spooning, and Kushina Uzumaki was fucking dying ow ow ow why does giving birth hurt so much humans are so weird. And as Minato tried to console her through the pain and keep Kushina's seal from splitting in twain, a guy in a mask shows up. Mask dude distracts Minato, opens the seal, and squeals in delight as the Kyuubi's revealed. That's me. I'm the Kyuubi. Kurama's my name, hatred's my game. Tremble in fear of my immense power, intimidating glower, and random rhyme schemes!
Then mask dude hides in another dimension and watches the destruction because he hates people and wants them all to die. Having Zetsu goop in your brain is not good for your mental health. I get to stretch my legs for a while and cause some good old-fashioned carnage. Ah... the screams of melting children. Minato puts a stop to that because he's lame, and seals me in a baby named Naruto. I am an adult trapped in a child's body. This baby gets put in a basket and hauled off to the Hokage Tower, and then the third hokage comes out of retirement. The third is all like "oh no my village just burned down, gotta be a strong leader and I can't have any distractions" so he leaves Naruto to rot in a shitty orphanage. Meaning he left me to rot in a shitty orphanage.
All the staff thought Naruto was me reincarnated for some reason, and so they treated Naruto like crap. I'm the literal embodiment of hatred (and flippant narration) and these puny humans managed to outdo me on the hatred part. Not the sarcasm part. No one is better than me at sarcasm. But yeesh, people are terrible. I knew they were puny and bad but I didn't know they were so mean. Even the living embodiment of hatred doesn't bully children. I just melt children. And then eat them, because they are young and tender. But I can't eat this flesh prison so instead I have to keep it alive. I healed him as much as I could which led to him being saturated in my chakra, so he'll probably do jutsu weird. Chakra theory is for beings that can't explode mountains by roaring.
Eventually, after about 4 years in my prison, I finally got to talk to the kiddo. Unlike in my other seals I was exposed to everything the kid sensed. He got beat up so badly on "Kyuubi murdered my family day" that he was knocked into his own subconscious. Which is where he gets to talk to me. He was all like "woah, where am I?" And then he was like "AAAAAH THERE'S A GIANT DEMON FOX!" The second one made me laugh. I told him what went down when he was born, who his parents are, and what a seal is. And once he got over the shock of seeing a giant evil demon fox, he was inspired that he inherited his mom's responsibility. It was a mature moment, good on him. I also told him about his godparents. He was mad at his godparents.
Once he got knocked into his subconscious the first time it was easy for us to talk to each other. I taught him how to screw over the meanies, trained his body, and how to channel chakra. All that took around two years. By the end of it he knew to always aim for the shins, eyes, throat, and crotch, how to catch and skin small animals, and how to channel chakra. I don't know how humans use chakra, I just taught him how to channel it. Apparently human children can't make Bark bombs. At the tender age of six he went into the ninja academy.
He won nearly every taijutsu spar because dirty tricks and punching dicks, but he hated paying attention in class. I encouraged his inattentiveness: history and math are pointless when you can blow up mountains. The fact that Naruto couldn't blow up mountains isn't important to the story. The teachers didn't like Naruto. It was mostly because they were stupid and thought Naruto was a demon fox. Definitely had nothing to do with how bad of a student Naruto was. He barely scraped past the booksmarts requirements and made up for it with practical stuff. Like throwing knives and setting traps. You know, the hunting I taught him. The teachers were really confused when Naruto got perfect bullseyes on his first try at the academy. Those weren't even moving targets. I had Naruto looting Kunai from the woods and nailing rabbits for two whole years! The best part of hunting was that I always got to taste raw rabbit meat.
The more advanced survival and tracking exercises were a breeze too. I get Naruto's senses, and his senses are also affected by mine. That means his sense of smell is adequate instead of human. The kid also got most of the smarts from his parents, believe it or not. He just can't pay attention to save his life. I'd been bugging him to go learn jutsu and seals, but he hadn't had luck in finding a good teacher. Stupid godfather. We experimented with chakra stuff too. Apparently if you dump lots of chakra into one limb while touching stuff there's a lot of knockback. Naruto never lost a spar after that.
On the chakra learning side, jutsu and seals came in the fourth year of training. For seals they only taught storage seals and explosive tags. Naruto was good at seals, but we couldn't find him a sealing teacher. Stupid. Godfather. The kid was curious though, so he kept experimenting with seals in his own time. He became amazing at making variations on explosive tags. Jutsu were a mixed bag. Illusions were hard, physical stuff was easy. Clones and transformations never really worked. On the other hand, the replacement jutsu (which the kids all called log swap) was a breeze. Except Naruto usually overshot the jutsu and ended up far away. The basic elemental jutsu were great too. Naruto is a wind element, which unfortunately means he doesn't melt children. But he can slice and dice children into little bits, which is almost as good. He also invented a jutsu, the Ass Blaster no Jutsu, which gives him gale-force farts. Yes, that is what he does with his smarts. I'm so proud of him!
At the end of the academy Naruto graduated as the most capable student in his year. But written tests made him "below average." Humans have very strange priorities for training death machines. Naruto is very comfortable with the gritty aspects of shinobi life due to my training. Killing people? "Kurama that'll be so fun. It'll be like hunting rabbits, except they'll be able to dodge my kunai this time! Too bad I can't eat them though..." Sabotage? "It's like a prank, except it kills people! That's even better!" Information gathering and intrigue? "Lying to people and making them scream sounds fun!." Is this what being a parent is like? I'm watching from the inside as this disgusting flesh prison slowly turns into an amoral bundle of chaotic death. I'm such a good dad.
AN: Some minor edits. I got bored this summer so there are currently 3 more chapters either done or in progress.