Chapter 35

Cheers, Jeers, and Japes

Sarutobi Hiruzen has been in the game long enough to have seen just about everything. He's witnessed the god and devil of shinobi in their prime, changing the landscape, natural disasters spawned by the biju themselves, the rises and falls of many smaller nations, and a seemingly immortal cat capable of giving some chuunin a run for their money. He's seen all manner of unnatural technique and the abominations spawned therefrom, cults that rose, committed atrocities, and fell, and very little could match the horrors he saw in his own pupil's laboratories.

It's rare that he sees anything that can truly surprise him, let alone drive him to openly react.

So it's quite surprising to Jiraiya when he steps into the office to find Hiruzen pounding his desk in laughter as his eyes are glued to the crystal ball.

The mystery of why doesn't last long when he discovers the old man is using one hand to flip through handsigns to select different students in the exam as they trigger every trap under the sun and blow themselves to kingdom come. Their projected humiliation is all in the pursuit of a rank that most would think they were unfit for if not for who exactly set up these devious propellants, pitfalls, catapults, and seals in such vast quantities one would think an army were responsible.

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Neji Hyuuga had never been so infuriated in his life.

He's put up with so many of the foolish shinobi in his generation and their sensei believing failures like Hinata and Naruto have any purpose being here, let alone shinobi to begin with. Lee is much the same, a nobody who only succeeds in complete buffoonery on a daily basis that makes him want to research the exact combination of tenketsu to deactivate as a mute button. His sensei is almost as bad in that regard, but the man's at least proven himself to be a competent fighter with a deep enough understanding of his clan's style to assist in his work on it.

But then he too started insisting on helping his failure of a cousin and that moron she's fallen for. And so did all of the other sensei, supposedly the most elite of the village, failing to see how much effort they were wasting!

And now, here he is taking the exams, far ahead of everyone but the shrieking teammate of that ice woman who he's keeping a wide berth with, and constantly dodging triggers for Uzumaki's obnoxious traps! Every few dozen meters at most, there's another tripwire, pressure plate, loose cobblestone, or even a proximity seal, to trigger yet another of his seemingly endless supply of time-wasting traps.

Those, he can handle easily enough. At most, they make him veer to one way or the other, or make a precise jump here and there. The real problem is the countless messages written all across every surface in an invisible ink only his own clan's eyes can possibly pick up! The jackass took the time to write such things as "On your left, dumbass", "Adjust that meter stick up your ass", and "If you're reading this, you're a dumpster fire".

Notably, before all of these messages was one calling Hinata gorgeous and insisting she ignore every message to follow.

If he ever catches Uzumaki in here, Neji vows to disable the boy's arms and leave him to fend for himself out here without jutsu or weapons.

Hinata in the meantime is just giggling giddily to herself as she makes her way through the one clear safe path, with a few symbols painted here and there that are clear signs to her of it's innocence. A few lilacs, some Uzumaki clan symbols, and a few hearts tucked further along the path outside where her field of vision would have picked them up from her starting line. Clearly, the boy had prepared heavily to keep himself from chickening out when the time came to ask her out.

But Choujuro was almost having a panic attack. So far, he's been tarred, blasted with confetti and flour, had two buildings collapse into his path, ducked salvo of blunted kunai three times, had to use Hiramekarei to create a chakra pillar to save himself from a pitfall, and he's pretty sure after the tar solvent washed him mostly clean by some miracle, he was covered in some other adhesive that smelled like walnuts, and now a pack of rabid squirrels is trying to chase him!

His shrill screams echo through the mock city for all to hear.

Kankurou's quite thankful with his familiarity with traps as he rushes through alleys. Tighter spaces are a huge hazard, but the spaces above them are usually wide open. Pitfalls can be avoided on rooftops, and there's less space to set traps to begin with up there. High places are the bane of trapmakers, but there's always a way around them, or to subvert them. That proves all too true when an entire rooftop becomes a pitfall and he collapses through three floors, only to then see a message painted on the walls of all three reading "WATCH YOUR STEP".

Zaku ends up using his air canons every thirty seconds just to blast away salvos of kunai, counter explosions, and in one odd circumstance he had to fire himself into the air to avoid two walls suddenly closing in and attempting to crush him. Those Konoha bastards never mentioned the city would be fucking trapped! What kind of sadist proctor was responsible for this?!

Hibiki meanwhile is almost unseen for the entire exam, trailing through the most cramped and difficult spaces with ease with their tiny frame, and blasting holes through buildings instead of taking available roads.

Shikamaru takes his time, wandering the streets, following the same path Choujuro already set off all the traps in, so he's clear of all threats and still able to pass the test, surely well before two teams who're down for the count after Sasuke fucked up their mid-stretch runners. No matter how slow he is, passing is in the bag, and he'll be fresh and ready for whatever may be next.

He takes a moment to wave at Yoko as he spots her watching, and she nods and rushes to catch up with Naruto as he takes one of the few clean routes he designed to get far, far ahead of everyone but the two Hyuuga.

Eventually, Naruto saunters across the finish line with a shit-eating grin, still hearing Choujuro's screaming in the background. The end of the road is marked with a long crimson line of tape, and bordered by a pair of anbu. Getting to the end, he tosses the scroll to his dad, walks over to Hinata, and plants a kiss on her cheek. "I knew this exam was gonna be fun."

Hinata turns crimson and giggles faintly. "W-Well, you sort of think just about anything that's not boring is fun… no matter how dangerous it is."

"Speaking of dangerous." Iruka raises an eyebrow with a smirk. "Don't you think it's kind bold of you to kiss Hinata in front of Neji?"

"Nnnnope." He grins as he peeks over to the more arrogant Hyuuga, watching him seethe against a wall as they await the end of the test. "So, Sakura and Sasuke get here yet?"

"Yeah…" His smile drops and he nods back to the nearby building. "Leave a clone here, you're gonna want to be there in person to discuss what's up with Sasuke."

Hinata pulls away from the real Naruto, but quickly finds him replaced by a clone at her side. "I-Is this about why Sasuke was so delayed this round?"

"Well, obviously either the civilian medic was debilitated in the forest, or the Uchiha prodigy let his pure bloodline get to his head." Everyone turns to Neji as silence falls.

Suddenly, Neji yells in pain as Yoko bites at his ankles from behind. He attempts to jab her, but she bursts into foxfire and disappears, leaving him to turn his eyes on and reveal the real Yoko as she surfaces from the dirt beside Naruto and Hinata. "Really? I thought Hyuuga were supposed to be more polite than that."

Neji's eye twitches. "How the hell have you started talking?"

"Maybe you'd get it if you weren't so blind. Hinata figured it out right away, and knew all the prerequisites months ago."

Neji growls and steps forward, but gets cut off by Hibiki popping up from the earth and across the finish line between them. They sigh and raise their goggles, cracking their neck before tossing the scroll to Iruka. "Not a bad test." They peek over to Naruto. "Were those your traps?"

"Hell yeah they were! Whatcha think?"

The hum and pinch their chin. "Good question… certainly some of the best I've seen, but you need more that can stand up to high firepower."

"Yeah." Naruto's clone groans and hangs his head, causing HInata to giggle at his side. "I've been working on that. Zabuza just tanked the biggest thing I could throw at him, and more I try to find a way around that kinda power, the more obnoxious it gets!"

"Yeah, I haven't seen many trappers have much luck with demo teams. Good luck figuring that one out." They shrug and saunter their way into the building to meet with their team inside.

Naruto hums. "Shoulda figured Hibiki'd be next. Ok, after them should be…"

"The boy from Oto." Hinata hums as she watches to the south. "I can see him, he'll be here momentarily. The jutsu he's using is… odd."

"Odd how?"

Neji's eyes narrow as he watches. "Those tubes in his arms… they're far from natural. Some kind of surgically implanted ninja tool that compresses and fires large amounts of wind chakra."

"Ooo, more fuuton to study, awesome!" Naruto rubs his hands together. "Compression is a nice touch, takes a lot to control, or a good seal."

"The hell does a buffoon like you know about seals?"

Naruto snorts. "Try to have an actual conversation with Tenten. I'm her supplier."

"I'll have to dissuade her from wasting time and money on fated trash."

"Ya know, living on the streets half my life, I learned a few things about trash." Neji's eyes widen, and for a second, he can hear the blood rushing around his eyes as he takes in every minute detail of Naruto's petty smile and tired, burning eyes. "People throw away such useful, valuable things for the dumbest reasons."

Noticing how his face has fallen, Hinata musters up the courage to hug him and kiss his cheek. "A-And you're strong enough to salvage yourself."

HIs grin returns, ear-to-ear. "Eh, mostly. I have dad to thank for a lot of that. And you've gotten me polished to a shine!"

Neji grumbles and shakes his head. "The elders will be quite displeased to hear you're galavanting with him of all people."

Iruka steps in. "I don't quite think Hiashi minds. And since when did the prodigy of the branch family care what the elders thought?"

Neji scowls and falls silent, just as Kankurou touches down at the finish line. "Uuuh… what kinda shit did I just walk into?"

Inside, Naruto is inspecting Sasuke's new seal, with a Kurama-possessed clone beside him, and Jiraiya just behind them both. "Real piece of work. More balanced than Shukaku's last few attempts, but horrendous nonetheless. The energy I'm getting off this is almost as toxic as mine when I'm pissed off."

"That says a hell of a lot." Jiraiya grumbles. "Think your brother's sealing expertise might be useful for looking into this one a bit more?"

"Potentially, getting him to agree might be a little tougher. It is his personal field though, so it might work. And it's a big enough leap in the right direction to give him ideas for new seals down the line that won't be half as bad as his usual."

Naruto shrugs. "Can't hurt to try. What's really bugging me is.." He pauses. "Ah, we have a guest incoming. It's cool, she can help."

With that, Hinata steps in, waving Shino off as she shuts the door. "So, your clone said you needed a closer look at a seal?"

He nods. "Yep. Try your byakugan here on Sasuke's shoulder, see what you can get out of it."

Sakura nods in agreement as she slumps half asleep in a nearby chair. "Good move, her perspective can be a huge help. Better grasp on how his chakra is flowing."

Hinata can't help but smile at the praise. "Thank you, Sakura-san. I'll give it my all!" She steps up and activates her eyes, getting a close look. Silence falls, but Naruto notices all too easily how her leg bounces and twitches, and her face slowly contorts to a grimace. "Oh… oh dear. This… may be one of the most complicated and dangerous seals to remove we could ever find."

Jiraiya groans and leans back. "I was afraid you'd say that. Lemme guess. Same reason as the Caged Bird Seal?"

She nods. "Indeed. It's a three-dimensional seal burrowed into his body and attached to his chakra system to the point of integration."

Naruto promptly facepalms, and the echoing smack jolts Sasuke awake. "H-huh?" He peeks back to Naruto and the angry red handprint on his face. "... That bad, huh?"

"It's literally fused to your chakra system, and it's some three-dimensional bullshit the old perv and I can't even see most of."

"Fuck." He drops his head back into the sheets and groans.

Sakura takes a seat next to his head, reaching over and carding her fingers through his hair. "Hey, we'll figure this out. I'm sure they're both running through a million possible methods for handling it right now."

Jiraiya grumbles. "Without seeing it in detail, our options are incredibly limited."

Kakashi peeks up from his book in the corner of the room. "What about getting some Yamanaka involved to view Hinata's memory of the seal?"

Naruto hums. "Considered it, but we can't work with that until we get back to the village. Ino's nowhere near good enough for that yet. I trust Inoichi with it, though."

Sasuke nods. "Wouldn't mind that. He's already my therapist, so he'll probably be hearing about this anyway."

Kakashi hums. "WIll be an issue to some degree, but once we're back, we can go straight to him. Might want to pick up Anko on the way as well."

Naruto nods. "Yeah, kaa-san's seal should be studied for differences. Fourteen years between versions is probably a big difference, but it should give us some insight." The room falls silent for a moment, and he slowly raises his head. "What?"

Sakura smirks. "So she's "kaa-san" now, huh?"

He slowly turns red, but flips her off. "S-She gets me, alright? And gave me some really great advice I honestly really needed for today…" His blush slowly grows deeper as he peeks over to Hinata. "I probably wouldn't have asked you out if not for her."

Sakura jumps out of her chair and knocks it over. "YES! Ino owes me ten thousand zeni!"

Hinata eeps and pulls her hood up to hide in, while Naruto just stares blankly, then turns to Sasuke.

"... Fine, yes, you were right that she'd bet on this. I owe you five thou. But really, Sakura?"

"Hey. I know my boys, and I'm a broke civilian girl. I'm gonna take everything I can get."

He hums and closes his eyes. "... You're doing remarkably well for someone civilian born. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were Tsunade's own granddaughter."

Sakura freezes, falls silent, and tries to reboot, while Hinata giggles softly at just how red Sasuke seems to be turning. "W-Well, that's a good step forward."

Naruto nods. "Smooth, Sasuke. Damn smooth."

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In the common lounging space of the former anbu building, Shikamaru lays back on a couch and yawns as he awaits the next leg of the test. Ino steps up and shoves his legs off to make room before plopping down next to him. "You're in no position to be yawning, Shika. You barely did anything in the last test!"

"Yeah, and I saved energy for the next part." He pushes himself upright and sits beside her, staring ahead as Temari and Gaara take a seat across from them. "Ah, you two. Naruto told us a bit about you. I'm Nara Shikamaru, this is Yamanaka Ino. You must be Temari and Gaara, two of the Kazekage's kids."

Temari shrugs it off. "Well, smart to look into your enemies, I suppose. You two must be in the new generation of the Ino-Shika-Cho trio, then."

Ino shrugs. "Eh, not all it's cracked up to be. Our dads are just embarrassing, the title's more annoying than anything. We gotta get big enough to earn our own name."

"Temari smirks. "Well, that's an ambition I can get behind. Being stuck in our father's shadow may have a few political and financial perks, but it's most people kissing our asses for no reason and our achievements being equated to his work."

Gaara mumbles. "He's never raised a finger to train any of us."

Shikamaru nods somberly. "Well, the fact you've gotten here regardless says that it's all your own talent getting you here."

Gaara's eyes narrow as he looks down to his hands, and the sand that swirls around them.

"You too, Gaara." He peeks up to find Shikamaru's stern eyes. "I know Naruto well enough to figure out what he meant, and what's up with you. You might have a bit of an edge, but it's no different from a kekkei genkai. A strong one, yes, but you've clearly got a strong grasp on that power."

Ino stares at them both for a moment, until it finally clicks. "Ooooh, right. Yeah, we're cool with that. Found out about the Kyuubi a couple weeks ago."

Gaara's frozen in shock for a moment, as is his sand, indicating equal shock for his tennant. Eventually, Gaara shakes his off and his tensed shoulders go slack. "How do you not fear him? The Kyuubi is the strongest and most dangerous of all."

Shikamaru snorts and grins. "Maybe, but he's not so bad. Interesting conversations at least, if a bit sadistic at times. Never spoken with anyone so old and experienced before, so it's insightful."

Temari pauses, but slowly peeks over to her brother. "What… W-What's yours like, now that he's calmed down?"

He stares at her for a moment, same blank expression as always. "Shukaku is… impressed that you chose to ask. As for his personality…" He hums and things it over for a moment. "... He is consistently loud and obnoxious, but at the very least, his lack of inhibition makes him a decent source of unorthodox insight and spontaneity. He has a bit of sage advice and odd bits of wisdom here and there, as old as he is, but largely seems to be a passionate fool with a handful of knowledgeable obsessions."

Shikamaru can't help but shudder. "Ok, we're kinda lucky you two ended up with who you did. Swapping biju would be fuel for an apocalypse."

Gaara's eyes slowly widen as realization sinks in. "I would very much like to stop imagining this now, but I cannot."

"Blame Naruto." Ino grins. "He's driven all of us mad."

Temari rolls her eyes. "Now I'm starting to wonder if the whole 'strong shinobi are crazy' rule is a result of what it took to get that strong, or if they were already crazy and that insanity is why they could take the risks that got them there."

"I'm considering writing a psychological thesis about that. More than enough evidence to go around, but it'll be a long project."

"Shukaku wishes you luck. He considers himself a bit of a scientist as well, and wants to provide you with more historical evidence from his own encounters."

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Hours later, the remaining teams and their sensei gather in a large concrete room, waiting on railed walkways along opposite walls. Unlike the Ground 44 tower's test chamber, this one lacks the giant hand statue, but instead has a more natural setting, with a small waterfall along one wall, some bamboo grown in all four corners, and rich, mulchy soil below. Upon the third balcony stands Hiruzen, a very agitated Anko, and a stocky cat-masked Anbu.

Below them, on the main walkways, stand Konoha Teams 7, 8, 10, and Gai, and teams from Iwa, Kiri, Suna, and Oto. Twenty-four genin in total remain.

Hiruzen steps to the edge of his balcony and raises his hand, guiding everyone to attention. "Not once in my many decades in this office have I seen such a promising generation of shinobi to rise the ranks." A proud grin layers and folds the many wrinkles in his weathered face. "Had I the authority to, I would promote each and every one of you this instant. But, sadly, the purposes of these exams, and frankly what would appear as blatant favoritism due to how many from my own village have come this far, prevents me." A few chuckles and quiet cheers fill the room. "Yes, yes, you all deserve to be quite proud of yourselves for coming this far. It is no easy task, rising above the rank and file of your village and proving yourselves to be forged stronger. But, I regret to inform you, this forge will only grow hotter from here. Steel yourselves, ensure your mettle is strong enough to last."

He smirks as he receives two long rows of confident or defiant faces, save for Gaara and Shino, as impassive as ever, and Shikamaru feigning sleeping on his feet. He must fight to not roll his eyes at the Nara boy's antics.

"Seeing as so many of you have passed, but only a few may graduate from this exam, we will be holding an elimination round here and now. I wish you all luck moving forward in representing your villages, your clans, and your own worth as a shinobi." He turns back to Anko and nods.

She gestures towards the giant monitor above. "Your names have all been entered for randomized lots to cover twelve matches. Once the matchup is called, you have every right to back out if you know it's a fight you can't handle. Any shinobi worth their merit knows when they're in above their head, so weigh your options carefully. If you're too injured to battle, step out now. If you need to see how much effort you'll have to put into your opponent first, feel free to wait. The remaining competitors after the elimination round will move on to the final tournament. You brats better bring your best here, or you won't get to show it off to the judges there and earn your rank!" She grins. "We expect great things out of you, be sure to prove us right." She steps up to the edge to look out among the students more clearly. "Does anyone with to withdraw now?"

Silence greets her, and her grin widens.

"Oh, you kids are a blast. Then let the matches begin!" She whips around and points to the screen, suddenly shifting randomly through every potential matchup,

Every genin's eyes are glued to the screen, weighing up their potential matches, debating worst outcomes and best matchups. Some fiddle with their tools anxiously, some pray to silent deities, and others hear the blood rushing through their ears.

The first match is called, and a pair of brown eyes meets a single beady eye surrounded by bandages.

"Higurashi Tenten and Dosu of Otogakure, take your places in the arena!"

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A.N.: I'm baaaack…

The elimination rounds have begun, and ooohohoho do I have magnificent plans for them. As for what took me so long, 1 part planning this arc after randomizing matchups, and 9 parts holiday game releases, holidays, romantic obligations, and family events back to back. BUT, I'm back on it, a new chapter of Henshin Hero Academia will be soon after this, and the prelims will go by FAST, covering a good 4-5 chapters for all 12 matches. I have them decided already, and a lot of these are matchups I've never seen in any other fics, let alone in canon. So expect great things!

So, keep reading, update the TVTropes page, and go check out my book: C.O.N.T.R.O.L.: Ubiquity of Chaos!