Word Count: 1383
Summary: Based on the episode The Proton Transmogrification.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Big Bang Theory or the characters.

"Appreciate them Sheldon"

As someone with an eidetic memory, Sheldon remembered that entire conversation, but those words stuck to him the hardest.

Almost every man that he looked up had died, but he still had Leonard. Of course he cared for the rest of his male friends, but Leonard was his best friend. He was the one that took care of his every need for years, his roommate and the man he went with his problems. Everyone knew how important Leonard was for him – even the university was aware apparently, because Leonard was the one they called when Sheldon had done something Sheldon-y.

Which was what made today so hard. Dressed in a very uncomfortable suit, his shirt felt itchy, the tie was smothering him. All he wanted was to go back to his usual clothes, but he wasn't allowed to do that. He knew Leonard would've done the same for him.

He sits in his spot. He is making up a speech in his mind as he looks around. Leonard hadn't lived in that apartment for years, but he did come around once in a while for game night and dinner, like he had promised all those years ago.

He can remember the first day he met Leonard, back in 2003. He remembers all the question and all the answers and is thankful that he allowed him to be his roommate. It would've made his life be so different than it is right now, and he doesn't want it to change.

Of course he would love to change for his usual clothes, and also wishes that today wasn't happening for a lot more years, but he doesn't want the rest to change. Even the couch he is sitting on is only here because of Leonard.

All his friends, his wife, his children, they are all because of Leonard's existence.

Taking a deep breath, he gets up. He is upset, so he's making himself a cup of tea. But as he grabs the box with the tea packs, all he can think about is the amount of times Leonard had made him tea. Almost every single of those times he had complained about something Leonard had done wrong.

But now, all he wished was to have Leonard there making him tea.

His wife chooses that moment to walk into the apartment. She gives him a sad smile and approaches him.

"Ready to go?" She asks him, softly.

He looks at her. Memories of being jealous of Leonard being the one to accompany Amy to a wedding come to his mind. Memories of the two fighting who takes care of him the most. Memories of the side glances they thought he didn't notice when he said something about being independent.

"No." He answers, and Amy sighs. This day isn't being easy for her, for anyone really, but she knew she would have to be strong for Sheldon. She could break down later, much later, with Bernadette and Raj. For now, she would be there for her husband.

"Sheldon…" she starts softly, but he doesn't let her continue.

"I can't go. I-"he stops and attempts to find the right words, but for one of the first times in his life, he fails. He feels the tears starting to form in his eyes, but he stubbornly ignores. Taking a deep breath for what seemed the hundredth time since this nightmare started, he somehow finds the strength to continue. "I want to play a game."

"We don't have the time for that Sheldon." He stares at her. "And it's not the right day for that kind of thing. You know that."

"I want to play a game with Leonard, Amy." She looks at him sadly. "And I want everyone to stop looking at me like that!" She looks down at her shoes, trying to find the right words. But there aren't any words that are right in these moments. "I want him to drive me to work. I want him to take me to the comic bookstore. I want to discuss my work with him, or how preposterous the plot of the movie we watched is. I want to tell him he's my best friend." He feels his voice breaking, and Amy notices, but says nothing. "I want him to make me tea."

Amy takes a deep breath and tries to fight the tears from falling. "Sheldon, do you want me to make you tea?"

Many years ago, Sheldon would tell her no. Many years ago, he would've told her that she wasn't the one that made him tea. But he notices things now that he didn't notice before. He notices the way her eyes are slowly starting to become bloodshot. He notices the trail of tears down her face, a new one always following the old ones. He notices her sniffles, and the way her lip occasionally trembles slightly.

He knows she has been crying. And he knows that she is upset too, just like he is. Leonard might not have been Amy's best friend and brother, but they were really good friends. She obviously misses him too.

He blames Leonard for the things he notices now that he didn't before. He blames him for bringing the couch to that apartment. He blames him for bringing Howard and Raj to his life. He blames him for going across the hall and invite their new neighbor for lunch. He blames him for Bernadette and Amy's arrival to their group. He blames him for everything he has.

He blames him for dying.

Suddenly, Sheldon stops. I blame him for dying.

Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, he nods. Amy begins to prepare two cups of tea as Sheldon sits at the chair.

They both sit there quiet, drinking their tea. Suddenly, Sheldon breaks the silence.

"Amy?" He calls, and she looks up. She notices the trembling lip, the way he is forcing himself not to cry. The man she had met for the first time in that coffee shop wouldn't be like this, ever. That man clearly grew up though, and she wonders if he will shut down one of these days to protect himself from the pain he feels.

"Yes, Sheldon?"

He looks uncomfortable, but he knows he needs to get it off his chest. "I think I blame him."

Amy looks confused for a moment and waits for him to continue, but quickly realizes he is waiting for her to say something. "For what?" She decides to ask, and he looks away from her.

"For dying." Amy looks a little taken back for what he said, so he decides to continue. "He should've fought harder." The tears are now falling without any effort on his part to stop them. "He should be the one here making me feel better, not you." He looks at her and sees she doesn't seem as upset about that comment as he thought she would. Maybe she understands what he truly meant by that. Maybe she wishes the same thing he does.

"I know, Sheldon." She gets up from her seat and walks towards him. "I know you do. But" she carefully touches his hand, and when he doesn't take it away, she smiles. "he fought. He really did, and you know that. Deep down, you know that."

He hugs her. It's sudden, and it takes her a few seconds to hug him back. She feels him crying, hyperventilating almost.

They stay in that position for several minutes. Amy keeps drawing small circles in his back as he cries. As he hugs her all he keeps thinking is the conversation he had all those years ago with professor Proton. "Appreciate them, Sheldon."

"Amy?" He calls, retrieving from her embrace. "I want you to know, I appreciate everything you do." He cleans up the tears streaming down his face, but quickly new ones take their place. "I hope Leonard knew how much I appreciated him."

Memories of the look in Leonard's face at his Nobel acceptance speech come to his mind.

"He knew, Sheldon. We all do." He nods.

"I'm ready to go." He tells her, and she nods, taking his hand and walking out of the door.

"He knew." Amy whispers to the empty room, before closing the door.

End of Chapter 15

I was rewatching the episode where professor Proton died, and after seeing Sheldon hugging Leonard, I realized it was a great plot for a chapter in this story. I know I already wrote Sheldon's funeral speech, and this uses some parts of it (like Sheldon complain Leonard should've fought harder, contrasting with him saying in his speech that Leonard fought hard).

It also brings up some of what Amy might feel.

Hope everyone likes it!